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| Son, this is called a shovel. No, you don’t plug it in. |
President’s Day weekend. Rest and relaxation! Not hardly – chores and more chores – especially for the 14 year-old FOML. A wise and kind neighbor asked him if he would be willing to dig a ditch for him so he could extend a gas line in his yard. He promised to “make it worth his while”. (Whatever that might mean.) My son was willing, and spent a good chunk of his Saturday, and most of his Monday holiday with a pick axe and shovel. It was a hard job, made especially hard because the only ditches my boys ever seem to dig are to protect sand castles from the encroaching surf.
My son came home exhausted, with blisters. He thought I was weird because I was excited to see them, and I was proud of him. Here’s why:
A good friend of mine is currently serving as a Mission President. We were visiting on the phone the other day and I asked him a question:
“Well President, now that you have been out for a year, what words of wisdom do you have for a friend who still has three more sons to send out on missions.” I asked this expecting some spiritual gem that I could share with my boys.
“Make sure they know how to work hard. Tough physical labor. Make sure they can get up early in the morning and work hard all day.”
I was surprised how quickly he came back with that answer, so I dug a little deeper and asked him what he was seeing that made him feel that way.
“This generation of youth does not know how to work hard. They plan on serving a mission their whole life, they get here, and realize that it is hard work, and they can’t do it – so they want to go home. It happens all the time. Make sure they know how to work hard before they get out in the field, and it will be a great blessing to them.”
I’ve thought a lot about what he said. Is it true? Are we raising a generation of wimps? (Rhetorical question.)
So, the next morning I got the all the boys up at 4:00am, told them go milk the cows, feed the horses and plow the back 40. They weren’t pleased because we don’t have cows, horses, or a back 40.
I am aware that my generation had it much easier than my father’s. He spent his childhood working the farm, milking cows, bailing hay, and then washing up and going to school. It was a tough life. Of course my generation had it much easier, and we had to listen to him talk about carrying 100lb bales of hay around the ranch when he was six.
The latest generation has it even easier. Part of the reason is that technology replaced some of the labor of my youth (gas mowers, weedeaters, blowers, snow blowers, have replaced push-mowers, hand trimmers, and snow shovels) Part is because my kids and I are Suburbanites: Garden yes, farm, no. Part is because society now prohibits young people from holding difficult jobs for terrible wages. When I was a young man, several jobs I held were brutal – construction, landscaping, etc. They were good for me, and made me stronger, and put some money in my mission fund. They also gave me something to lord over my children with: “When I was your age, I spent the day swinging a pickaxe with blisters the size of quarters…” (Yeah, they hate it)
Another difficulty is that our kids just don’t have much time to work anymore because societal priorities have shifted. School, hobbies, church and sports* tend to take up so much time that holding down a job would be virtually impossible. Most everyone I knew had a job in high school. Now few of the youth I know are employed. To make it worse, there aren’t a lot of jobs out there for young people. Sometimes I feel that we don’t expect much from our youth in the area of work anymore . We figure that since they have all the other “stuff” going on they need time to relax – to “chill”. So we let things slide. Chores become a Saturday-only thing – unless there is a game on Saturday, and we let them off the hook becasue they are tired, and they’ve had a rough week. (Can you hear me quoting myself?) I would be afraid to tally hours the FOMLs spend laboring vs. hours spent looking at a screen.
As a church we do make an effort because we are aware that our youth are lacking in physical challenges – that’s why we create challenges for them – handcart treks, Scouting, hikes, service projects etc. It says something about how soft society has gotten when the hardest thing a young man or young woman has ever done in their entire lives can be accomplished over the course of a few days in the mountains on a church activity.
The FOMLs seem to be able to work hard when they absolutely must, and are especially capable of very hard work when it is for people other than me. Overall, I think I am batting about .500 in this endeavor. I am not sure if the concept of the value of work for work’s sake is making any inroads. It’s more of a “get it over with” attitude, rather than doing a really good job because you are proud of your work. Perhaps our family needs a better “Happy Working Song”*.
