We’ve all seen them, huddled in the front of the chapel, talking in hushed tones. Most of them are older, boring, stodgy folks. We know what they are doing. They don’t point, but you can tell by their condescending looks: They are talking about us. Our tattoos, our long hair and beards, our infrequent attendance, our *gasp* colored shirts, our non-traditional beliefs, maybe even our unruly kids. They are judging us.
Then it happens: Out come the torches and the pitchforks. They begin to chant, “You’re not worthy! You’re not worthy!” as they drive us from the chapel. We run into the parking lot, hurt, scared – vowing never to return…
OK, so I got carried away with the last part, but the first part might feel familiar to some.
They are the Judgers. The Church is full of them. Every congregation has some. Apparently, there are so many Judgers out there that some people are calling for a revolution against them.
What can we do to rid ourselves of this menace that is destroying the Church from within?
Should we blog about how terrible they are?
Should we incessantly (and incorrectly) remind everyone that judging others is a sin?
Should we tell the world about how they drive people away from the Church and shatter lives?
Should we all unite against them and call out these judgmental people for calling us out?
Should be blame them for our choices?
Is it time to institute the Scarlet J?
Should we gather torches and pitchforks and drive them out of the Church?
Or…
Should we acknowledge that the Judgers have chosen to “sin differently” than we do?
Should we accept the possibility that maybe some are aware of what they are doing – and are struggling to change and even repent?
Should we welcome them into our congregations with open arms, and love?
Should we show them tolerance, and – perhaps – even forgiveness?
Should we show them the mercy that we expect them to extend to us?
or should be just talk about them and show them the door?
…and should we notice the delicious irony that the moment we declare someone to be “judgmental,” we join the very club we are condemning?
—
The reality is that there are judgmental people in and out of the Church. Always have been, always will be. But it seems that as of late, the sin of being judgmental has taken on a special, more nefarious air that demands all those who possess other sins feel justified in uniting against those who participate in it.
President Uchtdorf famously quoted a bumper sticker that read, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.” So, does that apply to Judgers?
Are Judgers immune to mercy? Does their sin not qualify for understanding, tolerance and forgiveness?
There are many who have left the church because they claim that people were too judgmental – should we see that it is the judgmental people who leave instead? Where else should they go? Is there a better place for a Judger to recognize the need to change than in the Church? Is there a better place for a repentant Judger to receive forgiveness than through the gospel and the ordinances it offers?
Feel free to replace the word “Judger” within other sin and ask the same questions.
The obvious answer is that they belong in Church, too. This presents us with a problem. How do we deal with the Judgers? First, we cut them some slack:
President Uchtdorf famously said, “When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:
Stop it!”
But he also said – in the same talk: “But when it comes to our own prejudices and grievances, we too often justify our anger as righteous and our judgment as reliable and only appropriate. Though we cannot look into another’s heart, we assume that we know a bad motive or even a bad person when we see one. We make exceptions when it comes to our own bitterness because we feel that, in our case, we have all the information we need to hold someone else in contempt.” (link)
Do we hold judgmental people in contempt? Do we even sense the irony? (Yes, I even see some irony in the very nature of this post.)
Next, we try to better better understand what it means to be “judgmental,” and learn the difference between the sin of being judgmental vs the wisdom of being judgmental.
From LDS.org: “Sometimes people feel that it is wrong to judge others in any way. While it is true that we should not condemn others or judge them unrighteously, we will need to make judgments of ideas, situations, and people throughout our lives. The Lord has given many commandments that we cannot keep without making judgments. For example, He has said: “Beware of false prophets. … Ye shall know them by their fruits” (Matthew 7:15-16) and “Go ye out from among the wicked” (D&C 38:42). We need to make judgments of people in many of our important decisions, such as choosing friends, voting for government leaders, and choosing a spouse.” (link)
Cold, hard truth: Judging others is part of our job here on earth. If you struggle with this idea, please read Elder Oaks masterful talk “Judge not and Judging.” Specifically, note the difference between making Final Judgments vs. Intermediate Judgments. We have a lot of judging to do in this life.
Now the purpose of this post is not to defend being unrighteously judgmental towards each other. It is to make the observation that being judgmental is, essentially, just another of the myriad sin that people struggle with. I willingly condemn the sin – not the sinner. I am not defending unrighteous judgment – I am defending unrighteous Judgers.
Too often the sins of the Judgers are used to justify sin in ourselves. The reality is that none of us have ever left the Church because someone was judgmental towards us. We leave the Church because the strength of our faith could not withstand the sinful behavior of someone else. Then, we cling to that offense and use it to justify our own behaviors, rather than forgive the offender.
