This post is a composite response to several questions I received last week via email, and the post comments (here). The basic idea of all the questions was this:
How do you create and maintain a happy marriage? (People ask me because they know I’ve got one.)
There is so much written about marriages from experts and prophets that I don’t need to add a lot. (I will put some links to some of that good stuff at the bottom of the post.) Remember, I am not a professional therapist, psychologist, or marriage counselor. I am not your church leader. I merely offer my opinions. What I will do is mention one small thing that I believe can make a humongous difference in marriages that range from solid to shaky.
To explain that one small thing, I will start by telling you an unbelievable, fictional story. (Only one part is unbelievable, and it should be obvious to you.)
Part 1
Sally was celebrating her 40th birthday by going to lunch with a dozen of her good friends. They had chosen a soup and salad place that they all loved. Mostly because the salads were really yummy and expensive because they had fruit in them.
(Perfectly believable so far, right?) (If you would like, you can substitute men for the women, and buffalo wings for the salads.)
Part 2
The friends sat at a long table and visited with each other as best they could. One of Sally’s friends asked her a question.
“So what is Jack doing for you tonight for your birthday? It’s the big one!” Everyone stopped talking to hear what Sally had to say.
“Well…” Sally hesitated. “Jack left town on business this morning, and won’t be back until the weekend, so no birthday tonight.”
You could have heard a pin drop. But Sally jumped in to kill the silence. “But that’s okay, I understand. He works hard.”
(Still believable – are you with me?)
Part 3
“I am so sorry Sally. You must be so disappointed.” One friend chimed in.
“You would think he would have planned better, or figured out how to get out of it for the Big 4-0.” Said another.
“Didn’t he do something like this last year?” Someone remembered.
“You deserve better.”
Sally tried to defend Jack – for a minute, but truth be told, she was hurt, and upset. Her eyes welled up and she explained. “It’s not like that. Yes, Jack loves his job, and most of the time he is there for me, but… sometimes he is just stupid and insensitive. Or forgetful.”
She put her fork down in frustration. The friends all looked at her fondly. They empathized, and sympathized with Sally, and commiserated with her about how unkind Jack was, and how sorry they were for her sad, neglected plight.
They finished with lunch and Sally announced that she had to be on her way. Several of the ladies watched her go, and clucked to one another, “What’s Jack’s problem?” and “Don’t you think Sally deserves better?”
(Believable? You bet? Sadly, I KNOW this does happen.)
Part 4
Sally pushed the button to open the garage door, and was surprised to see Jack’s car parked in it’s normal spot. She went in the house to find Jack, standing in the kitchen, with a rose in one hand, and a suitcase standing on the floor next to him.
“Happy birthday! Are you ready to go?”
“Go where?”
“It’s a surprise, we are running away for a few days.”
“But I thought you were out of town for work?”
“Like I’m going to miss your 40th Birthday? Are you crazy?”
‘What about the kids?”
“Your Mom will be here before they get home. Everything is taken care of. I promise.”
“What do I need to do?
“Get in the car!”
Sally rushed into Jack’s arms and gave him a huge hug.
(Believable? Maybe less frequent, but still believable. Why? Been there, done that.)
Part 5
Jack and Sally watched the garage door as it began to close in front of them.
“Jack! Wait!” I need to do something before we leave.
“Can it wait?”
“No. I need to take care of something. Give me a few minutes. I’ll hurry.”
Sally pushed the button to open the garage again, and hopped out of the car. She held up one finger to Jack, and went inside.
She went to her bedroom and dropped to her knees, asking the Lord forgiveness for the feelings of hurt and anger she had been holding in her heart all week. Then she asked forgiveness for having said such negative things about her husband – her eternal companion – to her friends.
After she felt a bit better, she sat on the edge of the bed and began calling each and every one of her friends from lunch. She knew she needed straighten things out – to apologize to them for saying unkind things about her husband, and for calling him names. They needed to know that she was in the wrong. It took a while, but she contacted every person who had been misled before she went back outside to join Jack, and enjoy their escape.
(Believable? Ha! Like Part 5’s ever gonna happen!)
—–
Here is my simple suggestion to help have a happy marriage:
Never say anything negative about your spouse to anyone. Ever.
I am serious.
There are four people who are exceptions to this rule.