What do you do? Do your kids know how to work hard? Are they expected to do more than a list of Saturday chores? Do they ever have to sacrifice fun for work? How does work fit in with school, sports, church and hobbies in their lives? I am curious as to how you all handle it – assuming you do. Please share your thoughts on this topic. (Note: If you do have cows, horses, and a back 40, you win. No bragging, please.)
So, my son spent his holiday getting blisters. Atta boy! Maybe next Saturday we can do some more manual labor – either for our family or to serve someone else, so he can adjust to it, and learn that there is great satisfaction in working hard.
Idea: Maybe part of the Mission Prep class should be held on Saturday mornings at 5:00am. Bring your shovel.
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* Some people rationalize that sports=hard work. Right. I’ll delve into that another time, so let’s save that.
Note; After I wrote this, I found a fabulous talk on this same subject form Elder F. David Stanley of the Seventy, from April Conference, 1993. In it, he says almost the exact same thing that my friend told me. From the mouth of two witnesses… Link to the full talk here.
* If you don’t want to watch Elder Stanley, here is Amy Adams:
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I am so thankful that my parents taught me to work hard! My husband was recently at a fireside with a member of the general YM presidency and he said the same thing: teach them how to work. We have 4 boys (ages 7 and under) and I hope we are doing a good job of teaching them how to work.
I grew up in a home where work was encouraged but not required. Mom tried to get us to do chores but she didn’t like contention. She preferred a dirty house to fighting with her kids to get us to clean it up. I had 7 siblings. So our house was often a dirty, cluttered place. Our friends didn’t like to come over because of the way our house looked. We spent way too much time watching TV and playing Nintendo. Finances were always tight and we lived very frugally. We always had food to eat and clothes to wear but all of us kids knew that if we wanted anything extra, we had to earn the money to get it. Some of us had a paper route. Some of us didn’t. Having spending money was important to some of us while others of us didn’t want to put forth the effort to earn some money. (By the way, that TV and Nintendo I bought with money I earned from my paper route). We did however, see how hard my parents worked to provide for us and how much time and effort they put into their callings. I think their example was probably the most powerful thing. 6 of the 8 of us served missions. All of us graduated from college. 7 of the 8 are married in the temple and raising successful families. We all knew how to work hard even if we didn’t show any inclination to it as youth. I don’t necessarily agree with the work ethic I saw growing up. My 4 sons do laundry, help with the cooking, and know how to clean the house. I think of those as life skills. They need to know how to do all that so they can live on their own and be productive members of society. I don’t remember my parents working with us on any big projects. They weren’t the kind to talk to us about the value of hard work. But we saw what was important to them and their values became our values. So your kids will probably turn out just fine because of the example you set for them and the efforts you make to help them become who you would like them to be.
Are we setting a good example of working hard and appreciating the blessings of work?
LOL . . .
If I become your newest groupie, do I have to wear a calico cheerleader outfit with a pioneer bonnet?
Just want to make sure before I commit myself . . .
I DO enjoy your wit and take on LDS life (and I know this post was serious, but I am reading old posts too) . . .
I BELIEVE! . . . one of my favorite letters from my missionary son, now serving in the Brisbane Australia Mission, told of one conference Sunday when he and his district of six were given a house key from a member and told to go help themselves to their lunch at his house. Afterwards he said that it was only he, and one other Elder that got up to wash the dishes to show gratitude to the family while the others sat back and mocked them. Yep, I felt validated as a parent at that moment.
LOL @ Michael for . . . “getting to the highest level of Halo doesn’t count . . .” gotta tell that one to my daughter:)
I didn’t read all the comments, so forgive me for repeating if anyone else is as clever as I am. 🙂
One of my favorite M. Russell Ballard quotes of all time, that I like to use in a mission prep class I teach for EFY, is this:
“How many kills you can make in a minute with a computer game will have zero effect on your capacity to be a good missionary.”
from “The Greatest Generation of Missionaries”
I’m part of this wimpy generation. How do I teach myself how to work? I have observed that it’s making my life hard, this not-knowing-how-to-work thing. How do I change that? I really don’t know.