Often the Judgers sinful behavior is pointed towards us. Sometimes being judged hurts because it is entirely unjustified. Other times it hurts because it is entirely true, and they are simply holding up a mirror that reflects what we don’t want to see.
We preach tolerance of other’s weaknesses, but do not tolerate weakness in those we deem to be critical of our specific weaknesses. It is not their job* to be critical of my weakness, but, it is not my job to be critical of theirs.
-Coincidentally, just this morning we read about how the people of King Noah were totally freaked out that the prophet Abinadi had the audacity to be so judgmental as to call them out for their sinful behavior. He ended up being burned alive. (Mosiah 12-13)
It is part of our theology to love judgmental people. Christ taught this in a very well known, applicable verse:
“But behold I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you;” (3 Nephi 12:44)
Too often the cries of “You are so judgmental,” are used to quiet the voices that we disagree with – voices that disagree with us. It has become “weaponized” in a way that only fosters division and enlarges the very club that is being condemned.
“That is our doctrine—a doctrine of inclusion. That is what we believe. That is what we have been taught. Of all people on this earth, we should be the most loving, the kindest, and the most tolerant because of that doctrine.” (Elder M. Russell Ballard)
The Judgers need to put a sock in it, but…
Those same Judgers need love, too.
* Some stewardships, such as Bishop, come with the express responsibility to be judgmental. A prophet would not be as valuable if he weren’t entitled to give us his honest assessment of where we are, and what we need to work on.
Next post: Conference notes. I look forward to hearing our leaders next weekend. Hopefully, they will be judgmental and give us counsel on our shortcomings.
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Love the post! Stephen Robinson said” The heart & soul of the gospel is love. All the rest is commentary.” Love them all. ?
Hi, MMM. I’m a long-time reader, first-time commenter. I have always appreciated your perspective on things. I especially love this post as it’s been on my mind lately.
I’ve seen so much on social media lately that criticize those that judge (especially at church) and I wondered (very much aloud to my husband), “Aren’t the judgers just as in need of forgiveness and love as any other sinner? Aren’t we all sinners? Isn’t it wrong to condemn any man? Why do they keep thinking people are sitting in church wondering how dare that person come to church? People aren’t thinking about that! People are thinking things like, Is my lesson going to go well, Do I looked fat in this dress, I’d go talk to that new person if I didn’t feel so shy, Oh man I should really do my visiting teaching, Am I worthy to take the sacrament today, I wonder who is judging me, Wow it’s really cool that that person comes to church because I know it’s hard for them – these are the things people are thinking. Or they are just trying to stay awake! Most of the times in the past when I’ve thought people were judging me I’ve found later that it was all in my head. Plus, it always seems funny to me that some cannot see the hypocrisy in judging the judgers.” I went on like this for a while – my husband was quite patient.
I was pretty riled up and I do not get riled very easily . . . . . . Haha! It occurs to me only just now as I’m writing that I was judging those that were judging the judgers. Dang it. I guess we are all guilty of making unrighteous judgements at times, and since we want to be forgiven, we should be all the happier to forgive others. Anyway, thanks for your awesome article. It makes the points I wanted to make, but in a clearer and more loving way, so I was excited to share it with others.
And now I have to go repent for judging and forgive the judgers of judgers.
I believe in the “revolution”, but I call it the Atonement. Thanks for writing what I was thinking about that “other” article. 🙂
Another Top 10 post, MMM. I didn’t read the other article, but I know we *all* struggle with judgment and sin. I wonder what your thoughts are about parents judging the behaviors/actions of their [teenage] children with similar intent to your post script about Bishops and Prophets.
Absolutely – anytime there is a stewardship, there is a degree of judging required. (How could an EQ President help strengthen his Elder’s weaknesses if he didn’t pass some form of intermediate judgment.) Parenting is a non-stop judging process, what their friends are like, how they spend their time & money, what skills and character traits they need to work on, where their hearts are, etc. How the kids receive it is an entirely different matter!
Thank you so much for your post! There are also so many wonderful comments here! We know we are an imperfect group of people, just like any other group, but I believe like many others- When I go to church I have my own sins I am thinking about, and trying to repent of. I simply don’t have time to look around and make assumptions about what other people may or may not (do we really know?!) be repenting for. I think often when we feel judged it is our conscience being pricked because we know that we have things that need to be changed. If we are humble, we are moved to repent. If we are fighting it, we decide we are being judged.
