As I mentioned in my last post, our family is in the middle of dealing with the loss of a mother and grandmother. It has been a bittersweet week of sadness, happy reunions, and memories. One of my favorite scripture passages that touches on this inevitable time of life is from the Doctrine and Covenants.
Humor me while I take a step back from that first verse and analyze it a bit:
Thou shalt live together in love. Good advice, and a worthy goal. But wait, look at God’s word choice: Thou shalt live together in love.
Shalt? That is one of those commandment words, right? Like “thou shalt not kill,” or “six days shalt thou work.”
That makes sense. God has always commanded us to love each other, so it isn’t really anything new.
But the next part “insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die.” Shalt? Are we being commanded to weep? It doesn’t say “thou mayest weep,” or “should thou chooseth to weep.” It says “thou shalt weep.”
It looks like we are being commanded to weep when someone dies. But before that, it appears to me that we are commanded to love them. Maybe the ability to follow the second commandment hinges on our obedience to the first commandment. If we don’t love someone, we are going to be hard-pressed to muster any real tears for them.
While reflecting on this passage this past week, I have become more curious as to why God would feel the need to command us to do something that seemingly should come so naturally. I think I have an answer – it is mine, based solely on my opinion, unsupported by any scripture or church teachings.
Here is my theory:
As members of the Church, some suffer from an internal struggle between faith and grief.
We are blessed to know the answers to the great questions of life: What happens when we die? Will we live again? Is there a Plan for us? We know that life continues beyond this mortal existence. We know there is hope of an eternal reward. We know we will be resurrected. Those things are a part of out theology, and our sense of self and purpose.
And then a loved one dies. We grieve. We mourn. We cry. And some misinterpret those tears as a lack of understanding. There is a concern that there is not an awareness that the loved one is in a better place, or they mistake grief as doubt, as to the reality of the eternal plan.
Some, who are mourning, are afraid that by expressing their grief, they are somehow showing a lack of faith in God, his plan, and his timing. So they put on a brave face, and smile and nod.
I have watched this past week as sweet, well-meaning people have reassured our family that everything is OK, and that Grandma is now with Grampa. And the concern is appreciated. But once in a while, someone expresses these things in such a way as to make it seem that the tears and the mourning are at odds with our testimonies – the unstated accusation is this: If you had a stronger testimony, you wouldn’t be crying, but you would be rejoicing.
Bah! Cheermongers. That’s how I have decided to refer to those that don’t accept grief, but fixate on how to think past the tears. (I stole “cheermongers” from the Grinch, but it works.)
I would say to those who don’t understand the tears: Grief and mourning are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of love, and obedience. Those that mourn are joined by those who “are willing to mourn with those that mourn.” (Mosiah 18:9)
And to those who grieve, I would say: Go for it. Cry your eyes out. Your tears are not a lack of faith in God or his plan. They are a witness that you have achieved a level of love in your heart that you feel the heartbreaking loss in your very soul. Cry until you are done crying, and stop when you feel it’s time.
I find it tragic that some can live their lives without ever loving deeply enough that their sense of loss can be held in emotional check.
There is no honor in having dry eyes.
Thou shalt weep. Tear-filled eyes, and a strong testimony, are honorable.
I found the Church (Or should I say I have been found) only when I was 20 years old, and learned about the Plan of Salvation. Still it hurts when somebody I know dies. I remember when I was the RS President and a young mother died, very quickly. In two days she got sick and died, leaving behind a husband and a 15 year-old son. Sunday morning I was sitting during RS meeting and I had to leave cause I couldn’t control my tears (and I can’t do it now again). The ward secretary saw me and asked me “Dani, why are you crying?”. I was angry with that question, as if we were not allowed to mourn. I’ve always told myself: Pres. Hinckley cried when his wife died. So I can cry too. Your post gave me the reassurance I was lacking.
Um abraço do Brazil and thanks again for your posts.
I’m reminded of a quote by Elder Nelson that went something like this — the only way to take the sorrow out of death is to take the love out of life. That was shared at Grandma’s funeral, son when in said good-bye to grandpa, I let myself really feel the sorrow, even as people tried to rechannel my attention to the plan to comfort me. I already knew the plan. I wanted to grieve because I loved him. Instill cry sometimes… And it’s been a decade.
Thanks for the post.
