I’m a teaser.
Not a tease, a teaser. I have fun teasing people – joking with them, making light, being snarky, caustic, and sarcastic. Yes, it should probably be considered a flaw. (link here) I also enjoy banter – the back-and-forth with quick-witted people. (Think Philadelphia Story, but with no alcohol.)
Most of my good friends have the ability to take a joke and fire right back, which is one of the reasons they are my friends. These friends follow my easily-disproven theory that the smarter a person is, the funnier they should be. I enjoy hanging around with quick-witted, smart people in the hopes that it might prove contagious in some form.
This is most likely an extension of my childhood, where you had to be on your toes at the dinner table to even keep up. Debate and humor was just part of growing up. As was my sister calling me “obnoxious.”
The election brought with it an entirely new level of banter and acerbic conversation – especially online. Twitter and Facebook became verbal petri-dishes of rancour and attack. It was staggering to see how mean it could get. But on the funnier side, it was amazing how much wit was on display. And that is where it gets difficult. A perfectly fun conversation can suddenly turn ugly, or a serious discussion can fall victim to mockery. What was a great conversation in one minute could quickly descend into a pit of aggressive dogma and hurt feelings.
Many people think that they have a thick skin, and climb into the ring to “have a go.” One of the best of them is Mike Henneke – when he gets on Facebook, he can dish it out, and it seems that he can take it as well, but I can’t help but think that there have been many, many nights where MIke has turned off his computer and cried himself to sleep.
Some people are just not wired for a good verbal slap-fight. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) They think they are, but you find them taking offense where none was intended, or replying by crossing the magic line between fun and flat-out mean. Here’s a hint: If you have unfriended more than a few people because they hurt your feelings – that would be you.
I also know that sometimes when the words get flying, on screen or in real life, things get out of hand. Which brings me to one of my favorite quotes – a quote I have remembered since I was a teenager. (Probably because I use it often when apologizing to people.)
This quote is attributed to Bion, a Greek philosopher, poet, and apparent plagiarist – because Aesoph said something similar some 500 years earlier in one of his Fables.
Yet, the idea that it is the sole responsibility of the person who can’t take a hit to stay out of the ring doesn’t sit right. Just because a frog finds itself in the line of sight does not give the boys the right to start hurling rocks at it. We do have a responsibility to be kind. And that includes being kind to people we don’t really know.
I have a lot of FB friends, and witty, attractive readers. Sometimes we get into rather heated, or silly discussions, and I’ll admit – I proceed with the assumption that they can take a joke, or a hit. This has proven to be dangerous. I know I have killed my share of frogs in the name of debate and fun. It is easy to go too far. Many times I have frantically searched for the non-existent “un-send” button on my keyboard. And I have often wanted to grab recently spewed words out of the air and cram them back into my mouth. Rest assured, I have done my share of apologizing, too.
One advantage of the election cycle drawing to a close is that talking about politics is custom-built for giving and taking offense – as is religion. This election had both! Things we feel strongly about cause us to react differently. I have received comments from people who I have offended by making light of church culture where no offense was intended. Some very surprising because the thing that had offended them had not even registered on my radar.
We all have different levels of teasing tolerance. It would take a lot to offend me, and I cannot imagine a scenario where someone could say something to me that was so hurtful that it would keep me away from church. And that would include one of the Apostles openly mocking me, by name, in General Conference. I would still show up the next Sunday, just to watch people’s reactions. So I truly don’t empathize with anyone who has ever left the church, because of what someone said to them. It would be the ultimate act of “cutting off one’s nose to spite one’s face.” Hopefully, my pride and emotion will never outweigh my testimony.
Frogicide. Right. You will note I keep drifting back to the frogs, and not the stone-throwers, which makes it readily apparent which camp I frequent most.
In my banter with you on Facebook, and in my blog comments, I never intend to hurt feelings. If I have, I apologize. I know I have lost a couple of dear friends because of political debate. It is sad.
So, next time you have a great comeback blinking on your screen, just waiting for you to hit send, pause for a second and ask yourself if you should.
“Let us oft speak kind words to each other, at home or where’ere we may be.”
Sure, it’s not as fun, but it would leave fewer emotional frog corpses in our wakes – and that is a good thing.
