That was fast. As soon as I heard the news, I fired off a resume to the Conclave at the Vatican to see if they would consider me as the new Pope. They replied back within fifteen minutes, and the news wasn’t good. I don’t really think they even gave my CV a fair reading.
Here is the letter they sent back: (I had to translate it from Latin, so bear with me.)
Esteemed Man of Mormon of Middle Ages:
With great joy we inform you that your application for the Papacy has been rejected with great energy and gladness. In the grand tradition of the Papal Conclave, we see fit to promote from within, rather than bring in new person from outside.
In addition, we should notify you that you’re a very, very Mormon. To be more specific, you are not the kind of saint we are looking for.
Thank you for your submittal, and best of luck in your search to be a dominate figure in world religion.
Ciao,
The College of the Cardinals
Sistine Chapel
The Vatican
Did you find that a little terse? I did. I have included my resume so you can see what I sent in.
Career Goal:
To continue the Papal tradition of wearing out one’s life as one of the world’s greatest forces for good. And to continue teaching the world about God, mercy, kindness and service. And of course, all this would be accomplished while displaying profound finesse.
Education & Experience:
• Graduated from Seminary at 17 years of age, and continued religious instruction at a Church school (BYU). Graduated from that grand religious institution in 1986. It should be noted that said institution did go on to defeat Notre Dame not once, but twice, during the next 27 football seasons.
• Served as a Deacon at the age of twelve, and eventual went on to serve as a Priest and a Bishop.
• Did not attain the title of Cardinal, in that he decided not to enroll at Stanford.
• Has many Catholic friends. Two best friends from childhood were devout Catholics, which was great, except that one time when they couldn’t go see Planet of the Apes on Good Friday. (link here)
• Well-versed in Catholic theology, including, but not limited to, the following:
• Attempted to go without soda for Lent. Twice.
• Really enjoys fish, and not only on Friday.
• Understands the Nicene Creed, and can spell, and pronounce, “catechism” correctly.
(Still working on correct pronunciation of “Ecumenical.”)
• Comprehends, and is mildly grossed out, by the concept of transubstantiation. Along those same lines, you should probably know that he does not drink wine. Will that present a problem?
• Is a quick study: Learned to use the new replacement cable remote in under a week.
• Has been to Italy. Learned the beauty of Pasta Carbonara, and the Pieta, by Michelangelo.
• Spent quality time in the Sistine Chapel, and was successful in taking a really nice picture without getting caught or yelled at.
• Was intelligent enough to buy advance tickets, rather than wait in line to tour the Vatican.
• Holds no ill will towards the taxi driver that ripped him off in St. Peter’s Square. (True story)
• Read both Angels & Demons, and The DaVinci Code. Still quite skeptical, but enjoyed Tom Hanks portrayal of Robert Langdon.
• Would LOVE to give a speech to a multitude from a balcony. And maybe even sing a little.
Personal Life:
• Married for 26 years. I know that could be a deal breaker, but I’m keeping her. Forever. And I’m not too big on the whole “abstinence thing” either. (Should I have held that for the interview?)
• Maintains a “Mormon” blog, with a potential readership of tens of millions. (Actual readership, tens of hundreds.) As it is an anonymous blog, this should not interfere with required duties.
• Enjoys movies, but would be willing to wait for the DVD releases to avoid wearing that extra-tall hat in a public movie theater.
Immediate Plans if Selected:
• Invite local LDS missionaries to teach the Apostasy to the Conclave, just to see how they do. (The Cardinals – the Missionaries will do fine.)
• Update wardrobe and Popemobile.
• Put President Monson on speed dial. (Just in case…)
• Delete Papal Pinterest page.
I’ll bet that if I had waited a couple of days, they might have been more interested – maybe I just looked too eager.
I found your blog a while back and check it every so often, but this post just made me a faithful follower. Absolutely hilarious!!! Thank you for your great humor.
One of your best. Tears of helpless laughter. Thank you!
There’s probably going to be Catholic riots outside your house MMM. Anonymous or not they have thier ways of finding you and prosecute you for your sacrilege not to mention your snarcism they may even make all Catholics leave Utah. They take the papacy very seriously They have thier own army which is probably on the way to your house. I have friends that will put in a good word for you before you are executed in Vatican square. I think they still have a gallows for heretics. Lol.
What a riot! Nicely done. I think the only thing missing from your resume was some form of broader education. Some postgraduate work from the U of U, for example, would probably have been the frosting on the cake. [hehehe]
Thank you so much for the amazing belly laugh I just got from this post! I needed it!!! Much appreciation!
They have the same link to Christ they had before Monday morning. They still have prayer, scripture, and personal revelation (yes even non Mormons get that). And don’t be confused, the prophet of God is still on the earth. As are the Twelve special witnesses.
Too soon for humor? Possibly. But some of us will joke in all the unPC places in the name of coping. MMM meant no disrespect to the man or tha carholic church at large. He just found the light side of things.
Seriously, my phone changed Catholic to carholic? Awesome.
Thanks for the defense, appreciated but unnecessary. Shantel and I are tight, and have been chatting about this offline.
Too soon for humor? Nah. If he had died, I wouldn’t have made a peep.
You could’ve just stopped at profound finesse. I’m sure that that one skill has the ability to meet any qualification necessary, even for the pope. As well as continuing to be hilarious.
That post was just hilarious!
Even with the wet towel Shantel threw on it! Yet I had no idea something happened to the Pope so I am off to do some research!
I can walk AND chew gum!
Maybe you should have mentioned your stance on gay marriage and abortion. The Catholics and Mormons are on the same side of those issues.
People think he’s going straight to hell? What if the poor guy just has dimentia? I would totally vote for you for pope– if I were a celibate, Catholic man. I’d even vote for you to be my bishop; I’ll bet we’d have some entertaining Ward Councils.
Ps. I totally got busted for taking pictures in the Sistine chapel. They even took the film from my camera! What ever happened to ‘ turn the other cheek’?
Exactly! They are ruthless in the Sistine Chapel. That’s why I thought it was resume-worthy.
You can’t turn down the calling for any reason. Especially once you have been ordained. The last guy that did it- it was 600 years ago, and there was 3 guys in position for the spot. Its interesting to me how Mormons can make this into such a light situation, considering, Catholics do not have a direct line to Christ. So without the Pope, many devout members woke up Monday morning with the Savior. We don’t understand that- so this is something we can laugh about. Yes, he has funny hats, and he has a funny pope mobile- but he is also their only link to Christ. Its like the Jews losing the Temple.
without not with
That just sucks the fun right out of this.
Funny post. I am sad about the whole thing. I have a few very dear friends that are shaken. From their viewpoint, this man is going straight to Hell, and they are heartbroken. This is a big deal.
Hilarious!
Just have never mentioned Notre Dame. However, I still find your resume to be stellar and I can’t believe they rejected you so quickly!
whatev’s
The wife and the wine did you in. Maybe next time.
Ciao…LOL!
Always a bummer when you find out the position is really only open to people already within the company. Have you considered applying for apostle or seventy?
I had to google the word ‘transubstantiation’-how will I ever sleep tonight?
You had them, until you mentioned Tom Hanks. They have still not forgiven him.
Totally their loss!
I don’t even no where to begin…how do you know that the Pope doesn’t already have President Monson’s number on speed dial?
Ciao Bella!