I am just catching up on your blog. This was a beautiful post. I just lost my aunt who I was closer to and knew better than any of my other aunts or my uncles. I very much could relate to this post right now. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Just catching up on your blog. What a beautiful post. I lost my closest aunt recently and thus really relate to this post. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
What a great post, MMM! A couple of years ago, some friends of ours lost their precious baby girl after only ten days of life. It was sudden and totally unexpected. The funeral was, of course, beautiful and so many people had the unspoken question, “Why?” written on their faces.
The wise bishop who conducted the service started by saying that our Father in heaven was most likely saddened as well. Not because a precious daughter had been called back home, but rather because his other children were in pain. His children were grieving and He was grieving with them. A loving father never wishes to see his children suffer. The bishop went on to share (with the parents’ approval, of course) that he arrived at the hospital minutes after the passing of the child. The parents were still holding the lifeless body of their daughter. With tears streaming down their faces, the husband looked at the bishop and asked, “What do we do now?”
That wise bishop simply answered, “You grieve.”
I am not a stranger to death. I have had people close to me pass away and while there is a degree of comfort in knowing our Father’s plan for all of us, there is still, however, the very real and very bitter sting that always accompanies the loss of a loved one.
My condolences to you and your family. May God bless you.
Thank you. I was trying to reconcile my grief with my faith after my brother had a stroke last week. His prospects for recovery were not good and I was heartbroken for his wife and our extended family. And it bothered me that I was so heartbroken. Then I read your post and it comforted me. I posted a link to it, and it comforted his daughter, who is not LDS. He died on New Year’s Eve. Eventually we will laugh more than we cry as we remember him; but for now, we weep.
I lost a beloved younger brother 4 years ago to a really nasty cancer. There are moments when I’m overwhelmed with the loss of his presence and I cry. There are times when I’m lying in the bed he built for me that I cry. I was at the doctors office the other day and they were asking me about family health history and when I told them about Kirk, I got teary eyed. I know he’s in a better place, having a blast and now knowing where all the water went at the end of the flood…he always wanted to know that and I told him to somehow let us all know. I just thought I’d go before him, he was so much fun and I miss being with him.
Adding my sincere condolences to your family, especially your EC.
Elder Marvin J. Ashton added the gift of weeping as a spiritual gift {as well as others} in a conference talk years ago. What a kind gift from a loving Heavenly Father for us to use when we grieve!
MMM, I so appreciated this post. Grief is something I really struggle with. I do not have difficulty so much in the passing of a loved one….I have plenty of tears to cry and feel free to shed them, in most circumstances. But how do you feel about other grief and loss?? For instance, though I was only 18, when my parents split up their temple marriage, I cried for only three days straight and then decided that I might cry forever and made a conscious decision to turn the tears off and bury the grief. It has been a lot of years learning that grief is OK and appropriate and that burying it, instead of allowing it, is spiritually detrimental to my growth. I cry when people I know and love leave the church, or get divorced, or lose their loved ones. My love for them is so deep that I really have to work to keep my emotions in check so I can function in my family.
I guess what I am trying to say is, there is a line somewhere between grieving and feeling sorrow and being able to function so that you are not consumed by your grief and become unable to function. (Because I believe that happens too.) I do not know where that line is, for me or for anyone else, which is probably why I choose to shut it down. I am afraid of hitting that line. Maybe this is more just the natural woman trying to handle it on her own instead of allowing it to be swallowed up in the healing of the Atonement…..just thinking out loud now….
I think you are very wise. Grief can turn into a lifestyle, and at some point, we need to get on with our lives.
When we cross the line from healthy grieving, to obsessive grieving, THEN I believe it becomes a spiritual issue, and many of the concerns about faith, and casting our burdens on the Lord come into play.
That said, I sure wouldn’t want to be the one to try and draw that line for anyone but myself.
When my husband died and I was 42 and 6 months pregnant with an unexpected gift and a mother of a 16 year old, 12 year old and 9 year old I was enveloped by angelic arms. I shed tears and felt sorrow but I was also transformed and reassured and lifted by heavenly arms. I was also belittled by individuals for not crying enough (how about holding it together for the kids and not having an early delivery for trying to keep things calm?!). I also had 3 kids who didn’t want anyone from church coming over because they were so upsetting to us. As my 9 year old said, “Don’t they have a testimony? Dad is waiting for us.” It is a very bad practice to judge how someone mourns. Not everyone is comfortable with a public expression of sorrow.
A very, very difficult time in our lives was made more difficult by those who believed themselves to be “mourning experts.”
I’ll pray for your comfort and your expression of grief.
I agree. My point was that we should not presume someone LACKS faith and testimony, just because they cry and grieve.
