Last month I wrote a piece to encourage men to make a good effort on Mother’s Day. (link here) It was brash, and it was silly, and – for the most part – well received. What I did not anticipate was that I would get some comments like this:
“I loathe church on Mother’s Day.”
“My wife hates going to church on Mother’s Day.”
“Mother’s Day is the worst day of the year for me.”
“I wish they wouldn’t make a big deal out of it at church.”
There are some of you out there who have already been assigned to speak about motherhood in church next Sunday, or will be assigned shortly. As you prepare your remarks, please remember there will be people in the congregation who do not want to hear what you have to say, and hate that fact that you are talking about mothers. And I guarantee that some of people that hear you speak will be hurt, or offended, and possibly angry.
Ummm. Yeah, I know. Sorry about that. Did that just make it harder?
What do you do in a situation like this? Do you back off? Do you change the subject? Do you apologize?
This isn’t the only situation that is like this quandary. Here are a few more:
• You are teaching a Relief Society class on Elder Oaks’ epic General Conference talk “Divorce.” Sitting right there in the second row, you can’t help but see Sister Jones wiping her eyes – as she has recently finalized a particularly rough divorce. Right behind her is Sister Davis, who has been divorced twice, looking particularly miffed.
• You are teaching about Eternal Marriage in Elder’s quorum, and Brother Smith, the ward’s perpetual bachelor, is listening intently, and looking increasingly uncomfortable.
• You are a bishop teaching about spousal and child abuse, and you see people in the congregation who you know have issues with abuse – some resolved, some unresolved – and they look paranoid, hurt and/or angry.
• You are teaching the Priest Quorum about missionary service, and one of the boys just signed his letter of intent to skip a mission and play football.
What do we do?
Do we tone it down? Do we change up the lesson we have prepared and focus on other things? Do we apologize then and there? Do we just plow forward and avoid eye-contact?
These hypotheticals are not very hypothetical – they are real. Many of us have found ourselves in this situation that I have described. And some of us may find ourselves in it today, or on Mother’s Day.
None of us want to stand up in front of a group and offend. We want to teach, and motivate, and build faith. We work hard to have the Spirit with us to guide us in what we say, and to touch the hearts of both teacher and student. We have been directed to “preach the word of truth by the Comforter,” so that “he that preacheth, and he that receiveth, understand one another, and both are edified and rejoice together.” (D&C 50: 17, 22)
But it takes two to tango. (Actually three.)
After the Mother’s Day post, I was thinking a lot about this challenge: How can we preach truth, and not hurt some people’s feelings and offend?
Simple answer: We can’t. So do we back off? We can’t do that either.
We aren’t the only ones who struggle with this. I recently read a talk by President Boyd K. Packer (Yes, my go-to-guy) that he gave back in 1993. As you know, President Packer joins others such a Elder Oaks, Elder Bednar, and even Elder Perry as some of those who preach truth, and do not “tone it down.” They are unapologetic, and I know that some turn off General Conference offended and angered by them
In his talk, President Packer discusses this exact dilemma. Rather than paraphrase it, I will just share the passage with you that applies. The example he drew on was the issue working mothers – which immediately stirs strong reactions, as does most parts of the Family Proclamation.
“To illustrate principles which apply to all of these problems, I have taken one common one — working mothers. President Ezra Taft Benson gave a talk to wives and mothers. There was a reaction within the Church. That was very interesting, because if you read his talk carefully, it was, for the most part, simply a compilation of quotations on the subject from the prophets who have preceded him.
Some mothers must work out of the home. There is no other way. And in this they are justified and for this they should not be criticized. We cannot, however, because of their discomfort over their plight, abandon a position that has been taught by the prophets from the beginning of this dispensation. The question then is, “How can we give solace to those who are justified without giving license to those who are not?”
The comfort they need is better, for the most part, administered individually. To point out so-called success stories inferring that a career out of the home has no negative effect on a family is an invitation to many to stray from what has been taught by the prophets and thus cause members to reap disappointment by and by.
I think President Thomas S. Monson may not appreciate what I am going to say now. I know of no one who maintains such a large private ministry of counsel and comfort in the midst of heavy pressures of office than does Brother Monson. He says very little about it, but he visits the sick, hospitals, homes, comforting, counseling, both in person and in writing. However, I have never heard him over the pulpit, nor have I read anything in his writings — not one thing — that would give any license to any member to stray from the counsel of the prophets or to soften the commandments that the Lord has given. There is a way to give comfort that is needed.
