Admit it. You have asked that same question – or at least a variation. Maybe you had one of those weeks: Monday: FHE, Tuesday: Relief Society meeting, Wednesday: Mutual, Thursday: Pack Meeting, Friday: Temple Night. And you survived!
You are relishing a Saturday night off, when you glance at the calendar, only to realize that tonight, yes, tonight is the Ward Party. Your husband sees you weeping and asks, What’s wrong?”
That’s when you show muster up your rebellion and ask, “Do I have to go to the Ward Party?”
The answer, of course, is “No.”
Or is it?
I have been stewing over this question for quite a while, and I puzzled until my puzzler was sore. I have come to the conclusion that it is not as simple as a Yes/No answer. It gets deep. Like quicksand.
Before I share my thoughts, please note that I will not use this post to talk about what a terrible job our Church culture has done in reigning in meetings and activities. Because I already talked about that here: “Simplicity: Our Generations Fail.”
I also won’t go into the Captain Obvious things like the absolute necessity of attending Sacrament Meeting and the rest of the block weekly, because Elder Perry made that crystal clear here: “As We Take the Sacrament.”
Nor will I go into the specific counsel given by prophets that youth activities should not be supplanted by sports or entertainment, because Elder Oaks nailed that down quite well here: “Good, Better, Best.”
So, Sunday meetings and Mutual are off the table for the purposes of this discussion. (And by discussion, I mean that I really would like to hear your thoughts on this one.)
Back on topic:
Do I have to go to the Ward Party?
The answer is an unequivocal…Maybe.
Sure, we all have our agency and can issue a blanket “I’m not going and you can’t make me” declaration. Nobody will argue your right to do that. But maybe that’s not “The” answer, merely “An” answer.
It doesn’t have to be a Ward Party. It could be a fireside, a service project, a temple excursion, a RS Zumba class, an EQ cookout, etc., etc.
There are three things we might want to consider before we “opt-out.”
1) What’s in it for me and my family?
Is this activity something we need, something that will benefit me and or my family? Do we need a spiritual boost? Do we need to improve our relationships with people in the ward? Is there something else that I/we need to be doing instead that is important to us?
Are we exhausted and “meeting-ed out?”
All real concerns. All legitimate reasons to feel like we are over-shceduled, over-burdened and justified in taking a break. No one would dispute that you have a right to stay home.
There are times when going to a Church activity would be the wrong choice. Family issues come up, work issues impose, we might be carrying contagious diseases, etc. That is OK.
There are real reasons to stay home, there are also lots of bogus reasons that we use justify non-involvement.
Of the three considerations, this one is the most self-focused. That brings us to the next one:
2) Am I supposed to be there?
Dos the activity have anything to do with my calling or stewardship? If the answer is “Yes,” then this one is a no-brainer. Of course you should be – it is part of your responsibility. When we accept callings, we accept the attendance that goes along with it. (Sometimes we confuse that: LIke when a Primary or YW leader stops attending Relief Society functions because of their calling in a different auxiliary.)
If it is Mutual night, and I am an Assistant Scoutmaster, that’s where I need to be. But what about those rare occasions when something really does get in the way? Pick up the phone. Seriously. I would call my line leader and explain the situation to him. 95% of the time he will graciously excuse you me the activity. But I can’t just bail with no warning. That is so irresponsible and even unkind.
Sometimes our leaders will stand up and say, “There is a fireside tonight and we expect all the youth and their parents to be there.” That’s pretty clear to me. If we don’t go, it is a double whammy: We are missing what our leaders wanted us to hear, and teaching our kids to disregard our leaders.
3) Does someone need me there?
This is the consideration that I often overlook.
It doesn’t always have to be about ME.
• Will my attendance at an activity help someone?
• Does the person in charge need my sustaining attendance, and words of encouragement? (One time I was unable to attend a youth baptism of a family I am close to. I called the family – in advance – and explained why I wouldn’t be able to attend, and apologized. They were gracious about it. It was a good thing to do, rather than just not sow up, and let them think I just bailed on them.)
• Will there be people there who do not feel connected to the ward and are desperately trying to make fit in, or find a friend? We use the term “Ward Family,” often, but some members of the family feel like the abandoned step-children. We can help.
