I used to drift around. I was a dandelion seed that sprouted wherever I landed and the winds had blown me from the East Coast to Alaska and back again. One particular breeze had me circle and land in Phoenix…in August. Phoenix in the summer is like Alaska in the winter. You spend a whole lot of time questioning why you live there and acting like a mole afraid to surface though the front door of your climate controlled home.
I worked at a psychiatric treatment center for adjudicated sex offenders. Because of the dangerous nature of my job we worked in teams of 2-4 depending on the number of patients we had on our unit. We had to trust one another. The crisis situations that occurred from the time we punched in till the time we closed the 12 ft high, steel gate behind us for the night, required that type of relationship.
One of my team members seemed different from the others. He seemed to emit light, happy, joyfulness. At the time I had no idea what it was that I felt when I was near him, but I did know one thing, I wanted to be near him all the time because I got to feel that way too when we spent time together.
I was addicted to this friend. I became a joy junky. I followed this poor guy around leeching off of his happy countenance for months. At the time I mistook this for a physical attraction and even made attempts to secure my joy dealer in a dating relationship. In hindsight I am eternally grateful that never happened.
What did happen, however, was an amazing event where he taught me about the source of his joy.
He told me it was his religion that brought him joy and explained about his beliefs and about The Book of Mormon. He gave me book after book to read. I would read something and ask what else he had, and he would bring another tidbit the next week. I read scripture, discourse, and opinion. Each time I got to feel the peace and joy that I longed for. As long as I was reading I was feeling peace. Finally, one day I read The Miracle of Forgiveness and that was the clincher. I knew that I would make a permanent change in my life and that the Church was true. But there was another event happening simultaneously which helped me further understand the contrast between the choices I had been making in life, and the blessings I had waiting for me.
It was around this time that I discovered I was pregnant.
That may sound like a happy, lovely thing to most people, but for me it was a terrifying, life altering, event. I had been in and out of dating relationships with several people none of whom stayed around very long. I truly didn’t know what to do. I decided the first step was to tell the father, I’ll call him Joe.
I’m not sure what I expected, but I really didn’t expect what was coming. I was accused of “trying to trap him” into a relationship. In the end he flat refused to have anything to do with me. I was alone, scared, and confused with no place to turn.
As the weeks passed I grew less averse to my situation and began to feel a deep love for this new life that was growing inside me. I still didn’t know how I was going to support us, but I knew that I loved this little one and that even though life would be hard, we’d do it together. For the first time in my life I was happy because at least, I wouldn’t be alone. I was 4 months along and already anxiously awaiting her arrival.
Then the searing pains began. I went to the doctor and he confirmed my worse nightmare. My baby had died. I was miscarrying. I was scheduled for an emergency d&c later that evening. As I stood at the nursing station making the arrangements the nurse asked who would be brining me to the hospital, “no one” I said. “I’ll drive myself..” She calmly explained that I could not drive myself because I would not be discharged from the hospital without a person to go home with me and stay for at least 24 hours after the surgery. I had no one. I thought about calling my friend of light, but this was not his problem. I didn’t want to bother him. I had to tell the nurse there was no one that would be willing to stay with me. She just looked at me dumbfounded, but continued to make the arrangements. Out of desperation I called Joe. He agreed to take me.
As afternoon approached and the pain continued I decided I wanted to call my friend of light. I hoped being near his light would take my mind off of everything. I met him at his house and he felt that we should drive over to the temple in Mesa. I didn’t think I could walk much at this point, but I didn’t want him to know the extent of the pain I was in, so I tried to fake it. We went into the visitor center and I found the first bench and sat down. My friend suggested we walk around the temple. I looked out at the building. It was bright white against the blue of the sky. I could feel the same joy and happiness as I looked out at the temple that I felt when I was with my friend. An overwhelming feeling settled on me and I knew that all would be well. We walked around the temple grounds and although I had a lot of trouble keeping up with my friends pace, I had absolutely no pain. We wandered around and I continued to enjoy the strong feeling of peace. This blessing would prove to be necessary to carry me through what I was about to experience over the next several hours.