1) God. Through prayer.
2) Your spouse.
3) Your bishop. (Or Quorum leader, as directed/inspired)
4) A professional counselor/therapist.
Four. There are four exceptions. Four. End of list.
Here is list of the people who are not on the exception list.
1) Friends
2) Best friends.
3) Lifelong BFF that is like a brother, or sister to you.
4) Mom and/or Dad
5) Brother/Sister
6) Internet friends
7) Strangers
8) Your children
9) Every other person not on the list of four.
Why? Basically, because anytime you say negative things about your spouse to any of these people, you are betraying your spouse. You are betraying his/her trust in you.
A quick rundown:
1) Why God? Because many of our marriage problems come from the hardness of our hearts. God’s Spirit can fix that.
2) Why your spouse? Because that is who you should be talking to about issues concerning you.
3) Why the bishop? Most bad marriages are rife with sin. The sin of unforgiveness, the sin of judgment, selfishness, addiction, messed up priorities, unresolved sin, unkindness, and yes, betrayal. The bishop can help you recognize and partake in the Atonement to resolve those sins that could be killing the marriage.
4) Why a professional? Often, the behaviors, histories and struggles are hard to identify, and deeply ingrained. This takes a “Pro.” A bishop is not a professional – don’t ask that of him. LDS Social Services is a great place to start. Your bishop can steer you in that direction.
And those not on the list? Simple answer: It’s NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS!
1-3) Friends. Friends love you, and will almost always take your side – even if you are completely wrong. Also, friends don’t usually get to see the whole picture – only the semi-true version you are telling. (So, had Sally not reached out, the next time the friends see Jack, they are wrongly thinking “What a jerk!”)
People love to go watch fireworks, but they don’t stick around to see the mess get cleaned up.
An interesting side note – studies have shown that friends “bond” better when discussing negative things about other people than positive things. link here.
If you truly love your friends, you won’t burden them with stuff like your marriage struggles. They probably have enough on their own plates already.
4) Mom. Mom loves you. Moms often give bad advice because they love you. Dads too. A wise mother or father would simply reply, “I’d be happy to talk to both of you about this – together, but I won’t talk to you about it alone.”
5) Same goes for siblings, They are usually on your side – right or wrong. Don’t dump your problems on them.
6-7) Strangers. Just. Don’t. Do. It. ESPECIALLY strangers of the opposite sex.
8) Your children. Do you want a sure-fire way to mess up your kid’s emotional health? Tell them negative things about your spouse.
9) Anyone else – even Dr. Phil, Dr. Laura, or the guys at the gym. Or any blogger that acts like he knows everything. (Not interested.)
Is it possible? Yes. I have friends that I have associated with for years who NEVER say anything negative about their spouse. I admire them, and try to emulate them. Granted, it is probably easier because my wife and I aren’t mired in a struggle – but maybe that is one reason we aren’t.
So, when you feel like bellyaching to someone about the most important person in your life….Shut up!
Here are some great talks by great leaders about marriage. While I only mentioned one point, they have a whole library of counsel as to what it takes to have a happy marriage.
Sepncer W. KImball: Oneness is Marriage
Russell M. Nelson: Celestial Marriage.
Richard G. Scott: The Eternal Blessings of Marriage.
Dallin H. Oaks: Divorce
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I have a problem with this. First, if the husband really didn’t do anything for her 40th birthday, I assume you think the fact of her venting about it to her friends would still be a problem, right? So what should a woman do with all that hurt? Also, in that list of 4 people with whom it is okay to talk about your marriage, it seems that all the people are male (excluding hiring of a female counselor). So aren’t there any females a woman can safely vent to? Should I have to pay money to talk to another woman about problems I encounter in my marriage? And here is another issue- I have read in several marriage books that you should not tell your husband you are hurt or disappointed because it damages his ego. Of course, I am not a saintly enough woman to have never complained, but statements like that make me feel guilty. Is it really okay to tell your husband you are hurt and disappointed about your relationship? Or does that make him withdraw? Because that is what is already hurting me! And if not, is the bishop really the only other person I can talk to?! Because sisters don’t have EQ presidents or anything.
She should forgive. There is no need to carry that hurt. She doesn’t have to “do something” with it – other than let it go. (As exemplified by yet another Man)
I suppose that sisters do have Visiting Teachers and RS Presidents if they are unable to forgive.