• Are there chairs that need folded? Tables to be put away?
• Do my children need to learn that our family is not completely self-focused? Do I need to remind myself of that?
Last October, we had a Ward Fall Festival. I did NOT want to go. I was tired and uninterested. I explained to my EC that I was going to stay home. But I went anyway, begrudgingly.
As I was making the rounds, my mood started to lift – and just in time: One of our non-member neighbor families happened to be there. I ended up spending the next half-hour visiting with them about the Church, and even extended an invitation, which they accepted. I went home on cloud nine. So glad that I had attended for that sole conversation which would NOT ahve happened had I stayed home.
Many Church activities are like going to the gym: Sometimes I have to drag myself there, but I aways come out glad that I went.
Not all activities are created equal. Some will bless our lives, others not so much. No one is expected to attend every single thing offered by the Church, even though there is a fair amount of guilt when we don’t attend something.
But before we make a hasty decision to stay away, we need to get outside ourselves for a minute, and see if the potential service, support and fellowship might outweigh our desire for a quiet night at home. Yes, it is possible to attend an activity and consider it service and sacrifice. (Which are both good things.)
Do we ever even think to make it an issue of prayer?
Back to the original question: Do I have to go to the Ward Party?
The short answer: No, unless God needs you there.
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I wasn’t the best at showing up to Ward Parties when I was first married. Then we got the calling of ward party committe. Because my husband and I (along with 2 other couples) were in charge of planning ward parties, we obviously went to them each time. After that, I decided I’d always go to Ward Parties, unless something else was already planned that day that couldn’t be changed.
We even go to the Valentine’s Day dance they do every year. My husband and I sit on the sidelines and chat with the other “wallflower” couples. My one daughter gets out there and dances. We’re not sure where we got her from. She’s way more outgoing than we are. 😉 It’s a great way to get to know the people in your ward aside from the quiet short chatting you might get in before, in between, or after meetings.
Of course it helps that I love the ward I’m in. We’ve had some deaths and trials of young ward members that really brought us closer through serving them and their families.
I am a single sister with not a lot of constraints on my time, but I’ve developed a bad habit of skipping ward activities and even things like the Women’s Meeting because I can get it in the comfort of my own home. You really made me think about the importance of supporting our leaders and the activities they put on. I will be attending the Women’s Meeting this Saturday. And I thank you for that perspective.
My EC and I were raised just north of Zion. We spent our young adult and parenting years in the “mission field” and have “retired” to Southern Zion. For 15 straight years, from the time we had 3/5 of our children, my EC and I both served in presidencies or bishoprics. In fact, my sweetheart was YW president in 4 different wards on 2 continents, usually being called the second week we were in that ward. She only took a break to be the RS president in a bilingual ward in Europe. The most challenging time was when I served in the YM presidency & she was YW president, I was also the regional Institute teacher and was serving as a Group leader 60 miles away, since it wasn’t big enough to be a branch and the members were too elderly to make the winter trip safely. Couple that with my job and we never saw each other except when I would turn the bathroom light on and see that she was already asleep. I even started murmuring during my discussions with “the Boss” while I was driving to various meetings. After a few months of murmuring and getting the answer of “I know what I am doing, be patient”, it all became clear and life got a little simpler.
Being active in all of the church’s activities can be trying. It is especially trying when you feel like there is a core of members who do all of the work, and others just participate and attend the parties (and go home again before clean up starts). There is truth to that. The key is to remember what Kings Benjamin and Mosiah provided as an example. The other part is to remember that the purpose of the church is to support the family, not the other way around.
The whole purpose of going to the block meeting schedule was to eliminate some of the distractions from family time, but then we discovered that we still needed some of those mid-week activities for our youth and have reimplimented some of them.
As frustrating as it has been, the one thing that I learned was that the “core” of the ward, is the same group who will always be the core, regardless of which ward they are in. They are needed to support the rest who might falter. I firmly believe that the Lord will not test us beyond what we are capable, I just wish that He sometimes didn’t see me as capable as He seems to think I am.
