Flashback: 18 is Not the New 19

Note: Last week my almost 18-year-old son got accepted to BYU. He plans on attending a semester and a half before he heads out on his mission. We couldn’t be happier for him.

Coincidentally, at the same time, a post I wrote quite some time ago started being highly trafficked and circulated – which is always a weird surprise.  Since i am visiting family this weekend, I figured it might be a good time to run it and see how it has held up. Strange to see something that I wrote for others suddenly become personally applicable.

I saw this coming – the good and the bad – and you probably did, too.

Last October (2012), President Monson announced the change in missionary age requirements, and wonderful things have happened. There are more full-time missionaries serving that ever before, and more sister missionaries than ever before. Excellent, prepared, strong young men and women are all across the globe teaching the gospel of Jesus Christ. It is awesome.

The age change for Elders to 18, and the sisters to 19 has been a tremendous blessing to many, and is, in turn, blessing the entire world.  I know young people who might have charted a different course for their lives, had this opportunity been available sooner. The change has been a godsend to many.

That is the “good” I saw coming. The bad? I mentioned it in post last year entitled “Early Elders: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril.” I expressed concern that 18 would become the new 19, and we, as a church culture, would begin to apply pressure on young men if they don’t leave right when they turn 18. (This is directed at young men missionary service, but you may apply it to the sisters as you see fit.)

I have a few young friends that I have known for years that decided to wait a little before they submit their missionary applications. Their reasons are their own. But, the questions and comments have begun:

“Have you put your papers in?”

“I thought you would be gone by now.”

“Didn’t you turn 18 last summer?”

“Why are you still here?”

Here is the easiest way I can describe how I feel about such questions: Asking a young man why he hasn’t submitted his mission papers in is the religious equivalent of asking a woman how much she weighs.

Bad form.

Sure, close family members, a Bishop, Stake President, young men leaders, and home teachers should know the answer to that question – but even they don’t walk up to him at Sacrament meeting at hit him with a “What are you still hanging around here for?”

As one of my FOMLs would say, “It’s ‘Nunya.'”  As in Nunya Business.

I understand that some of those unfortunate questions and comments come from pure hearts and good intentions, but I also know that sometimes it is flat out nosiness.

Since those questions are out there, I’ll list some of the reasons that an 18 year-old might not be rushing to leave on his mission.

1) Nobody is asking him to. When President Monson announced the change, he used the word “option” TWICE.

“I am pleased to announce that effective immediately all worthy and able young men who have graduated from high school or its equivalent, regardless of where they live, will have the option of being recommended for missionary service beginning at the age of 18, instead of age 19. I am not suggesting that all young men will—or should—serve at this earlier age. Rather, based on individual circumstances as well as upon a determination by priesthood leaders, this option is now available.” (link here)

An option is not an edict.

Elder Russell M. Nelson added: “These age adjustments are new options now available to bishops in evaluating what is best for each of their youth. Young men and young women should not begin their service before they are ready spiritually and temporally.” (link here)

2) He is just not ready spiritually. Of the young people I know that are preparing to serve missions, this one seems to be less frequent that other factors. Today’s youth are spiritually strong – remarkably so.  However, if a young man or woman is not solid in his/her testimony, they shouldn’t be out serving. A mission is not a self-help program to grow a testimony. So, if a young man doesn’t feel that he is quite “there” yet, some extra time and effort might just make the difference between serving as a testifying missionary, or killing time.

3) He is not ready physically. There could be lingering health concerns. There could be medications that need to be adjusted. There could be corrective surgeries that need to take place before he takes off to strange lands. I worked with one fabulous young man who had to lose 100lbs before he could serve. He did it, but fielding the questions from “concerned” people was a struggle for him – he was really glad to get on that plane.

4) He is not ready emotionally. A mission is tough. No way to sugarcoat it. Some young men are not emotionally prepared to cut the apron strings and strike out on their own. Especially at 18. Others may have emotional challenges that require professional treatment, or medication.  These things need to be stabilized, and understood before the rigors of the mission life kick in. Emotional and mental health issues are not things that should be taken lightly, and they can’t always be dealt with quickly.

5) He’s not worthy. There, I said it. I listed it at #5, but it leaps to people’s minds a lot sooner than that. It happens. Sometimes a young man is not worthy to serve. Yet. Often he is quietly working with his Bishop to repent. He might be fighting a terrible battle against an addiction. He might be waiting for a period of time to help him establish new patterns of behavior and obedience. This is a blessing. When it comes to worthiness, there is no rush to leave. Better to be late, and clean.(Story here.)

“Personal worthiness is the minimum spiritual standard for serving a mission.” L. Tom Perry (link here) Minimum?

and here is one you might not have considered:

6) He is trying to follow prophetic counsel. Over the past few years, there has been tremendous counsel given by the prophets to young men preparing to serve missions. It would seem that since the age change, many of our young men and their parents have completely forgotten about it.

– Get a job, learn to work and pay for part of your mission. It amazes me how many young men are leaving out of High School without having contributed at all to their mission fund. Missed opportunity.

“Prospective missionaries need to learn to work. They ought to have a job and save money for their missions. Every mission president would concur with me that the missionary who has worked and saved and helped pay for part or all of his or her mission is a better-prepared missionary. Working and saving for a mission generates enthusiasm for serving and gives a young man or a young woman a good work ethic. Whatever else missionary work is, it is work!” M. Russell Ballard. (link here)

“Let me offer a simple suggestion: get a job that involves interacting with people. As an increased motivation, set a goal to earn enough money from your part- or full-time work to pay for at least a significant part of your mission. I promise great blessings—social, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual blessings—to every young man who pays for a significant part of his mission.” L. Tom Perry (link here)

– Experience living away from home.

“Live away from home for a period of time before leaving for the mission field. Whether future missionaries go away to college or for work, living away from home helps them adjust to the necessary independence of being a missionary. This also provides opportunities for them to wash their own clothing, clean their own living areas, prepare food, and be responsible for their own safety and well-being. Even if future missionaries cannot live away from home, they can be more independent by taking on these responsibilities.” Preparing Emotionally for Missionary Service,” Ensign, 2011. (Link here)

 

When President Monson extended the option of leaving at 18, I don’t recall him suggesting that it would somehow overrule the counsel for mission prep from previous years. That counsel is still good counsel, and would make for better missionaries, at 18, 19, or 24.

Why am I going on about this? Simple. Some of the finest young men that I know decided to put in a semester of school before serving their missions. I am safe to say that one of these young men is perhaps the most prepared missionary I have ever met. He, in discussion with the Lord, his parents, and his bishop decided that some pre-mission school would be the right thing for him.

But I still hear people asking questions about why he isn’t gone yet. Seriously?

I wish more young men would let their preparation dictate when they leave, rather than the calendar. I also wish those who don’t head for the MTC right after the last bell of their senior year never had to explain themselves to curiosity seekers.

For me: Don’t judge, don’t be nosy, be a good example, and love them.

For you young men: Go when you are prepared. Get prepared. Counsel with you Bishop, your parents and the Lord. 18 is NOT the new 19. (But don’t use this for an excuse to not be where you should be, doing what you should be doing.)

All of us: Never ask a woman about her weight.

Here is the follow-up to this post: Part 2 – 18 is NOT the new 19: The Elephant in the Room.