That’s not to say there aren’t those who judge- again, we are a group of imperfect people. But that’s why we go to church- to repent, feel the Spirit, and help strengthen and be strengthened.
Just a couple of thoughts here.
The most famous scripture about being judgemental always gets cut off after the first part of the thought which is why we should continue reading. Although Jesus tells us not to judge he puts a qualifier on that in verse two.
It says:
For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
So if you choose to judge be prepared to be judged by the son of man using your own yardstick. Christ judged others by a very compassionate yardstick. Rather than condemning the woman taken in sin he showed compassion toward her and forgave her sins and advised her to sin no more.
That leads to my second thought
If we are judged by those with more experience, wisdom, or the anointed position as a “Judge in Israel” that judgement should not be coming from a place of condemnation but from love. As a parent I judge my kid’s behaviors and advise them about what behaviors they need to change. I do this because I love them and want them to be the best person that they can be.
However, for truly righteous judgement to flourish the seed of knowledge and wisdom contained in it must fall on fertile ground. Sometimes with my kids it does, but sometimes the influence of others prevents the ground from being ready to accept the seed. This often results in my children getting hurt by the choices that they make. Just as a plow rips through the earth and the weeds so too do the hard lessons of unwise choices rip through us and those external forces that we allow to rule over us. After they have these experiences the soil is fertile and that seed of wisdom can be planted.
If we condemn people before the ground is ready to plant we miss the opportunities to plant once they have been prepared by life experiences. If we wisely and righteously judge not only the actions of the person but the readiness of the field for planting then we will know when to share our wisdom. Also, we need to evaluate ourselves to be sure that our field is prepared for planting.
Great comments. Adding Joseph Smith translation of this oft-misunderstood scripture: “Judge not unrighteously, that you be not judged, but judge righteous judgment.” [JST, Matt. 7:2]
I don’t mean to be judgmental, but I noticed a few grammatical errors throughout the post. ;-P Seriously a good post.
If you couldn’t find any, I’d be stunned.
Well, the Revolution is pretty much 0 for 4 on General Conference talks so far — but it would not hurt to follow the advice given by Pres. Eyring and give the spirit a moment to talk to us before we let loose steam (or give unsolicited advice, crack a joke on a sensitive topic, etc.). I know I have some work to do there.
Who are all these Judgy people in our congregations? I keep hearing about them, but unless they’ve actually come up and pronounced their (judgy) judgments, how does one even know that they’re being judged?
I say this not because I don’t think they’re out there, but because I do think a good deal of all of this tends to happen inside our own heads– “Brother Doe looked at me funny. Was he thinking that my skirt was too short? Doesn’t he know my longer skirts were all dirty? That I’m doing my best just by being here? And this skirt goes to my knees! It’s FINE. HOW DARE HE JUDGE ME.” When really, poor Brother Doe was just lost in his thoughts and happened to look over in your direction. I feel like this is probably happening more than someone actually berating another member for their sins. At least, I know I’m guilty of occasionally reading more into a “look” from someone and occasionally having made-up arguments with them in my head that didn’t actually happen, but somehow make me just as angry as if they had.
I know, it’s a problem. I’m working on it.
All this to say, Yes. I agree with what you’re saying here. Keep ’em coming!
Not long ago I visited a ward that had recently held a funeral. Due to the circumstances of the death, the family wanted a private funeral. Many members of the ward were offended that they were not invited to celebrate the death of the person that, apparently, they had neglected. and they showed up at the graveside service to discuss the tragedy.
Because of the story, I was glad, but still surprised, that the Stake President visited that day and during his remarks, stopped just short of inviting a good portion of the congregation to not darken the doors of that ward ever again.
this one was a clear case of self righteous judgement, I think I saw a foundation for a Rameumptum in the parking lot.
About the Rameumptum moment – are you referring to the Stake President, or the congregation?
An interesting take. I read the other article and honestly found it overly optimistic, although I acknowledge there are great (great!) cultural differences between Utah wards and wards in the ‘mission field’.
For me my concern about judgmentalism is how often it becomes tangled up with unrighteous dominion. If someone I perceive to be my equal in the church offends me I say meh, as in the world. If someone in authority judges me in a hurtful way and acts on that assumption (as in the case of an earlier commenter who posted about bishops), it inflicts a lot more damage. I am also, because of our reverence for authority, more inclined to believe the unrighteous judgment and take it to heart. The combination of unrighteous judgment and authority creates fertile ground for abuse.
So while I think you’re generally correct in categorizing judgment with other sins that deserve compassion, the soul harming effects it can have in a hierarchical church should be taken into account as well. People are required by the lord to forgive everyone, but we as personal individuals are not meant to demand or set a timeline for the forgiveness of those who have been harmed.