Lastly, remember the Word of Wisdom. All things in moderation. If there is something that you simply can not do, because of time, exhaustion, money, or whatever, let the leadership know! then take a one activity break, and go back to work.
I do find it sad though, that YW programs have gotten away from providing child care service for church activities (RS meetings, Temple night, etc.) My daughters complained at first, but quickly realized that they had to earn their baby sitting money on movie nights, but temple nights seemed to have children that were much easier to take care of.
If people don’t like planning the parties, and people don’t like attending the parties, why are we having the parties???
I’d rather have something informal that doesn’t cost money or make someone else sacrficie to the point that they are resentful and tell people they are obligated to show up and give them the appreciation they’ve earned. I didn’t ask for a ward party. I visit teach my brains out and invite people into my home. Someone else decided to have a party that day, that way. Why do you think that obligates me? Parties are not saving ordinances. My introverted family members dread them. When I want to invite nonmembers into a low-pressure situation, I invite them to my house. Isn’t that what we’re told to do? And I am already sacrificing time for the church. My family’s given up judo and music so we can accomodate the energy church takes. We have spoken to people about it but we usually get the same answers here–you’re not giving enough, you’re selfish, you’d waste your time anyway, it doesn’t last, sveryone else deals with it. You know what? Life isn’t meant to be miserable, and, yes, my kids are young for such a short time, I want to enjoy them! And not just on the one Saturday a month a ward has permitted me to! That’s like a tax refund–fun till you realize it was your money to begin with! It is sad when being “allowed” back 25% of our Saturdays and 3% of our month is considered a huge concession.
Why do people have parties? Because lots of people LOVE parties. People enjoy spending time with their Brothers & Sisters in an environment outside of formal meetings. You can have fun, get to know each other and develop friendships and relationships.
Most people enjoy the sociality of being members of the Church. It draws us closer in times of fun, and in times of trial. The comments on this post lean heavily towards the complainers. Being miserable is a choice.
“Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
I’d love to see the church (or perhaps even my ward – wish I could suggest it…) do a survey on what is helpful / fun for members when it comes to scheduling and social activities. When I ran our wards activities committee, I always got the feeling that half the ward (including the committee members) were there out of obligation. For fun, most would prefer a day on the lake with a few friends, etc.
hmmm. I can relate to many of the feelings posted here already, but I will add/echo others thoughts too: I have always seemed to hold ‘busy’ leadership callings since the week we were baptized in 1995, and always at the same time as my husband has a ‘busy’ calling-because what calling is not ‘busy’ if you chose to magnify/SIMPLIFY it to the best of your ability (please note the ‘your ability’ part) Throughout all those times, the need to be able to teach my children the importance of THEM, then of callings, attending activities, or using our talents we develop in these various opportunities we are blessed with to serve, has always far outweighed the exhaustion. Were there a few times that I did not make an event? A few yes, and usually because I was just too sick, or an important child’s event required me more than the church event. Was it difficult to make those choices? Sometimes, but not very often. That talk by Elder Oaks ‘Good Better Best’ has always been something we strive for, especially after I gave a talk on it! There is SO much in that talk! Do we pray if a conflict or questions arise? You bet! To me that’s what it is about, being able to make your decision based on what the Lord would have you do. Do we always find that perfect balance? No, but we try. We always keep trying!
…and i try to keep thoughts and comment short. But…well… as i said i keep trying! LOL
I agree. “Good, Better, Best” is one of my all-time favorite conference talks.
I was always under the impression that when we raise our hand to sustain someone, that means that we will support them in whatever it is they are called to do. So, for example, if the RS President plans an activity, I feel I should go to support her in her calling.
I’ve also been on the other end as Activities chairperson, and it is indeed frustrating to plan an activity, advertise, buy the food, spend time setting up and then have a very poor turnout, no doubt partly due to some of the reasons mentioned in other comments. And it’s really difficult to come up with ideas that will appeal to a large number of people.
I’ve been going to almost everything all my married life, but now my kids are grown and husband gone, and I confess I’m pretty tired of attending the same old ward activities year after year. So what I often do is head for the kitchen where I can be of some use. That way whoever’s in charge doesn’t have to also clean everything up, and people with family can enjoy the evening together.
