Note: Last week my almost 18-year-old son got accepted to BYU. He plans on attending a semester and a half before he heads out on his mission. We couldn’t be happier for him.
Coincidentally, at the same time, a post I wrote quite some time ago started being highly trafficked and circulated – which is always a weird surprise. Since i am visiting family this weekend, I figured it might be a good time to run it and see how it has held up. Strange to see something that I wrote for others suddenly become personally applicable.
I saw this coming – the good and the bad – and you probably did, too.
Last October (2012), President Monson announced the change in missionary age requirements, and wonderful things have happened. There are more full-time missionaries serving that ever before, and more sister missionaries than ever before. Excellent, prepared, strong young men and women are all across the globe teaching the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is awesome.
The age change for Elders to 18, and the sisters to 19 has been a tremendous blessing to many, and is, in turn, blessing the entire world. I know young people who might have charted a different course for their lives, had this opportunity been available sooner. The change has been a godsend to many.
That is the “good” I saw coming. The bad? I mentioned it in post last year entitled “Early Elders: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril.” I expressed concern that 18 would become the new 19, and we, as a church culture, would begin to apply pressure on young men if they don’t leave right when they turn 18. (This is directed at young men missionary service, but you may apply it to the sisters as you see fit.)
I have a few young friends that I have known for years that decided to wait a little before they submit their missionary applications. Their reasons are their own. But, the questions and comments have begun:
“Have you put your papers in?”
“I thought you would be gone by now.”
“Didn’t you turn 18 last summer?”
“Why are you still here?”
Here is the easiest way I can describe how I feel about such questions: Asking a young man why he hasn’t submitted his mission papers in is the religious equivalent of asking a woman how much she weighs.
Bad form.
Sure, close family members, a Bishop, Stake President, young men leaders, and home teachers should know the answer to that question – but even they don’t walk up to him at Sacrament meeting at hit him with a “What are you still hanging around here for?”
As one of my FOMLs would say, “It’s ‘Nunya.'” As in Nunya Business.
I understand that some of those unfortunate questions and comments come from pure hearts and good intentions, but I also know that sometimes it is flat out nosiness.
Since those questions are out there, I’ll list some of the reasons that an 18 year-old might not be rushing to leave on his mission.
1) Nobody is asking him to. When President Monson announced the change, he used the word “option” TWICE.
“I am pleased to announce that effective immediately all worthy and able young men who have graduated from high school or its equivalent, regardless of where they live, will have the option of being recommended for missionary service beginning at the age of 18, instead of age 19. I am not suggesting that all young men will—or should—serve at this earlier age. Rather, based on individual circumstances as well as upon a determination by priesthood leaders, this option is now available.” (link here)
An option is not an edict.
Elder Russell M. Nelson added: “These age adjustments are new options now available to bishops in evaluating what is best for each of their youth. Young men and young women should not begin their service before they are ready spiritually and temporally.” (link here)
2) He is just not ready spiritually. Of the young people I know that are preparing to serve missions, this one seems to be less frequent that other factors. Today’s youth are spiritually strong – remarkably so. However, if a young man or woman is not solid in his/her testimony, they shouldn’t be out serving. A mission is not a self-help program to grow a testimony. So, if a young man doesn’t feel that he is quite “there” yet, some extra time and effort might just make the difference between serving as a testifying missionary, or killing time.
3) He is not ready physically. There could be lingering health concerns. There could be medications that need to be adjusted. There could be corrective surgeries that need to take place before he takes off to strange lands. I worked with one fabulous young man who had to lose 100lbs before he could serve. He did it, but fielding the questions from “concerned” people was a struggle for him – he was really glad to get on that plane.
4) He is not ready emotionally. A mission is tough. No way to sugarcoat it. Some young men are not emotionally prepared to cut the apron strings and strike out on their own. Especially at 18. Others may have emotional challenges that require professional treatment, or medication. These things need to be stabilized, and understood before the rigors of the mission life kick in. Emotional and mental health issues are not things that should be taken lightly, and they can’t always be dealt with quickly.