For every person posting here who experiences church as a safe place whose culture they would like unchanged, many of us have experienced it very differently.
I am not about to question the judgment of a bishop who *is* actually a judge, but I will comment that should harming effects can come from lots of people in our lives. Sin never takes place in a vacuum. Those in our orbits have the potential to hurt us – our decision it what do we do with it. You are right, there is no timeline on forgiveness. We can choose to forgive as slowly as we would like, or as quickly.
Do we not covenant “to not speak evil of the Lord’s annointed?” Each of us is anointed! ( See Jeremiah 1:5)
I have a different tilt on this. My son has struggled most of his life with choosing the right path. He hadrollercoastered in and out of activity for most of his youth.
At one point he was doing everything he could do to be obedient and stay on the Savior’s footsteps. He only listened to church music. He did splits with the missionaries. He read his scriptures, said prayers and studied gospel principles. It was like he was trying the Anti-Nephi-Lehies method of forsaking all his past behaviors. His subjects of conversations was gospel oriented. He was learning so much and excited by it.
Then a man at church…In the elder quorum presidency…Told him he needed to not be so “churchie”. Unfortunately, he did not have the self confidence to say it was what he needed and continue on. He took the suggestion. And fell away again.
Ugh.
OR, maybe those we judge to be judgers are just normal people that are awkward socially (like most people), and really don’t care that you are different as much as you do. They are indifferent to your differences, but may not know the best ways to stroke your ego and make you feel loved, welcomed and including exactly to your specifications. Maybe the looks you perceive are just your projections of the fear of inadequacy and being judged by others. For the love of all that is good an holy, get over yourself and your penchant on being so different. I bet if you smile and reach out your hand and say “HI!” you might make a friend. Quit hunting the hypocrites, and worry about your own judgements, instead of judging the judgers.
Harsh, but good. Thanks!
Yes! Brother Smith, thank you for saying so well what I feel. And can we stop using the word “judge” when we really mean discern?
Thank you so much for this post! It’s an awesome, thoughtful response to that “other” post. I find myself, in my mid-50s, holding tighter and faster to the iron rod, and wishing those who condemn me for being closed-minded or not welcoming diversity would understand that the iron rod is what we HAVE to hold onto in this modern world in which we live. I cannot let go, because the spacious building’s calls can be very enticing. Let me hold onto the rod in my own way, please, and I will try my best not to “judge” unrighteously. Thanks for putting it all into words much more eloquent than my own.
I have found that some people have become so open minded, that their brains have fallen out. I have received the same condemnation for being “closed minded.” I try my best to look through the lens of eternity. Does pink hair and a turtle tattoo contribute to or take away from exaltation? not that I can see. acting on personal desires that are contradictory to the plan of salvation and the purpose of creation, maybe so.
note: I have short and thin hair and am afraid of needles.
Great post. I especially liked the lds.org link you posted with the 3 suggested scriptures:
https://www.lds.org/topics/judging-others?lang=eng&old=true
Scripture References
1 Samuel 16:7
Moroni 7:14-19
Doctrine and Covenants 11:12
I don’t agree at all. The Savior rebuked the Pharisees and Sadducees. There are only a handful of groups of people the Savior did this to. It’s not okay to judge others. It brings them undue pain. I have suffered greatly from the incorrect judgments of others including Bishops. It has made the severe depression I was going through so bad that I almost took my life. If we truly follow the two greatest commandments to love a lot would be avoided. If we started looking at the heart behind the actions and not just the actions. We would also have a much higher retention rate. I know many converts who fell away. Yes it was their agency and they chose to but the situation sadly wasn’t helped by the judgement of others.
I don’t think anyone has any idea how tough it is for someone to join the church as an adult or come back to church. A lifetime of behaviors often have to be changed. It’s tough at best and we can all be kinder, more compassionate and more like Christ. If we love our Savior first we won’t judge.
“If we started looking at the heart behind the actions and not just the actions.” Assuming this applies to Bishops, too?
Thanks! I was hoping you would take on this “revolutionary” article. Well said, and well done. 🙂
How long did your daughter date the boy with the beard?
Thank you! I’ve had these same thoughts myself and have felt condemned as a judger simply because I’m not diverse- and by people who don’t even know me! Also-didn’t we realize when we became adults that people aren’t giving as much thought (negative or otherwise) to us as we think they are? I know I did.
I’m noting the subtle difference between “judging” and “condemning”. Hmmm.