I know ward activities can be a good thing and give people time to visit and get to know each other, which we really don’t have time for on Sunday. So I think it’s too bad that the church has done away with an activities person and committee because our ward now seldom has anything other than Halloween party and Christmas dinner, which to me are predictable and ho-hum, hence my retreat to the kitchen.
I agree. Stressing out over an activity or dinner I’ve been on the committee for has helped me in making the decision to support others’ planned activities for the ward, RS, etc.
As I read this I thought,I have had every one of the conversations with myself in the past. Thank you for your supportive message!
It is all about perspective. For the past few years, we have been in wards that do not socialize, as a rule. While I used to complain about being over committed, I have found that being without the parties, and campouts and pot lucks, our family has filled in the social void for with other social connections, many not as positive. We have missed out on the fellowship of the Saints. We just got a new house and are moving soon into a ward that actively socializes with one another and those social activities encourage the members to bring their friends to a no-pressure social activity and it gives them opportunity to reach out to their neighbors. This new ward seems to be part of each other’s families. It is good and I am grateful to have the opportunity to get involved again.
Sometimes I feel like our life is one big round of activities and meetings! My husband is a stake pres and I am a RS pres. My children all hold callings in bishoprics or ward aux pres in our stake. Trying to find a time for all of us to get together is almost impossible. Just for my husband and I it is crazy. Every ward want us to come to their “special” activities-those are our date nights yipee!! There is 1 thing our extended family does every year, set in stone, nothing in the way. Something we all love and look forward to all year and have done for 20 years plus. Well, wouldn’t you know, our ward moved our easter egg hunt to that Saturday this year. My husband and I know that if we don’t go the person planning it will be very offended. But our grandkids will be upset on the other hand if we don’t go to the family thing. Aughhh!
I think you should call the person who is planning the activity and let them know ahead of time that you are sorry you will not be there, but you have a family activity that you will be attending. Let them know you appreciate all the hard work they are putting into the activity, and that you are sorry you will miss it, but your family and the family tradition comes first. If they choose to be offended, that is their choice, not yours.
Karen is wise.
Yes she is.
The bigger question for me is “should we have another ward party?” Sometimes I think we make things harder for ourselves by creating activities we think people want but don’t (and aren’t about to tell us anytime soon).
I’m in a bishopric of a YSA ward. Activities are important, but not as important as many people think they are. Many of our ward members are introverts and enjoy smaller, less formal activities that are not as structured (and therefore take a LOT less work). Eating ice cream with 3 or 4 other ward members is better for most than a very elaborate party. We do elaborate a few times a year, but mostly we like to keep things low-key.
I like the idea of being where God wants you. Sometimes He wants me in the foyer with my arms around one of our members during Sunday School. Sometimes I go for a walk during PH/RS with one of the members and it’s lovely.
As E.M. Forster said, “Only connect.” Where that happens is pretty random and often startling. For me, it hasn’t happened much in a noisy gymnasium.
Our Heavenly Father loves us and wants us to be happy. I trying really hard to learn that “no” IS an option. I don’t mean saying no ALL the time, but that SOME of the time it is okay. I am trying very hard to hear His “voice”, which builds me and lets me know when it is okay to “opt out” and when I need to “go and do”…even if it is a big sacrifice.
There is a lot of push and pull…from people with their own agenda too. I am grateful that Our God knows our needs and what is best for us.
Thanks for another great one, MMM. Happy Sabbath! <3
I totally agree with tuning in to the Voice of the Spirit in our lives. He will never let us down and always tell us what we should or should not be doing. I just attended the ASIA Women’s Conference in Hong Kong. I had such a burning desire to attend the Temple but it took a lot longer to get from the airport and checked into our hotel so that there wasn’t time to attend the Temple before the Conference started. As I pondered on my desires and prayed, I felt the Holy Spirit confirm to me that I should forgo the planned service project that evening and attend the Temple during that time. So, I did. Being in the House of the Lord was everything that I had hoped it would be! I made it back to the church in time for the opening general session of the conference, and that is when I found out that the service project had been postponed until the next evening. I am so grateful that I listened to the voice of the Spirit. There was no guilt–only a beautiful experience. Taking the Holy Spirit for our guide would truly solve a lot of our problems and dilemas. It is something I am working on…
Our stake has a family month!! No activities are held, youth, RS, scouts, none! It is especially to encourage families to spend more time together. The bad part is that people started to wonder if we were supposed to home or visit teach. Ummm, yes!