Good point! It’s not worth an injured relationship with those we care about.
So all the negative Miracle Whip comments… you were just kidding. What a weight off my shoulders.
Our family motto:
If it’s worth taking seriously,
it’s worth making fun of.
(Tom Lehrer)
What I learned from this post:
1) Being a jerk happens, but taking offense is the one true sin
2) Wit can cover a multitude of sins
3) Ego makes the best armor 😉
Once again, thanks for helping me with my RS Lesson this month — it is on kindness. I hope it’s okay if I borrow some quotes 🙂 Maybe you could do a post (or perhaps you already have) on how you got so smart and what books you have read in life.
Thank you for this, just had a friend get really hurt on FB. The worst part is she is less active, part member family and was on her way to coming back. Now she says she doesn’t feel loved and doesn’t want to come to church because of the things people said on this post of hers. Frustrating that the people saying it weren’t even close friends at all. Thankfully she is still friends with many of us who do love her and hopefully she can get past this and quickly. Thanks for your post.
I grew up in a house full of siblings who “threw rocks” at each other. I like to think I handle things well. Some people are quick to be offended but those people should also know their company. I haven’t been following you for long but I know any kind of whit and banter you post is all in good fun. It’s sad to lose friends and family over silly things. Most often the offender doesn’t even know they did anything wrong. I really enjoyed this post and feel very much the same about it all as you do. We all know too that when we stand before Christ and he asks why “whoever” said “whatever” and we stopped going to church or doing the things we should, that being offended will not be a good or valid reason.
True and I hope it never happens to any of your children.
It is never as simple as one thing… It is something I hope I never experience, and my heart goes out to those who have.
I hope I am never on the receiving end or on the end that causes something like that. We are human and it is difficult to control our reactions sometimes. I actually have a sister who left the church and some of her reasons have to do with things members did. It is very sad. I hope I didn’t sound insensitive, I didn’t mean to be.
What is really, really sad is all the hate, rancor and name-calling that has taken place, especially on FB, during this election cycle. Last I checked, people are not asked their political party or who they last voted for in temple recommend interviews, yet some of the comments and name calling of those on the “other” side have been right down vicious and unChristian. Isn’t the gospel for everyone, or just Republicans? Wake up all you Good Mormons out there. You are turning people away from the church and destroying families with this nasty political speech. My comments are not aimed at you MMM because I like your blog and do find your FB comments amusing. Your posts and comments are well thought out and clever NOT mean spirited like some of the things I have seen posted my some of my fellow ward members this week. I have a close family member (my son) who has now left the church because some members of the ward considered him too “liberal” and told him so. His crime was that he learned to love the outdoors and care for the environment as an Eagle Scout–and came to identify himself as an environmentalist. In too many wards, there is only one politically correct way to think, or you are considered an unworthy outcast.
I really like this post, well done MMM. I have often wondered about this with you, if you are just being sarcastic or if you are serious. I think we all are ultimately responsible for whatever comes out of our mouth or whatever we type on the keyboard. There have been a few times on your page where there has been a lot of inuendo flying, then when called on it, it suddenly turns to what? Where has your mind been? I’ve noticed its always either you or one of your male fb friends that says that too. Honestly I always chalked that up to gender differences. I find it amusing and it reminds me of Jr. High in Utah, maybe that is how Jr. High is everywhere? Probably…Your posts are entertaining and fun, I say keep it up. Especially now that I see that you are aware that things can be taken the wrong way now and then. This little frog is still standing and swimming in the pond, that should say something considering that we are the political antithesis of one another. Your an awesome friend!
Sarcasm is one of the languages of love openly spoken in my family, but everyone is fluent in it and on the same page. I have come to realize that unfortunately, it is not the language of choice for everyone outside the family and have had to recalibrate my comments accordingly. That being said, the violent, hostile comments exchanged in this election process have been deplorable and are inexcusable. I wish many had stopped at merely snarky.
Thanks for always brightening up my day, MMM.
Love your quotes. Love this post. Love your wit.
It’s fun when my husband and I are sarcastic because we usually avoid sarcasm in our marriage. Sarcasm can be a nice ice breaker and fun in public and for entertainment but when I met my husband most people couldn’t tell his sarcasm from regular talking (because there was no difference) and he had some roommates that truly thought he hated them for an entire semester because he was always teasing them and they thought he was serious.
