It has been an odd way to start a new year. Usually I am busying myself with preparing for the oncoming year by sorting papers, making plans and scheduling, taking down Christmas, and flirting with the idea of eating healthier. This year I spent New Year’s Day traveling to Utah with my EC to a funeral in Utah. There were two funerals here at home as well.
While none of them were for relatives, all three were very touching in their own way. LDS funerals are oddly wonderful. Given what we know, there is an overt sense of hope, which helps sooth the grief. So many friends and family members join that it has the feel of a large family reunion, rather than a somber dirge that is so frequent in most of the world. It is odd to say it, but I enjoyed attending all three.
All three funerals were for men active in the LDS faith. Two of the three had lived long lives, the third had waged a heroic struggle against cancer and left behind a young family. They were at peace. There were lessons of hope as the doctrine of the gospel of Jesus Christ was taught. The ideas of eternal life and families, the resurrection, and the perspective of where mortality fits into God’s plan makes death more acceptable. It was sorrowful, yet joyful. And yes, there were funeral potatoes.
– Yet I would have to be made of stone to tell you that it has not impacted me.
All three funerals were for men who left their wives behind.
(And now I sit here not knowing what to type next without it getting too personal… oh well, here goes.)
I DO NOT want to die first. I don’t want my wife to have to deal with my funeral, my stuff, my business. I don’t want her to have to be alone. That possibility breaks my heart.
Apparently, I am in the minority. I recently read of a poll where they found that 70% of men would prefer to die before their wives. 62% of the women felt the same way. It wasn’t clear if it was because the respondents were being altruistic, or scaredy-cats. Either way, I am in the minority.
The rough part is that women live an average of 5-10 years longer than their husbands, so the odds are stacked against me. I know a lot more widows than widowers. I’ve never heard of President Monson leading a ward of 90 widowed brethren.
What wise point am I looking to make? I don’t have one. But I will share something far too personal for a public blog post: From early on in my marriage, I always had a feeling that my EC would be taken from me prematurely. If anyone wants to know why I am obsessed – consumed – by being with my sweet wife, there it is. Don’t know why I have felt this way, but I always have. But (happiness) here we are, looking at our 30th anniversary this summer. I have never been so glad to be so wrong.
Because of this unwarranted worry, I have spent the last 30 years trying to be with her all the time. I never get tired of her. I want to be with her 24/7. I know that to some people, the idea of spending every moment with their spouse sounds like the Seventh Circle of Hell, but to me, it is what I covet more than riches, fame or time with the guys or hobbies. So, I try my best to make her feel loved, spoiled and treasured. I screw up, often, but I try and repent quickly and apologize quickly, so as not to waste a day of this life with her. BECAUSE MORTALITY IS FINITE. Yes, my marriage is eternal, but my time exploring this amazing earth life together is not. I want to soak it in, share it and revel in it.
The last of the three funerals was held past Friday. It was for the father of one of my best friends. He had lived a good life of love and service. He was an “Old Oak,” in a world sorely lacking in strength. It was touching and thought provoking as two of his sons spoke.
One of the sons spoke on the topic “Life Lessons my Father Taught Me.” If that doesn’t give you pause for thought…
How would you answer that about your father? Better yet, how would your children answer that about you? What would they have to say at your funeral?
So, for the last two days, I have been wondering: Have I taught my kids what they need to know? My family is in transition, weddings, grand babies, missions, etc. We are 6 weeks away from having only one of five children still at home. The rest are out there making their mark on the world. Have I prepared them?
Which reminds me of an experience I had some years ago: I was having a long conversation with a friend who told me that he did not try and talk about religion with his children. He felt it was too personal – that his kids needed to figure those things out on their own. He was afraid of them feeling influenced, or manipulated. He just felt that he should “love” them, and let them sort out religion for themselves.
I was aghast.
My response was something like this. (No, it doesn’t sound too gentle, because it was between friends.)
“Hold on a second. I know you taught those kids how to brush their teeth, how to kick a soccer ball, how to fix cars, how to do algebra, how to drive a car, and a million other things – because that’s what fathers do. But the single most important thing you can teach them in this life is the one thing you have chosen to go silent on? That makes no sense!