As someone who has planned, prepped, sweated over, and loathed ward parties, my knee-jerk answer is YES. Personally, I hate ward parties. I’m not a social person and it is outright exhausting just trying to get through church a lot of the time. Throw in a couple of really terrible ward activity experiences and you just about have my feelings outlined. (I’m sure that Heavenly Father was giggling in his sleeve when he put me in the calling.) But after having worked in that calling for half a dozen years or so, I cannot express how incredibly frustrating it is to have worked so hard to make sure things are lovely and perfect and then only have ten people show up where there should have been fifty or more. I understand that life comes up and sometimes there are just too many things, but you have sustained your leaders and part of the support they need from you is your physical presence at ward functions.
I LOVE THIS! Number 2 is the one that frustrates me the most. It really bugs me when people have callings and don’t show up and don’t even call for replacements or to let you know. I was in a ward in Las Vegas that had serious trouble with this. I can’t tell you how many times the 11 yr old scout leaders just didn’t show. Or the ym advisors. And I especially get miffed when wives don’t support their husbands in their callings and give them grief for this meeting or that camp out. And if you want your ward to feel like a family, show up and be social. Ok, off my soapbox now. Thanks for writing this!
A couple things came to mind while reading this post and the comments. First, a few years ago our ward boundaries were reorganized, which meant that we lost some members and gained some new ones. For the first several weeks, I felt like there was this “us vs them” mentality between those who were from the “original” ward and those who had been recently acquired (I know, it sounds like I’m referring to a company merger, but it had that kind of feel). Then we had a ward talent show/activity. It was a way for everyone to get to know each other, with no concerns on whether you had been in the ward for 20 years or 20 days. And it was a blast. It was well attended. We had participants from ages 8-80. And from that moment on it seemed like our ward turned a corner and was truly united.
Second, I just read this story about Sister Spafford (who served as the ninth general Relief Society President):
“Shortly after Belle S. Spafford was called to be the ninth general president of the Relief Society, she received an invitation to a National Council of Women (NCW) meeting in New York City. Relief Society leaders had been members of this council for more than 50 years even though at times they had faced opposition, the travel was expensive, and the meetings took up valuable time.
After much consideration, Belle and her counselors decided to propose to the prophet that the Relief Society terminate its membership.
Belle presented her recommendation and reasons in writing to President George Albert Smith and then added, “‘We don’t get a thing from these councils.’
“[The] wise, old prophet tipped back in his chair and looked at her with a disturbed expression. ‘You want to withdraw because you don’t get anything out of it?’ he questioned.
“‘That is our feeling,’ she replied.
“‘Tell me,’ he said, ‘what is it that you are putting into it?’
“‘Sister Spafford,’ he continued, ‘you surprise me. Do you always think in terms of what you get? Don’t you think also in terms of what you have to give?’
“He returned that paper to her and extended his hand. With considerable firmness he said, ‘You continue your membership in these councils and make your influence felt.’” (https://www.lds.org/callings/relief-society/relief-society-presidents/belle-smith-spafford?lang=eng)
So, as far as ward/church activities go, I guess this is similar to your point #3, but I think we also need to ask what kind of return we’re expecting on our investment. If we expect all of the blessings but not willing to do any of the work, I think we’re missing something.
Tom
Great story about Sister Spafford and President Smith.
I find myself in the odd (almost unique) position of being a non-shy introvert. Social interactions don’t frighten me, and I do well in cicumstances that require them, but after a short time the exposure becomes painful. I feel like all of my attention and energy are being siphoned off by the people around me, and in order to regain my focus and mental balance, I have to remove myself from the situation. In small groups or one-on-one, I can last a bit longer, but I can still only keep it up for a certain amount of time before I need to go off somewhere by myself and recharge. Over the last few years, my wife and I have gained a rough idea of how it goes. Usually I just need to give her a look and a couple of words, and she covers for me while I absent myself. Fortunately, most of our ward activities allow us that flexibility. While she and the kids are eating, for example, I can go find a quiet corner and avoid people. Then when the presentation starts, I can slip back in and take part.