If we are not very careful, we will think we are giving comfort to those few who are justified and actually we will be giving license to the many who are not.”
Yes, I appreciate the irony that some readers will be offended by that passage. He is saying that we can’t “tone it down,” because that can be mistaken for an endorsement.
But the main point that jumps out at me is this:
“The comfort they need is better, for the most part, administered individually.”
Doesn’t that ring true? Minister to the one?
“How think ye? If a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains and seeketh that which is gone astray?” (Matthew 18:12)
We seek out the one – but it is OK to leave the 99 with something to chew on before we go.
How does this apply to Mother’s Day?
a) It is an opportunity to teach truth to the congregation. Full blast, unmodulated. Preach the profound glory that is Motherhood – even though not everyone wants to hear it.
b) It is also an opportunity to minister to the individual. If you are assigned to visit teach a sister who had been struggling for years to bear children, and has been unable. Perhaps this would be a good week to visit her and tell her “I know this is a hard time for you, but I want you to know that I love you, and God loves you. I look forward to seeing you Sunday.”
In another scenario, a bishop could call a man with addiction issues into his office and say, “This Sunday we are having a combined meeting about pornography. I know it will be difficult for you, but I feel you need to be there. I want you to know that I love you, the Lord loves you, and that I will be praying for you.”
Of course, these types of conversations would occur as we feel directed by the Spirit – that is expected. But the timing can matter. I always seem to have these thoughts during the lesson, or when I look over and see Sister Jones weeping, or long after the face. I never seem to have the forethought to minister in advance. I find myself ministering to pick up the pieces, not to to instill faith or help prepare.
Teach truth to the group – minister to the individual.
That kindness and service will help save the one.
That courage will help save the 99.
Which makes for 100. 100 is awesome.
precisely. and I’ve been surprised to witness people not wanting to hear that the gospel is about studying the ideal. wise words from Elder Packer, as always.
I love this post. Partly because I’m not a fan of the way Mother’s Day is celebrated at church. And mostly because I wholeheartedly agree with you that we should always teach the truth even when it might be awkward or painful for others. I am in my 40s and not yet married. I don’t mind at all when there are lessons on eternal marriage because I know that is a true principle. And yet, I think the ways Mother’s Day is handled (at least in the US) has more to do with our religious culture than it has to do with gospel principles. Have talks on motherhood and the divinity of women any other Sunday and there’s no question as to whether it is appropriate.
All that said, I feel for church leadership because no matter how you slice it women will be hurt or offended on Mother’s Day – even when they know they shouldn’t be. Whether you’re not yet a mother, whether you are unable to bear children, whether you’ve lost a child to death, whether you’ve had a child stray from the Church, or whether you are older and your children live far away…. it can be a hard hard day. I go in with the perspective that church leadership are doing the very best they can with a difficult situation and that their intent is to build us up and help us feel loved.
I was taught in a RS meeting once by a wise woman who said we need to learn how to separate principle from practice. She used the example of a lesson on family unity where the teacher says families should eat dinner together every night. Generally, that’s a good idea. But of course the RS meeting would have included single and widowed sisters, people with teenagers with after-school jobs, wives of General Authorities who would be gone from home most nights, etc. You get the idea. So she taught the class to look for the principle (spend some time every day with your family members, listening and talking to them). Then fit the principle to practices that work for you (call out of town dad at family prayer time, have one-on-one time with the teenager when she comes home from school or before bed, etc.) I think I’ve avoided being offended by “separating the practice from the principle.” I think maybe we could benefit from teaching that idea over the pulpit or in classes, too.
Thank you for this. I am speaking on Mother’s day and I am terrified that I will offend someone. I have one friend in the ward that I know is struggling with infertility and one that a single sister. I always seem to come off and say the wrong thing. I am going to try and talk with them this week. How do you speak about the “calling of motherhood” with out offending someone?
I really liked this post and identified with some of the shared feelings from your readers. My input is that most sorrows are temporary, or at least super-painful for a short time. For years my husband and I couldn’t have children and went through seemingly endless infertility treatments. Those Mother’s Days were difficult because I wanted to be a Mother and wasn’t. I remember feeling bad, mostly because well-intentioned speakers or teachers would publicly identify me as a good sister, though not a mother, thinking that would make me feel included. I hated it. If I could just be part of the congregation or class, even painful things, can be heard and taken in and put away until I needed it. Years later, after we adopted kids and now Mother’s Day is not the ordeal it was once, I notice the sisters who are not loving Mother’s Day and I have decided it is time to say hello as usual and behave as usual without mentioning Mother’s Day. If she wants to talk about it, she will.
