Flu season is already upon us. It looks to be a normal flu season – not the dead-Gwyneth type of flu season. Our family didn’t get flu shots last year, and we all got the flu. Not this year. My wife already has plans for us to march down to Walgreens next Monday evening to get flu shots as the “treat” portion of FHE.
I was browsing the news today and saw that experts are now recommending that in order to decrease infectious contamination, we must all stop shaking hands. I repeat: Stop shaking hands! My reaction looks something like this:
Errr. Uhmmm. Errr. I find myself completely unprepared to comprehend this instruction. It is as if someone is challenging my very being – calling into question who I am at my very core. It is even worse than when some knucklehead says I’m not a Christian.
Stop shaking hands? What will become of us as a church? As a culture? That’s what we do! We shake hands! If you can’t shake hands, what are you supposed to do with the people you have nothing to say to? If you can’t shake hands, how can you pass intantaneous judgement on a person by the strength of their grip? Without shaking hands, how can you force eye contact with a teenager? You can’t!
I cannot – nay – I WILL NOT succumb to the pressure of these “so-called” experts. They obviously do not understand Mormonism, nor the impact it would make on our society and sociality.
What are we supposed to do? Here’s some of their recommendations:
Fist-bumps. Yeah, think that through – Sacrament meeting is about to start, and at the last minute, the Stake President enters through the side door and walks up to the stand. The bishopric respectfully stands and warmly greets the Stake President with a reverent fist-bump. All except the 2nd Counselor who forgets and does the “explosion with wiggly fingers” after the fact.
Air-kisses. We could try the “air kiss” like they do in most of the world, and in Hollywood- even though I spent two years of my life teaching girls and women to stop trying to air-kiss me. (Ask any RM who served internationally, and he will tell you about his personal stiff-arm technique) Personally, I kinda like the air-kiss, as long as I get to be the one deciding when it is used. My EC apparently likes it – especially if she is in Venice, and the guy is a handsome, charming Italian, named Matteo. (Let it go, let it go)
Elbow touching. Yeah, this one is stupid. Touching elbows is so personal, donchya think? I have been to some countries where they will offer their elbow to shake if their hands are dirty or full. It feels like you are greeting an amputee – everytime.
Besides, one of the major accomplishments of the educational system (other than banishing the term “Indian style”) has been teaching our young ones to cough and sneeze into their…elbows. Yep. You sneeze into your elbow, then we touch elbows, then I sneeze into mine – suddenly we have a ginglymus petri-dish. (Yes, you might need to look that up.)
Obviously, none of these would work in the halls between block meetings. So I offer a few of my own:
1) Latex gloves. Especially for the Priests. And Nursery workers.
2) Mandatory de-contamination rooms for all Primary workers.
3) 1st greeting: Handshake, all subsequent greetings to the same person: Thumbs up. I know there have been times where I have shaken the same person’s hand 20 times on any given sabbath. (This is actually very common for any member of the Ward Council)
4) Just keep shaking hands, and hope that, like me, the strength of your spiritual connection irradiates any viruses or bacterium.
Or there’s always FHE at Walgreens.
Links about non-shaking of hands:
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-20118153-10391704.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2047048/Its-deal-lets-touch-elbows-Health-expert-urges-ban-shaking-hands-prevent-spread-flu.html
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I would LOVE to air kiss Johnny Depp!!! 😉 Oh my gosh. I love this article. Indian style – I love it. I homeschool and though my oldest went to a year and a half of public school and still says “criss cross applesauce” (have you ever heard anything more ridiculous?! And I mean ridiculous, as in deserving of ridicule.) I still always tell them to sit Indian style. It’s not racist, that’s how they sat. And the Pilgrims didn’t. So it was foreign to them, and they called it Indian style to differentiate. Stupid political correctness. 😛
Very funny! That brings up lots of memories, but I won’t go on too long.
I remember last year, all the pumps of sanitizer sitting on chairs beside the outside doors at our chapel. Now I learn they were ineffective!!!!
I remember men on my mission offering me an elbow to shake when their hands were dirty. It’s just simply awkward, people.
Handshakes. When it’s arthritis day, bone-crunching handshakes can be excruciatingly painful and lead to missed notes on the organ later. Maybe I should initiate the hand bump with those whose grips I know are sufficiently valiant? Or an air-kiss? How about an elbow . . . in the ribs?
Oh, thank you all. I haven’t laughed this much all week. Definitely boosted my immune system. Maybe I won’t have to worry so much about shaking hands.
You missed the Eskimo nose rub. That would be effective . . .
It finally came to me…the comment that I was at a loss for yesterday:
“I’d like to extend a few elbows at church some days…gladly!”
Can’t believe no one else said that! 🙂
Note in D&C 129:7 that heavenly messengers avoid this filthy habit also: “Ask him to shake hands with you, but he will not move, because it is contrary to the order of heaven for a just man to deceive; but he will still deliver his message.” It’s because they don’t want to get our germs. We should likewise follow after this order of heaven.
