In order to make my life, and the lives of those around me better, and more fulfilling, I am making some resolutions for 2013. I figure it will help me stick-to-it if I share them with you.
• Stop directing Saturday chores with a Yul Brynner accent. “So let it be written. So let it be done.”
• When my EC’s cellphone rings in the store, stop yelling “Honey! Telephone!”
• Quit sending flirty tweets to Kristen Stewart just because she likes married men.
• Get my annual prostate exam.
• Try harder not to point and laugh at guys wearing camo hunting gear.
• Keep praying that Nicki Minaj will have a Gladys Knight moment.
• When my family members pause in conversation and say “Umm…” stop interjecting with “brella?” Instead, use “umm..bilical?”
• Stop referring to 2012 as “The Chinese Year of the Puke.”
• Stop posting pictures of cat people with cat hats on Facebook. Like this:
• Take care of my blood pressure by never, ever entering my son’s room.
• Read a church-type book all the way through, instead of stopping after the first few chapters.
• Refrain from drinking Mountain Dew rubbing alcohol.
• Run six days a week. (Assuming I am pursued six days a week by chainsaw-wielding mutants.)
• Never mention David Archuleta in a post, because his fans will descend like locust.
• Remind women everywhere that
“Failed Family Mottos” would be the perfect gift for their big lugs this Valentine’s Day.
• Respond to every text longer than 20 words with: “Can’t read. Eyes failing. Call me.”
• Try and delay the inevitable brain shrinkage that comes with age by playing more complex video games.
• Stop getting up at 5:30am Sundays, putting on a white shirt, and conducting imaginary meetings in my living room. (It’s been two years since I was bishop. It’s time to let go.)
• Proofread at least 20% of my blog posts, instead of the current 0%.
• Stop making “hooker” jokes about women who wear eyelash extensions and 5 inch heels. That would be judging.
• Stop sending script ideas to J.J. Abrams with gruesome ways to kill off that Charlie girl on “Revolution.”
• Clean out my underwear drawer. (Sorry – just trying to be funny.)
• Reduce my intake of donuts. Focus instead on fritters, bismarcks and long johns.)
• Work harder at being consistent with my soda:ice ratio when purchasing fountain drinks.
• Develop a better face that shows “I am really interested in what you are talking about” by practicing in the mirror. Deploy it when someone starts talking about their fantasy football team.
• Create an elaborate couponing system to carry with me to Walmart, then have one of my kid’s video the people behind me in the checkout line.
• Lose enough weight to get back into my wedding suit. Not MY wedding – my son’s wedding last June.
That is probably a big enough list for now. Don’t want to expect too much of myself, only to let myself down, again.
Wishing you a profoundly adequate 2013!
LDS, humor, humorist, satire, Mormon
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When did you mention David archuleta? In which blog post
Is it sad that when I read your first resolution, what popped into my head was, “And so it must be, for so it is written, on the doorway to Paradise, that those who falter and those who fall must pay the price!”
Sung by Phillip Quast, of course.
*canceling appointment for eyelash extensions and returning 5 inch heels (that were super cute)*
I’m not judging…
I gave up on resolutions years ago. It’s much easier that way. Then I never fail.
Sandy
Are you judging the character I love as “Charlie”?
I practice my “genuinely interested” look on the third Sunday of every month. (I’d hate to be rude) (Although it may be rude to practice with my oldest son)
Nice list, I’m inspired 🙂
Don’t wait for the fourth quarter push
Not to be confused with her uncle who played Charlie in the Twilight franchise. He’s bad “a” in Revolution.
like or hate Charlie, she can drop you with a bow.
Or she can whine you to death with her lethal monotone.
Charlie drives me nuts too. I can’t watch because of her. I say keep lobbying for her death.
LOL . . . I am amazed your list is this long, when all your attractive and devoted (no, I am not a stalker, I promise) readers KNOW that you are pretty dang perfect already . . .;o)
And yes, that Charlie girl is beyond annoying . . . Please don’t stop sending in the kill-her-off suggestions . . .
And the ‘so it is written, so it is done’ is Yul Brenner?!?? I was sure that originated with Captain Piccard . . . DANG . . . I am obviously sorely in need of a resolution to be more attentive to my TV-viewing duties . . . I have been seriously slacking . . .
I see resolution success in your future but not necessarily in 2013.
I love your list……. even though it is a bit extensive! Love your humor, as always!
Humor? These are very serious to me.
My New Years resolution is to stop worrying about losing weight. I think I’ll have more success at focusing on getting taller. Then my weight will be perfect for my height. I love your blog. I’m going to improve my blood pressure and stay out of my sons room. Love it!!
I have no idea how I just replied to a comment. I am an idiot and have no idea what I’m doing. Haha sorry!! I’ll add that to my list of resolutions. If I knew how to delete it I would.
‘Create an elaborate couponing system to carry with me to Walmart, then have one of my kid’s video the people behind me in the checkout line.’
Awesome! I hope you post the video once you’ve done it.
That’s a really great list. I might have to use some of those, since I still haven’t decided what my New Year’s Resolutions are. 🙂
Profoundly adequate- love that! And yes- that would be judging!
“that would be judging”!!!! hilarious. Great resolutions!
I am so thrilled to know that I am not the only one who finds that Charlie girl incredibly annoying and pointless to the storyline. If you’re no longer going to send in script ideas, I’ll take up that gauntlet for you….
…and I think I need to take on your resolution of practicing “interested” faces… maybe I should just take up wearing sunglasses though, since my one obvious “tell” is the fact that my eyes glaze over…. much easier than going through a daily training session with my bathroom mirror.
Bout time you straightened up. ºÜº Good job MMM may the force be with you.
Don’t forget to price-match all your couponed items and use WIC coupons too. Pricematching is what really takes up the time. Walmart really needs to streamline the process, I was once in line for 40 minutes waiting for a couponer/WIC-er to finish her purchase. She and I were the only ones in line.
You could solve the yelling in the store when your EC’s phone rings by just recording your voice saying, “Honey! Telephone!” and set that as her ring. My kids did that to my phone only they recorded “Mother! Answer the phone! Your children need you!” and set it as the ringer for whenever they called from the house phone. It was rather embarrassing the first time because they didn’t tell me they changed it but now it is highly amusing.