This was a timely post, as my youngest brother just entered the MTC today! Having four older sisters, there was potential for him to grow up as a wimp in a Utah cul de sac. But, my dad ensured that he spent his high school years helping him get sprinkler installation jobs, mowing, construction and the hardest job of flood and storm home removals. No wimp there. I do worry about the girls in this generation, though. The 19-21 year olds spend two years working HARD and come back very different than they were at 19. What can we do to help the girls work hard?
Wonderful topic and post, and so timely. Isn’t it interesting that one of the new sections added to “For the Strength of Youth” is work?
We don’t have cows or a back 40, just a regular house in suburbia, so it’s been a challenge to find real work for our kids to do, but we managed. Building retaining walls, installing sprinkler systems, trimming and removing trees, remodeling projects, etc. – my husband made sure his missionary sons knew what hard work was before they left. And they thanked him for it.
It was difficult balancing employment and school and sports and family life. During the school year their main “work” was to be a good student, but even with only Saturdays and summers they learned their lessons well.
Those of you with younger children, don’t give up! Teaching the value of hard work is totally worth it.
I have four boys–thanks for the advice! The oldest is 8 and we already hear complaints when they have to do something hard like set the table or put their clean laundry away. They are going to hate you for this post, but I guess it will be easier to start teaching them now than when they’re teenagers.
Thanks for the post. I’ve been struggling with this a lot lately. http://latg.blogspot.com/2012/02/is-hard-work-worth-it.html
And I’m with Chocolate. Drives me crazy that people reward their kids for chores, grades, hard work well done, etc.
I love the idea of the 5am Saturday lab for mission prep. I had comps tell me, “Let’s just go swing for a while.” or “Let’s go home. I’m tired.” 🙁
I enjoyed this post and all the comments so much! I can’t offer any advice since my boys are 3 and almost 5. We have a chore chart of the things they need to do everyday and extra things, like helping with laundry and unloading the dishwasher. I don’t want them to be lazy; I want them to appreciate hard work and to know that its just a part of life. Thanks for sharing such wise advice.
My grandpa had a farm, I had a garden, my kids have a can opener.
Kids struggles today are certainly different than yours or mine. They have mental challenges that are equally as hard as the physical challenges we faced. What I try to do is show my kids how Gospel principles are in everything they do.
I’m also lucky to have my oldest son in a sport where the coach is more interested in building men than players. They spent a day at a special needs school serving the kids. They do a sub for Santa every year, that’s to name a few.
The Gospel hasn’t changed. However, our society has. So, like you said, we look for ways to teach the kids hard work. I think mental work is challenging for our kids. We adapt our teaching methods with the individual needs of our kids.
I had other examples of words that have changed meanings, but for some reason word meanings all seem to degrade to dirty after a few decades. Dirty. Hey there’s another one. Sorry, I didn’t mean to detract from your post. It was swell.
Vatermann: First you imply that I’m old, then you ask if I describe myself as gay. This post was supposed to be about work, not my personal life. 😉
Yes, the 10th or 11th definition of visit in most dictionaries is “to talk or chat casually” but that definition is outdated and interestingly only popular among older Mormons. The meaning of words change. When you’re happy, do you describe yourself as gay? That’s only about the 3rd definition of that word.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/visit
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/gay
I have 2 teenage boys and it is a challenge to get them to understand that work is good for them. (I’m sure they’ll thank me- someday) If I only had a nickle for every eye roll!
It is no coincidence that there is a new chapter in the new For Strength and it is on work.
Vatermann: Please email me your mailing address, and I will send you a marvelous book that can broaden your vistas. It is called a “thesaurus”. If you spend some time with it, you too will be able to talk, chat, discuss, converse, and yes, even visit on the phone. ‘Tis a glorious thing, vocabulary.
During my time growing up, chores were very inconsistent. But one thing that I am very grateful for was the fact that I came from a family of 6 girls and a dad in the Army. Because my dad was gone a lot, we had to mow the lawn. I am so glad that we were forced to do this and didn’t have a brother to do it for us. I believe this is were most of my hard work ethics came from.