5) He’s not worthy. There, I said it. I listed it at #5, but it leaps to people’s minds a lot sooner than that. It happens. Sometimes a young man is not worthy to serve. Yet. Often he is quietly working with his Bishop to repent. He might be fighting a terrible battle against an addiction. He might be waiting for a period of time to help him establish new patterns of behavior and obedience. This is a blessing. When it comes to worthiness, there is no rush to leave. Better to be late, and clean.(Story here.)
“Personal worthiness is the minimum spiritual standard for serving a mission.” L. Tom Perry (link here) Minimum?
and here is one you might not have considered:
6) He is trying to follow prophetic counsel. Over the past few years, there has been tremendous counsel given by the prophets to young men preparing to serve missions. It would seem that since the age change, many of our young men and their parents have completely forgotten about it.
– Get a job, learn to work and pay for part of your mission. It amazes me how many young men are leaving out of High School without having contributed at all to their mission fund. Missed opportunity.
“Prospective missionaries need to learn to work. They ought to have a job and save money for their missions. Every mission president would concur with me that the missionary who has worked and saved and helped pay for part or all of his or her mission is a better-prepared missionary. Working and saving for a mission generates enthusiasm for serving and gives a young man or a young woman a good work ethic. Whatever else missionary work is, it is work!” M. Russell Ballard. (link here)
“Let me offer a simple suggestion: get a job that involves interacting with people. As an increased motivation, set a goal to earn enough money from your part- or full-time work to pay for at least a significant part of your mission. I promise great blessings—social, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual blessings—to every young man who pays for a significant part of his mission.” L. Tom Perry (link here)
– Experience living away from home.
“Live away from home for a period of time before leaving for the mission field. Whether future missionaries go away to college or for work, living away from home helps them adjust to the necessary independence of being a missionary. This also provides opportunities for them to wash their own clothing, clean their own living areas, prepare food, and be responsible for their own safety and well-being. Even if future missionaries cannot live away from home, they can be more independent by taking on these responsibilities.” Preparing Emotionally for Missionary Service,” Ensign, 2011. (Link here)
When President Monson extended the option of leaving at 18, I don’t recall him suggesting that it would somehow overrule the counsel for mission prep from previous years. That counsel is still good counsel, and would make for better missionaries, at 18, 19, or 24.
Why am I going on about this? Simple. Some of the finest young men that I know decided to put in a semester of school before serving their missions. I am safe to say that one of these young men is perhaps the most prepared missionary I have ever met. He, in discussion with the Lord, his parents, and his bishop decided that some pre-mission school would be the right thing for him.
But I still hear people asking questions about why he isn’t gone yet. Seriously?
I wish more young men would let their preparation dictate when they leave, rather than the calendar. I also wish those who don’t head for the MTC right after the last bell of their senior year never had to explain themselves to curiosity seekers.
For me: Don’t judge, don’t be nosy, be a good example, and love them.
For you young men: Go when you are prepared. Get prepared. Counsel with you Bishop, your parents and the Lord. 18 is NOT the new 19. (But don’t use this for an excuse to not be where you should be, doing what you should be doing.)
All of us: Never ask a woman about her weight.
Here is the follow-up to this post: Part 2 – 18 is NOT the new 19: The Elephant in the Room.
Here
I just read this on a friends Fb. Thank you for this. It was a great reminder to all. I am positive I have been guilty of asking at least the 19 year old young men this. Because judgment was not in my heart it never occurred to me that still might be exactly what they felt. I will certainly chose words more carefully.
Also I noticed in your follow up post you listed some of the responses this post received. I believe most of those were due to a) the respondent feeling a bit convicted of their past questioning or b) They didn’t read the Blog post in its entirety. I feel if nothing else it was advice that could never hurt! I’ve never once met a missionary or RM who said they went on a mission because everyone bugged them to. Although I did meet one who went for a car. True story. There is an idea for a Blog post. 😉
So many things I want to say on this one. It starts with: my son started filling out his mission papers after his interview with the Bishop this morning. For him, his goal has been to leave on his mission as soon as he graduates high school. Most of his friends were a year older than him and are already gone. I have seen very few youth that make a weekly temple trip before school or have gone through the Stake Missionary Prep course 3 times, just to make sure he is ready. It was really interesting watching him do “Companion Scripture study” with his RM sister until she went away to school again. In my opinion, he is way more ready than I was.
