Every once in a while, I get something right. This time I got it really right. As you might know, next Sunday is the 2nd Annual International Hug a Convert Day. (Today is the last day I will be accepting submissions – so please email them to middleagedmormonman@gmail.com.)
As the event gets closer, I have been blessed with the amazing opportunity to receive conversion stories from wonderful people, from all over the world. (I think the people at work were worried about me because I was pretending that something was in my eye, multiple times a day.)
It has also been a bittersweet time, because I am experienced enough to know that for every wonderful conversion story that led to a lifetime of church activity, there is a fabulous conversion story that ended up with the convert slipping away again. It is truly tragic.
Some 15 years ago, a young woman who worked for me joined the church. It was wonderful, and right, and we were thrilled to be involved. But over the next year, the transition to the new life, lifestyle and culture proved to be too difficult for her, and she slipped into inactivity. I am haunted with concern that I could have/should have done more to help her. I’ll bet most of you have had similar experiences, and I’ll bet some of you are haunted as well.
Sometimes we forget what a unique culture we live in as members of the church. There is truly nothing else like it. We are so immersed in it, sometimes we don’t even notice when others are struggling to “get it.” I have been surprised at the number of emails I get from converts who thank me for writing something about church culture that they had not previously understood. We assume way too much. This is a new way of living, and it can be a difficult transition – even with a strong, real testimony.
Without delving into statistics, we should acknowledge that more leave than stay. How heartbreaking is that? And they leave quickly. Elder Dallin H. Oaks said that “the attrition is the steepest in the two months following baptism.” (link)
President Hinckley voiced his concern in the October, 1997 General Conference when he said, “This loss must stop. It is unnecessary. I am satisfied the Lord is not pleased with us.” He then went on to point out three things each new convert needs:
1) A friend.
2) A responsibility.
3) Nurturing with the good word of God.
Most of us aren’t in a position where we can pass out callings to new converts, but there is much we can do to befriend and nurture.
in 2000, Elder Jeffrey Holland spoke in a Mission President’s training meeting (link) where he said the following.
“Our experience has shown that members can have a powerful influence in this process in three critically important ways:
1) Modeling gospel living by providing practical, persuasive examples of joy we receive from living the gospel.
2) Teaching gospel informally by explaining Latter-day Saint doctrines and practices, answering questions, and helping investigators and new converts resolve concerns.
3) Helping investigators and converts become fully integrated into the community of saints.”
I hope we try and step in and do those things. (One of my goals for this blog is #2.) There are great talks and materials regarding retention that we should keep in mind, but the simplicity of President Hinckley’s three item list is wonderful.
The one I want to focus on is the least “obvious” of the three: Nurturing with the good word of God. (The same one that Elder Holland seemed to be focusing on.)
To do that, let’s talk about the Tree of Life in Lehi’s dream in 1st Nephi 8:24-28.
And it came to pass that I beheld others pressing forward, and they came forth and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press forward through the mist of darkness, clinging to the rod of iron, even until they did come forth and partake of the fruit of the tree.
And after the had partaken of the fruit of the tree they did cast their eyes about as if they were ashamed.
And I also cast my eyes round about, and beheld, on the other side of the river of water, a great and spacious building; and it stood as it were in the air, high above the earth.
And it was filled with people, both young and old, both male and female’ and their manner of dress was exceedingly fine; and they were in the attitude of mocking and pointing their fingers towards those who had come at and were partaking of the fruit.
And after they had tasted of the fruit they were ashamed, because of those that were scoffing at them; and they fell away into forbidden paths and were lost.
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OK, I realize that it a bunch of scripture you have hear a zillion times. For a minute, I would ask for your indulgence as I make my point.
These people who catch onto the rod of iron are surely include new investigators. They grab the rod and cling to it as the begin their journey. They are guided and strengthened by the “word of God” as they read the scriptures, take the lessons, and learn the teachings of the prophets.
Many do press forward through dark times, but they eventually get there. Through faith, repentance, baptism, and the gift of the Holy Ghost, they can begin partaking of the fruit of the tree that was desirable above all other fruit. (1 Nephi 8:12)
That wonderful fruit comes from the tree – the tree that represents the Savior. The “fruits” that come to us from Him are forgiveness, cleanliness, and the many other blessings the Atonement provides.
Problem A: Partaking of the fruit is not a one-time occurrence. It must be a lifetime feast. How do I know? Because people can stop partaking and leave. It is not the end – it is merely the beginning of a new way of living.
Problem B: Too many people – old members and converts – let go of the iron rod as they begin to enjoy the fruit. How do I know? Because they stop partaking and leave – when the “world” starts to exert pressure on them.
When an investigator is preparing for baptism, it is a spiritual feast. Many report reading the entire Book of Mormon in a remarkably short time period. Many spend countless hours on their knees. Many study, pray and work hard to gain that testimony. Many are surrounded by missionaries who give them support. And most seek a confirmation from the Holy Ghost to reassure them that they are on the right path.
All those things – prayer, study, scriptures, etc. – are part of holding onto the iron rod.
The potential for miraculous spiritual encounters is great when we are doing those things. Strength comes from doing those things. Holding onto that strength is a different matter.
What can happen after baptism? The missionaries stop coming around, my prayers become less goal oriented, less specific, less passionate, and less frequent. My effort to study the Book of Mormon is diminished because I already found out it’s true, the quest is complete. The excitement, and the motivation can fade.
