If you have been following the past week, you will know that FOML3 has embarked on his mission, and entered the MTC Wednesday. I stayed home and worked, while my EC and FOML1 left town to go drop him off. Long gone are the days when the missionary brought the whole family into the MTC to sing and say goodbye. Now there is a system that operates with the ruthless efficiency of disembarking Space Mountain, and takes about as long.
On behalf of my wife, I would suggest that they create a post-drop-off parking area”, similar to the cellphone lots at the airport. You could call them “Weeping Zones.” If other parents leave the MTC in the condition that my EC does, it would be in the best interest of public safety.
Anyway, thanks to technology and free long-distance, I was able to listen and participate in the goodbye process as our Elder left. I have to admit, it was hard. Much harder than we had planned.
When our first son left, we were giddy, and excited, but it was still surprisingly tough. My EC has since proclaimed that the “best kept secret in the Church is how difficult it is to send a son or daughter into the mission field”. But since we had already dealt with it, we knew that the second time would be much easier. Right? Right?
Wrong. The second time was worse than the first time. It may not be for all parents, but it was for us. There are a few reasons that could contribute to the surprising degree of difficulty:
First, less than a year ago, FOML2 was rushed home from his mission a few months early with a life-threatening brain injury that he incurred in the field. (If you are a long-time reader, you might remember last summer when I was doing hospital vigil…yeah, that.) He has experienced many miracles, and is almost 100%, but we are still a little gun shy. (Should I ever go public, I’ll fill you in on this amazing story.)
Second, FOML3 is much more of a home-body. We are used to having him around. He will leave a gigantic hole in our home. Our utility bill will be much smaller, and the house quieter, but his absence will be greatly felt.
Last, this son was the “runt” of the litter. He had surgery as a baby, hospitalizations, and a lot of health problems over the years. I think we are just a little bit more protective of this one.
Even so, away he went, full of faith and desire, and with our faith and blessing. We were sad to see him go, but would have been sadder if he had chosen not to.
Yesterday I was siting at my desk, and a wonderful lady who has worked for me for 15+ years, saw that I was a little “misty”. She asked if I was OK, and I told her that I was fine. She is not a member of the church, but lives a very religious and Christ-like life – she has watched most of the FOMLs grow up. I felt like talking, so I invited her to pull up a chair.
I asked her a simple question: “So, do you think we’re crazy?”
“No”, she replied, ‘Why would I think you’re crazy?”
“You have watched us send two of our sons off on missions – and you know what happened last time – what do you think about it?”
“I think it’s fine…if that’s what they want to do.” Implied in this statement was a thought she had expressed before – that kids go because they are pressured to go, rather than out of a sincere desire. “I’m sure it is good for them to get away and grow.”
“I couldn’t agree more,”I responded. “If he didn’t really want to be there, I sure wouldn’t have wanted him to go.”
And then I must have gotten a “preachy face” or something, because before I could say anything else, she stood up, and was ready to go. Before she walked away she did say, “You know, most nineteen year-old boys are trying to figure out how to put together enough money to get drunk all weekend.” Smart lady. She gave me a smile, and walked out.
Opportunity missed? Maybe. Maybe not.
At this point of the post I had intended to indulge in a sermon highlighting the “right” reasons to serve a mission vs. the “wrong” reasons.
Instead, I think I’ll just put it out there that we are thrilled that FOML3 is serving, and we know that he is prepared, and doing it for the right reasons. (And yes, there are right and wrong reasons.)
So – are we crazy? Maybe – but not about this!
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I dropped off my dearly beloved sister at the MTC in May. I can personally testify of the need for “Weeping Zones.”
There are so many different forms of “testing” in this life. Fortunately there are more kinds of Blessings. I joined this Church 52 years ago when I was 21 and when I “count my many blessings” I put that day, so long ago, as #1 because it gave me the knowledge of the value to be had in the testing as well as the blessings.
Mcat I think you are awesome! I’ve yet to see one of my kids serve a mission although we are getting close, so I can’t speak from experience other than with my brothers. But it sounds like you have definitely experienced the bitter and the sweet.
