Almost time for Level 2. Make sure you’ve looked at Level 1 first – I don’t want anyone hurting themselves.
There is also a notion out there that this is just another list to make men look inferior and feel bad. That idea is just plain stupid. That is like saying an article in Golf Digest on “How to Improve Your Swing ,” means that Golf Digest things you suck and they are trying to make you feel bad by pointing out your flaws.
1) Bring flowers home on days OTHER than anniversaries and Valentines – Keep her guessing. Following the calendar and doing the obvious and expected isn’t really that impressive. (I know, I know- some unfortunate women have a thing against flowers. Substitute as needed.) 2) When driving together, reach over and turn off the radio occasionally. When she asks what you’re doing, tell her that you would rather just talk. She will freak! (In a good way.) 3) Get her away from the kids for a minimum of 24 hours on a regular basis – and YOU take charge of the planning and scheduling. (Occasionally you will run into a wife claiming that she ‘just can’t leave the kids.’ In that case, sigh heavily, then plan it secretly and don’t tell her until you are already well on your way. She can be taught.) 4) Remember the obvious important days, like anniversaries, birthdays, Mother’s Day – but also keep track of other days that are important to her – For example: My EC has lost both her parents and sister. Their birth and death days are tender days for her. You don’t have to necessarily DO anything on those days, but be aware, and emotionally perceptive and available. This might be a great time to review #1. Use your phone calendar if necessary. 5) Turn off the TV or computer and go to bed at the same time she does. It will keep you out of trouble, and it will give you time to talk. (This also helps with the next one.) 6) Be intimate. (This can, but does not always, mean sex.) Touch is important – whether it be a kiss, a back rub, a foot rub, or more – wink, wink. It also carries greater meaning if there is no expectation of immediate reciprocation. Translated: It doesn’t always have to be your turn next. 7) Remove the idea from your brain that dinner is supposed to be on the table at any certain time. If it is important to you to eat at precisely 6:00pm, I would suggest you get your butt in the kitchen well before that time. Nothing screams “neanderthal” more than a husband asking why “my supper ain’t ready.” 8) Don’t grumble. A wise man once said, “A sign of true maturity is the willingness to do those things that you do not want to do, with the same energy, excellence, and attitude as those things that you love to do.” (Link)
This also applies to personal preferences. I have a bunch of guy friends who love sushi, but their wives refuse to eat it. So they can never eat it as a family, or with their wife. Don’t be closed minded and limit the experiences you could enjoy together. Learn to broaden your tastes and develop new appreciations, don’t be stagnant in life. It is a big amazing world out there – don’t put your self in a Walter Mitty, or Green Eggs and Ham box. And if you end up not enjoying those new experiences, see # 8.
I love #9. My father sold life insurance. He used to tell me that he could tell how much a man loved his wife by how much life insurance he carried. (When I married my husband, Dad made sure I was well provided for.)
uh oh, I hope President Eyring does not have his hand resting in a fist on the podium next conference or I may just picture a pitchfork!
I am married to someone from not a ‘western’ culture and this certainly still applies to our marriage. Thanks for the continued food for thought and desire to improve!
So is your EC going to give us gals a tip list for being a better wife? Some of these on both lists work both directions, but not all of them. My husband is awesome, he doesn’t do some of these things, but he does lots of wonderful things that are always telling me he loves and cares for me. I am always looking for things I might do for him.
If I could “like” the above comment, I would. It would be great to hear from your EC on this!
I love President Eyring. I think he would like your list.
If these are Western only opinion, then I am so greatful that I live where I do. I plan on printing these out and giving them to my daughters to refer to as they begin dating. I can’t imagine what woman no matter the culture that would think these are not good tips for a spouse.
Haha the first thing I noticed was the picture! I even showed my husband and he and I laughed out loud when we realized it looked exactly like Pres. Eyring. Thanks for these lists. It’s actually helping me realize all that my husband is trying to do, but I’m so busy being caught up in raising small children that I fail to notice just how great a husband I have!
