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| Fix-it Felix |
I’m a guy. I fix stuff. I think it is in the DNA. I don’t always fix it well, but I will usually give it a go – unless it is something of value, then I’ll hire a pro. A lot of guys, and some gals, are wired to fix things. Sometimes this can be great, but in some areas of life it can be a liability. For example:
• If you can replace the control panel on your oven, it will save you a couple hundred dollars.
• If you tell your wife how she can fix her problem with her mother, you just made a mistake.
I am learning to pick-and-choose those things I fix, those things I let go, and those thing better left to an expert. But, my first instinct is still to rush in and try and fix the problem – even if it is not the right response. To make matters worse, when I fail in my attempts to fix things, I get frustrated with myself and/or the thing that won’t let me fix it.
All of us have experienced serious problems and challenges in our lives, and eventually we get around to fixing them (hopefully). Sometimes we can’t fix them, and we turn to experts. Sometimes that isn’t enough, and we have to turn to a Higher Power. And that is where I think I make some mistakes.
I have been well-taught in two important principles of our faith.
A) We need to strive to become more self-sufficient and self-reliant.
B) We are completely dependent on God for everything, even your very breath.
So, really, literal self-reliance is a noble goal, but also a myth. We can never be completely self-reliant, because we are totally dependent. This paradox causes me to find myself searching for a middle-ground between two conflicting ideas. Do I depend mostly on God? Or do I do I depend on myself? I tend to err on the side of self-reliance – which is a mistake.
One of the best quotes I know to hep straddle the divide is “Work as if it all depends on you, pray as if it all depends on God.” Actually, that helps me, and reminds me, because sometimes I am too much “Mr. Fix-it” and not enough “Man of Faith.”
Lately my family has had some “opportunities” to struggle with difficulties that I can’t fix. They are beyond me, they are beyond the experts. These things have caused a lot of reflection, prayer and study in our lives. Some of these challenges are directly related to the health and happiness of the FOMLs.
I do feel somewhat vindicated that my “Mr. Fix-it” mentality is supported by Brigham Young and Dallin Oaks, in thatElder Oaks taught that before you turn to Priesthood health blessings, you head to the doctor, and Brigham Young counseled to try “remedies” beforehand – and do your best to “fix-it.” (link to Elder Oaks here) But sometimes, the blessings of modern medicine, common sense, and old-school quackery are not enough to solve the problem.
Here is my traditional pattern:
1) Try and take care of it by ourselves. Use our common sense, and the things we have at our disposal.
2) Head to the doctor to get a legitimate diagnosis, and better medicines.
3) Call on the power of the Priesthood through health blessings, prayer and fasting.
I’ll grant you that if it is an emergency, this order can change drastically. Rightfully so. (I will be first to acknowledge that prayer should probably be it’s own category before #1, and often is.)
Then you get a tough one: Steps 1-3 result in nothing but bills and frustration. We are out of resources and ideas. No doctor or medicine is able to help, and they are out of ideas as well. We are left to do the best we can, with what we have, and tell ourselves to be patient.
There are times when things get to a point where it becomes clear that God has decided not to intervene – even when asked through prayer, fasting and Priesthood blessings. Sometimes the answer is “no,” or no answer at all.
That is when it gets difficult, and can become a trial of faith. And this trial of faith can even be enhanced by existing faith and knowledge: We know God loves us, we know he has the power to heal, We know miracles can, and do happen – because we have seen them.
And then the questions set in:
Why?
Why me?
Why my child, or spouse, or parent, or sibling?
Why do I have to go through this?
Why won’t God intervene?
I have spent time looking to what the prophets have said about those very questions, and it is consistent.
“Some ‘why me’ questions, asked amid stress, would be much better as “what” questions, such as, “What is required of me know?” or, to paraphrase Moroni’s words, “If I am sufficiently humble, which personal weakness could now become a strength.”
Neal A. Maxwell “Apply the Atoning Blood of Christ”
“The question “Why me?” can be a difficult one to answer, and often leads to frustration and despair. There is a better question to ask ourselves. That question is “What could I learn from this experience.”
Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Press On.”
The “Why” questions are the wrong questions. We should be asking “What are we supposed to be gaining from this experience?” That is hard to do when you are in the middle of a struggle. Usually we emerge from a struggle, and then look back – with a sigh, and 20/20 hindsight, and identify what we learned.