My best advice for those struggling is to go visit a friend in another ward where you know no one. It is so much easier to just go with it if other’s aren’t trying to be helpful. Then you can just enjoy the meeting and come away with things to think about and no baggage.
A number of years ago I lived in a ward where two of the eleven year old boys had no father in the home, because their fathers had died tragically young, just a few years earlier. Both fathers had been excellent priesthood holders, and both mothers were excellent mothers.
In Primary one week, preparing for Fathers’ Day, they sang “I’m So Glad When Daddy Gets Home.” I don’t blame the song leader or the pianist — they have plenty on their plate to worry about and this slipped through the cracks. The boys weren’t trouble makers; they weren’t the ones the Primary presidency had to worry about making mischief during sharing time.
And so they sang. And those boys sang. LOUDLY. Somewhere between bitterly and (they thought) hilariously. SCREAMING and SHOUTING, they sang. Slightly off beat, so it was impossible to miss to eleven year old boys belting about their dead fathers.
The Primary President was mortified. These two boys were clearly aching at the song. And she did exactly the right thing. She took the boys outside, one at a time, and talked to them. Lovingly, patiently, about their fathers. She listened to them. She ministered to them.
It was exactly what you described in your post. She ministered to the one who didn’t fit the standard-primary-child-mold and who was hurt (in his eleven year old boy way). There were no negative lasting consequences — in fact, I think the boys were stronger knowing that their Primary President loved them and cared for them. Did the song still sting for those two boys? Yes. But did they act out? No, because they knew that they were known and loved.
I was listening to a a General Conference talk this morning called, “The Lord’s Way” (Elder Stanley G. Ellis, April 2013). He said he is often asked, ‘”Do you want me to speak directly or with sugar?” As a rule the Saints have chosen “direct!”‘ Wonderful post today! It went so well with what I was listening to, a second witness so to speak. Thanks!
True. True. True.
I really like the idea of reaching out ahead of time to let those who may be struggling know that they are loved- because I think a lot of times the hurt comes from feeling that others simply do not understand the pain, or feeling mis-judged, or even feeling invisible and unnoticed.
My eternal marriage ended in a shocking way as I discovered my EC’s involvement in pornography, and adultery. I remember how difficult it was to sit through some of those lessons on eternal marriage and the blessings of the priesthood in the home(especially to teach them)…and to hear people bear their testimonies and say how grateful they were for a loving spouse who honors his priesthood… It was tough to hear. Not because I wasn’t happy for those who had the “ideal” situation. But because I felt a loss and I knew my family deserved better.
But I also knew the principles being taught were true- and that’s why it hurt so much. Because I wanted the “ideal” family for my children. I knew we deserved that type of happiness.
I saw the pain my children suffered every Father’s Day as they were expected to stand up and sing songs that said, “…I want to be like him in every way. He teaches me that honesty is best in all I do…” My son said, “It’s a lie.”
Because their reality was that their father lied, cheated, and betrayed his family and God. Their father wasn’t honest. They didn’t want to be like him in every way. And I never forced my children to stand up and sing those songs on Father’s Day- but I did teach them the truth about Heavenly Father’s plan for families. I would point out the kind of father Heavenly Father is- and the kind of father he wants His sons to be.
Truth needs to be taught- even though it may be painful sometimes. Life will always be a test of our faith.
Thank you for this post.
This was right on (as usual).
OH great, I am speaking on Mother’s Day. I wasn’t paranoid before…but then again I have a way of saying what I want to say without regard. But this is good advice. THanks!
For some reason, I don’t think you will have any problem at all. Good luck.
A few years ago, while living a in ward with many military members, our Primary president decided to make a video of the kids singing to end to their fathers for Father’s Day. She is explaining this to the children and one little boy keeps insisting that his daddy can’t watch it. She finally asked why and he said sadly “He’s in jail!”
After that we made an effort to point out that even if your earthly parents are not around or ar not the best examples, each of us has Heaven;y parents who love ans care for us. I have also noticed an increasing focus on supporting the institution of motherhood, (and fatherhood!) whatever your personal circumstances.
I have always loved mother’s day. I think it is an opportunity to celebrate all the mothers in the world and the motherly figures in our lives; grandmothers, aunts, cousins, teachers, etc. On the otherhand, I have always been disappointed in the way Father’s Day is handled, even in the church. Like it’s an afterthought. I wish father’s were reverenced like mothers…instead of making them look like goofyballs.
