In Praise of Churchy Friends

I went to lunch on Friday with an old friend. It had been a while, and we had some catching up to do. The second we sat down we launched into conversation and didn’t let up for over 90 minutes. You know how it is with some friends – the new conversation picks up at full throttle no matter how long it has been since the last one. Over the course of twenty-plus years, we have done this a lot.

A few weeks ago, I ate lunch with a friend, this time sitting in a car in a restaurant parking lot. Again, it was longer than 90 minutes. This friend was a little different than the first: We have known each other for about ten years, but only through social media. It was our first time meeting each other in real life.

The thing that both of these friends have in common, other than their ability to keep me engaged for hours (no mean feat, that) is that the two conversations dwelt heavily on church topics. Not exclusively, but I would guess that 3/4 of the time was spent talking religion, callings, family concerns, etc. Sure, there was a smattering of talk about travel, movies, hobbies, etc., but most of the time, we discussed things that actually matter.

There are other friends that I can talk to all day about movies, travel, sports, current events, and such, but with certain friends, the conversation always gravitates toward more important things. I’ve been thinking about this since Friday. I decided to call those friends my “Churchy” friends.

You’ll note that I didn’t say “Church” friends, because to me, they are different. I have noticed that in the church community, “friendship” can often be fleeting. Part of it is geography, part of it is about interaction. I have made hundreds of friends in the various wards I have lived in. I have made great friends with people I serve with. What often occurs, which is sad, is that if one of us gets released from a specific calling or moves out of the ward, that friendship is suddenly put on ice.

I know it’s not just me. I’m sure many of you have made good friends with someone, and then the ward boundaries realign, and the friend might as well have moved to Mongolia to live in a yurt. Or, you make friends serving with someone in a presidency or other calling, but when one of you gets released, the friendship ebbs and someone else steps in. It is the nature of our church culture that many friendships are temporary and conditioned on church interaction. That makes me sad, and also, disappointed in myself.

One of the true tests to see if a friend is a Church friend or a Churchy friend is to see how the friendship survives a move or a change of calling or boundaries. The first friend I mentioned had the audacity to move out of our ward. How dare he! Thankfully, the friendship is intact and strong years later.

I love my Churchy friends. I love having people in my life whom I can talk to about important things: ideas and doctrines, challenges and callings, relationships, and things we’ve learned. I have a Churchy buddy in Tennesee – whom I’ve never met – who regularly chats with me about doctrinal insights. It’s great because he is super gospel-literate and always has great thoughts.

None of my Churchy friends are exclusively churchy, but they are friends I know I can count on to enlighten and uplift.

This would be a good time to point out one of the key lessons from Alma the Younger and the Sons of Helaman: Close friends can do great things together, but they can also do great damage. We’ve gotta be careful that the friends we use as sounding boards on important issues are trying to uplift and inspire, not tear down or lead astray. If our friendships always devolve into gripe sessions, they benefit no one, and can be dangerous to our spiritual health.

I heartily recommend having some Churchy friends in your life. The kind that you learn from, the kind that outlast the latest calling or boundary change. Friends like that are good for the soul.

When I look at my friendships, I know which ones benefit me, and have some real depth, and which ones usually skim the surface. If Netflix and fantasy football dominate the conversation, the friendship can be fun, but not very meaningful.

Elder Quentin L. Cook said, “We appreciate a good sense of humor and treasure unstructured time with friends and family. But we need to recognize that there is a seriousness of purpose that must undergird our approach to life and all our choices.” (link)

The mark of a truly great friendship is a willingness to call each other out when needed. “If we do not invite others to change, or if we do not demand repentance of ourselves, we fail in a fundamental duty we owe to one another and ourselves. A permissive parent, an indulgent friend, a fearful church leader are in reality more concerned about themselves than the welfare and happiness of those they could help.” Elder D. Todd Christofferson. (link)

That is a great Churchy friend.

I love my Church friends, and I need to make a greater effort to make more Churchy friends – for both myself and for them. It’s a rough world out there, and if we can help each other rise to the occasion, rather than sink into the muck, how great will be our joy in the hereafter.

Note: I find it interesting how Christ uses the word friend when discussing important concepts:

John 15: 13-15: Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you. Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.