Sandy
We sent the third child, first male out from my parents nest, and they didn’t expect it to be so hard. he is definitely the most beloved child by all of us his siblings, and my parents–a very tender spirit. i do so miss him, but gosh i know everyone he meets will love him as much as we do! those obedient souls have got to be the best thing for missions!
Several years ago, Splenda Daddy and I had to leave our oldest in the middle of the night in a psych unit for his own safety and detox.
The orderly’s met us at the door, we were allowed to give him a hug while they removed his belt and shoelaces. They turned him around and with a muscular, beefy aide on either side of him, he was taken away.
As we turned and walked out of the narrow gap of space we had been allowed to stand in, both Splenda and I broke down into hysterical sobs. I looked at my husband and said, “If I have to listen to one more missionary mom cry about leaving her son at the MTC, I will punch her in the throat! They should try doing this!”
My pain was unbelievably raw.
Second son served a mission and while we were misty-eyed leaving him behind at the MTC, there was an exquisite joy that we felt, having known the other side of the equation.
I am not judging anyone by their own levels of sadness and separation feelings, but remember – things could be much worse. Instead of feeling sadness that we will miss our missionary sons and their absence from our homes, there really is no better place that we would want them to be.
And now let the “mCat is insensitive” comments begin.
Awesome and strong is more like it. Not insensitive.
Having delivered one (of four) son to the MTC I can honestly say that I don’t understand the feelings of sadness at letting go. I was SO HAPPY to have brought a son successfully through the treacherous teens and entrusting him to the Lord’s service that my tears were of sheer joy! I felt like I had reached a plateau of success! I can only imagine your pain with your oldest. I can understand your feelings of joy with your second. May the Lord bless you and yours.
Please don’t misconstrue my being “pouty” for a few days as being any kind of painful sadness. I am thrilled that he is gone. I know what is in store for him, and as I mentioned – we would be much sadder if he didn’t go.
That said, I want mCat to know that I don’t think you are insensitive – probably just the opposite. Here’s my best way to describe it:
You know when a doctor or nurse asks you to “rate your pain on a scale of 1-10”? We might have something that rates a 7. Then a few months later, we pass a kidney stone, or deliver a baby, and suddenly the scale is completely different. What once rated a 7, now rates a 2.
The kind of emotional pain that mCat experienced would skew anybody’s pain scale. For example, a dear friend of mine has never lost someone close to him – both parents are sill alive, his grandparents, all his kids, etc. He has never had to deal with death. So his emotional pain scale is probably quite different than mine, because I’ve lost many.
What I am trying to say is that I don’t see mCat as being insensitive, but I do see her as using a different scale to grade emotional pain – one that is based on her life experience.
That said, just because someone has never passed a kidney stone doesn’t mean the broken arm doesn’t hurt like crazy.
Am I even close to accurate in describing this?
mCat, let me just say, “Amen!”
I’ve been where you’ve been (except I’ll drop my first missionary off in about a month).
MMM, I think you’re on the right path — our experiences shape our responses to our experiences.
Having three sons who chose different paths taught me a kind of compassion for others I wish I had never learned. And yet I learned it. And for years I suffered through other families’ mission calls, farewell talks and newsy mission letters wondering “why not me?” Add to that the profound feelings of guilt and shame that accompanied some of the choices my sons made, and I dug myself a hole that took me some time to work my way out of.
Leaving a child in distress in someone else’s hands for care is frightening.
And yet, I do that every day now as I leave each of my children in the Savior’s hands. I do not mean that in a glib way at all. In fact, it is the only way I know to survive anymore.
So, MMM, I understand that you don’t want to go public with the story of your FOML2’s mission experience, but I would love a “discussion” (is there a better name for it – “blogscussion,” “bloglogue” – as in dialogue?) about when your missionary comes home under difficult circumstances. My eldest got very ill while on his mission (and most likely because of his mission) and needed to come home a year early. He will probably be coping with the effects of this problem the rest of his life. Most of the time – 99.9% – I have faith in Heavenly Father’s plan for him and pray for it to strengthen him. But maybe because I’m the mom, there are those moments when it’s tough. I’m overjoyed when missionaries serve wonderfully and come home to great celebration (our 2nd will be home in a month and has had a terrific experience). But my heart aches for those who experience missions -and coming home -differently. Thoughts?