Our stake president has mandated that there be no talks about motherhood on Mother’s Day and no gifts given to the mothers/women. Last year the Primary children sang during Sacrament Meeting, but it was not a Mother’s Day song — it was the Articles of Faith. It was my first Mother’s Day in this stake, and I asked other sisters what they thought about this apparent effort to avoid causing offense, hurt feelings, etc… Not surprisingly, it caused much offense and hurt feelings because motherhood was NOT addressed AT ALL. (Oh, except the person giving the invocation did mention mothers!)
I strongly support my leaders and do not make a habit of speaking negatively about our Stake President, but personally I’d say I appreciate your perspective and advice on this topic a little more than his! 🙂
AuntSue
Thank you MMM. Once again, you have beautifully clarified issues and doctrines. Thank you for another thought provoking post.
I’m reminded of something I learned in a management class in college: “He who has the most emotion invested in the problem owns the problem.” I think that goes well with the idea that you have to teach the standard despite the few who take issue with it. It really is an issue they need to work out personally, though we can and should offer comfort and succor where appropriate.
That being said, thanks for the reminder about Mother’s Day next week. My sister (married 10 years, no kids) has always been a favorite aunt to my 4 kids, and they usually honor her on Mother’s Day as well as me. She has recently moved away, so we need to get something in the mail…
As someone dealing with infertility, this post means a lot to me. We are skipping church this Sunday and taking a trip with my family instead. It’s just TOO painful, maybe next year will be easier.
I still appreciate the positive thoughts and hope more people feel the truth in this and listen.
Sometimes I think we just need to take a moment and look within ourselves to evaluate our feelings. Are our feelings of guilt, frustration, or disappointment coming from the Spirit? Or the adversary?
Do we feel guilty about something we know we need to improve upon? Or do we feel guilty because we look at others and feel we don’t measure up? Feeling guilty can be a good thing. Or a negative thing.
Where are the feelings coming from? Which source?
Is it a positive emotion? {Necessary to make a change, change our hearts, progression} or is it Negative? {Stalls progression….thinking we are nothing and will always be less than perfect}
Something to think about…….especially for women on Mother’s Day.
Wow! You just hit the nail on the head. MOM guilt is the WORST!!!!
My mom used to hate Mother’s Day. I remember as a young wife and mother I kind of took this attitude on myself for awhile. Maybe I thought it was somehow humble to feel inadequate, but it hurt my husband and children’s feelings to say I didn’t like that day. Since then I just overlook all of what I am not and just am grateful for that day because it celebrates my children and husband, as well as Heavenly Father for making me a mother- my very most favorite thing ever!
So grateful for this post and for you mentioning those talks because I actually have needed to find references on that subject for another reason. As I read it I felt it was an answer to prayers! Thank you!
Excellent post, MMM. My family lived in Savannah, GA for two years while my husband attended grad school and we had a congregation with quite the varied backgrounds. It would have been possible to offend someone every single Sunday, but we had a bishop who was kind and sensitive enough to comfort the needs of the one, while teaching to the 99.
We cannot, under any circumstances, teach less than the standards given to us by our God. But we can help and serve those whose lives require them to work outside of the perfect circumstances we wish were available to all.
We are often offended when we lack understanding. Frustration comes from unmet expectations. I would suggest that those who “hate” Mother’s Day, talks about eternal marriage, etc., may want to remember why we hold them so sacred, and to remember that our Father in Heaven knows the sorrows of all of His children. Your struggles are known to Him. If you have a desire to understand, He will help you receive it.
I don’t think the point is Mother’s day but I could be wrong here.
I’m getting…. teach the masses, minister to the one.
Any and every doctrine – we should be teaching the words of the scriptures and prophets and then following the guidance of the Spirit, making sure to minister to one that you may know needs some extra compassion with that particular doctrine.
I remember a relief society lesson regarding forgiveness. It was a tough one and out of the blue a woman stood up sobbing and ran from the room. As I learned later she had some serious issues that she was dealing with and no one knew it. The teacher could not have possibly known it ahead of time to warn this sister, nor was this sister a regular attender so hard to predict if she would have been there in the first place.
After an uncomfortable silence, the teacher collected her wits, apologized and expressed love and compassion for the sister and then proceeded teaching doctrine.
She kept teaching doctrine.
I have no doubt she sought out the sister later and in private ministered to her needs with love, understanding and empathy, but she didn’t change her lesson to accommodate not hurting feelings or “softening” the teachings.
Great post, great lesson to remember.