Also, the fear of damaging the fragile male ego is nonsense.
10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
I love the phrase that the “heart of her husband [his wife] doth safely trust in her [him].” I think that’s what marriage is about. You choose a companion with whom you intend to spend eternity, knowing that together you’ll ride life’s ups and downs, knowing that you’ll have times when you give support and then receive support, understanding that the Atonement and the spirit can help you resolve difficulties, and become better. Not speaking poorly of your spouse is critical in building trust. I once heard of someone who stated that they could not trust their spouse because they didn’t feel he had her back, but as I listened to it I thought, ‘I’ve never heard him speak a poor word about you–really, it’s you don’t have his back.’ I just think we need to strive to be trustworthy; don’t out your spouse’s weaknesses. Love and build each other. Good thoughts MMM.
I am guilty of venting…I did not consider that others may not feel comfortable with what I am telling them. It’s a tough spot to be in sometimes.
I guess because of Valentine’s Day, I have read a lot about marriages and how to save them and the uphill battle etc. But I have never felt that way. Life is an uphill battle, and that battle is a lot easier with a companion to share it with even if sometimes you want to head in different directions. I wouldn’t want life without my spouse.
When my ex-husband and I separated, it was a HUGE surprise to nearly everyone. My Bishop wasn’t surprised. My Stake President wasn’t surprised. Our LDS Family Services therapist was surprised (but then he didn’t have the background to deal with the real underlying problem and thought that focusing on the symptoms instead of the problems would work. He was a great guy, don’t get me wrong, but I learned that sometimes those poor guys and gals are sent everyone that needs a professional’s help without any regard to their actual training. But I digress) Our friends and family–STUNNED. There were a few close family and friends that had witnessed some of the lack of functioning and knew we were seeking help but none that knew it was at that point because we didn’t talk about it. I even had members of my ward ask why I hadn’t said anything earlier. I just explained that you don’t talk about your marital problems freely. I wish this was more widely followed even though it didn’t save my marriage. Great post.
This is a really interesting post, and good food for thought. My husband and I are still newlyweds by most standards (4.5 years), but we’ve always both striven to stay away from spouse-bashing at any cost. I very rarely say anything about my husband that is not positive to anyone else, and when I do, it is in a situation where I know that the other person will not take it as an opportunity to think less of or bash my husband, and it’s when I’m guided by the Spirit to do so.
Traccie’s comment above made me think of another aspect to this. I had an interesting realization a little over a year ago, when a then-single friend was living with my husband and I for about six weeks while looking for a job. We lived in a 700 square foot apartment, so as you can imagine, it was close quarters. 🙂 One evening, my incredibly sweet and mild-mannered husband came home from work VERY unusually short-tempered and obviously frustrated about something. (My husband is incredible and absolutely the reason our marriage is so strong!) Not long after coming home, we ended up snapping at each other about something, an interaction which is pretty unusual for the two of us and definitely let me know that something more was going on. Aware that my friend was 10 feet away from us trying not to be too in our business, I asked my husband to come talk to me for a few minutes in our bedroom, where he explained that he hadn’t slept well the night before and had encountered a stressful situation at work. We were able to talk through everything and resolve it quickly and lovingly, and no more snipping.
As that was happening, though, I started wondering if my instinct to go settle our issues in private was always the right one. In that situation privacy was definitely the right course, but it got me thinking – what if my friend had been our child, and had seen us snap at each other, but not how we lovingly talked through and resolved it? Or what if she had still been my adult friend, but hadn’t had positive examples of marital conflict resolution in her life to draw upon? I think that in most cases, marital problems are best kept in the marriage or (if necessary) to one or two appropriate sources, but I also think that there is a time and a place for lovingly and respectfully talking to others about issues that have arisen in our marriages. I see far too many of my single friends who haven’t really had positive experiences with observing marriages (due to parental divorce, their parents not having good marriages etc) who have really unrealistic ideas about what makes a marriage good. Far too often, when they get married and run into conflict or tension themselves, these friends then have no experience or understanding of how to handle “normal” marital issues. In talking about marriage with my single or newly engaged friends, I’ve tried to be honest about what marriage is like – I am a HUGE advocate for how wonderful it is, and definitely feel it has made me happier than anything else in the world, but I also try to be honest that marriage takes work, commitment, patience, and a pretty significant amount of tolerance. My friends know how much I love my husband (and pretty much everyone I know also loves him!), but I also try to be honest that we DO have moments where petty frustrations and conflicts arise, and that we try to work through those lovingly and openly, and that when we do this, our marriage is made stronger. I am a firm believer that marriage is the best path to spiritual and temporal happiness, but that it also takes work.
