Floored

We speak of our weaknesses becoming strengths, but we seldom talk of our strengths becoming our weaknesses. Somehow, over the years, something that was once a simple task has began to become my enemy. Yes, I have a new nemesis that has begun taunting me, toying with me.

Yes, I am talking about the floor.

The floor used to be my friend. Crawling, playing, wrestling, kissing – the floor was a part of my life. But that has started to change. Nowhere was it more apparent than during our recent “Aaronic Priesthood Commemoration Campout”. (Which is the hoity-toity way of saying “Father and Sons”) I’ve been going on those campouts with my boys for 20 years now, and never before have I found the floor of my tent to be so adversarial.

Our first problem is that we pitched the tent over rocky soil. (unintended scriptural allusion #1) When it was time to break camp, and I was rolling up the pads and sleeping bags, it hurt.  The ground rose up and laughed. Then it was time to stand up. There was no hand to pull me up, no furniture to lean against, nobody there to strengthen my feeble knees. (unintended scriptural allusion #2).

I was there, sitting on the floor of the tent, developing a strategy of how I was going to stand up.

Sure, mock me. Go ahead. But mark my words – it will happen to you. You go through life standing up at will, sometimes with your hands full. When you are young you can even go from what we once called “Indian Style” to a standing position in one fluid movement. (But now, we can’t even say “Indian Style”. Apparently it is offensive to people of the Hindu faith. Now we are left with inane phrases like “crisscross applesauce”. Sheesh.)

The fluidity and grace of youth has been replaced by planning.

First: Get from my butt to my knees.
Second: push off with my left hand because my right wrist hurts.
Third: Plant right foot on the ground.
Fourth: Bring left foot alongside. Pull on jeans if it helps.
Fifth: Begin to stand up.
Sixth: Groan and contemplate taking up yoga.
Seventh: Stand and wait until swaying stops before continuing.

You should not need a strategy for standing up – but there it is.  I know some people employ tricks to avoid the process all together. They either stay off the ground entirely, or they have limited interaction with the floor.  An example would be “football prayers”. Some people can’t bring themselves to kneel with both knees, so they leave one foot planted on the ground – like a resting football stance.  This technique has been made famous in recent years by Tim Tebow.  It is even referred to as “Tebowing”.

If you are young and lithe, none of this will make any sense to you. So you might want to add this to your file of “Things to Remember When I am Old” so you don’t forget. (Another issue entirely.)

There is a quick way to check and see if the floor has begun to become your nemesis, as it has mine: All you need to do is use your imagination. Think of your friends and people your age. Now imagine that you are all sitting on the floor in a circle playing “Duck, Duck, Goose”. Someone taps you on the head and says “Goose”…

If it terrifies you, then you understand.