Thanks
Thank you for this post. Iknow what you want of us…to be more aware of and compassionate to the “one”, which is not always easy. To me the most important commandment is to ‘love one another’,and for me it’s the hardest to keep. It’s a common fault to put up barrier’s between some when we should be putting our arms around them.
“Teach truth to the group – minister to the individual.
That kindness and service will help save the one.
That courage will help save the 99.”
Love this!
This post is fantastic and not necessarily about Mother’s Day for me personally, but more about the principles of not watering down or tip toeing around doctrine. In the country where I live, the vast majority of people come from divorced homes or are divorced themselves, fatherless homes, many don’t marry in the temple, 11% of our boys serve missions and so many go in and out of activity, the list goes on. This presents remarkable challenges on those who are called to teach the doctrine because chances are, anything you say about the importance ____insert xyz doctrine or standard, will often be met with offense because of the cultural tendency to be easily offended or background of the majority of the people in the audience. I have found that teaching and testifying with the spirit is present and motivated out of love while still not watering down doctrine or standards, is what the Lord would want. Love and encouragement is key:)
On Mother’s Day in my unit, a friend of mine’s topic is: “As women, we were born to lead.” I trust she will speak boldly and without apology, and I look forward to where she goes with this topic.
Additionally, I believe it was Sherri Dew (unmarried and childless) who taught that we are all mothers and were from the foundation of the Earth; motherhood is the essence of who we are. She always spoke boldly and without apology.
Julie Beck spoke boldly and without apology. I loved her. Some did not.
We are all in training and at different stages.
Yes, I believe that if a woman is resentful and angry, she would be wise to find the root cause for her unhappiness. It is not necessarily motherhood (or lack thereof). It is likely her heart and relationship (or lack thereof) with the Lord. Before I get shot over this, please know that I am a facilitator with the church’s Addiction Recovery Program, and have been involved with the program for years (I’ve even gone through the program–imagine that). “Really?” I once sneered, “Drawing nearer to the Savior is going to solve my problems? You’ve gotta be kidding me!! I’ve got real problems!” Little did I know. Now, please understand, you don’t have to smoke, drink, abuse drugs or people, or have a porn problem to have an addiction or need the help the program offers. “…We started to to understand our tendencies toward negative thoughts and emotions (self-will, fear, pride, self-pity, jealousy, self-righteousness, anger, resentment, unbridled passions and desires, and so on). These thoughts and emotions were truly the exact nature of our wrongs (Step 5 Addiction Recovery Program manual, pg. 29, para. 6)
This manual is for everyone; it’s for anyone who wants to stop the pain; it’s for anyone who wants to draw nearer to the Savior; it’s not just for addicts. You can find it for $3 at the church’s online store or find it as a pdf online. You can get them free at a meeting.
I agree that people will choose to be angry about truths taught from the pulpit. Everyone’s heart is at a different place.
I have been enjoying your blog for a while now – both the spiritual posts and the funny ones. Great job!
As to this topic, I would like to add that I, too, have frequently felt frustrated by the talks in church on Mother’s Day. I have counted how many times each Mother’s Day I hear the story of the Stripling Warriors referenced (as if that were the only scripture story that anyone knows about mothers) and wished that the talks would contain many more stories about great women in the Bible and how they felt about motherhood. And I have also wondered why we have this whole sacrament meeting on motherhood every year when it never really seemed much like a gospel topic to me.
However, recently I have noticed a disturbing trend in society concerning parenthood in general. I was watching the show, The View, and the women were talking about how they didn’t think that people should be expected to have children. One quote was, “I know a women who – she LOVES dogs – but she just doesn’t want to have children,” and this concept was very well received. As if dogs were an appropriate substitute for children. And I read an article yesterday that CNN criticized Mitt Romney for his speech at Southern Virginia University where he talked about the importance of marriage and family and quoted the Bible scripture saying, “Happy is the man who hath his quiver full of them.” CNN called Romney a religious fanatic for this and said that no normal thinking people want to have children.
I have been feeling amazed and chagrined that there seems to be this trend in society where having children is frowned upon. Because of this I realize that perhaps motherhood is a gospel topic that needs to be taught. If the world is going to teach that it is right not to have children, then we need to specifically teach that God does want us to “multiply and replenish.” And, of course, He wants us to value our children and our family and put significant effort into doing the best we can at our job of motherhood. And He wants those who may have been denied the blessing of motherhood to still desire it nonetheless.
Anyway, just trying to say that this is the first mother’s day when I actually realize that motherhood is a gospel topic that apparently needs to be taught. Thanks for your insights!