It takes a wise man or woman to stand in the midst of the storm and be able to point out the silver linings – and potential silver linings – as the tempest rages about them.
Which leads me to add another point to my pattern:
4) Search for meaning in what is occurring, while it is occurring. What does God want me to learn through this?
As I mentioned earlier, my family has had some storms lately – seemingly random, resistant to help from me and experts, and un-resolved by turning to God. We are left with questions – but have been asking the wrong ones.
As I think about it, I think I have done a poor job as a father and husband in this regard. I need to weave this “Step 4” into the conversation throughout the entire experience. As my EC and children have struggled with difficult, unrelenting challenges, I have been too slow to take the time to sit down with them and explore the potential meaning of the affliction, and ask better questions. Why wait until the storm has passed, or ten years down the road? Retrospect is so over-rated. Why wait for enlightenment?
What do you think you could learn from this?
What could you learn from this that might make your life better in the future?
What could you learn from this that might help you better serve the Lord?
Do you understand the difference between sympathy and empathy?
What can you be doing now to grow from this?
If our struggle becomes a learning experience, then maybe the difficult charge “Thou shalt thank the Lord in all things.” (D&C 59:7) can actually become a possible consideration – because finding gratitude in all things seems ridiculous at times. With a better perspective, we might be able to find “worth” in our affliction, instead of just trying to weather the storm.
Sometimes the greater goal isn’t always to fix what is broken, but to learn from our inability to fix it.
UPDATE:
In one of those lovely coincidences, a few hours after I posted this, Elder David Bednar spoke at a CES Fireside, where he discussed some of the same themes, although much, much better than I did. Watch it!
Here is the link to the broadcast: https://www.lds.org/broadcasts/watch/ces-devotionals/2013/03?lang=eng
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Stands to reason that there could be a difference between what Brigham Young would be inspired to say about physicians and what contemporary GA’s would be inspired to say. After all there has been a century between his time and ours for new knowledge and better understanding to come to practitioners of medicine, especially those worthy of inspiration through the Holy Ghost. So, by study and prayer and inspiration (Moroni 10:5) learn and apply all you can about maintaining health and preventing/remedying medical issues. There is probably more good medical information available to laymen on the Internet today than was to be found in the minds of any 100 physicians combined in Brigham Young’s day. Pray about the physician you choose. They are not all the same. Pray about the medical advice you receive. (Moroni 10:5 again) be worthy of, and Act in accordance with, the guidance you receive through the Spirit. Ask for a Priesthood blessing when you have done all you can.
The first time you mentioned your son’s health struggles, I wanted to say this, but I thought the timing wasn’t right-it would’ve sounded too glib at that moment. I thought, what an awesome young man he will be (though I am sure he is pretty great already). Imagine the compassion he will have and that, coupled with a maturity that suffering brings, will make him a mighty force for good. That is the kind of missionary I would turn my friends over to, would poke my teenage soon awake to hear from in church, would be happy to have as a son-in-law. sorry, I know it’s none of my business.
It’s actually “Fix-It Felix, Jr.” I just needed to fix that…
Great thoughts. Dealing with long-term problems can be really, really hard. I’ve been struggling with some health issues that probably aren’t unfixable (at least I haven’t given up hope yet), but after months of glacially slow improvement, it’s starting to feel that way.
What should I learn from this? The only answer that comes to mind is “Nothing, other than ‘pain hurts’ and I want it to stop already.” But maybe there is something else? I haven’t been patient enough to find it yet. I guess maybe I should look.
One of my favorite quotes on the subject is:
Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a “healing” cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are “healed” by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us. Dallin H. Oaks October 2006
After talking with our missionary in eastern Europe for a half an hour yesterday about the physical struggles he has been having for the past 12 weeks and his struggle over whether to come home after 16 months to deal with his condition, I have had most all of these same thoughts. Every time I get a quiet moment, my thoughts and prayers turn to him and like you, I want to fix it. It is incredibly frustrating knowing he is so far away doing the Lord’s work and suffering daily. It broke my heart to tell him yesterday that we wanted him to stay and push through. He has been to all the doctors with no positive results so we have left it in his Heavenly Father’s loving hands…hopefully he will fix it.