I know exactly what you mean. I don’t know how often I’ve gone to some activity and then spent half of the time in the bathroom. My dad slips out to practice the organ. I knew I should have kept up with those piano lessons.
Oh Palad, I love your post because I’m the same way!
I have a public speaking background and most people think I’m an extrovert, but I’m the exact opposite. I felt so overwhelmed by the church growing up that I used to have anxiety issues before church on Sunday. I’ve got that under control, but most of the time the ‘Best’ thing for me on weeknights is putting the kids to bed and having a silent house (doesn’t happen often) so that I can recharge from the stress of the day. With a bunch of kids and work clients and school teachers / coaches I’m constantly interacting with, I’m always peopled out. Church activities add to that stress for me rather than release it (so that I can sleep especially). No one seems to get that though (including my husband).
I’ve come to the conclusion that there isn’t a one-size-fits-all for the church. We are not all the same and the purpose of the church programs is not to make us the same. I’ve learned it’s okay to have boundaries – even within the church. To say such-and-such-activity is ‘good,’ but I’m at my limit and thus a night at home would be ‘Best.’
“Do I have to go to the ward party?”
Oh, how I wish I could! In the early 1950s when I joined the Church there were not enough branch members to do anything but meet and eat. However, the district held a monthly Union Meeting, later changed to a Correlation meeting, which everyone that could stand upright and catch a couple or three buses could and did attend.
These afternoon meetings in the old Woodland Street Chapel, bought from a declining Methodist congregation, were always followed up by a social and/or a social and concert.
These were oases of delight and we got to know everyone in the Leeds District [England] that nurtured Church leaders of talent and ability that have spread out throughout the world to strengthen and bless those that lived wherever they ended up.
The old Huddersfield Branch now sports three Wards and socials are part and parcel of their efforts to Strengthen the Saints.
After our CES mission to Tennessee, we moved to Montana to a struggling branch, that still struggles ten years after we moved to Arizona. In that branch I organised a branch social every two months. That was so the branch Activities Committee could utilise the in between months for whatever they planned, but it didn’t live up to its ‘activities’ name.
However, through the socials that were run, they learned that it was not only OK to love each other, but that it made them happier and brought them closer together as a congregation and as friends and fellow saints.
We emigrated from there to an area that is 40% LDS, and have had only one social in ten years. there is an annual old folks’ Christmas dinner, and they are quite nice, but once a year isn’t really doing anything positive but feed the old souls like my wife and me.
So, “Yes! I MUST go to the Ward social!” The trouble is I cannot, because it is as dead as a Dodo. No Stake Dances, never heard of Road Shows!
Well, there’s always the telly, eh?
Thus our family motto: WE. SHOW. UP.
Nice little mantra on the hard days;)
We live by that motto too. It’s especially important for children to see that their parents show up. The motto applies to callings and assignments and other Church service as well. I’ve noticed that most people in responsible callings aren’t any more talented than anyone else, but they said yes and show up.
I need to correct the above–she told me to stop having children, not callings. Church had to come first.
I really wish we could switch to a schedule where there is an opportunity for a whole-family night once a week or every other week, and nothing else. I feel so frustrated when I have to keep scrambling to find babysitting for the endless visiting teaching, callings, Scouts, YW’s, Activity Days, RS, helping sick people or people who are moving, feeding missionaries….I either have to find babysitters, ask my husband to come home from work early (I don’t want to endsnger his job) or leave my kids by themselves and come home to them fighting. My church activity is costing my children.
Also, the money everything takes makes me panic. It’s expensive, and I am ashamed of my meager from-scratch homemade offerings. We live in a fairly modest ward, and my husband has good fulltime
employment, but I have 7 kids with a couple teenagers in the mix and I am tryig to just keep everyone fed without breaking our limited budget.