Anyway, that ended up being VERY long! Just my two cents.
this is a great post, and I’m hoping for a follow-up…what to do if you’re the sister…the one who gets dumped on. I’m in that situation, and it is incredibly difficult. I want to “be there” for my sis, but I feel overwhelmed with feelings of frustration for her and her spouse.
I have told her to see a marriage counselor, but it fell on deaf ears. I feel like I’m in tough spot – I want to “be there” for her, but I get tired of the constant complaining. I also don’t want to tell her my true opinion (having been in a very bad marriage myself)…the bottom line is, I’m just an idiot…she needs to talk to someone who can actually help her.
Any ideas?
I never approve of husband (or wife) bashing, in any form.
But—
I have been lucky enough to have a few friends with whom I can talk through and work through my frustrations with my husband (which are rare, but do happen), and I serve the same function in their lives. I am grateful for this–as an extremely extroverted person I work though things verbally. Thanks to my friends I can accomplish this without assaulting my husband with my chaotic and unhappy feelings, and then have a productive conversation with him later. NO husband bashing EVER happens. None of us would tolerate it. In fact one of my friend’s husbands said that he likes it when she talks things over with me, because he knows that I will always stick up for him.
One of my sisters has a very difficult marriage. Over the years I have been honored to be a confidant and listen when she is upset. It would be hard for her to go to her bishop and talk about her marital difficulties because wait, he is the bishop. He would never have agreed to marital counseling, although she has worked with a therapist on occasion. I’m pretty sure that if she hadn’t had sisters to talk to over the years that she would either be divorced now or would have lost her mind.
Wondering where Home Teachers/Visiting Teachers would fall on your spectrum?
GREAT question. But you will have to wait for a later post to hear my opinion. Sorry!
I wrote about this once, too! I call it the Husband Haters club. It’s easy to get sucked in.
I am incredibly blessed with a fantasmic relationship with the Splenda Daddy. We don’t share issues we have with one another with anyone else for a couple of reasons.
1. We don’t have many. Nothing to share. Quite boring in that department.
2. Loyalty means more than anything to us. Speaking ill or complaining et al about my husband with someone other than him is disloyal. I would be hurt if he treated me that way, I would never do that to him.
And you are right, I could easily forgive and move on, but friends and others that we tell stuff to don’t. It forever colors their views.
And if you really think about the advice I left on Mike’s fb post last night about fighting. If you take your fighting outside to others – then based on that advice, it becomes problematic on all kinds of levels.
Finally…do you realize that with 6 more followers you will have hit the magical number of 666?
Yeah, stew on THAT one my friend
I realize I am in a unique situation and I would never counsel someone not to talk with their bishop, especially as it relates to marriage and relationships with your family members. But I was keeping to the list of four. I had gone into to speak with the bishop as an auxiliary leader about my stewardship. He asked questions about my family relationships. (It was a bad day at home and my feelings were hurt, so I was obviously upset.) The bishop asked searching questions because I wasn’t forthcoming about my feelings. When I opened up, he listened kindly. Unfortunately, the information I shared with him, (thinking it was OK because he was one of the four), became fuel to validate his misconceptions of my spouse and our relationship. My husband wasn’t doing anything wrong. I was upset and venting and needed a change of heart, and I am not in any kind of an abusive relationship. So I think your point about being inspired/directed by the Spirit in invaluable. And I will be much more careful about what I share, even in the office.
One time as a young newlywed, I visited my dad and complained to him about all of my better half’s short comings. He listened and replied, ” Go home and work o yourself and every thing will fall into place”. He was right. The only thing we can change is ourselves. I work hard each day to better myself, not judging what may be his shortcomings. I have greater love for him as I do this. It works for me. And, BTW, I agree, never vent to friends about your spouse. If all they hear are the bad times, they won’t know of the good times. Great post!