Thank you MMM. I (and my daughter) needed this today.
Interesting post, it has been weighing on my mind lately, too.
Being self reliant and solely relying on the Lord can exist in harmony. Do all you can do and when you turn for help, turn to the Lord. After you turn to the Lord, go where you are directed.
I think of Peter leaving the boat. He was exercising agency in stepping out on the water. When things started to get bad he didn’t turn back to the guys on the boat, he turned to the Savior. Sometimes the Savior helps us up and sometimes He says turn around and those guys can help you.
I tend to over-complicate things in my head, so I’m being overly simplistic. I understand the difference between simple and easy. It’s not easy, in fact, right now, I find it very hard.
I am so glad you linked to Elder Bednar’s fireside!!! I was just thinking as I read your post, that he had some answers for you and all of us! So great that the prophets are ON IT always 🙂
PS…you will probably really enjoy Jocelyn’s post today over at http://beinglds.blogspot.com/ We talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ. Happy reading.
PSS….Sometimes I wonder what I am learning from watching a loved one go through those kind of faith-promoting trials. When our oldest son was in newborn ICU for a month with a colostomy, after emergency surgery, I knew he was learning and experiencing, even as a newborn. But as his parents, we were also growing a learning…how to wait on the Lord, how to turn our prayers to “thy will be done” instead of “please fix this now”, the submission process Elder Bednar expounded upon, the faith not to be healed, and on a super-small scale, how hard it must have been for Heavenly Father to watch the Savior suffer, knowing it was necessary for all, but I am sure it didn’t make it emotionally easier even with omniscience…just some ramblings that deserve further pondering….
Another excellent post, MMM. Two comments:
1. “When God decides not to answer…Sometimes the answer is No” My experience has been that there are 3 responses to prayer from our Heavenly Father: “Yes”, “Not Right Now” (not intervening as you referenced), and “I Have Something Better For You”. Those responses help us to learn what we need to during this mortal existence and build our faith in a positive way rather than if we feel we are being told ‘No’ to help, strength and, frankly, a miracle, in response to what appears to be *the* trial of our life.
2. Your post is a perfect compliment to the recent Mormon Messages “Mountains to Climb” referenced from Pres Eyring’s talk at the 2012 GC. One of the best of the entire series IMHO: http://www.lds.org/pages/mormon-messages#mountains-to-climb
I’ve been reading through a fabulous book recently called “Weakness is Not Sin” in which it explains how we can use our mortal weaknesses to bring us to humility and access the grace of God. Health challenges definitely fall into the category of mortal weakness.
It explains a humility process, which is similar to the repentance process, but different in some important ways and how it allows us to find strength from God. It even explains different ways that our weaknesses can become strengths.
I felt like it fully revealed the possibilities of accessing a part of Christ’s atonement that I had only dimly understood before. I think the book could really help you and your family right now see your situation as Heavenly Father would like you to see it.
Thanks for all the work you do writing your blog. The way you mix funny and inspiring is a wonderful talent.
I follow two blogs faithfully – the ever fabulous MMM and another called unblogmysoul. The two converged this past week as I just read a great post on why it is important to have trials that are too big for us. Hope you get a chance to read it:
http://unblogmysoul.wordpress.com/2013/02/27/telestial-to-terrestrial-2/
I enjoyed reading this immensely, thank you!
I thought I read somewhere once that BYoung chastised the saints in the valley because they were running to the doctor for every little thing and NOT relying on the priesthood enough. Just another thought.
Please source this – I would love to read it.
Different Anonymous here – Where did you get the idea that Brigham Young supported going to doctors before priesthood blessings? If you have access to the Journal of Discourses, there are three different discourses given by Brigham Young regarding doctors, and he doesn’t mince words. You’ll find those references in volume 13:141-142 given in 1872; volume 14:230 given in 1871; and volume 15:225-226 also given in 1872. I know whole families in the church who don’t like Brigham Young because of his stance on doctors.
Dallin Oaks, 2010 trumps Brigham Young, 1872 EVERY TIME. (Which was the link I referenced in the post.) I mentioned Brigham Young in the context that Elder Oaks did in talking about remedies. I will grant you that Young did not mention “physicians” specifically, but Oaks did. Sorry if I was not careful enough.