With my own family, I am not perfect with chores, but we do have them almost daily. Sometimes they fall through the cracks, but for the most part they do happen. My children are still young, so it is just simple things. They pick up the family room almost everyday. The days they don’t they do their laundry (yes my 5 & 7 year old) know how to wash their own clothes. I fold them, but they put them away.
Even though they do this, my house is still a mess, but at least I don’t feel like a maid all the time. And they are learning very important skills. I hope this continues as they get older.
Here’s another talk that you might enjoy. http://www.schoolofabraham.com/familywork.htm
The background is really distracting, but you can copy/paste the text into a document to read it.
It makes some really good points about work, and especially about working together as a family.
Thanks for another interesting post, this has been on my mind lately!
“We were visiting on the phone the other day.” How do you visit on the phone? Don’t you mean you spoke on the phone? MMM, your Utah roots are showing 🙂
But seriously, this is a great topic, and it reminds me that I need to work my kids harder. I can’t say I was really taught how to work as a kid, but I enjoy it now, especially digging in the dirt. I need to find more ways to involve my kids in chores and yardwork. Brother Brigham said that prosperity would be our greatest trial as a Church, and I can see that with the rising generation.
I definitely believe in hard work! My dad had a little farm and so did my grandpa. We spent our summers digging ditch and hauling hay. No sympathy from me…
Sandy
I grew up a city doctor’s daughter but married a farmer/rancher. Thankfully because of what my parents taught me it wasn’t a hard adjustment!
We had chores we were required to do. HARD chores. The same chores I give my kids. And that’s on top of the farm work they do have to do too. =) {We farm over 4,200 acres of alfalfa hay and have about 500 cows, which thankfully we DON’T have to milk!}
I think the biggest impact though, no matter what work we want our children to learn, is working alongside them. They learn by watching us. Do we tackle hard jobs until they are done or do we give up or take too many breaks? Do we teach them that work must come first before play and pleasure? Do we give in to their tactics of negotiation or do they know there is no negotiating when work is involved? And do they know that they don’t need “rewards” for having done a good job? I think that is a major problem to day. Kids have grown up having to be bribed and ‘rewarded’ every step of the way {for little tiny things!} so when they face the real world and realize it’s not like that AT ALL they give up too easily.
Love this post. It’s funny that nowadays we almost have to “create” work because we have so much technology that takes away our work.
I am beyond grateful that my parents taught us to work. I grew up working in my Dad’s machine shop and was running a turret lathe at 9 or so years old. We were paid by the part and I learned to work so fast that they had to start paying me less per part because they weren’t making any money!
I’ve got a long way to go with teaching my kids how to work. I just dealt with a big fit this morning over picking up a few measly toys. Pathetic.
I admit to being a softy when it came to chores. My kids did a few when we could make it happen but they got lots of breaks. I did really encourage them to follow through on school, church and extra curricular assignments, and I was raised pretty much the same way. I have been an extremely hard worker in my adult life as we’re my parents.
My adult children who are married with children, are functioning very successfully as adults and did very well on their missions. We have 5 couples now with two teenagers still at home. So maybe a good example, and limits on t.v.
and computer time helped. I also think people are more self motivated when they start their own households. I’m not suggesting this method just grateful my kids are doing o.k. In spite of my wimpiness
My daughter gets up at 5:30 every morning for seminary. Best thing for her. Hubby takes her. Best thing for me.
My husband has been ruminating on an interesting phenomenon: in our ward, the boys do service projects for single mothers and widows, they have their meetinghouse responsibilities (chairs, garbage, etc), and they each have 2 homes of elderly folks to shovel any time it snows. But our girls, not so much. They aren’t designated RS night babysitters, their service projects generally lean toward taking cookies and “heart attacks”, and they only empty the mother’s lounge garbage. Not sure what to think about this.
I do, however, feel your pain about balancing weekday chores with their schedules. I am a wimp.
I am 26 with 2 kids I never realized how much work it would be. As a teen and young 20 something I usually found a way to get off the hook whenever things got too hard my parents said that it was ok as long as I did my best and I shouldn’t “run faster then I had strength” really good intentioned stuff but the thing is as a teen I didn’t push my self to complete hard tasks I always gave up and now that I am faced with this enormous task of motherhood I still have to just do my best but I have to continue in it so my best gets even better and I learn to get healthier and run longer and farther. I think that I will not let my children quit things unless it is dire as my children get older I am not going to provide easy ways out in they hope they can be better than I am
Good old poverty often facilitates this– especially in our family. (We have 11 kids.)