Much like the difference between accepting and condoning.
Absolutely. Sometimes we have to judge, but we should be very careful in doing so. We have no right to condemn.
I would rather submit myself to the collective judgment of the saints than to any other group or tribunal. It is human but it is the best there is.
Thank you for this article. I grew up in the church, I tend to be a rule follower and I like things nice and consistent. I find that as the church evolves and we bring in more and more converts from different lifestyles, very different from mine, it gets scary only because my constant is changing. That does not give me the right to judge, and I work very hard on trying not to. I think we are in a “learning curve” as the church continues to expand from the old traditional “Utah” church. I live in California – a very diverse and multicultural place, but all the people that make up our ward are needed and loved. I think sometimes the impression of being judged comes from the person overcoming their own guilt or self-worth at having to make changes in their lives or overcome past experiences. We have a young man who returned early from his mission who does not come to church because he feels people judge him. I have not heard one person judge him, in fact the ward had a fast for him to try to help him stay in the field. His “judgement” is his own insecurity of coming home. All we can do is keep on working at improving – thank goodness we have eternity!
Curious– I think this is yours, and a WBMW just shared it? anyway, a right good article
Very well said. I have this feeling like there’s an oncoming wave of people who want the social “benefits” of the church with none of the responsibilities. While I enjoy (most of) the church activities that bring us together, the gospel of isn’t about fulfilling our social lives. It’s about bringing us to Christ, and that requires keeping his commandments. It’s not a club where we hang out with our friends and do some fun things every once in a while, and if some commandment happens to align with a current philosophy of man we take credit for obeying it.
I wonder if this more recent focus on “judgmentalism” isn’t yet another front in the battle against the Church. Getting the Church to change doctrine or position may not work very quickly. Maybe we can take advantage of church members’ desire to recover the 1, to welcome the prodigal, etc. Don’t judge us or we’ll leave and it’ll be all your fault. It’s a kind of spiritual blackmail.
It truly is sad if a person who is genuinely trying to change their life by learning to follow the savior is made to feel judged and unworthy. It seems less sad or perhaps even inevitable that someone who is making no apparent attempt to live the principles of a group, whatever that group is, will feel that the group is “judging” them.
Well said – I was thinking the same thing. I have found that sometimes people want to change the church to make them feel more welcome and I’m not okay with that. The gospel is the gospel, and we either choose to live it or we don’t there is no middle ground. This is what bothers me right now (as noted in my post below) – the messing up of the standard – the consistency of the gospel. I realize we need to do somethings by the spirit and adjustments can be made, new things tried, but don’t go trying to change Jesus’ church.
Yes, we don’t want any sinners to feel welcome. This church is only for perfect people!
I don’t think that’s what Joelle said. Are you saying that you don’t want any judgers to feel welcome, and this Church is only for those who have perfectly overcome the sin of judging others?
Except when it comes to judging others for being judgmental, that is.
We are all sinners! Even you. OPPS! I judged you. Sorry bout that.
Especially me! At times I am spectacular at it.
I definitely hear you on the “club” part of it. for me, ward activities are something to be “endured to the end”. I am much happier setting up before, cleaning up afterward, and being at home during the activities. Make a quick appearance as the activity starts, be there just before we start cleaning up, and nobody realizes that you didn’t care to socialize. Kind of sad, but it keeps my blood pressure down and actually helps me love the ward members a little bit more by not knowing them so well.
I cannot express how much I love this post. Thank you.
STELLAR.
I have often found that the most judgmental people I have ever met are those who cry loudest about other people judging them.
And they need love, too.
Agreed. My daughter struggles with anxiety and her own lack of self-esteem and for some reason she’s super critical at other people. I think maybe it’s because she feels like she’s being judged all the time so she judges. Which doesn’t make sense, but mental health issues aren’t logical.
I love that response!
Very interesting topic. I read another blog on the same subject earlier in the week and it was very frustrating for me. I live “out in the mission field”. Our ward is not very homogeneous. We have people from all backgrounds, experiences. We have life long members, converts and people who have come back into activity after many years. We actually really like each other and I think we do love each other. I’m sure there is judging going on, I don’t think you can stop humans from doing that. But that does not consume our ward. I know there are a lot of wards and members who are trying their hardest to not be judgemental and to love one another. Out here, for most of our ward, our ward family is our family so we have to get along, otherwise we will all fail miserably.
That doesn’t apply to just “out there.” Thanks for the comment – this post is in response to that same article.
Bravo
Beautifully written. Thank you for this.
Thanks!
You’re welcome!