Here is the full url:
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/healing-the-sick?lang=eng
Hmmm…. interesting how one chooses which prophetic utterance one wants to follow based on one’s personal preference. (and yes, this applies to me, too.) Actually, Brigham Young DID specifically mention “doctors.”
Have a lovely evening. I do appreciate your posts 😉
FWIW, I did go back and edit my reference to Brigham Young so that it is more accurate – based on Elder Oaks quotation. As to picking which prophet to listen to, I try and choose the most recent as best I can.
(Thanks for the clarification – I have no problem being wrong, so I appreciate it.)
Elder Bednar’s CES devotional today. Watch it. (I’m not trying to fix anything; it’s just good. And it’s based on Neal A. Maxwell; what’s not to love?)
This was a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I’ve been a lurker for a while but today I need to thank you for you insights. So thank you I needed to hear those words. You have been an answer to a prayer.
Loved the post. I have thought a lot about this over the years. I have four children and with each pregnancy I had hyperemesis. I was so sick that one of the nurses that came to my home to give me IV’s commented that the people she took care of that were dying from cancer were in better shape than I was. It was pure misery for months on end. When people said there were things I needed to learn from the experience, that always seemed to imply that once I learned whatever it was I needed to learn the illness would go away, which it didn’t. There are things you do learn about yourself when you go through a trial, but that doesn’t mean the physical problem will end any sooner. I did learn through priesthood blessings that suffering is part of having a physical body. Human bodies have problems and don’t always work like they should, but that was part of the plan that we agreed to. The mortal experience includes suffering. When I really understood this I didn’t have to keep wondering “Why.”
My EC was a puke machine too. I feel for you.
The first 30 years of my life, I enjoyed great health. That all changed about 8 years ago. After months of questions, doctors, etc, I remember getting a call from my wise father. He simply said, “I have no idea why the Lord is allowing you to go through all this, but I know He needs as many compassionate people as He can get. Perhaps this is how he is accomplishing that with you.” It changed my life. My health got worse, and I now spend thousands of dollars on medicine every year and look forward to the resurrection like I never did before. BUT, I’ve also learned that compassion and kindness IS everything in this life. My standards of what makes a person successful changed completely. How I view myself and others changed. I have learned and am still learning the unspoken and too rare quality of compassion. Regardless of trial, compassion, love, kindness is the answer and too few people have that. You now have compassion for other parents whose children suffer from health issues like you never would have before. That compassion can extend with little effort to anyone struggling with almost anything. That was my silver lining. I’m forever grateful for an inspired father who helped point it out in the beginning of the storm.
What a great post! I’ve definitely waited until AFTER the trials to find the lessons and the gratitude. I could work on learning those lessons AMIDST the challenge.
Nice insight
After reading your post about venting, I have tried to implement 2 things into my life when conflict arises. 1.) If there’s something I CAN do (like go to a doctor, etc.), DO IT and see how it goes from there. 2.) If there’s nothing I can do, have faith and pray for peace and understanding. Especially in the past month or so where there has been a lot of illness, anxiety, and frustration, this has helped me a great deal. Don’t you love it when you have a new understanding and the Lord decides to try it out? I guess it could have been excellent timing too. Either way, I’ve learned a lot about myself.
Great post! Good insights. Sorry for your FOML’s struggles. Those are the worst. I’ve had a few learning experiences. Thought I learned what I needed. Then the experience rears its scary head again, and again and again and… Wishing there were easier clues about what I need to be learning, so I could get all of it learned in one go. Repeat lessons are no fun. Some prayers occasionally start with the word, “Seriously???” with probably a bit too much sarcasm attached.
Wow, great post I really needed to read that. My husband is in DC for work and he had a stroke the other day. He is in the Veterans hospital there. His work offered to bring me out there but I need to be here for our kids. This is a big challenge. I have just been trying to look at the positives, he isn’t dead, that is a big one many people die from this. He can talk, he can move. The long term effects seem to be minimal considering how serious this is. Its still hard though when you are in the midst of such a storm. I hope that whatever challenges your family has been having improve. The fact that your immediate response is to rush to try to fix it is probably a blessing even if it doesn’t always feel like it is. Maybe they are comforted by that, they know they can count on you. That is what I am learning through this trial. Great post…
Well said! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and knowledge!