I think I want to do a post about this, and open it up for discussion – the seemingly simple examples would immediately blossom into weighty, and important discussions.
But, I would be happy to chat with you about it outside the blog – email me, or message me on Facebook if you would like.
I agree with the idea of the weeping zone!! I guess if we didn’t love them so much, it would be easy. best wishes to your family as you enjoy the blessing of a missionary! Our family has been enjoying the weekly letters for 10 months, yea! for those who spread the good word!
I agree about the best kept secret in the church. It was emotionally brutal to me, when all 4 of my sons left on their missions. As hard as it is, we would want them to make no other choice. Odd how that works. For me, as a Mom, the days leading up to the departure were the hardest of all. Then by the time my 3rd or 4th one left I realized a predictable pattern: it got better after day 5 of their leaving. Then the blessings started pouring in. I get tears in my eyes just thinking of those blessings…
I can also related to your gun shy feeling. My husband died when our first son was out 10 months. So I was sitting on the edge when #2 son left, thinking okay, what’s next??? But all was well. I felt such an extra protection around our family during our missionary years. Even though the hard times still came, we never felt alone. The spirit stays very close.
And no, you aren’t crazy. You just know how to walk in faith.
Your comment solicited both a “Yikes” and an “Amen”. Thank you.
We just dropped off our sixth and final missionary at the MTC one month ago. The “rip off the band aid” approach is, I believe, kinder to the missionaries, who no longer have to watch their entire families dissolve into puddles. I have dissolved myself many times. This time I was able to say a quick goodbye with a tear in my eye before my baby excitedly walked away with his escorts. Then I cried all the way home. Fortunately, I wasn’t driving.
It always makes me feel better when I watch this video of missionaries coming home. It reminds me that before I know it I will be one of the moms hugging her son in the airport. Without the bitter we wouldn’t know the sweet.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQcSGVmXKNQ
Thanks for the stroll down memory lane. We had the opportunity to do both the go-into-the-MTC-and-say-goodbye and the slow-down-at-the-curb-so-the-missionaries-can-wisk-your-son-away MTC drop offs.
I agree with your EC, a ‘weeping zone’ would be appropriate. With all that extra parking lot space they have now, it seems they could easily put that into place.
Having a missionary serving from your family is one of the greatest times and yet one of the most tender and emotional things we’ve experienced. All of our missionaries are home now. Their lives have been forever changed by their service. Each of them have had amazing opportunities which stem directly from their missions. How grateful I am for those good choices they made as young men!
My bro-in-law is getting home from an honorable mission today. He’s actually the 8th child in that family to serve a mission. Another son from that mission is still out, and another just put his papers in. (Yes it’s huge Utah family). It’s just amazing to me. I married into a great family. At this point, we’re past the sadness and are just proud of these kids for serving.
Both of my brothers moved out and went to college for a year before their missions –so did my dad, and my husband. In fact, so had my BIL and my SIL (the one who served). Because of this, they were already “gone,” so to speak. It was still hard to say good-bye (and I remember the program when my brother left –talk about a sob-fest! –and the curb good-bye with my youngest brother was rough), but it wasn’t so bad. Of course, I was just a sister –I can’t imagine how my mom/dad felt. I have four sons, too (and two daughters!), and I’m expecting many years of tearful goodbyes and welcome homes.
Hooray for missionary work! And I’ll send you some peaceful prayers and thoughts for the next two years. 🙂
We are hoping that our #5’s call will arrive today. She’s our first to go, and we couldn’t be happier for her. She has not lived at home since she went to BYU three years ago, but it’s fun having her home while she waits for the call and to enter the MTC.
So no, you’re not crazy. Kids have to leave sometime (for themselves and for their parents). And what better destination than the Lord’s service?
The hardest I have ever seen my daughter cry was when she found out her uncle was going on a mission (she was about 4 or 5 at the time). When I explained he was going to help Heavenly Father and Jesus, she said, “Can’t they find someone else to help?”
Good luck to your missionary!