After we left the temple and I drove away from my friends home, the happy, joyful, peaceful, feelings all faded as they usually did. They were replaced with unspeakable physical pain. I called Joe when the time approached to go to the hospital. I had to time the call between the white-hot contractions because I was unable to speak. He put me on hold.
After 10 minutes on hold I realized that I would have to drive myself. It took me a lot longer than normal, as I had to keep pulling over to the side of the road during each contraction. I finally made it to the hospital in Mesa and checked myself in. I was prepped for surgery and taken back. I was relieved, thinking that the worst was over and now I just had to deal with healing.
I awoke after the procedure to the most horrific, unimaginable, physical and emotional pain. The nurse tried to calm me, but I could only repeat, “it hurts it hurts it hurts” as I rolled myself into a ball and wrapped my arms around my abdomen. She was gone. In that moment all my pain, both physical and emotional grew into a crescendo cacophony of darkness.
I was completely alone. I had no one to help me. I had no boyfriend, no friends, no family, and now, no little one. Eventually, they found a pain med cocktail that knocked me out and Joe finally showed up to take me home.
I walked away from that experience knowing two things. 1) I never wanted to feel like that again and 2) I would never have to, because I knew where I could find peace. I found peace each time I read scripture and attended church or visited the temple.
I agreed to have the missionaries over and it was the quickest round of discussions they had ever experienced. I could not wait to be baptized. Every lesson they taught I knew was true. They confirmed things I had known in my heart my whole life.
After I was baptized I hit the ground running and never looked back. My whole life up until that point was spent searching for the pieces, which would make me whole. I looked for those pieces in many places, some good, some bad, never finding what I needed that would fill me up with a lasting joy and peace. Nothing that could anchor me to a foundation so solid that no storm, no trial, no suffering, could break me free. As long as I had faith, I could gather courage. No longer did I need to ride the breeze. Instead, I can have peace and calm as my constant companion. I am whole.
~ Monique Luetkemeyer ~
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I’m in tears reading your story. <3 I think you are amazing. (And that is a beautiful family portrait.)
Wow. This got me teary eyed, if I were not at work (oops, reading MMM at work) I would be bawling. You are amazing, the Lord is so aware of you and your struggles, He blessed you with that friend before you even knew how badly you would need the blessings of just seeing and being near the temple.
huge HUGS for you, you are so amazing!
Your final paragraph really touched me. The gospel is an anchor that is cherished by those who fear the very thought of going back to being tossed about in the storm. Thank you for sharing your story.
Monique is awesome.
This is such an amazing story. I hope I can live my life better and be a “person of light” for others around me. Thanks for sharing!
So happy to know you, Monique, and to know your inspiring story. Now you are a person of light, too, drawing others along with you.
I have nothing but respect and admiration for you, Monique. Thank you for sharing your story.
Monique is One amazing woman and friend.
GREAT BIG BEAR HUG! The totally uncomfortable kind.
You… can let….. go now mCat…
This experience makes me want to be a better example for non-members. I don’t know what they feel when they are around me. I want to be the kind of person that “Joe” was for you!
I’m glad you were inspired by my story. I would like to make a correction if I may. “Joe” was not the good example in my story. He was actually kind of mean to me. It’s ok though, he did apologize to me about a year later and I’ve forgiven him. Water under the bridge and all of that. Anyway, they were two separate people. My “friend of light” and “Joe”. Sorry for the confusion.
Hugs for Monique! and tissue for me!
Wow! What an amazing story! I am so glad you found your own source of light. Hugs to you.
Monique, what a beautiful family you have, after so much pain and loneliness this is a blessing you were entitled to. Thank you for sharing your story with so many you don’t know. I was deeply touched by your conversion.
Fantastic story! I want to hear/read the next chapter right away! Many hugs for a special friend with a very special testimony.