At the very beginning of our courtship my, now husband, dropped me off at the theater to see The Princess Diaries with my mom and sister. My mom said, “Hey, why don’t you come with us?” I thought I was gonna die. He shrugged and said “sure”. Felt bad for the poor guy the whole time, but he was great about. We still watch chick flicks every now and then and I’ll watch the really badly made action flicks too. My sweet husband’s doing preatty darn well with these ideas (both level 1and 2!). We’re making great progress in the family picture area from level 1. 😀 He was raised by parents (both good people) with a COMPLETELY dysfunctional marriage. He wasn’t ever exposed to how a solid marriage works well. We’ve forged ahead and just worked to be the best we can and it is paying off with a great marriage. Obviously I’ve had work on my part too. 😉 I’ve been extra careful to never nag, or do anything that could be construed as such, because he was raised by a queen nagger. Good woman, but WOW, relentless! Being sensitive, and in tune, with a husband’s background helps them move past whatever is following them that could impede their becoming the best husband they can.
I’m a Western culture kinda girl so I love all these ideas!
You sound like you have a great husband who works hard to not repeat the mistakes his parents made. I had (still have) an awful example of what a good marriage is supposed to be and have been able to basically do the opposite of my parents. They are good people, but came into their marriage with dysfunction. Your second to last sentence is awesome 🙂
I need to work on number 12…a lot.
While marriage is universal, global, these tips are not. Do they work equally as well toward a better marriage in Mozambique?
Every one of these can be done out of obligation or just checking off a list without love. Plenty of loveless marriages exist such that a checklist like this won’t address the root issue but may only treat the symptoms.
1 Tip to a better marriage. Ephesians 5:33
Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
http://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/eph/5?lang=eng
How to love and/reverence? Your blog offers suggestions for affluent Western cultures. May vary dependent on age, country, socio-economic status, era, etc. Love and respect come first though, and they span time, ages, cultures, etc. as universal tips/principles.
Perhaps the most irrelevant comment I’ve received in 3 years of blogging. I checked my stats and my readership from Mozambique is still very, very low. There have been no claims that these are world truths. My readership is almost exclusively Western culture.
Regarding the scripture? Good choice. Other than that, please let us have a glance at your marriage resume before we consider your advice further.
Ad hominems are very becoming on you anonymous Mormon person. Reasoning is not your forte I see.
I hardly see one’s personal experience on a topic as irrelevant. If you feel this way about my lack of reasoning, don’t read.
You either do not understand logical fallacies or prefer them instead of addressing a point. I did respect you at one point as a source for learning more about Mormon beliefs and practices. Instead, it seems from your reaction that you are a thin-skinned anonymous person who bristles at anything resembling critical thinking.
Wow, it’s almost like somebody has settled on a conclusion and refuses to listen to anything that might not fit. First, MMM has already said that his article is geared toward a limited (that is, not world-wide) audience. But let’s examine your contention that these tips cannot be applied outside of a small group. It’s important to distinguish, though, between the tips themselves and the underlying principles. While some specific tips may not be universal (and MMM even addressed this in the first point, when he said, “Substitute as needed.” Most readers would infer that appropriate substitutions are therefore reasonable on the other points, even if not explicitly stated.) the underlying principles should be. Now, on to the show.
1. Give unexpected gifts to show your wife you appreciate her.
2. Take time to talk to your wife.
3. Spend one-on-one time with your wife.
4. Remember the days that hold significance for your wife.
5. Avoid distractions that prevent you from going to bed together.
6. Be intimate.
7. If a household schedule is important to you, do your part to maintain it.
8. Don’t be a complainer.
9. Make sure your wife and children are provided for in the event of your death.
10. Watch your wife in moments when she’s unaware of you, and appreciate what a gift your marriage is.
11. Support her in her responsibilities.
12. Try new experiences with your wife.
So, which of these things is only applicable to affluent western cultures? How many of these do you expect any person could do by rote without beginning to feel an increase of love and respect?
Sorry if I stepped on any toes, MMM
Your summary was better than my post! Thanks!
What is love in a marriage then? Is it not the tips MMM has listed above? When we serve our spouse and think of their needs we are showing love and respect.
Wow, can I just say, I’m glad I am not married to you. Instead of getting offended (no one can offend you unless you allow them to) put it to the test. You might find as you put more ino your marriage/ relationship you may find your wife putting more effort into making you happy as well. Actions always speak lower than words.
Well said.