When I tell the FOMLs about life back when I was a boy, they respond correctly by rolling their eyes and ignoring me. One thing that still amazes them is when I tell them about “‘Mister B’ and his Paddle of Doom.” I can tell it amazes them because the first six times they heard it, they actually made eye contact.
I attended Elementary school in Utah. We had a Vice-Principal who went by “Mister B.” If a student (male student) ever reached a level of mis-behavior that the teachers could not deal with, he was sent to “Mister B’s” office. It was within those walls that Mister B brandished the Paddle of Doom.
It was a large wooden paddle, with the necessary holes to reduce wind resistance. It was the stuff of legend. A few swats with the paddle, and the wayward child’s behavior magically changed.
I was told that it stung like crazy. I have only anecdotal evidence of this primitive means of child-rearing, as I was personally never in need of that sort of discipline. Looking back, I assume that the greater power of the paddle lay in the deterrent force of Mister B walking around the school swinging it by the handle.
My kids can hardly believe that there was once corporal punishment in Elementary school. Nowadays that teacher or administrator would be slapped in handcuffs, and dragged off to coach a High School football team somewhere.
Sorry, but I am really off topic…
When the spanking came, whether it was by hand, paddle, belt or switch, the hits always came with the message, “I hope you learn from this.” And sometimes I would, the kid would learn.
Ahh, here’s where I was heading with all of this…
I have been blogging for 28 months, and sometime today I should cross a crazy milestone: A Million Hits. Seriously? A million? I am surprised, and grateful, and pleased. It really is beyond my expectations.
Have I learned anything from a million hits? I think I have. When I started MMM, I had zero experience with blogs, and had only read a few. Since then, I have picked up some things, and as I usually do, I have made a list for you:
• There are people who have a psychological compulsion to point out typos. I provide them with many opportunities to satiate, because I am charitable like that. I think there is at least one typo in every post I have ever written. I won’t say anything judgmental about those people, because it would be too ironic.
• Negative comments always increase in frequency and rabidity after the post has been up for a while. Either the haters are slow to the draw, or are slow to muster their courage. I dunno. I don’t like reading them – but I do enjoy deleting them. My blog, my rules.
• There are a lot of us who like to laugh, yet still hold sacred things sacred. I believe we can do both. Learning and living the Gospel does not have to be dry and boring. (This has yet to be proven in High Priest Group) It is OK to laugh. I am glad to find so many of you that feel the same way.
• Sometimes the comments are so intelligent, or funny, that I am tempted to go back and change my post so it looks like I thought of it first. (But I restrain myself) Conversely, sometimes there are comments that are so devoid of intelligence or humor that they give me a headache right behind my eyes. Coincidentally, those comments are usually the longest.
• I am a terrible predictor of which posts will get noticed. A post that I think is something great, ends up getting a collective yawn from the masses, and some piffle unexpectedly goes crazy. (Like the recent Mother’s Day post which will be my #1 post soon.)
• I am appreciative of those who know my real identity, but play along and don’t spoil things for others, or for me. The anonymity will end in due time, but not yet. (Cue suspenseful music.)
• Turns out that my readership is about 60/40 women/men. 40% men? Stunned. I didn’t think that many men even read blogs. Must be the focus on meat products and righteousness. So men, you no longer have to sneak glances at my blog – you are among friends.
• It might be an age thing, but I have developed an irritating chronic typo where I reach for the ‘, but end up with a ; instead. It bugs me. I guess I should have spent less time goofing around on my IBM Selectric in typing class.
• There is a lot of evil in the blogging world. I also feel there is a lot of evil in the LDS blogging world. Many wolves dressed in sheep’s clothing pretend to converse about truth, but merely as a forum to introduce apostate leanings and agendas. It gives the LDS “Bloggernacle”a bad name. Please be careful out there.
• There is much kindness and support in certain areas of the blogging world – and I admire and appreciate the examples I see. Many of you are doing God’s work, and it shows. Personally, I see far more kindness and support than I do hate. By a ratio of about 95:5.
• There are far too many pictures of cats on Facebook. I know I’ve said it before, but I feel it necessary. I am also planning a worldwide campaign to teach people that “lose” is spelled with ONE “o”, not two. “Loose” is an entirely different word.
