Yesterday my EC and I were privileged to attend the wedding of a terrific young lady. We have known her family for years, and were happy to be invited. The wedding was solemnized in an LDS temple.
For those of you not familiar with temple weddings, there is a waiting area for those who are not of age, or who are not able to attend the actual service for other reasons. Sometimes that area can be a little chaotic – filled with flowers, matching clothes, laughing and other things in obvious contrast to what is transpiring inside the temple sealing room.
As we passed through this waiting area, there were two young boys standing by a door talking – I’m guessing they were 7 or 8 years old. They were all dressed up with matching navy blue shirts and white ties that no one would ever be caught wearing except at a wedding, with matching vests. They looked cute.
I heard a snippet of their conversation, as the one of the boys explained to the other:
“My big brother says that when he gets married, he’s gonna get married on the beach, and they can be barefoot in the sand. Not like this, because this is stupid.”
Flinch.
I thought about it as we sat in the sealing room. There was no sand, no wind blowing through the bride’s hair, no dramatic music. No “wow” factor. There was an elderly gentleman who performed the ordinance. It was familiar and simple. There was a brief amount of teaching, the ordinance, some tears, and some hugs. From start to finish it was 15 minutes long.
One more thing: The elderly gentleman that performed the marriage? He had been delegated the keys of the sealing power from God, so that this marriage could endure forever. That is something you can’t find on a beach anywhere on earth. Win.
As I contemplated the what the boy said, the “natural man” in me wanted to find his big brother and give him a thump on the head. It is one thing to not know what you’re talking about, it’s another to teach it to your little brother.
Little boys idolize their big brothers and sisters. They want to be like them. Often the oldest child charts the course for the younger ones in line. Our family has been greatly blessed because FOML1 set a great example for FOML2. He then carried the torch for the next, and the next. I am not aware of a time where one of my children made an effort to guide one of their younger siblings down the wrong path.
I grew up in much the same way. My older brother was severely handicapped, and while I admired him greatly, I didn’t look to him as a “role model” per se. I do have a older sister who was always a good example for me. I doubt there was ever a time that she steered me down a wrong path. (Although she could be a bit bossy at times.) Her example made my life better, and my choices easier – because I didn’t have to wrestle with conflicting beliefs within the walls of my own home. What a blessing! It is a difficult world out there, and it would be even harder to have to contend against members of your own family while growing up.
Many people grow up next in line to someone who “breaks the chain.” I have a great deal of admiration to those who are able to continue true, even though they are influenced by chain-breakers that they love. My mom was one of those: Her family was not active in the church when she embraced it as a teenager, and was eventually able to mend the chain.
To the big brother who is looking forward to his wedding on the beach. I understand. The world puts on a pretty good show, with lots of flash and sparkle. Hopefully one day you will understand that there is much, much more out there than being barefoot in the sand.
In the story of Cain and Abel, in Genesis, the Lord asks Cain “Where is thy brother?” Cain answered by saying “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
You might not have noticed, but the Lord completely ignored Cain’s question. Probably because it was a stupid question.
Of course you are your brother’s keeper. Especially your little brother.
Simply beautiful.
Just what I needed to hear today! So far we just have one sweet, but very strong willed girl and this was a great reminder to continue to teach her in love how to use that strong will in the right direction and one day be that good example to her future siblings. Thank you
Your words are true. We did everything “right”..married in the temple, church every week, family home evening, family prayer, reading scriptures, temple attendance, fulfilling callings, trying to have faith, doing our best, and still we lost one of our children who is not only inactive but hostile! It has broken our hearts. I will forever more be asking what we did wrong and how can this be made right. Depending on the atonement to take the pain because we did all we could and it wasn’t enough. So glad you have not experienced this.
I feel for you. And I recognized that I have not been challenged with a wanderer. But I am not out of the woods yet. I still have two in the home, and there are no guarantees that those who have already moved on will stay true. But that is the hope…
There are some wonderful promises made to the parents of wayward children. I think we underestimate what the Savior can and will do to mend those breaks in the chain. Keep the faith!
“Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold.” Our Perfect Example, HENRY B. EYRING Ensign Oct 2009.
My husband and I served a mission in Salt Lake City…too awesome to express. We were in a mtg. where Henry B. Eyring was speaking to a group of missionaries and told us that those of us who had wayward children shouldn’t dispair as they would be with us in the Celestial Kingdom.
Wow, this post really hit home (stopping typing to wipe away a tear. I have four children, two older daughters, then two sons. The daughters are awesome grown-up moms, married in the temple. Heartbreakingly, my oldest son, has not been a good role model at all to his younger brother and although big brother is out of the house, we are hearing some of his words echo from the mouth of little brother. We are praying very hard that little brother will see that big brother has not been the example he needed to be, but that older brother has left a real void that younger brother is still trying to fill. Your family is very blessed to have an “unbroken” chain. The example of siblings makes such a difference.
We don’t get to choose how people define us. Usually the truth of who we are eventually defines us.
If you don’t want to be known as the sister, or the aunt who broke the chain, then don’t be the sister or the aunt who broke the chain.
I have never implied that we shouldn’t still love those members of our families who turn their back on the truth. In an eternal perspective, those who leave the church are breaking the sealing chain in a very literal way. It does matter – and it is tragic.
“If you don’t want to be known as the sister, or the aunt who broke the chain, then don’t be the sister or the aunt who broke the chain.”
It would be nice if it were that simple, wouldn’t it? Except that I don’t necessarily believe that there IS a chain to break. Not the kind of chain you’re talking about. If this life is all I have, all anyone has, then the only way to make any contribution to humanity is to change as many lives for better as possible. Being the neighbor who brings cookies and a smile after a long day. Being the driver on the freeway who didn’t cut somebody off. Being the boss who values and encourages an employee’s talents. Being the parent who raises her children to respect and to love people regardless of what they do. That’s the kind of chain I believe in. And with only this life to do it in, only a few dozen years in which to make a mark on my window of history, it becomes exponentially more urgent and more valuable.
It just seems like dwelling on those who have “broken the chain” of eternal family-ness, and in the process breaking more important chains like respect of personal choice and absolute love of family (with no ANDs and no BUTs and no we-could-be-happier-ifs shoved in there), is a waste of precious time.
I never claimed it was simple, but it is POSSIBLE – With work, faith and desire.
Being kind and raising children to do acts of kindness while loving and respecting others, and making and keeping sacred covenants are not mutual exclusive. You can have BOTH.
I agree that this life is extremely valuable, but there is much, much more ahead that just this life. I want to make a mark on this life, and I also want to fulfill God’s purpose for me eternally. I’m not willing to accept that my “being” is limited to a mere 75 years on earth.
We are our brothers’ (and sisters’) keepers, not just the biological ones but extending out to the entire human race. And that is why I would ask you to be careful how you word things like “breaking the chain”.
I recently left the church. My siblings are all younger, they still live at home with our parents, and they don’t know yet. But they will, eventually, and when I don’t get married in the temple, when I can’t come to the temple when they get married themselves, that separation will be magnified like at no other time.
I don’t want my siblings to look at me, now or in the future, and think of me as the sister who broke the chain. I want them to think of me as their funny older sister, someone who will drop everything to be there when any of them needs a friend, a woman of integrity and love. I don’t want every thought they have of me to be, ‘She’s my sister, BUT . . . she left the church’; or ‘She’s great, BUT . . . she broke the chain’. When I have children I don’t want their aunts and uncles and cousins to think of them as weak or broken links simply because they won’t have the same religion.
If religion is tearing holes in a family, then you’re doing it wrong. When Jesus was healing lepers and taking his meals with criminals, I don’t think that was what he had in mind.
Amen.
I attended probably hundreds of mutual and YW activities and lessons that talked about the importance of a temple marriage, yet none of it impacted me like my older sister choosing to get married in the temple. That for me, solidified the importance of the temple that nothing else could.
