General Conference is almost here! For the first time, I am making predictions as to what will be taught by the Brethren.
But before I do, I want to re-emphasize the importance of what they will be teaching and counseling us to do.
• President Harold B. Lee urged members to let the conference talks “be the guide to their walk and talk during the next six months.” He explained, “These are the important matters the Lord sees fit to reveal to this people in this day.”(Link)
Basically, he is saying that the teachings we hear in Conference are the things we should be focusing on. One way you can gauge when something is important to God is that you hear it over and over again in Conference. Since they are “The most important matters the Lord sees fit to reveal,” then it seems glaringly obvious from following social media that the brethren will address the following issues:
1) We should all buy guns, stock up on ammo and be prepared to defend ourselves. Fighting back will be a new mantra for the Church.
2) We should all give up meat entirely, and become vegetarians, because that’s the only way the Word of Wisdom can be accurately interpreted.
3) If we really love our kids, we should homeschool them.
4) It will be announced that D&C 89 has been re-written to specifically exclude wheat, because that gluten stuff is nasty, and we shouldn’t be eating it.
5) We should avoid teaching young women about God’s views on modesty, because it might hurt their self-esteem, and people will accuse us of “slut-shaming.”
6) We will be instructed that the prophets don’t always speak by the Spirit – it is kind of hit-and-miss, and you have to decide for yourself.
BONUS PREDICTION: We will be told that Disneyland is great place to spend the Sabbath. After all, it is ‘The Happiest Place on Earth,” and who wouldn’t want that for their family?
Next week I plan on revisiting these seven predictions, with the newest quotes supporting them. It will be very satisfying to see these things reaffirmed, and then printed in the Ensign, because, you know, they must be super important. Right?
NOTE FOR SOME READERS: It is inevitable that when I write anything remotely satirical, a few people just don’t get the joke.
For the record: I do not believe that ANY of the predicted ideas will be addressed in General Conference, because, I don’t consider any of them very important, or in line with the doctrines of the Church, despite what many other people seem to believe.
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Lettuce spray and fast
Would it be okay to go to Disney World, or is it just Disneyland that is Sabbath appropriate? I don’t live close to Disneyland and I do want to do my best to follow the council of our modern prophets. 😉
Sooo glad I’m homeschooling already. At least I’ll be able to cross one thing off the list!
I predict that BYU and Utah fans will scream “blasphemy” when President Monson announces that God, indeed, is a Florida Gator fan since the sky is blue and sun is orange, and that missionaries from the Florida Gainesville mission have someone named Tebow in the teach pool….
I think we are safe in knowing that God is not a Gator’s fan. He sends His money to BYU.
But his Prophet talent pool is Ute-heavy…..
But they are the very ones that send the money and support to BYU. Money talks.
Game, set and match to the MMM as he schools the right-coast, liberal Mormon…
And here I was thinking that the most IMPORTANT matter for today was the war on man-buns at BYU-I. I’m confident Bednar will comment on that.
What a such topic to make jokes huh? I don’t see that’s appropriate.
Then you are probably reading the wrong blog…
Truth.
I think you are being to literal. He is not making fun of what was said during a conference, but what the main stream of the world thinks should be said.
Classic.
1) So sad that you have to put a disclaimer at the bottom, lol.
2) My prediction is that in order to satisfy the outside media’s requirements of a fair and true church (because that is all they are truly interested in, right?) is that we get as new apostles 1) one hispanic, 2) one asian and 3) one who speaks from somewhere else and speaks with an accent but didn’t previously have a career as an airline pilot.
Remember, pleasing the outside media and others is paramount.
Facetiously, of course.
I predict that if the Lord does call a Hispanic/Asian/African to be his next apostle the outside media will fawn over him like Gandhi until he gives his first talk about the sanctity of life or marriage.
Next week you’ll be saying “Peace Out”
BAHAHAHA! You win!! :’D
Needed the giggle today, thanks. And since I’ll be running Saturday morning can you take copious notes and text them to me? I’ll need something uplifting to read while I die at mile 21
Again with the running during Conference?
I’m sure she has an AM/FM walkman…..
What, no Relief Society Presidents and Councilors will now join the Bishopric on the stand during Sacrament Meetings? In addition, as such they will be required to conduct Sacrament meeting in rotation with the men.
Love your satire, but, number 6 IS REALLY kind of what the church has said in their published writings about the period when the PH was denied to men of color. We are told that (1) the scriptures must be interpreted through the spirit, and (2) the words of the prophets are like unto scripture. So…
I think describing it as “hit-and-miss” is a little beyond what you are referencing.
I’d be surprised to hear about eating less meat in general conference, because it’s a dense source of calories for many outside the United States who live in poverty. However, the church is becoming more and more counter culture here in the states, so perhaps living our dietary code more strictly will be another schism between the church and mainstream America in the future.
With that said, eating meat sparingly such as in times of famine pleases God, so it would be great to hear the brethren challenge the membership to please God in that way. It has been a wonderful way for me to feel that I’m bringing a smile to my Heavenly Fathers face.
“Times of famine” …. I feel famished EVERY time I smell bacon…. Or see an Outback commercial. FAMISHED I tell you! 😉
LOL!!!
this totally made me laugh and I SO wanted to share it, but then thought of all the people I know and love who would be totally offended. Not sure what it says about me (and my friends/family) that I can identify at least one person per prediction who would feel very validated if that particular prediction came true. (Hope they aren’t holding their breath tho… they’ll be turning mighty blue.)
My prediction is that, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, my pal Becca and I will be attending conference, live and in person, YIPEEEEEEEEE
Sweet!
Sat am session….I’m there!
Deb A. That is the greatest thing. To be there with all those Testimonies either just beginning or those who truly know and understand. And there with the Prophet of God and also the historic announcement of the addition of the 3 new additions to replace those 3 great men so recently gone home to be with their loved ones. MMM, be prepared to write something great.
Oh! The burden!
I think you’re up for the challenge, lol
I know, this is a definite mark off the “bucket list”….I’ve wanted this ever since I could remember…not excited or anything. Becca’s Mom (my best buddy) is going too, but she has been many times (though always just excited as the first time, she assures me 🙂 ) We are calling it our spiritually charged ladies weekend…
now i am REALLY looking forward to conference 😉 (people really don’t get that it’s a joke? huh, guess i will stop waiting for the announcement about chips will be blessed for sacrament too)
IF you Bless those Chips,Then the Water must be Salsa cause everyone knows it is sacrilegious to not have “dipige” with the chips. LOL…..Think unbelievers will think us serious? What sayest thou.
I sayest: Verily, Gettest thou a new Humorous (funny bone), Unbelievers!!! ;oP
xoDaleB.xo
Haha um we use chips for the sacrament. 😉 Usually pretzels though. With celiac gluten is evil but gf bread is hard to break through the plastic bag it is in. We don’t let the priesthood boys touch it and contaminant my sacrament. Crunchy things work better. On the other hand we realized the first tI’m we used teddy grams that we needed to find something else.
In the last 7 years the strangest thing we have used for the sacrament is a greenbean. 🙂
Gotta love posts like this!
Hahahaha! Love it. Im getting my tent ready for the trip to wherever it is we are supposed to gather. Im sure they will tell us. I better get me a grand poobah air mattress tho, cuz these bones dont sleep on the ground anymore.