Thank you for this post. It has been a rough couple of months for my family. My aunt died unexpectedly at the age of 37 while caring for her 9 year old child who was at the hospital after going through a bone marrow transplant for leukemia. That in itself was tough, but then two weeks afterwards, my uncle and cousin were informed that the transplant did not work and the cancer was back and there was nothing they could do. My cousin is currently at home with hospice care and we are not expecting him to live for very much longer. Anytime I’ve cried I’ve felt bad because I know The Plan. But this post has given me some comfort and now I know it’s okay to cry! Thank you!!!
Couldn’t agree with you more! Jesus wept when he heard of Lazarus’ death.
I have learned that I dont ever really grieve the death of those I love- and not for a lack of trying or because I have great faith in the plan of salvation- in a “normal” way. I have never cried at a funeral, or been upset by the death of a loved one. I think my grief shows itself over time in the moments when something reminds me of those I lost.
This is how I am and I would never presume that it was the best way. I think crying is incredibly therapeutic and can help in those times.
Thanks for this post
AND CRY WE WILL
I feel for you and your losses
I cry when people I don’t know pass
Some connection I don’t pretend to understand
I just feel for others out of love for my fellow man
I feel for people walking around talking to themselves
Have a great New Year
Wife and I are going to see Lincoln. The movie. Lol
Thank you for sharing this scripture. Yesturday marked the one year anniversary of my mother’s passing. The tears were flowing freely. Some days they just do. I think I will always miss her terribly while I walk this earth. I can only imagine the joy I will feel when we meet again.
May you find comfort in The Lord.
Thank you for this post. Two and a half years ago I was introduced to a marvelous, righteous man. A year and a half ago he was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer, metastasized to his liver and lungs. Six months later, he was doing well enough with chemo that he proposed. We celebrate our first anniversary in two weeks. The cancer has since metastasized to his spine and a hip, and there is another mass on (but not in) his brain, for which he is receiving radiation (and some relief from the headaches, blurred vision, etc.) The doctors say we have three to six months. We are lining up our temporal ducks accordingly, knowing that a prognosis is an opinion and not a prediction, and that Heavenly Father is very much in charge. One of the blessings of this daily walk with cancer is that we do not take one single day, or one another, for granted. That is no small thing, and I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. Thank you for this post, which helped me release a few tears of my own. The Lord bless you and keep you, and give you peace…
Beautiful post. I though of that scripture often when my mom passed on. So sorry for your loss. I still miss my mom often like a previous poster said. And when the grief seemed overwhelming, I was often reminded that the depth of my grief would not be so great if the depth of love was not so deep. We’ll see her again, I know she is fine, but I still miss her. If it is okay to cry when a loved one goes away but stays in this life (on a mission, college, move, whatever), I think it is certainly okay to grieve and cry when a loved one leaves this life. The reunion is certain, the timing not so much. And in the meantime, our hearts break we miss them very much. My condolences to your whole family as you work through this difficult time. One of the greatest blessings to me was the profound mixture of both grief and comfort I felt so many times. And the knowledge that our grief and love were intertwined.
Thanks for another insightful post. As others have commented, just because we have faith in eternal life and forever families doesn’t mean we don’t feel a terrible hole in our hearts and our lives. We’re mortals in a mortal state, and we miss our loved ones in a mortal way.
Pruniemae
I’ve had to deal with death a lot, and it took time for me to realize that it is okay to grieve. The last time it happened, I knew that at any time I could pray for comfort, and He would help me. But instead I prayed and told him that I just wanted to hurt for awhile, and he told me that was okay.
This is a great post. I love the distinction you make – between grief and faith. It is true.
A year and a half ago, my brother passed away – at the age of 18. I had already seen 3 of my grandparents pass on. I was saddened at those funerals, but nothing in comparison to my brother. And I do have a testimony. In fact, I was greatly comforted – knowing that because of the temple work I had done in the past, my brother would be greeted by people who know and love him – his family in the next world.
Yet I still grieved. I miss my brother. I felt sorry that we wouldn’t make more memories. A lot of grief also came from regret – we were 15 years apart, so we weren’t very close. I kept thinking, If only I knew that he would only be here 18 years, I would have done more in the relationship!
I still see his face on FB, he is still missing at family get-togethers, and that will remain the same. Though we aren’t crying anymore, we still miss him. Even with the knowledge of the gospel, and the comfort of knowing he’s okay – and knowing that we will one day be reunited with him – there is still sadness in his departure.
Anyway…thanks.