Years later, while I was on my mission, I received a sweet letter from my little sister who thanked me for my good example.
I was later married in the temple and my little sister is currently planning her temple marriage.
How true this doctrine is, for sisters as well 🙂 (for those of us without brothers)
and someone should have told me a long time ago that it was a stupid question, thus ignored. The question not being refuted gave me an excuse to adopt Cain’s attitude on more than one occasion. The wonders of simple clarification!!
like button.
Thanks. Prayers are always welcome
Patrick, may I recommend a book I’m reading? It’s called The God Who Weeps by Terryl and Fiona Givens. I agree with you, too much makes sense and too much doesn’t make sense. But I believe that may be by design. As the book says, “there must be grounds for doubt as well as belief, in order to render the choice more truly a choice.”
You’re in a tough spot, I’ll pray for you.
Thank you Mindelicious,I too shall get that book as that is what I believe. All of my seven children have been to the Temple but 2 have in the years since fallen away from the church. I feel that one has done so for selfish reasons but the other because of people in the church that were not perfect. I recognize that none of us are perfect (sorry MMM)and one of the greatest gifts that has been given to us is our free agency to choose the truths of the gospel or throw them aside because of the sins of a leader. I feel too inadequate to approach my son with my beliefs because he can argue circles around me and I’m not up to it. I’ll get this book and pray about it. Parenting is eternal.
My younger brother committed suicide years ago and to this day I pray for him
I never would have given him BAD information like that . Now my wife wants to leave the church and I don’t know where to turn as I’m thinking I want to stay. Too much makes sense. Too much doesn’t make sense. My family disagrees with my decision to join the church. I’m feeling pretty alone right now
Please email me. middleagedmormonman@gmail.com
I’m with Mindelicious. Chain-breakers can be great examples of what not to do, and and by watching them cause themselves and their families much grief younger siblings can be strengthened in roundabout ways. This is less than ideal of course, but to make the most of the situation I’ve been able to use some of those chain-breakers and the sad lives they lead as real-life examples to teach my children. (Now what to do about those seemingly happy and prosperous chain-breakers…)
That’s so true.
With 8 little brothers and one amazing (but bossy!) older sister, I can testify that what was said in this post is true. That story about the little brother breaks my heart. I hope he changes his mind.
I’m #6 of 7. #1 has been a great example, #7 is severely handicapped, and the rest of them have “broken the chain” as you say. It has had the opposite effect on me. I was 9 when #4 dropped out of high school, ran away with her boyfriend and didn’t contact us once for four months. It absolutely broke my parent’s heart. I saw that example and promised myself and my parents that I would never cause them that kind of heartache.
Sometimes younger siblings learn from the example of older siblings, despite (or because of) the quality of the example. Learning from my sibling’s mistakes has served me well, and I’m grateful for it.
I had a similar experience. All of my older siblings broke the chain (a weak chain, but they broke it none the less). I saw them in the ups and downs of the paths they chose and vowed to set a better example for my younger sibling. I have been able to see a positive influence on them and my nieces and nephews as I have tried to set an example for them. The beauty of it is that while it has helped them make good choices the older siblings have taken notice as well.
Once again, you are right on.
Great post. Interesting that you should bring up this topic since we were JUST talking about this the other day on the beach (yes, I through in on the beach just because I could) My BFF (not to be confused with EC) is the only member in her entire family. She is a chain breaker in a long line of abusive alcoholics. Dysfunction amok could describe her childhood and as we watched first hand her deal with her mother via telephone while she was caring for her children, I was proud of her for standing strong, maintaining her principles and ensuring that the continues the broken chain of abuse and continue building her NEW chain of the gospel in her life and the lives of her children. I always took to heart the words of counsel that I believe came from President Hinckley shared when I was serving as YW second counselor “You save a girl, you save a generation” I would add, it can save numerous generations
I had a dear friend that though not a member really wanted to attend my first daughter’s wedding. I explained to her there would be no music, no flowers, no bridesmaids, no photographer, no candles, no daddy walking her down the aisle etc. etc. that instead it would be a very short and very simple sacred religious ceremony that would really only be appreciated by devout members of our faith. She was of course invited to the reception which was lovely with all the trappings.