My friend called the experience “Delicious Agony”…
I just sent the second of my three sons into the mission field this April, he is a month shy of 21. The past two years have been very difficult but in the end I said, “you already decided when you were baptized that you would do what was requested of you so there is no more deciding.”
Thankfully, he made a good decision and loves the missionaries at the CCM in Guatemala and can’t wait to get out into the field. He said he was “lucky” because he nearly decided not to go but there was no luck involved. Just good old fashioned faith and a few nudges.
Great post.
After the whole family dropped me off at the MTC in 1994, back when they did the vale of tears program, my mom declared that that experience would have to suffice for the rest of us. And my other five sibs went to the MTC with extended family or friends, but we were spared the agony of departure. Much better that way!
Your EC is right about the “best kept secret”! When we took our son to the MTC, I was not prepared for how sad I was or how fast they wisked him away! The missionaries were at the door before we even stopped. I now warn the other missionary moms so they know what to expect. 🙂
I was hoping that it would get easier with each missionary- we still have 2 to go. Darn.
Less than 3 months till my Mexico missionary is home and I’m so excited for our airport reunion!
I was the first missionary in my family (besides my dad). None of my brothers served. My husband was the first son in his family to serve… and he has 8 younger brothers. So far, those who have been old enough have gone and served. It’s really exciting to me to see such a large family (my husband’s) and the example that the older boys are setting for the younger boys. Since we’re in Provo, the last missionary was sent to us and we got to drop him off a couple months ago, just like we will probably do for the next in another few months. I love it so much. And I’m really grateful they don’t drag on the process anymore. When my husband and I served, they still did a nice little program, but neither of our families could be there with us, so there we were (not together of course), surrounded by families, but not our own. For me it was devastating and very painful. While some people hate the new system, for me, it would have been a huge blessing.
I am determined to teach my children that “In this family, we serve missions.” My husband and I plan to serve as many senior missions as we are able.
I was thinking about your family all day on Wednesday. I don’t have any kids of my own (yet…don’t worry, Mom!), but I just want to thank you for letting your kids make the correct decision to go out in the field and serve honorable missions.
Think of the generations of people who will be blessed because of FOML3 and your family’s sacrifice. It might be weepy at times, but that’s normal. You like him, after all!
People will be changed because HE has been taught in the tradition of his fathers (good jorb). How exciting that he now gets to share that goodness with others who are seeking happiness!
This really isn’t helping me… just so you know. 😉 My oldest is waiting for his interview with the Stake President regarding his mission. We’ve never had a missionary on either side of our family and so we are excited. However, our child is also a home-body like your youngest, and it will be difficult. We’re feelin’ for you here in AR.
Sorry! This one is merely our 2nd of 4 – so I’m barely half done! It is tremendously exciting, and after the shock wears off. Then the time picks up and you live for the letters home.
We are looking forward to it! We had no idea how painfully long this process really was though!
I remember my brother telling my mom once (trying to get a rise out of her during an arguement) that he wasn’t going to go on a mission. She told him fine, don’t go. Stopped him in his tracks. He did go though and that was back in the day that they did the whole drop-off, program, make you cry, and say good-bye.
My son is almost 8 and I’m slowly trying my best to balance letting him know I want him to go on a mission because I think it is a good thing, and letting him decide for himself. (Although for now, he just wants to live with me forever and never leave me. That’s okay with me for now.)
We tend to be a bit more direct. We teach our sons that God has revealed through his prophets that He expects them to serve, and it is their duty as priesthood holders. Unless there are extenuating circumstances, there is only one correct choice in the matter – anything else would be a wrong choice.
–Then we let them decide for themselves.
I like this ^^
Yeah, you put it a lot more “eloquent” than I did. I’m just trying to get him baptized first. He is nervous to be put under water. He’s fine with the concept of being baptized and would rather just be confirmed and skip the water part. I have him signed up for swim lessons, so hopefully that will help with his fear.
My daughter was terrified of water when she turned eight. I really worried about what was going to happen at her baptism. But she said she wanted to be baptised, so we went ahead with it. She was dunked, not a peep from her. It was another year before I could get her to put her face in the water at the pool.