One thing I do know is that the gospel is true! If I chose which church to be a member of based on ease of membership it would NOT be our church! lol. But I know it is true and I have people to serve, so I keep plugging away. But honestly I don’t tell my nonmember friends about it because they would be scared away from the church, and who can blame them?
Perhaps you have tried this, but have you talked to the leaders of the various organizations or the Bishop? Each auxiliary and quorum has good intentions of strengthening, involving, unifying, etc. their members, but they may not realize what is going on in the other quorums and auxiliaries and how much it all adds up.
Our YW President has 7 kids and she shared her concern in the Ward Council after one Saturday when immediate family members (who range from pre-nursery to high council) were supposed to be in 3 places at once for activities in their respective assignments and memberships.
Not too long after, our Bishopric designated the 1st Saturday of each month as a temple day (not that we have a specific session to be at, but just that the day is not scheduled for any Church activities so that people may go to the temple, if the would like) and the 2nd Saturday as a family time day, where again, nothing Church-related is scheduled.
I guess it helps that we live in the “mission field” (never knew it was called that until I went to BYU), so a temple night is not an option (has to be most of a day to get there and back), and RS/Mutual/Pack meeting all happen on the same night, though we’re trying to get a separate RS activity night so Activity Day/Cub Scout/YW leaders can come…maybe that’s not a good idea?
I just know that for every person who wants less going on, there is a person who needs more opportunity to serve and get to know people- it’s a hard line to walk for leaders, so they need to know.
We have all been there. We are all doing that. Everybody has to scramble at several times or another in life. You are not the only one. Yes – it’s crappy sometimes. But life is very short and those child years go by very fast. Do the problems stop after that? No. You just have to keep doing it and keep doing it and keep doing it. No, I’m not an expert, but I do know we have all been through it. Your feelings are not the church’s fault. You just have to hang on by a fingernail and keep trying if you believe in the truth of this gospel.
Kills me every time we have to lay out a ton of money for babysitters to go to an activity. Ours are young and reeaaallllyyyy full of energy so we have to pay sitters well (10 bucks an hour). When a church activity costs 60 bucks ($100 for an out of town Temple trip) I can’t say I get much from the meeting wondering if with this added expense will the paycheck stretch far enough, can’t enjoy a quick ice cream after the adult session of Stake Conference because then we’re paying for a sitter AND ice cream, leaving my kids with a teenager so I can go support someone’s activity sometimes causes more stress than it relieves.
I NEVER charged babysitting fees for church activities or on the Sundays I babysat for a non-member family we knew. It was always done as a service for the parents. When did that go out of being vogue??
I do have days, though, that I will gladly pay the teenager to watch the kids just for a quiet opportunity to use complete sentences and grown up words. Young Women lessons never warn how isolated and lonely motherhood is.
We had a few years my husband was out of work and I was paying the bills (thank goodness I have good earning ability), I kept getting pregnant despite our best prevention efforts, and one of those babies nearly died from an undiagnosed birth defect with a 50% fatality rate. I was stretched beyond my own ability to cope. I will forever be grateful to my RS president. She checked in on me and managed to keep me out of a calling for 1 1/2 years. Our ward was ginormous (350-450 showed up every Sunday and my husband was always gone doing Clerk duties) a calling would’ve sent me over the edge. She set me up with just ONE sister to visit teach each month so I was able to actually succeed and not add more guilt on top of everything else I felt like a failure at. That one sister was a sweet retired lady with a very flexible schedule and so much love and wisdom. Love her to this day. During this time any activities I went to were ONLY during times my husband was home because we didn’t have babysitting money. His meetings were usually Sundays so not a problem money wise, but I sure missed him. Often the idea of keeping track of 5 kids under age 7 was just more than our stressed little selves could stomach and we’d skip. He’s back to work now *whew* but recovering from unemployment takes a long time and sometimes we still just don’t have the babysitting money and skip midweek church meetings rather than bounce checks.
We would arrange to leave our kids with other friends that weren’t in our ward, and then do the same for them so they could attend their activities – and not just church stuff. I like free.
Sad to hear that your YW won’t step up and serve.