I would extend this advice to singles who are dating seriously. My sister bad mouthed her boyfriend a few times and even though they have been happily married for over 15 years my mother still holds those things against him. Besides, if at person could potentially be your spouse, dont they deserve that respect before the marriage as well? Not to mention the habits you form in your relationship during courtship will surely carry over into the marriage.
Thanks for the post – this has been our philosophy, also. In fact my EC parents told her if she has a problem or complaint about me don’t bring it to them, take it to my mother – she raised me. (also she thinks I am perfect). Never happened. We also leave any discussion if spouse bashing starts to show them our dislike of the process.
My husband and I went through a very difficult time a few years ago. So difficult that divorce was seriously considered and all for of your “go to” people were heavily involved. At a time when divorce seemed unavoidable, I confided in two friends. The first friend insisted that I leave immediately. When I chose to stay and work on the issues in my marriage, she ended out friendship. The second friend replied to my email by listing several resources that she had found. She told me that she loved both of us and that she was praying for both of us. She added our names to the prayer roll. She fasted for us. Seven years later, my husband and I are *very happily married* and my friendship with the second friend is still strong. She has expressed several times how she is thankful for our example in working through a difficult situation.
My second friend also told me the following story. Early in her marriage a man offended her. She went to his wife, who was a good friend, to complain. The wife looked at her and said “If you have an issue with my husband, talk to my husband. I love him and it hurts my heart when you speak that way about him.” It taught her a valuable lesson as a new bride about how we should talk about our spouse.
I think that we have two choices. We can be an instrument in shoring up and solidifying marriages or we can be an instrument in damaging marriages, both as a spouse and as a friend/relative. I think we will be held responsible for our actions toward marriage, as a sacred institution.
Thank you so much for this. I just found your blog today (from pinterest). This was something I really really needed to read as a 26 year old wife whose been married for only 3 years. You have great posts and I love the discussion that seems to always ensue.
I live by this rule and most of my friends are really good about it, but occasionally one will start and I don’t know what to say or do! It’s like being told a secret you don’t want to know. It really makes me feel crummy one some talks bad about their husband. I feel bad for them not because of what their husband did/does but about what they are doing.
Excellent post! I have always felt that when one is badmouthing their spouse, they are not making the spouse look bad. They are making their own selves look bad for not having enough sense to choose someone better…
Grandma said, “Don’t hang your dirty laundry for the neighbors to see.” Good advice for any relationship—children included! Thanks for another great post.
I remember my mom telling me not to vent to friends or family about my husband. She said “You will forgive him, but the others might not.” A lot of our complaints are exaggerated or overblown. We know that, and we can forgive, but our family members might hold a grudge. This is good advice.
That’s a smart mom.
This is great, with the exception for abusive marriages as has been noted. It is something I admit I need to work on. My husband and I have the rule if we wouldn’t say it in front of each other we don’t say it at all. I think women sometimes say a lot of things about their husbands in the name of venting or just sharing with a friend, or even joking or teasing, that they would be furious and hurt if their husbands said about them.
I disagree. I think it’s a gross over-generalization and I don’t think all friends would react the way you depicted. I also don’t think the feelings and motivations behind saying something negative about your spouse to someone are necessarily poor or bad motives.
Of course all friends wouldn’t react that way. But they needed to (in this fictionalized story) in order to make the point.
There is no “upside” to talking about my wife in a negative way to anyone. I personally can’t think of a motive to do so that is not selfishly about “me.”
Just because you can’t think of a motive to share something negative that is not about justifying yourself, does not mean they don’t exist. Sometimes you can share a difficulty with someone who has dealt with those same difficulties in a good way and can give you ideas and inspiration and hope. Sometimes it helps to know you aren’t the only one who has ever faced that particular problem and that it might help you cope to know that it’s normal. I actually am thinking of specific intances that I’m not at liberty to share in a public forum where things where “negative” things were shared with dignity, respect and love. So I’ll just use the analogy of my kids. I can share that a child is driving me crazy with potty training or that my feelings were hurt by a teenager or that I can’t get one child to do their chores or clean their bedroom. All negative. Is it a sin for me to talk that way to a friend? If I keep all those challenges to myself and never share any difficulty, not only do I lose out on the blessing to learn from what other people have done to overcome or at least cope with these things, but I also deny them the blessing of mourning with those who mourn and comforting those in need of comfort. I think it was President Kimball who said he and his wife never had an argument. When we got married, we decided we were going to be like that too. It lasted for a whole week. And I have been helped greatly by hearing how other people have argued and humbled themselves and learned to apologize than I was ever helped by hearing that President Kimball never argued with his wife.