No matter what we do, we’ll still be breathing on each other at church. So we’re eventually going to have to teleconference all our meetings in order to avoid all contamination. And there will be no elaborate emoticons permitted in the chat rooms during sacrament GoToMeeting.
Today’s texter generation is our new hope after all!
okay, that was a hilarious post. I really enjoyed picturing the second counselor doing the first bump with wiggly fingers!
I like the Parley P Pratt handshake (2:52) in this video… maybe it’s less germy and definitely more awesome.
How about the old “high five down low, too slow” trick? My 6 year old still thinks it’s hysterically funny to pull that one adults.
And being in the medical profession I have to throw in the caution that hand sanitizers don’t work on viruses, so they don’t do anything to help stop colds or the flu.
I have to agree with J*. you have really outdone yourself here, Brother MMM. Well done Thou Good and Faithful Blogger!
Best. Post. Ever.
And all these comments are almost as great as the post!
Thank you all for a great laugh tonight.
Yeah, that was me being facetious. I’m the opposite. I say bring on the germs and let our immune systems get plenty of exercise so they’re totally in shape for the big game.
Also, I’m with Kayli. I find it supremely awkward when I’m shaking hands (usually with another woman) and she offers me a completely limp appendage. Like it’s all she can do to bring herself to touch me at all. Maybe she’s just worried about germs…
I hope you at least get the sniffing flu vaccine!
I became acquainted with the elbow bump dropping the boy off at the MTC 23&1/2 months ago (cuz of the pig flu). I prefer hand sanitizer in the EC’s purse after the other person leaves.
I suggest we start bowing as they do in Japan that is good clean non touching fun, as a non-hugger I think that the RS sisters could pick this up permanently but we all might have to wear helmets for a month or two until we get use to not standing in such close proximity
I really like the idea of a mandatory fist bump with “an explosion with wiggly fingers”. That would make temple recommend interviews and PPI’s much more entertaining!
Sorry, that was my deleted comment, the girlie was signed in and I commented as her. Here it is:I hate it when adult men won’t shake my hand with strength. Not like you will break me, and I’m going to make a face if it hurts – I’m like that.
Don’t you build up your immune system by exposing yourself to germs? I propose we stop shaking hands, and start by greeting each other with full kisses on the mouth. Especially by old ladies with facial hair…now this is bringing back memories of MY mission! (Lucky Elders, you get out of kissing all the old ladies)
I could go for never having to shake a dead fish again. Those handshakes, though completely revealing as to the person’s character, are probably the most awkward moments ever.
Real: It sounds like a lonely, lonely sci-fi world that you propose.
Personally, I am not a disgusting germ “factory”. I am more part of a “multi-level germ distributorship”.
Where did I serve? Best mission on earth – where else?
I’ve never had a flu shot, and rarely get the flu. I guess it’s a good immune system or something. I say, shake hands, pray that you’ll be fine, and wash your hands before you touch your face.
Well people are just disgusting germ factories all around. I think the entire world should stop touching each other completely. We’re all just so gross. Everyone would be happy and then we’d never have to worry about communicable diseases again.
Also, where did you serve your mission?
I like you suggestions MMM. And I am going with #4. Another thought: How about we not shake hands only if we are sick.
Last winter the mission president here asked that the missionaries not shake hands. Missionaries not shaking hands?! It was very weird.
What if we all just wore HAZMAT suits to church? That way, we’d all be equals just like in the temple. Although… I do have a matching belt and shoes that would compliment my suit fabulously.
I’m not sure how to judge a person other than the strength of their grip…weird.
How bout a greeting with butterfly hands…you know, like on Napoleon Dynamite?
Or, the double-fist-bump-your-chest-peace-out greeting
Tonya: Thanks for the wisdom.
The chin nod in the hall is already commonplace, but only by people who think themselves really cool.
The shoulder punch is highly recommended – even preferred – in priesthood settings, but if you live in a ward like President Monson did, you will have a lot of brittle widows with broken shoulders and knuckles. So do be careful.
i thought that last fall (2010) they read a letter from the first presidency in sacrament meeting regarding shaking hands… and I thought they suggested something with the elbows… but then again, I probably came in late and was wrestling with the children and could have imagined the whole thing 🙂
I can just see everyone going around punching each other in the shoulder. would work for the “mature” crowd, but can you just see the youth grabbing on to that one!!! it would get a little rough at times I expect.
There is more to think about than the flu. Like stomach viruses, common colds, etc., says the person home with bronchitis. No flu shot could’ve stopped this train. You left out two greetings: the chin up nod (usually done in the car) and the shoulder punch. The fist bump could still get me sick, and I agree that the elbow is germy now. That’s why I vote for the shoulder punch. 😉