Problem C: Those exact spiritual methods used to gain a testimony which lead to baptism can start to fade. There is no urgency, the “goal” has been met. I already tasted the fruit, right? And as I back off on my spiritual efforts, my testimony can diminish – until the pressures of the world, and my insecurities grow, and then the doubts creep in. Suddenly I look around, and feel stupid.
Why is it vital to nurture new converts with the good word of God? To help them remain spiritually strong enough to endure the transition.
One of the most tragic things we can ever hear from someone who was converted, and then slipped away is the phrase, ‘Looking back, I don’t think I ever really knew the church was true.” Sure you did – you just forgot.
Problem D: As our testimony diminishes, we begin to re-write history to explain it, and to justify our choices.
To those converts who weathered the early storms, and continue partaking of the fruit, you have my love and respect. To those who once partook, you have my love, and my hope that you will come back and partake again, so that it may fill your soul with joy.
Yes, we are responsible. And yes, we are failing.
I think it interesting here. I am not a typical “convert” in that fact that I was born under the marriage covenant. However, my parents (particularly my mom) made some pretty rotten decisions because she was a convert and always knew the gospel was true, but couldn’t shake some of the habits from before conversion. Having said that, I can’t write here about my amazing long experience of still being a convert. However, I can say the following:
The points made on this post are just what we have been being told for years, more than just from Pres. Hinckley. Throughout my various service in the church, I have been ‘lucky’ to catch the vision of what it is about: what all of this life is about really. However, that takes just as much dedication, as was mentioned, to continue to feed from the tree. SO MANY, especially in the culture NOT actual Gospel, become so comfortable and complacent and forget that there is a major change, again as was already mentioned. They forget that missionaries duties are not to fellowship, per se, but to teach. IT IS OUR JOB TO FELLOWSHIP as the general membership. Grrrr….wished more people would stop being so selfish and understand that truly the happiness they seek only comes from going outside themselves.
I appreciate that people understand we are not perfect. From Elder Holland’s most recent conference talk: “All God has ever had to work with is imperfect people” Other than his Beloved son. So I will try to be patient with some of Father’s really stupid children, and try and see them as He sees them.
I have been helped and hurt by people in and out of the church. But we are all not perfect and yes, I was told the same thing by my missionaires, the Gospel is perfect, the people are not. I always remembered that and after 37 years of being a convert I am still going strong. My testimony is rooted deep in my soul. There is no turning back because there is now where to turn to and find the truth. Thank you for your precious insights as well as your other readers thoughts.
I do think that there is also another aspect that is difficult for some new converts. We actually do have a “mormon culture” in the church that makes it difficult for some people to adapt. They have to learn new words (and acronyms like FHE). We have other habits and traditions that are new to converts.
In addition, in many cases these people might actually have to leave behind old friends who lure them to go back to their pre-baptism ways. It’s a whole life change, and can be very difficult. Like you mentioned, we have to work hard to make sure they have friends in the church.
THANK YOU so much for this post. I was just discussing this with a convert friend yesterday. She joined while at Stanford University and we were discussing the tragedy of how so many of our wonderful convert friends – so many who joined when she did – have drifted away not to mention some of the lifelong members who helped teach her the gospel. She is an incredible example of someone who has fully embraced the gospel and the church and she has plenty of reasons to drift away if she wants them (don’t we all?)
It is so important that we nurture and strengthen each other! All members, but especially our beloved new converts. I think this is just as important (if not more so) as sharing the gospel with those who haven’t heard it yet. I agree that we are failing and that we will be held accountable.
Thank you for this blog! I am a convert of many years. I joined the church at age 15 and was fortunately able to go to early morning seminary which kept the fire burning as far as learning and growing was concerned. I loved it! I love the church and the fact that it has helped me to raise 6 wonderful children who love the Lord and serve faithfully. It has not been easy to navigate the cultural oddities and ideas of some church members, though. I feel blessed that I was young and able to conclude that although the church is true, the people are not perfect. They are on a journey of learning and growing as well as any convert. Thank you for reminding me to keep watching out for those new members who need encouragement and support.
I want to talk about some of my experience with the transition. I was raised Catholic so when I converted it was quite a culture shock. I was single at the time and entered the singles ward. The Bishop attempted to give me a calling, I’m sure he just made something up. It had to do with Activities committee. The way he described it I would be coordinating with two other people to help plan and coordinate an upcoming activity that was a few months away. I think I had been a member for maybe a month or two. I was so excited when I got this calling. I contacted the other two people that I was to work with and nothing, they never called me back. A few weeks went by and I asked the bishop again what their names were and to point them out so I could get started helping. He did and I went up and introduced myself and explained that the bishop had sent me. They said they would be meeting soon about it, took my info and said they’d get back to me. More weeks went by. I began feeling anxious now because I really didn’t want to fail at what I considered the first thing the Lord wanted me to do in His church, I asked a third time if we could go over what was expected of me. One of the women told me I was to set up chairs. Chairs? Really? I thought I was helping to plan an activity. That was seriously the biggest let down ever. Don’t ever do this to a new convert please.
One last thought, entering into the church is similar to moving to a different country. There is a new language you have to learn and 10,000 customs you didn’t even know you didn’t know when you came up out of the water. It was really nice when someone stopped and took the time to explain WHY they were doing certain things, but I didn’t wait for someone to tell me, I asked a TON of questions. Everyone was always very helpful, but in the end I think I never felt isolated because I took the initiative to make sure I understood. I felt it was my responsibility to integrate myself, not for others around me to integrate me. The best piece of advice I ever got from anyone in the church was from my friend Scott who introduced me to the Church. Right up front and from the beginning of my time investigating he told me to always remember that the Church is true, the members are not.