When my wife and I have those situations where we have problems with each other, we counsel with each other.
Haven’t really thought about grousing about my kids as a “sin.” Interesting thought. If it is, I’ve got some repenting to do!
When I was a single adult, a church leader talked about how his wife and him had never argued. It was hard to believe at first, but this was a man I knew to be extremely honest. I decided to try and be like him. So far, nearly five years and two kids later, my husband has never raised his voice to me or me to him. We don’t get along perfectly. Sometimes we hurt each others feelings on accident or miscommunication. We aren’t perfect, and we have both done plenty of apologizing. Children are different, in that you are raising them. You don’t raise or train or discipline your spouse. I have at times told people, especially my mother about those things my husband does that irritate or annoy. I am going to do my best to stop.
I agree with you 100 percent!!
As a newlywed, I worked with a bunch of ladies. One of their favorite break/lunch activities was husband bashing. It was like a competition. They all said that I didn’t have anything to say because I hadn’t been married long enough. That wasn’t true. I didn’t ever say anything because I sincerely hoped that I would never be like them.
While I was still working there, I made a promise to God that I would never, ever gossip about His son. My husband is a son of God and God loves him SO MUCH! As a mother, it hurts when I see my children hurt each other. I can’t imagine how much it hurts God when we are mean to His other children.
I’m going to share this! I love this! me and my husband have always stood by this rule. I’ve tried to explain it to friends and family why we don’t do it and they don’t get it. “Everyone needs to vent,” is what they say. But I find I don’t need to vent if me and my husband sit down and fix our issues.If we have really worked through it, I shouldn’t have any left over annoyance. Nothing to vent! Much to brag about 🙂
I started to comment, then deleted it because it got weirdly long and I realized I needed to blog something for journaling purposes that I hadn’t yet recorded anywhere. So, thanks for the prompt.
As for my comment on this post, I will leave it at this: I’ve been very blessed in the friend department. If this scenario had come up with my friends, I can almost guarantee you they would’ve said, “That’s a bummer, work really stinks sometimes! Maybe you guys can do something fun next week when he gets back!” And then at least one of them would’ve texted my husband after they left with something like, “Sorry you have to work on Becky’s birthday. Make sure you plan something nice for her when you get back–let me know if you need any help with babysitting!” Great friends are one of the many tender mercies in my life 🙂
Yes, great friends are a blessing in life. But don’t abuse them by dumping marriage problems on them!
Amen!
It sounds like you have great friends =) You are blessed! But I know that if one of my husband’s friends had text me the same text you mentioned (maybe I would only feel this way because I am a woman and it’s in my DNA to read too much in any given situation) I would feel embarrassed and think that my husband was talking about my downfalls behind my back with his friends. And that would cause problems within our marriage.
I get what you’re saying here, but that’s the greatest thing about our friends–they have such love and respect for BOTH my husband and me that the level of emotional trust is very high all around. They are rare birds and we’re lucky to have them. They would never put up with either of us running the other down, because they would never do that themselves. It’s fairly easy not to over analyze when someone is consistently kind to you:)
Quick note: This isn’t an “anti-firnds” post. Friends are great. I am just saying there is one area of conversation that does not belong in conversation with them. And if your friends would shut you down, then they truly are great friends.
Part 5 could happen, I’ve done it through email. The concept of not being negative about one’s spouse needs to be shouted from the rooftops!
Glad it worked for you. Personally, I have never tried repenting via email. I don’t have His address.
Great post! Had a discussion about this in a marriage prep class back ik n college, and have tried very hard to keep this an active habit in my life. I would love to hear some thoughts from those more experienced than I about properly responding in situations like Sally’s when the friends ask: “So what is Jack doing for you tonight for your birthday? It’s the big one!” Even a response like ‘He had to make a business trip so we’ll be celebrating later’ or ‘I’m not sure what our plans are’ could still lead to negative comments or thoughts from friends.
