It is never to early to let people know what you want for Christmas. Usually I am very hard to shop for, but this year, I seem to have quite a few things that I would really like.
Some of them might be a little difficult to find, so I wanted to give you a head start.
EMP Burst Car Horn. I would like a car horn that emits a short-range directional electromagnetic pulse burst that is just strong enough to turn the phone of the person (texting while stopped at a green light) in front of me into a paperweight.
Facebook Pathetic Timer App. This app shows up on my Facebook page as a timer and keeps track of how much time I have spent that day, week, and year on Facebook. But to keep me from feeling too pathetic, it also shows how much time my Facebook friends have spent as well. Special icons available for Candy Crush Saga and Farmville players.
Two Button Media Remote: I would like a remote for my entertainment system that has exactly 2 buttons. The 1st, when pressed, psychically knows what show I want to watch next, and begins the program, skipping commercials. The 2nd button? A pause button – I need to be realistic – because I have kids.
My EC’s Voice Alarm Clock. I would like to be woken up to my sweet wife’s gentle voice, lovingly encouraging me to get out of bed. I would also like to be able to slap the snooze button repeatedly without damaging my marriage.
Phone Support Translator Headset: I would like a headset that I can plug into my phone for those occasions that I need to talk to tech support, or a representative from my credit card, phone company, etc. This will be useful when listening to the techs that honestly believe they are using English when speaking to me.
A Liahona: No, not a metaphor, but an actual Liahona of curious workmanship.
Automated Irony Blog Widget: This blog widget would automatically send a reply to people who leave comments saying that someone has been “judgmental.” Automated reply would read, “Thanks for your comment! It sure was ironic!” and include a link to “irony” in the dictionary.
Elf on the Shelf – Medieval Edition: Comes complete with Elf, a very small stake, twine, kindling, lighter fluid, and a book of matches. Optional YouTube video upload link.
The Anti-Playlist: I would like a small chip implanted in my auditory canal that would prevent my ear/brain from hearing specific things of my choosing. It would be operated similar to an iTunes playlist, but would consist of songs and other things I do not want to hear, wirelessly uploaded to the chip. For example, right now it would consist of things like Paul McCartney Christmas songs, The Christmas Shoe song, etc. Would also be interested in a video version, but am concerned it might make driving dangerous.
My Youthful Zest for Life: Unfortunately, it seems that “curmudgeon” is the flavor-of-the-day more and more often.
A Benefactor: I would enjoy finding someone to take over all my expenses so I could spend time doing more of this kind of stuff, and writing a couple of books. My benefactor would not necessarily have to be anonymous, but I would prefer it if he weren’t an escaped convict – but that part is negotiable. I am not adverse to being called “Pip” if the price is right.
So, good luck with your shopping, and always remember: If we think about Jesus more during December, we are doing it wrong the other 11 months of the year.
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I want the Anti -Playlist chip also! Have you ever tried to listen to the “Sounds of the Season” channel on your tv? They play some of the WORST Christmas songs ever written, which unfortunately then get stuck in your head . My most unfavorite song is also a Paul McCartney one, which has actually caused me to leave a store to avoid hearing it.
Why ya gotta be a CCS hatah?
I ditto your ditto!
Oh how I like you even more…
Love some of these ideas. Do you mind if I include them in my list? As for the elf thing….I don’t even want to know.
Ditto on the Elf on the Shelf. I don’t get the whole “make more work and chaos for yourself with a creepy looking elf”. No thank you!
Great post!
Loved them all, but especially the ironic comment app, and the curmudgeon comment. Both reminded me of my dad. He was never exactly famous for his tact and smoothness, but I recently heard him declare that “the purpose of people my age [over 60, with no kids to support, no career advancement to care about] is candor”. He is back to teaching high school English, so all of his colleagues are. . .typical public high school teachers. He is not. He never offers his opinion unsolicited, and most of the other teachers have stopped asking, but for the first few years, they’d ask his opinion, he’d give it (usually with pretty good explanation of his philosophical basis), and “You’re so judgmental!” was usually the only reply. Well, except the one teacher who asked for campaign donations for Obama in 2008. He told her he did not support Obama, and, obviously dumbfounded, she asked why. He calmly explained the myriad reasons he did not agree with nor trust Obama, and she burst out in reply, “Well, you’re just a right-winger Jack Mormon!!” I’m pretty sure he considers that one of the best compliments he’s ever received 🙂