You say you do not want to influence them on matters of spirituality and religion, but did it occur to you that Satan has absolutely zero problem filling that void you leave? They are going to be influenced by somebody – guaranteed. It is absolutely the wrong thing to be silent about. That is not love – that is spiritual neglect.
They need to know what you believe and why. Not only by watching how you live your life. They need to hear the actual words come out of your mouth: Words of testimony, words of truth. The Spirit cannot testify to words and ideas you don’t speak.”
When my rant was over, he responded thoughtfully that he had never really thought of it that way, and he saw the need for some adjusting.
As I wonder how my kids would respond if asked, “What life lessons did you learn from your father?” I can rest assured that they all know exactly where I stand in regards to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Hopefully from both word and deed.
Sure, they have their agency and can choose to follow the path, but I am at peace knowing that they cannot possibly get to heaven and say, “My parents didn’t teach me about that!”
(They also have a thousand blog posts they can pull from, if they haven’t been listening.)
As I have thought through this idea, my mind has turned towards the Book of Mormon. Right before Lehi died, he gathered his sons and posterity together and gave them each blessings and counsel. (2 Nephi 1-4) It is really, good stuff.
Following the tradition of his father, as Nephi’s time was winding down, he also gave some of the most powerful doctrine ever recorded. (2 Nephi 31-33)
There is no life lesson more important that I can help my children understand than those same concepts that Nephi taught to his posterity: The Doctrine of Christ.
So, the next time we are out showing our sons how to throw a curve ball, or teaching our daughters how to tackle a quadratic equation, remember that there is so more to this life, and it is our role to introduce them to it. Because – odds are – they will still be around long after we are gone and they will need to know what we know.
And they might even have to speak at our funerals.
My mother in law passed away last March. She had a lot of inactive family. She decided that she didn’t want a “Mormon Funeral” so her family would feel comfortable. She planned a graveside service. We were instructed no hymns, no testimonies, etc. To say the least it was sad and disappointing. She missed her last chance to share something special with her family. Last chance she had to help them feel the spirit. Last chance to share the gospel. Her last chance to soften a heart.
My husband and I were talking about great members that we know that don’t “push” the gospel on their kids. I don’t feel is enough to just have gospel conversations and share your testimony with your kids. How are they really going to know how special and important it is to you if you let your minor child, by law that is under your care, decide for themselves, whether or not they want to go to church or participate in family scripture study,family night, etc. If my parents told me that school was great but never made me go, I wouldn’t have gone or wouldn’t have gone often enough to learn anything.
You might want to try the book “Borrowing Fire” by Ben Behunin. He wrote it after attending something like 48 funerals.
Several years ago my young adult nephew died as a result of a tragic car accident. He and his family were loved by all in the church and in the community. His funeral was filled to capacity with members and non-members, as many as the church building could hold. There was heartfelt sorrow for this young man’s family and friends, to have him pass away at such a young age, and yet the gospel message of The Great Plan of Happiness–Christ’s love, eternal life and what that means in our family relationships here in mortality, was powerfully taught from those who spoke at his funeral and reiterated in the words of hymns that were sung. The next day in my ward fast and testimony meeting, one of the men in our ward stood and began his testimony with words I have never forgotten…they summed up my feelings about my nephew’s funeral in a profound way. He said, “Yesterday I attended the most powerful and inspiring “Missionary Conference” that I have ever heard….” My heart continues to say “Amen” to that!
I loved this post.
Several of my grandchildren who live in my neighborhood come to my house each week to participate in various projects. For my birthday, each of them had given me a white rose edged with pink. As the blooms began to droop I removed them from the vase end hung them upside down to dry. Then I decided to experiment and covered five roses with resin to create ‘crystal’ roses. As the resin hardened the roses lost their color and turned beige. When three of my grandsons came next day I asked them to help me color the roses red. They are fond of Disney’s ‘Alice in Wonderland’. As they dabbed away they began to sing “We’re Painting the Roses Red’. I suddenly realized that this would feature as an anecdote at my funeral.