I’ve been that teacher, teaching a RS lesson on Celestial marriage. I watched a single sister in the class get up and walk out, crying. I went to her home later with a plate of rolls and just said hi and how are you, but was mostly rejected. It’s so hard to preach these truths when you know there are those who will feel hurt. I cried and cried after that lesson.
I don’t believe in novels for comments. I like going to church on Mothers day. I’m not a mother but I like letting my mother know I appreciate her. I like it especially when they give the mothers candy and she gives hers to me.
THANK YOU!!! I am speaking in sacrament mtg. on Mother’s Day, as a mother of five, with only one other family in our ward who has more children. I have been fretting about how to approach this talk, and how much of Sister Dew’s “Are We Not all Mothers” talk to quote before I lay into the rest of my assignment which is the sacred nature of the calling of motherhood, and bringing children into the world. We live in the rural Midwest with quite a few women in our ward who are single thirtysomethings, as well as several couples with fertility issues.
I guess I need to stop fearing offense, and plead for the ability to say what the Lord would have me say, and be open to any pre-talk preparations necessary.
Like asking for help with my children during my talk, since my husband will be sitting on the stand….
And start praying now, that some of that individual ministration of comfort will be provided through the Spirit….
Loved, loved, loved this. When I was serving as YW pres, I had a very small, but very diverse group of girls. Because of how few girls we had, the presidency was usually me and one counselor, and all the girls were together the whole time–no age group separation. There were times when it was really challenging to teach my Beehives principles and behaviors while also ministering to some of my Laurels who were having significant challenges with those same principles or behaviors. I found (after trial and error) that pre-lesson/talk/activity ministry with the girls was often a sanity and spirituality saver for all of us. If I remember to counsel with the girls’ mothers or fathers, as well, where appropriate, the “tough stuff” often became our most meaningful spirituality building and bonding experiences.
great post, mmm! well said. pinned this as well.
I think back to Elder Bednar’s talk about how we choose to be offended.
I am an active LDS in my mid 40’s and never married. I have no children of my own. Since I do not fit the “traditional” LDS mold (married, with children), I potentially could choose to be offended a lot of the time.
However, when I am sitting in a lesson or talk on marriage or family, I choose to focus on the doctrine that is being taught. The speaker is talking about an ideal – the best that Heavenly Father wants for us. I desire that ideal in my life and so I choose to find the hope in the doctrine.
People have good intentions. I have never never met anyone who prepared a talk or lesson with the intent to offend someone. We are all imperfect people who try our best. The gospel of Jesus Christ is perfect; but our lives can sometimes be “messy” because they don’t always fit the ideal for various reasons. But we can still take joy in the ideal and what Heavenly Father desires for us – whether we enjoy those blessings now or are still striving for them.
I do have friends who struggle on Mother’s Day. Thankfully, it has rarely been a struggle for me. Sis. Julie Beck once said something along the lines that those who do not have children of their own in this life can still have a “mother’s heart” and will be blessed for those desires. On Mother’s Day, I choose to celebrate having a mother’s heart.
Anyways, that’s my two cents. Thanks for your posts. I greatly enjoy them!
“People have good intentions. I have never never met anyone who prepared a talk or lesson with the intent to offend someone. “
YES!
Beautifully said!
Thank you, you are absolutely right. Through years of infertility and wanting so BADLY to become a mother, I struggled with Mother’s Day. I found it easier to attend with MY mother and honor her for all that she does. Now that I have children I love Mother’s Day, but I’ve noticed that our church leaders “tone it down.” One thing they DID do was to bring a flower to the home of every adult lady, before church. It was really hard to have to stand and wait for a deacon to hand me a potted geranium when I wasn’t a mother.
But, through all of my struggles, I never wanted the speakers to tone it down because of my private struggles. The atonement of Christ will help us through all things.
It’s the flower being forced into my hand with the claim “you’re like a mother” that kills me, so i do not attend on Mother’s day. I think the talks are great and the messages are great, but the pity is not.
I took a broader message out of today’s post and applied it personally today. I read on FB that a former neighbor (and lifelong Catholic) was going to attend my ward. I began to worry about what was going to be said over the pulpit (being that this is fast Sunday) and that it might offend her. But I remembered this post of yours and was determined not to shy away from her after the meeting. In fact, I was emboldened enough to get up and bear my testimony (which I rarely do out of fear that I will come off incoherent and crazy and offensive to some one out there). And I went up to her afterwards and we had a good chat. It wasn’t a chat about the meeting or our church doctrine, but it was about what had been happening in her life since she moved. It wasn’t a happy story, but I was glad to be a shoulder for her to cry on.