• Most importantly, I find joy and fulfillment in being able to express my testimony to so many people about the Savior, prophets, scripture and the Gospel, as well as my love for my EC and family. That is what makes blogging worthwhile to me – which makes sense – because that is what makes my life worthwhile.
• I am looking forward to finding out what I will learn with another million hits.
A big digital hug for all of you for pushing me across this milestone. I would like to thank each and every one of you for your support and friendship. But since I can’t, I will let Steve Martin do it for me.
Tah-dah!
My seventh grade math teacher had a paddle very similar to Mr. B’s. It really kept the spitballs and note passing to a minimum. He was known to use it though…I was a witness. Scared the you-know-what out of me. Funny thing…most kids were actually afraid to misbehave when I was in school back in the dark ages.
Congrats on the million hits.
I had a run-in with our Principal and his paddle in elementary school. My “friend” Tim P. thought it would be fun to shoot paper wads around the room. I shot one at him; it performed a miraculous curve and hit Loraine D. on the cheek. We got sent down. Tim laughed about his swat on the behind, but I felt humiliated.
I really enjoy your blog, I especially like the fact that you have a secret identity, please keep it! I wonder if some people follow you that know you in real life but don’t know you are MMM?
Congratulations! A friend shared your blog a few months ago and it’s quickly become one of my favorites. I even signed up for email alerts so when my google reader goes caput in July I won’t miss a thing (since I haven’t gotten around to finding a replacement). Conference was the turning point for my boys (4 teens) and my husband. They don’t log on themselves to read, but they do love it when I share with them. There’s 5 more men to up that ratio! Thanks for the bright spots in our week!
Confabulations on such a monument pus occasion. You almost, but obviously not quite, inspire me to add to my blog which is withering from lack of hugs and affection the last two years. I am happy that yours thrives on.
Thanks, I think. Not sure what a “monument pus occasion” is, but thanks for caring.
I think it’s an infection.
Submitted by a very shy person directly to me: (I think he doubted his cleverness with #2)
“As one who is in possession of your true identity, I pass along my congratulations. If I may share some insight about you to your readers:
1) MMM is almost as clever in person as he is on the web…almost,
2) MMM is not nearly as clever as he thinks he is,
3) MMM is a great friend and adviser,
4) I have personally seen MMM wield a pretty potent spiritual “paddle” with great effectiveness,
5) MMM apparently still believes the “Steve Martin is a Mormon” myth; poor, poor MMM.
Well done my friend. Enjoy some meat with that Tortilla!”
As the first visitor of your second million, let me thank you for all the great thoughts and laughs, and wish you all the best in your second million!
Just to make your children feel a bit better about their school, there are still some principals with a paddle. Just come on down to Alabama! Thank you for a wonderful blog even my husband can appreciate 🙂
Glad I found you and thatnk you for your blog. It is a highlight when I have your blog to read at lunch and my co workers like it too. Thank you also for not pointing out our typos. Thank you for your perspectives. I enjoy reading them and sometimes they make me think differently, (usually I agree). Mostly I want to thank you for your intergrity and the example that you set for others that are judging our faith. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! (Gomer Pyle voice).
Congratulations! That is a very cool milestone. And thank you for the Steve Martin clip. That album is one of my all time favorites. Makes me smile every time.
Wow! That’s a lot of hits to your site!
I’m glad I can come here and read and not feel all squirmy inside like when I come across those eeeevil blogs you mention.
As for the “lose” “loose” issue, I once wrote a whole post based around the word loose but used lose. It too me a week of wondering why that seemed off before it occurred to me and I went back to fix it. ‘Course, I was dealing with pregnant lady brain….I’ll use that as my excuse.
Oh, great, now my comment got too long. And wasn’t terribly intelligent. Sorry about the headache!
I caught my husband reading your blog… (in other words, it was on HIS computer and I wasn’t reading it to him). I considered it a personal success. You can too, I suppose.