After a nearly ten year battle with cancer, I had the honor and privilege to speak at my own father’s funeral just three weeks ago, my title very similar to your friend’s – “Lessons from Daddy.” (He was also a fan of your blog, although more of a “lurker.”) Of all the things he taught me, his testimony in both word and deed are indeed the most precious! I will always be grateful for his way of letting me figure it out and find my own way, but always knowing exactly what both my earthly and Heavenly Father would want – to pray, exercise faith and listen to the Holy Ghost.
Very profound. Thank you for sharing your words and ideas. I needed them today.
I also attended three funerals in one week. The first was for a 4 yr. old boy who shot himself accidentally with his dad’s gun (a State Trooper who was usually scrupulously careful about his weapons). They were strong LDS and the funeral was a very spiritual experience. The second was an old Catholic man. Of course it wasn’t too sad because of his age. But without being too critical of another church, I found that service totally lacking in any feelings at all. No one needed a hankie! The third is the one that really moved me. A man was killed by a drunk driver head on. They were NOT LDS but he was originally from the Ukraine and had been persecuted and jailed for his Christian beliefs. He was a father of TWELVE children, mostly sons from teenagers to young adults. Every word of everything was repeated twice–in Russian and then English. The music was unique and spiritual. I had never before attended a THREE hour funeral! Every one of those clean cut young men got up and talked about their father, his work ethic and how he treated their mother! But they especially “bore their testimonies” of their belief in Christ. It was really, really awesome!
I am not allowed to die. I have eulogized wife, grandmother, mother, sister, stepmother, father. My remaining siblings don’t want the job. They insist that – even though I am the oldest by a decade – I stay alive until they are all safely buried. I have been instructed that at the feeling of approaching death I am to find the nearest recording media and get it all down so they don’t have to do it.
Our family funerals are times of joy. We get to roll out the good stories, reaffirm the truths of the gospel, and eat pickled tongue…well, I get to eat it, but it’s always there on the buffet table. It’s tradition.
Yes, there is sadness and grief, but the people I love have lived good lives, however short or long. We send them off with love and laughter. It’s the least we can do.
Thank you for this post! Beautiful and insightful. Your advice to your friend was spot on!! Holy smokes. What a fantastic friend you are.
I love LDS funerals…I think they can often be just as good as General Conference for inspiring me to want to live a better life and be a better person. My greatest hope is that my children DO know what I think, feel, and believe about the gospel of Jesus Christ. I try to tell them often, backed up by my favorite scripture from 3 John 1:4–“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.”
The thing I love about LDS funerals is they are so much more like a celebration rather than a funeral. I recently went to a funeral for a dear LDS friend and her two sons conducted the funeral. They are inactive members but knew the gospel and what their mom believed because they had been taught well. I know they left that day feeling a sense of peace because you could tell they enjoyed telling stories about their mom and they captured her personality and heart perfectly. I am so thankful we know what we know.
Thank you for sharing this wonderful post. My EC and I have talked about our advancing ages and neither wanting to go first leaving the other behind even for a short time. Almost 44 years for us now, but we also have my parents still together 66 years later loving & caring. We broke family tradition when we joined and raised our children here in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We are fortunate in having loving relationships despite our differences. Our core family values to love others and do as Jesus would do came long before our membership.
Wonderful post. I feel the same about so many LDS funerals…some of the best and most spiritual meetings I have attended. My sister gave a wonderful eulogy about my mother at her funeral in 2001. Here is a small segment that means so much to me:
“…one of the most important things my mother did for me, and I think, for everyone who knew her, is that in the face of deception, she did not become deceptive. In the face of betrayal, she did not betray. In the face of all kinds of hurts, she did not try to return the hurt. She didn’t stoop to commonly using foul language and telling dirty stories even though they were all around her… Mother was not a perfect person… But when I make my report to Heavenly Father, I will not be able to use the excuse that I did not know what was right… Heavenly Father can always point to the example of my Mother and say, ‘You had her to
follow. She didn’t do those things. She was strong. She did what she knew was right, even when it was excruciatingly difficult.'”
Her life was spent living the gospel every day, and we knew that she knew the Gospel was true and that Jesus Christ was her Savior…and ours.
This was a tender and touching post.Thank you for sharing your very personal thoughts and feelings. As always, you gave me a lot to think about.