It may be only your opinion, but I might start taking your blog as gospel. thanks for this perspective, I’ve always been on the side of the fence that assumed a lack of faith or understanding. The Lord grieves, why would it be improper or unfaithful for us to grieve?
better said: I didn’t know how to reconcile eternal perspective with present feelings of grief.
Thank you for your post. I would just like to say some of us cry silently and just because you can’t see the tears on the cheeks or in the eyes doesn’t mean we don’t mourn the loss of a loved one.
The idea is not to condemn all those who don’t cry, but to point out that there is nothing to be gained by not grieving. Not everyone sheds tears, but they feel the grief. Sorry I didn’t explain it better.
I couldn’t agree more if I tried. I have always felt that the tears, for us, are about missing the deceased until we meet again. You can’t get around the void that is left behind. Just because we will see them again doesn’t mean they won’t be missed until we do. Also, things will be different then and I worry I won’t like different. Will we still enjoy the beach together or will it all be white and boring? I usually cry even at funerals of people in the ward I didn’t know well because I hear how awesome they were and I see what I need to change so my kids will say I was awesome too. Also, I am a sympathetic crier. “Good Sabbath” indeed. 🙂
Thank you. We lost our daughter and her young husband in a traffic accident two years ago.Their tiny 7 week old daughter survived them. I was grateful then and am now that I loved so deeply that I could mourn. I am also grateful for the plan of salvation and the blessings of the atonement but even so, the loss of their presence in my life here and now has been reason for many tears.
My sincere sympathy on your loss.
I have a sneaking suspicion that this post was written for an audience of one.
Anyway, it does clear things up for me somewhat. I wondered when my grandma died, why she was so afraid of death. She had a sound understanding of the gospel and a great testimony. But that testimony didn’t diminish the human feelings of uncertainty, of loss, of having to let go and leave behind those she loves…with just the hope that what she believed all her life was true!
I know that when she did pass on, she found nothing but joy and love waiting for her and plenty of people there to cheer her on and comfort the fears she felt as she was faced with death….I know because I could sense it…it was very tangible that this was the case.
Thanks for your post…it helped me to see that her feelings were very real and raw, but not unwarranted…even from people “who know!”
Thank you for sharing this. Loss of a loved one is such a hard thing, even with the surety of seeing them again, for myself it will probably be another 30-40 years before I am reunited with my brother (who passed a few months ago). While I know I will see him, it did not stop the holidays from being hard and I admit that the tears flowed freely, as we would spend Thanksgiving and Christmas together. Its not a lack of faith, but a sorrow that someone who meant so much to us is no longer physically here to share the moments in our lives.
To know that while we have no choice but to move forward, that they, in our memories, are frozen at the moment of their passing… to not grow older alongside of us. My thoughts and prayers are with you and all of those who mourn at this time. Sorrow is something we should never have to feel ashamed of, regardless of how the world around us may view it.
Well said. May God be with you and yours thru this time. {{HUGS}}
Thanks for that. Can you do me a favor and edit it =) I was reading it aloud to my wife (she’s coming up on the first anniversary of her Mother’s death) and I had to keep interrupting myself to fix the spelling and grammar.
Too funny. I apologize. It was written very quickly, and emotionally, and then posted, Anyone who follows my blog knows that the post go up without much editing, and then gradually get fixed up.
Sorry if I offended your brain, but I am glad to hear you were reading it to your wife.
I read most of them to her. Jeffery doubles down on awesome indeed. I also do my best to shill your posts far and wide every time one pops up via rss in my Google reader.
AMEN! I wish more members of the Church understood this. I was amazed at a recent funeral to hear someone say that it wasn’t sad, because of the gospel. Of course it is sad to be separated from someone you love, even though you know it is temporary! The depth of your grief is directly related to the depth of your love for the person.
I do hope that heavenly peace is in your home as you mourn this loss.
Stellar post MMM.
So sorry for your loss, and thank you for sharing this post and your insight. When my mother died, I cried buckets and still shed the occasional tear several years later. My children were very young when she died and were concerned that I cried. I told them that even if I know that she is happy and at peace and that we will see her again, I will still miss having her here with me. I am happy for her but sad for us. Wish I had noticed this scripture back then.
I am reminded of the fact that Jesus wept with Mary and Martha for their brother. Jesus felt and shared in the same heartache, while he as our Savior, knew better than anyone of the plan of salvation.
God bless.
Wonderful insight. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Exactly. Even Christ wept.
Beautifully said. My condolences to you and your family. ’til you meet again at Jesus’ feet.
Beautifully said. My condolences to you and your family. ’til you meet again at Jesus’ feet.