But I remember noticing as my daughter and her husband to be stepped into the celestial room that they radiated their goodness and purity. They were the adornments their goodness was the centerpiece and decoration of the event! It was spectacular!
My parents-in-law both come from abusive homes. Both broke that chain of abuse and brought up a family of good kids in the gospel. I’m thankful every day that my father-in-law decided to take an institute class to “challenge” the teacher but instead got converted and served a mission. I owe him my wife, who is everything to me.
I have had some very sacred experiences with this concept. So I will just say Thank-you – great post,
“Probably because it was a stupid question.” Seriously! Whoever said there is no stupid questions is well… starting to sound judgemental here. Great post. I am the oldest and my parents raised me by reminding me that I am the older sibling and I have to set the example. It was an awesome responsibility and I really hope I did my job well for their sake.
My 12yo son’s friend has an older brother who has chosen not to serve a mission, preferring instead his truck and his girlfriend (his girlfriend, a new convert, ironically has encouraged him to go). Which is a short-sighted decision that has implications for his own life. But worse is what he told his brothers about it — he says he’s not going because it’s a “waste of time.” I worry that my son’s friend will have a harder time going because of his brother’s example.
Isn’t there a saying about a chain is only as strong as its weakest link? Or something like that…I think that you are dead on, we are our brothers keeper, our sisters keeper too. So when there is a weak link in our family chain we are all called upon to help strengthen it- no? Its funny because I had a conversation the other day with one of my brothers about a situation with a “weak link”. We are trying to help, we have tried almost everything and nothing is working. We will eventually figure it out. I also had a thought that sometimes the “weak link” isn’t really weak at all, just because that is how we perceive that person to be doesn’t necessarily mean that is the truth. In my husband’s family for example those that appear on the surface to be the “weak links” are actually probably the strongest ones. Those that appear to be the strongest are the ones in most need of assistance. Perception has a lot to do with it I think. Since we are in control of our own perceptions and how we choose to see things then maybe we should try harder to see the reality not just what we think is whats real. I don’t think I am making much sense and communicating what I was trying too…ah well, great post MMM thanks for sharing.
Nice. We ARE keepers.
I wasn’t feeling well yesterday; I think I had the flu but I was heartsick as well. I was stuck in a meeting for 7 hours and knew that the kitchen I left in a mess might still be in that condition when I came how. I left a half-hopeful post-it note on my desk (in front of the favorite computer) asking them to clean up because a messy house is discouraging.
I came home to clean and peaceful. Their older sister came over and marshaled the ranks and cooked sausage and waffles for them in return, as they had watched her little munchkins while she did a photo shoot. It doesn’t happen all the time because I’m an inconsistent parent, but I think they do get the fact that, at least some days, they’re keepers.
You’re dead right. Little matters more than being keepers for one another.
Thanks MMM…yes, we are our brothers’ keepers. I am the only one currently in the link in my extended family. It is very difficult and painful.
We worried for a long time about the example of our #1 FOML. Luckily for us, the prayers, teaching, and example set for him somehow took root and when he saw other people living the gospel the way his parents did, he took up the torch and has been/is currently a stellar example of gospel living! Hooray! But as mother, that was my biggest hitting point…..think about the little children. You may not want this, you may choose to throw it away…but don’t sour the little ones, let them decide for themselves. Yea for older brothers who feel the weight of their callings and position…whether they are #1 or #8!!
We have many chain-breakers in my family, including my mom, both of my brothers, and all of my sisters. I broke the chain for a short period of time. Our family is a great example of why women are smarter than men. ALL of the women linked themselves to the chain again, and brought their families. My brothers, however, are still chainless. And we pray for them constantly to get their heads out of their rears… because that’s where they are… firmly.