I’m learning (slowly) not to be ashamed of what I believe to be truth, AND how to minister personally.
I love this post! It’s very hard to teach truth and know that some may hate every word that comes out of your mouth. I remember I got asked to sub in Relief Society on Sunday, a calling I fear most, but accepted. Then I was told the lesson was on The Proclamation… I knew of a few women specifically who I knew might be offended because they HAVE to work. But I prayed, fasted and planned the lesson. Despite prefacing my lesson with the same basic tone as this post, I later walked past these women after church and overheard them talking about how offended they were. I wish I had gone to them before. It’s hard to teach truth when you know someone very well may hate every word coming out of your mouth. But we should never be ashamed of the Gospel, especially within the walls of our own church. Great post! I’m pinning it for the quotes in case I ever have to teach a lesson that might offend. If I ever feel offended at church, I take a step back and ask why. Was truth really being taught or was it someone’s opinion? If it was a Gospel truth, then obviously I am offended because I am lacking in that area and need to step it up! Truth can’t be wrong ever, right? I am a human being, I sure can be, though.
Such a great post. I’ve found myself in the same position several times. One that stands out was when I recently had to teach a lesson on the importance of priesthood in the home to my young women. The entire lesson focused on the importance of honoring our fathers as priesthood holders. I was painfully aware of one of my young women whose father was not active in the church and did not honor his priesthood. It was a difficult lesson to teach knowing that parts of it were causing her pain. I remember pointing out that even if our current situations are not exactly what we would like, we can still strive to honor our fathers and have hope that our future situations would be more ideal. Hopefully I didn’t completely botch it, but my sweet laurel kept coming and didn’t seem put out. Sometimes it can be so difficult to know what to say. Thanks so much for sharing your perspective. I think administering ahead of time is a great goal. Now to remember it… 😉
As I was reading this, one of the thoughts that came to my mind was comparing chapters 2-3 of Jacob with chapters 39-42 of Alma and looking at both the similarities and differences of ministering to a congregation (Jacob) vs. an individual (Alma). I think these illustrate your points almost perfectly (I said almost because I’m not sure if Jacob warned/counseled anyone ahead of time regarding what he was going to preach about).
Tom
Tom: YES!
Great post. I’ve been in church moments when the teaching topic was uncomfortable to some. I love the idea of teaching truth to the group and ministering to the individual. I would never consider shying away from teaching the truths of the Word of Wisdom because someone in the congregation has a tobacco problem. Truth is truth. But, showing individual love and support is also part of the truth of the gospel.
Great food for thought today.
We take hard the things we do not want to hear. That does not change the truthfulness of those things we hear. If we approach any church meeting with the right attitude and spirit we will take from it what we should and we can walk away with the desire and motivation to be better. In preparing for talks and lessons I feel we shouldn’t think so much about offending but just prepare using the spirit as a guide. If we are doing that we cannot go wrong. Some may still go away irritated or angry or offended but that is their choice and not the fault of the presenter.
AWESOME. I haven’t said it for a while. You are AWESOME. I did an essay for the Proclammation on the Family that I called Altered Shirts and Stable Patterns, coming at this lovely truth from a different angle, but you hit it so squarely and in such real terms. You are awesome.
If we really understood the need to speak with courage to principles and minister with love to exceptions, we would be ZION. It’s that simple.
I got the point of your post, MMM. I think you are wise. I remember it being said in another (or the same one you referenced?) Gen Leadership video by Elder Holland, etc. that they cannot apologize for teaching the ideal. While they recognized that a lot of people would not be living the “ideal” at that time, they could not stop preaching it, nor stop encouraging it. It would be hypocritical of them, because the ideal was not coming from them –it was coming straight from Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father.
[As for women who hate Mother’s Day: I get it. I understand why you do. But I think instead of finding a reason to hate Mother’s Day, focus on what it is about: Motherhood. If you have a mother, thank her. If you hate your mother, thank her for giving you life. If your mother has passed on, honor her memory. If you have children, be grateful. If you hate your mother and hate your children or can’t have children and hate everything about Mother’s Day: Think about Heavenly Mother and Eve. Because every single one of us came from a Mother, and there’s nothing wrong with focusing on gratitude for what Motherhood represents. ]
I want to go look up that Elder Holland leadership video! Brilliant…:)
AuntSue
Thank you, Cheryl
The spirit ministers to the individual. Thats his job. Not us. He knows far better what that person needs to hear that we do. We can’t do it all- that’s why we have the Lord. Its his work. He just do out best- he does the rest.