When my little deacons needed to earn $75 each to go to Scout Camp, we simply didn’t have it. (Especially for two boys!) So, they came up with plans to earn it. They made chocolate mint cupcakes and sold them door to door. They also went door to door and offered to pull weeds for a reasonable fee. (I think it was around $20 each yard.)
In one week, they had each earned enough to go, and had a great time knowing they had paid their own way. (Since then, their former Scout leader continues to pass this story on to all of his new scouts. My boys are legend! LOL!)
Now those two little deacons are ages 16 and 15. The other day, a family we know in our homeschool community was in crisis– they had 24 hours to vacate their rental home. My boys jumped at the chance to help and worked hard for about 10 hours each simply because they CARE about this family.
Yes, I was a proud mama. And yes, I AM bragging. 😉
But seriously, because of our humble financial situation, my kids know they have to work for whatever they want. They know that nothing will be handed to them. We live in a little house in suburbia with plenty of chores and weeds for them to work on. We try (note I said TRY) to set a good example of service and hard work for them. We limit our activities away from home, but we’re not hermits, either.
I think it’s about setting priorities. My kids know they have stewardship over certain chores in our home. They also have so many hours they have to study. (Homeschool, remember.) I require home duties before study, study before extracurricular activities/lessons, lessons before goofing off.
My kids and I are FAR from perfection or translation. We’re just poor. And we try to keep our priorities in order.
We TRY…
(Great topic, MMM!)
My Dh often laments this sad fact as he hires a new person to work for him. They often quit after a couple days because work is HARD. Even if all you have to do is sit and answer phones (which he finds next to impossible to find someone to do) it is still too hard for people lately.
I also agree with Cheryl, it is totally because of electronic everything, and wimpy parents. It is great that we want “better” for our children than what we had, but we don’t have to GIVE them everything, work is good!
And in our ward scouting is not a good thing like it used to be. When the “best” activity, according to the bishop, is the one that they had a nerf gun war in the gym…something is seriously wrong. Dh is the scout leader for the young scouts and he is constantly trying to do preparedness or survival related things, but has to fight every step of the way. Sad really.
Loved this whole post.
I was lucky enough to have parents who expected us to work hard all the time.
The other day, as I made the kids re-start cleaning up something they deemed was “good enough,” I found myself saying these words: “I will NOT apologize for having high standards!”
My kids often have to skip out on extended play time because of their home responsibilities. It’s confusing to a lot of kids in the neighborhood because their “chores” are a joke. Frankly, I think my kids don’t even do enough! But it’s a constant work in progress (pun intended!).
People argue that they are still young (my oldest is almost 11), but this is the time they need to learn! And to learn WHY we work hard.
I definitely blame a lot of it on electronics. And — if I can be overly bold — wimpy parents. It would be way easier for me to just let them off the hook, too! Sometimes I do. But the long-term results are not worth it, IMO. Whenever *I* slack off, I’m the one who has to re-teach them later. Interesting, that.
I agree wholeheartedly that kids need to know the value of hard work! We had two sons serve missions, a third is in the MTC right now and we have two more to go. We have three daughters as well–two married and one ready to head off to college next fall. We build in the incentive to work. At age 12 they have to earn their own money for some necessities and any extras. It is amazing how hard they will work when it’s for something they really want. Some had paper routes, some did yard work (we don’t have a back 40 but the garden produces plenty of weeds!) One son spent the summer selling pest control–knocking doors in the hot sun and walking for miles all day was good mission prep.
PS Our kids LOVE (*eye roll*) to hear the stories about how my husband had to scrape pig manure every morning before school 🙂
I cannot tell you how many times our mission president here has repeated this same message in our quarterly Bishopric training meetings. Our boys have got to learn how to work. And getting to the highest level of “Halo” doesn’t count either.