I forced myself a couple of years ago to take my very large, very young family to the ward Christmas party, when I was already pregnant and burning out fast from all the other Christmas and church commitments my ward requires of young families. It was a terrible decision. I spent the evening in angry tears, and actually started having anxiety issues about attending even basic ward meetings for a few months afterwards, to the point I avoided going to church at all, because it was embarassing to find myself in tears again after the long list of ward activities and reminders of all that I needed to do and needed to repent of. Basically I felt like I had to go inactive for my
mental health.
I’m better now, and more active than ever, but that burnout is very real, and a party is not a party if it’s a duty and makes people cry.
I have some Baptist friends with a very close-knit community–you know what they do? A family night every week. Every Wednesday, entire families meet at their church and just play. I have heard them talk about it happily, and seen how it brings together all the ages, because all the ages are having fun together socially on a regular basis.
I don’t see the same dynamic in our ward. All activities are segregated by age and gender. The one time a week we mix as an entire ward family is for sacrament meeting, which is absolutely essential for us spiritually but is not an adequate social activity.
I am so tired of needing to keep track of every single group’s schedule and requirements at church. There’s always some new activity I need to bring or make things for that take us out of the house and seperate our family. Sometimes I feel like being the church member I am expected to be requires a much smaller family than we have. I am not alone in this. I have spoken to other member mothers who said part of their reason for choosing a smaller family was meeting church obligations, and one mother once criticized me and told me that if having children interfered with my callings, then I needed to stop having callings. True story.
I think our church culture has lost perspective.
this is so funny that you say that! Just the other day I was saying to my hubby that for a church that focuses on family it sure does split us up a lot! …yes I was having a “moment”.
The thing is is that busy people will ALWAYS find something to be busy with. I firmly believe that if we weren’t busy with church stuff we would replace it with something else. When I look at the alternatives I’m not sure if they would make my life any happier…sports club committees, PTA’s, community boards…etc etc…actually we’re probably already doing those things as well anyways. When I’m honest I have to admit that those church activities generally…not always…but generally take me back to the reason I am here, where I came from and how I can live a better life. Those secular activities I am busy with, get me caught up in things, of the world, that are probably not as important as I sometimes think they are when I’m in the thick of it.
And while I’m being honest…half the time I’m feeling so sapped of energy is not necessarily the things I have to do, but the things that I am NOT doing. I don’t eat properly, I don’t exercise, I don’t plan my time well…etc etc. As a homeschooling mother of 5, any “spare” moment I have, I just want to sit in a quiet place and be alone but like I said…that’s usually because I’ve been rushed off my feet trying to keep up with all the things that I was supposed to do yesterday, but didn’t, so needed to add in today.
I can only talk for myself with all the extras…but it was nice reading someone else saying exactly what I had also been feeling. The post AND your comment Sachiko, was a boost for the day. 🙂
My goal for this year has been to do nothing out of obligation. I realized that if I was doing it out of obligation that I wasn’t showing up with the right spirit and I would be angry for days after. I have done a lot of things in this church out of obligation. So, this year, I have missed some things and have not felt guilty. I want to show up because I am truly serving my Savior, not because I feel obligated. I had to step away from doing things out of obligation, so that I could start to do them from truly having a desire to serve. It has made a HUGE difference for me.
Great if you can do all the things you are supposed to do out of sheer desire. But it the desire is not there, it is still better to do it out of obligation than not at all. Integrity is at stake. (Speaking specifically of callings and assignments – not parties)
Believe it or not, I have been able to do my callings and assignments out of sheer desire! It has been a beautiful thing. And when I have not had the desire I have been able to pray and obtain it. I am just trying to become the best disciple of Christ that I know how to be and for me it was letting go of obligation and praying for desire. I realized that I operated TOO much out of obligation and I hated feeling like that! Our church would be an amazing thing to behold if we all operated from desire not obligation! I am looking forward to the day when we can all shift over to desire.
THAT is awesome!
I knew I shouldn’t have read this. But your posts are like a tractor beam and suck me in. Now added to my fatigue is the guilt of not going to a SS training meeting this morning.
*adds more to my list for repentance*