Dear Santa:

Dear Santa:

Hi!  My name is Brad, but you might know me better as Middleaged Mormon Man. I know it has been a long time since I have written you a Christmas letter, and I apologize. I should’t have waited 45 years. Not to blame you, or dredge up old shortcomings, but if you had come through with the bike when I was nine, there probably wouldn’t have been this long of a gap between letters.

First, I need to make my declaration: I have been a good boy this year. Good. I keep aiming for Better and Best, but I sometimes fall short. If you are grading on the scale of “Naughty or Nice,” then I believe I fall on the “Nice” side most of the time. Sure, I can be snarky at times, but I do believe that I should receive at least partial credit for not saying or doing upwards of 97% of the naughty things that come to my mind. My effective rate of Naughty:Nice is still within the range of traditional Santa acceptance.

That said, I do have a few items on my Christmas list this year. I know it is late, and you probably already had my EC get me some stuff from Amazon, but I am almost impossible to shop for, and figured you might need some suggestions.

1. A Super-Snooze Alarm Clock.  This is not an ordinary alarm clock. It has a snooze button that functions differently. Instead of resetting the alarm forward by 8 minutes, this snooze button would actually function as a time machine and transport me 8 minutes back in time. Seems like a no-brainer, right? That way, I could hit the snooze button as often as I like, and still get up on time. It would also be helpful in preserving my “Nice” status for next year: If I were to say or do something “naughty” or “not-nice” I could run back into my room and hit the snooze button, then go back out and act like nothing happened. I feel that everyone around me would benefit from this gift,
2. An Anti-dumb Filter for my Computer.  This one is pretty straight-forward. I would like a web browser that filters out dumb stuff. I realize that such a filter would essentially filter out 82% of all Facebook posts, and most political commentary, but I have given it some thought, and I’m OK with that. Please make sure it has the ability to block game invitations, and quizzes to see which Facebook friend is most like my dog.  Which leads me to…
3. An Anti-Smell Collar for Our Dog. He is a nice dog, and very cuddly, but he smells a lot of the time. Don’t know why, and it isn’t in a “pull my finger” kind of way. He just gets kind of smelly pretty quickly after a bath. It would be really nice to have a collar that has some sort of technology that would inhibit the spread of his smell, or at least make it so we can’t smell it. You know how those noise-cancelliing headphones work? Yeah – something like that – a smell-cancelling collar.
4. This next one might be a little outside of your bailiwick, but I’ll give it a shot anyway.  Do you have any the of Magic Pixie Dust that you could sprinkle across the land that could cause that the apostate Mormon groups pipe down – just for the rest of the month? Please? I get so fatigued reading the headlines about what a very vocal, and very tiny minority of mostly ex-church members have to grouse about this week.
5. I’m sure I’m pushing it with this next request, and I’m not big on Vengeance, but you know those teenage boys who vandalized our Christmas decorations last week? I think we are a little beyond the whole “lump of coal” motif. I was thinking more along the lines of horses and The Godfather. Just a thought.
6. Also, since I am aiming high, any chance on an Amendment to the US Constitution that would restrict Presidential campaigns to the year the election is actually held in? For me, it would make the Holidays a little brighter. (Also, the whole Anti-dumb Filter technology might be a good fit here as well.)
7. While we are on the subject of lumps of coal, I have one word for you: Bronco. I don’t begrudge him his mega-bucks new gig, but did he have to take most of the coaching staff with him?
8. I would like a “Cellphone Destruction Device” that I could install in my car. The idea is that when I pull up behind someone in the left turn lane, and they miss the entire left arrow because they are playing on their phone, I could push a button which would cause their cellphone to burst into flames. (Maybe on a delay timer so I can get through the intersection before it goes off.)
9. Last, but not least I would ask you to look into your bag of goodies and find me a compliant healthcare plan that does not set me back $20K a year for premiums and deductible.

That’s it. Just those 9 things. I’m not trying to be greedy – even if I just got the measly alarm clock I would be very happy.

As I read over my list, it becomes rather apparent why adults don’t write letters to Santa very often. Come to think of it, instead of all that stuff, just leave a couple of boxes of Milk Duds in my stocking, and we’ll call it good. (Especially if you can figure out a way to keep them from getting too hard.)

Merry Christmas to you. Good luck with meeting your deadlines, and I hope you don’t get caught up in any of the immigration turmoil.

My Best,

MMM