Why I Would Be a Terrible Action Hero

Note: If you are looking for a post full of wisdom or spiritual enlightenment, please check back another time – this ain’t it.I was flipping through the channels the other night, and there seemed to be an abundance of action movies on TV. As I watched snippets of each, it became very clear to me that I could never be an effective action hero. I guess all of that Scoutmaster training will not pay off after all.

A few examples:

• In Star Trek: Into Darkness, Sherlock Holmes hits Captain Kirk in the head with a pipe, rendering him unconscious. Moments later, Kirk jumps up and resumes the fight.

My experience: I once left a kitchen cupboard open, and hit my head on it so hard that I couldn’t remember my name for the rest of the night.

• In one of the Bourne Identity films, Jason “We Bought a Zoo” Bourne, leaps from a balcony of one building, crashing through a window of another building, and continues the pursuit.

My experience: If I am walking down a flight of stairs, and there is one more step than I had planned on, I am thrilled if I don’t have to call an orthopaedic. At best I feel kind of “oogie” afterwards..

• Fast & Furious: High speed chases through crowded streets, being pursued by police and/or bad guys, all at over 100mph. The cars they drive can withstand almost any abuse and keep going.

My experience: I totaled our Suburban in a 25mph zone in our neighborhood last fall. (True story) Even worse, I had to walk home to get my reading glasses so that I could fill out the accident report.

• In every Bruce/Arnold/Stallone movie ever made, following each gruesome death or giant explosion, the lead has some clever catch phrase that quickly becomes part of the lexicon of pop culture.

My experience: If I were to see a gruesome death, or a giant explosion, I would be prepared to utter – with great emphasis –  the words “Gross!” or “Wow!”

• James Bond always seems to show up at exotic locations, sometimes on the other side of the world – the very next day – with no explanation as to how he got there.

My experience: Standing in line at the airport, trying to find a seat on the next flight, because my flight to the exotic land of Salt Lake City has been cancelled.

A few more thoughts:

• Pirates of the Caribbean? Not a chance. Sometimes I have to go back into the bathroom and brush my teeth a second time, because I feel like I missed a spot.

• Most action movies: I would get too nervous as the camera zooms in and all the action pauses, so I could utter the requisite F-word with everyone’s full attention. I would probably shock them all with a hearty “Darn it!”

• Superheroes are a whole different story:  So far I have cultivated only one unique “superpower:” I can make PB&Js and pack lunches in the morning without actually opening my eyes. Really – you should see me – it is impressive.

• I DO understand Indiana Jones when he said, “It’s not the years, honey – it’s the mileage.”

• All the bad guy would have to do to stop me from pursuing him on foot, would be to run past a Cinnabon store.

• My signature line? Not “Martini – shaken, not stirred.” Rather “44oz Dew, 35% crunchy ice, foam cup – so it doesn’t drip on my desk.”  Has a good ring to it – right?

• Wolverine claws? One itchy nose, game over.

• And finally: I would inevitably get killed as I tried to convince the villain that I don’t hate him, I hate his sins.