I have always thought it was funny that I never got the “you’re not gone yet” question, probably because I was already gone from shortly after I turned 17 and put on a uniform. I showed up back at my ward for the month that I was waiting for my call, and it came 2 days after my 19th birthday. A month later I was gone again.
All of that being said…many of our youth are not yet ready at 19-20-21 to go on a mission. Pushing them out the door at 18 will only hurt them. I wonder if anyone even wants to do an analysis of the number of youth that should have waited. I know in our stake we have had more than a dozen come home early since this announcement, with the only real reason being that they were not emotionally ready to go when they did.
D&C 4 states that “if ye have desire, ye are called to the work” reality is that our youth today have not, for the most part, had the opportunity to mature as much as Joseph F. Smith did when he was called. Waiting a little while is not a bad thing. Get a chance to be on your own, albeit in a quasi-protected environment, and grow a little more. And most importantly, really learn to stand on your own testimony.
We shouldn’t pressure others… agreed. At the same time, we should stop seeing innocent questions and excitement on our behalf as “pressure.” To be honest, we are all just a bunch of oversensitive whannies – (meant in the nicest way possible of course). 😉
Agreed
My seminary teacher always says that young women should be asking IF they should go on a mission, and young men should be asking WHEN. For some, 18 is right. To be honest, there are some who are 16 who could totally go out there and be an effective missionary. But for others, they need to wait until they are 19 or maybe even 20. What matters is that they make themselves worthy and go. I have a good friend who will go to college for a year and then go on his mission, and he deals with a lot of people asking why. The Lord knows what’s best for him! The rest of us don’t. So if some young men should go out at 18 because the Lord needs them then, that’s great. But I totally agree that 18 isn’t the best for everyone.
I also think it should be said that the age change for young women does not mean that all young women who aren’t married by the time they’re 19 should go on a mission. I get asked a lot about a mission. Yes, I’d love to go on one, but maybe the Lord has something else in mind, and I’m sticking to His plan. Marriage and mission aren’t the only two options for young women. There is also education and work that the Lord may need them to do.
In the end, it’s 100% between a young man or young woman and the Lord, not between a young man or young woman and the rest of the LDS community (even though they’re well-meaning).
But maybe we should be asking seniors when they are going. There are so many options now, almost everyone can do something. We just got back from Peru.
🙂 I do know that there are many seniors who desperately want to serve, but can’t due to health or monetary reasons. Plan ahead!
One of my sons is a senior in high school and is almost 18. He’s sorting through options and trying to figure out what will be the right thing for him to do. Maybe leave before fall. Maybe do one semester of college first. Maybe two. All of those options are fine. It’s between him and the Lord. He shouldn’t have to justify his decision to anyone that is not his parent, bishop, or stake president.
On a related note, there is now added social pressure for young ladies to serve full-time missions, although, the Prophet has repeatedly said that this is in no way required of them. I know a family that has three wonderful daughters that are triplets. One recently returned from her mission and another is currently serving. The last is serving valiantly in the church but she isn’t serving a mission; although, she has had plenty of nosy people that want to know why she hasn’t gone on a mission when her sisters have. This sister is too nice to say this, but those people should just butt out, regardless of how well intentioned they think they are. “Nunya,” as you said.
I have 3 nephews currently on missions and 1 just returned, ALL of them decided to go to school for at least 1 semester before they left because it makes it easier to get back into school when you get back. Just makes more sense.
The problem is when you hear it for the last four months of your pregnancy.
🙂
May I say that the equivalent of asking WHY to a young man who turned 18 and is STILL HERE – is “haven’t you had that baby yet?” I’ve had nine, heard it every time. When the Lord is ready, they will be ready. Period.
I don’t see anything remotely judgmental about the baby question. Maybe a hyper-sensitive mom? 😉
Great article. I have seen too many kids leave early on their mission because they felt pressure and seen them struggle for various reasons. As a YW leader I felt a great deal of pressure to help those who were wanting to serve a mission early to be prepared spiritually go to but an additional pressure to help those youth find the path that they personally needed to be on – whether that was a early or late mission or no mission at all (since it is optional for YW). It is definitely a subject where the people surrounding these youth need to be kind and supportive as these youth make this huge decision