I get what you are saying, the scriptures and the modern prophets would disagree. We all have a responsibility to minister to each other. Our ministering could be the very vehicle which introduces the Spirit to someone in need.
Yes you are right, but so am I.
True disciples of Jesus Christ have always been concerned for the one. — Joseph P. Worthlin April 2008
Shantel: The Savior uses to minister to the one. That’s been taught numerous times. MMM is spot on with this.
I heard a talk once, no idea where, that basically said sometimes the Spirit ministers directly to an individual and sometimes the Lord sends someone else to do it.
I am talking about as we are teaching. I teach ALOT and as I teach the apirit ministers individually. The spirit tailors every talk and every lesson and every blog post to us individually. Two people can hear the same quote and get two entire different things. He ministers to the one. It is an amazing quality about the Savior- that parable is about the Savior, and how he teaches. That is how I understand it.
The Holy Ghost does, indeed minister to people. But we must also, because the Holy Ghost doesn’t ever seem to grab a shovel when there are driveways to be cleared, or ditches to be dug. We are God’s hands.
Sigh. Getting the feeling that most everyone missed the entire point of the post.
I didn’t miss the point. I was,however, confused about something…3 to tango?
You, the person you’re addressing, and the spirit.
The difference with some of those tormented women on Mother’s Day is that some of those women have no choice in their situation. They have done all that they can and still do not receive the blessing of motherhood.
Many of us who are mothers hear on Mother’s Day about how wonderful and perfect other mothers are, while we are trying really, really hard to be good mothers, but fall short daily. We sometimes yell, we don’t grow our own wheat to make our own bread, or flax to spin to linen to make all our family’s clothes. All the while patiently teaching life skills, engaging in creative play, giving constant examples of service, including 110% Visiting Teaching, keeping a spotless house where not only your own children but all the neighbors’ children feel loved and welcome, and always having time for the one – no matter how many children we have. Sometimes,not only is the floor not polished, we cannot even find it. We have been known to use paper plates. We sometimes collapse crying in the bathroom because we cannot do all that we want to and should do as mothers.
There are correct principles and goals to teach and noble women to honor. But do not, in the name of honoring mothers, beat them over the head with all the things they should be doing but cannot manage.
AuntSue
Thank you. My mother-in-law HATED Mother’s Day. It made her feel so depressed, as she compared her imperfect self to those paragons of mothers described in the talks. But she was a good mother, who loved all her children, grandchildren, and son and daughter in-laws with perfect, unconditional love. With all the challenges in her life, she could not manage her household as she would have liked, but there was never any shortage of love and acceptance there. She was a wonderful mother, revered by all her children and grandchildren, who love their families and each other unconditionally. I only pray, that she see now, what a wonderful mother she was, and is.
tell me how making homemade bread makes anyone a perfect mother? how does making the family’s clothes make one a perfect mother?
mothers are to, “talk of Christ, rejoice in Christ, preach of Christ, … that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.” 2 Nephi 25:26
homemade bread and sticky floors are eternally insignificant.
But..if you are one of those women who can train up your kids, and make homemade bread, and have a house of order, more power to you!
I think many women don’t like mother’s day because they don’t feel they did a good job as a mother. Or maybe they have had troubles with their family, and feel the pain. Today I heard a lesson about the Priesthood, and how to support them. I heard over and over the teacher say, “The Priesthood brethren aren’t perfect, but the Lord works with them, and they serve us well.” It occurred to me that often in the church we excuse men for not being perfect priesthood holders, but sometimes forget to forgive women for not being perfect mothers. We were both born with traits that help us to perform our duties, but we still stumble along at times. Women who feel awkward about mother’s day should give themselves the same benefit of the doubt that they give the men, and forgive themselves for their imperfect moments.
Beautifully said.
Beautiful post. I have often wondered how to handle that. But, thankfully, my current calling ministers to two yr olds and they oft times totally ignore what I am saying in favor of a wrestling smackdown, or a toy to my face. But it is good reference for the future.
I love this! Mother’s Day was always difficult for me growing up because of our family situation. It was especially difficult for my best friend who lost her mother to cancer when she was 11 around the same time, and the anniversary lands on Mother’s Day occasionally. Everyone has a reason to be uncomfortable, but those of us who struggle must press forward with faith and hope that the Comforter will supply our need. I love the idea of administering in advance. Thank you!