Congrats on your million hits. That’s astounding and wonderful and says much about what a fun, engaging, intelligent person you must be. I don’t think I ever want to know who you really are. I like the mystique. Or whatever it is in not knowing. Looking forward to reading you for many more years to come. Happy Millionth!!!!
Good work!
Quite a milestone to reach! Congrats!
My chronic typo is when I try to type add I almost always type something else. That darn s is too close to the d. It gets me in trouble sometimes.
I thought about typing a REALLY long comment, but, I’ll spare you a headache.
Well done, sir. (lady-like applause)
Congrats, very cool.
I agree the blogger/lds blogger world can be a strange place, I’m learning that as I go. Keep up the good work of being one of “the good blogs” out there.
PS, the counter is at 998,218 so I think I’ll just keep hitting refresh until it hits a million. My kids can take care of themselves; they’re five and two.
You can at least shower and get dressed – the counter will take care of itself.
Completely off topic, but I love that at the end of Steve Martin’s clip, He asked “What time does tv go off?” I remember waking up before tv came on and my brother and I would debate whether we should try to go back to bed until it came on, or just wait. We were never up until it went of though. That was waaay past bedtime.
THANK YOU! You are so weird.
And to think I alluded to you in the post.
Yes…I knew the negative comments would get me a mention some day! 🙂
You had me at buffalo wings.
Congratulations. Glad to be along for the ride from the very beginning.
How do you know the male/female ratio of readership? I’m curious…
I found out from a friend who is knee-deep in the online industry. I guess they know a lot more about us that we think…
Congrats a million times over, I’m going to keep adding to your hit number.
No, thank YOU. Looks like you have almost 3 thousand hits to go if you’re going by the pageviews it shows on the bottom. I’ll be back a little later to see if I can be the 1 millionth and collect that prize Mary was talking about. 😀 Good luck and keep fighting the good fight. 🙂
I like cats.
I found your blog because I was thinking about starting my own blog about a middle-aged mormon man, but too bad, you beat me to it. Which is a good thing I guess, being a 20-something year old mormon lady.
By the way, I’m pretty sure I’m your 1,000,000th hit. So…. I dunno…. a lot of blogs give away prizes and stuff…
I give a lot of people those headaches- not just you.
Crap. I think we went to the same school.
I agree, can’t we just loose all the cat photo’s on FB?
so annoying!
Amen on the cat thing. I like cats, but it’s ridiculous.
No cat photos huh mCat? Hmmmmm interesting….
You know, my Dad had one of those paddles. Although I never once recall him using it, he did threaten occasionally. He called it the “Board of Education”, which, he said, he could apply to the “Seat of Learning”. He couldn’t fool me though, he was a sweetie pie….I was much more afraid of my mom, lol.
There are rumors that he or maybe his BFF used it once at scout camp when my brother and his BFF (son of Dad’s BFF) pulled some dangerous stunt. Bro says it happened, BFF says it didn’t, neither Dad would ever comment, lol.
Congrats on the “hits”…I blog off and on, mostly off. I can rarely find anything to say that someone hasn’t already said better. Your blog is a great source of enlightenment, fun, “ah ha!” moments etc and I am glad that Joey introduced me to you.
Congratulations on the blog hits and lack of vice principal hits 😉 Our family enjoys reading your blog.
Thanks! Glad we could help…..and congratulations! You deserve it 🙂
MMM, I was introduced to your blog about a year ago, and have really appreciated your insight & loved your humor ever since then. Congratulations on the success.
As always, Go Utes!
Gonna give you a pass on that today, Nate. I’m feeling gracious.
Right neighborly of ya.
On you go to vanquish the foe…
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with the rest of us. I’m glad I found you. And yes, there are too many cats on FB…
I was pleasantly surprised the other day when my BIL quoted your blog. I’m not even sure he reads MY blog!
yey. ile your post. ur good example to me, I don’t know much abt blogging either but I’ve decided to keep blogging as well, no matter what even people will not like them. congrats. I enjoy reading ur posts.
Me too! Humor is a must for Earthlings. Otherwise, we’d all find that necessary cliff in life.
Thank you for being entertaining, making me think, and for sharing your testimony.
haha…thanks for the Steve Martin thank you 😀
love your blog!