You don’t buy into the negativity, like Sally did. And if they start ripping on Jack, you say, “Hey! That’s my husband you’re talking about!”
The deeper problem with Sally is that she was already mad and hurt, so she was easily sucked in.
I think questions like “What is jack doing for your b-day, What is he doing for Valentine day and what did you get for Christmas” are better left unasked. If your friend is doing something or getting something cool she’ll tell you at the lunch. Just be sure you remember your friends on their day so if no one else does they’ll feel remembered!
Carol, I completely agree with you!!!
You have no caveat for harmful and abusive relationships. People in abusive relationships will often need to rely on others outside of your list in order to get the support and help they need to stay safe and get out. A bishop can be helpful, sure, and a therapist will be vital, but there are times when a bishop will not be the right person to speak to about this, especially when a bishop has already been informed of abuse and has given poor or unhelpful advice (because bishops are NOT professionals and are not without their own biases, mistakes, and sins). And any therapist worth his/her degree will suggest a larger support network for someone in a harmful relationship.
I lived by this rule in my first marriage, and I perpetuated a false belief among friends and family that my marriage was perfect, happy, wonderful, when in fact, it was crumbling and I was being treated very poorly. I took way too long to break my silence and get help from family/friends because I thought I should never speak poorly of my husband. My therapist explained that by hiding the truth, I was enabling my ex’s bad behavior, and I was depriving myself of very important (and real) reactions that would have jolted me out of my false belief that I deserved the treatment I was getting. I didn’t get help until I spoke up.
If there is abuse, this post has no application, because you need to get out. I would still recommend channeling the problems to the same 4 people. Maybe adding a 5th- Police.
Sorry to hear of your hard circumstance, and I recognize that abuse does create a different environment. But please note that establishing that larger support network was under the counsel of a professional therapist – which is different that co-miserating with friends over lunch.
I would never condone hiding the truth. The issue is where that truth gets channeled that will bless the lives of all those involved.
As I mentioned in the post, bishops are not professionals, but bishops are blessed with the gift of discernment, and can be valuable to assist in the spiritual healing that eventually must come.
My thoughts exactly, Sarah! I have kept silent for 9 years and tried to pretend everything was okay. Now I am reaching out to friends and family because if I don’t I will never have the help and love I need to overcome a difficult marriage.
I have seen situations where people reach out for help, but it is better defined as “Team Building.” And Team Building usually results in contention – dragging more people into a conflict, and spreading the pain.
I still suggest there is a proper way to do this, and it sis best guided by the SPirit, the Lord’s servants, and professionals.
Speaking for myself, I tried fasting, praying, going to the temple, speaking with bishops, seeing counselors, and so on for many years. When that fails, who else can you turn to but friends or family? At some point you just can’t keep pretending that everything is okay.
I didn’t see where you mentioned talking to your spouse. If you haven’t done that, you certainly should. Nothing will be resolved if you don’t involve your spouse continually. Telling your friends and family about it will do nothing but harm to your relationship. Like he mentioned, complaining to others will only make them side with you and against your spouse. Whether you feel that that is justified or not, it certainly isn’t fair to your family, your friends or your spouse. If you’ve tried all of your avenues and things still aren’t fixed, there is a whole lot more that needs to be done than your friends or family can provide for you.
Spouse was on the list – I think #2. (Not necessarily in that order!)
MMM, I know it did. I was responding to Anonymous’s comment.
Love the post and completely agree! Does this go for mothers-in-law as well? Just kidding….kind of. 😉
Love it!
I totally agree, and love this post – thank you! 🙂
I think Sally could have saved a bunch of time in Part 5 if she had simply sent a group text to her friends, “Guess what! I was wrong, Jack surprised me – he’s taking me away for a few days! See you when I get back!”
Much faster = more time away with Jack. 😉
But also more easily disregarded, and less sincere.
If I was Sally’s friend and got that text, I would get it – and I would be so happy for Sally! I would think more of Jack, because he had surprised her and did something special/memorable for her. I wouldn’t need a phone call. If she called, I’d be saying, “Great! Now get off the phone and go away with your man!”
Point taken!
Yep.
Amen!! Amen amen amen amen a million times over!!!!!