I just wanted to say about people getting offended and not coming to church I think the reason is that they are very much hurting and someone at church pours lemon juice in their wound so to speak. Since you (and I) are not hurting and broken like that we can’t begin to imagine that something someone merely says or does could shake who we are and what we believe. Getting to know my in-laws has opened my perspective.
When I was growing up the other YW were the biggest jerks but that didn’t really change anything for me since I had a strong gospel foundation and stable family life thanks to my parents. If I had been broken it might really cost me something spiritually.
-Paige
This is good advice. There’s always a little truth in every joke. I know people who can’t even be on facebook because they get offended so easily. We could all do a little better at being kinder to our online associates. The best kind of jokes are the ones that build people up at the same time. That’s a true talent.
So basically what you’re saying is that sarcasm and stuff is generally bad (like throwing rocks at poor defenseless frogs); however, if we get snark from you we should be flattered, not offended.
Mmhmm…
I have no idea where you came up with the idea that anyone should be flattered by anything….
1) Sarcasm and stuff is generally bad, and is something a lot of us need to work on.
2) If you can handle it, come play.
3) If you can’t handle it, don’t play.
I guess I got it from these lines
“Most of my good friends have the ability to take a joke and fire right back, which is one of the reasons they are my friends. These friends follow my easily-disproven theory that the smarter a person is, the funnier they should be. I enjoy hanging around with quick-witted, smart people in the hopes that it might prove contagious in some form.”
Which I interpret as,
1) If you can take a joke and fire back, you’re in. (–as in, you can be my friend)
2) The ability engage in such banter means you are smart and quick-witted.
And un-related to that specific quote, but implied throughout-
3) Being thick skinned makes you a better person.
But perhaps I’m reading too much into it. I’d hate to accuse you of having that big of an ego.
The problem with your argument is the assumption that someone who is my friend would feel flattered. They probably consider it a burden. I’ll check.
It is true. I would rather hang around smart, quick-witted people. Is that a bad thing? I guess I could make a better effort to hang around with dumb, slow-witted people – but I don’t know many of us who actively seek that.
Does being thick-skinned make us a better person? Elder Bednar seems to make that case:
“However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.”
I rest my case.
(By the way, self-deprecation coming from a sarcastic person is egotism, but I won’t judge you for it.)
You just did.
Cathy is right. The only time I cry myself to sleep at night is when the boys find where I’ve hidden the pizza.
I am also a big tease, often to my detriment. But when folks need me when it gets tough, they won’t find a more loyal friend in their foxhole.
I’m surprised you didn’t link to Elder Holland’s April 2007 conference talk “The Toungue of Angels” especially his comment towards the end:
“So, brothers and sisters, in this long eternal quest to be more like our Savior, may we try to be “perfect” men and women in at least this one way now—by offending not in word, or more positively put, by speaking with a new tongue, the tongue of angels. Our words, like our deeds, should be filled with faith and hope and charity, the three great Christian imperatives so desperately needed in the world today. With such words, spoken under the influence of the Spirit, tears can be dried, hearts can be healed, lives can be elevated, hope can return, confidence can prevail.”
I left it off so you could have a moment in the sun. Well done, anonymous.
I claim this guy. As in, I’m married to him. But only this one, not all “Anonymous” people.
You are married to Elder Holland? Cool!
Hmm, no. Though I have been accused of being married to all sorts of different people, George Clooney for one, this is not the case. Just anonymous. Who happens to like quoting apostles.
I can take some things with no problem but there are a few that cross my borders of right/wrong. I find your blogs wonderful but FB is a different story. I told my daughter that on FB you are Dr Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. I almost defriended you on FB but I just wrote Forgive and Forget 100 times instead.
But now I’m worried abt Mike. He’s one of my favorite commenters.
Thank for making my point so well.
Don’t worry about Mike, he’s fine.
Queen Elizabeth called the King of France her “frog”- as a term of endearment. That’s all. I’m the smart friend.
I don’t typically enjoy sarcasm. Having a laugh at the expense of someone else doesn’t make me happy. I do occasionally say something mean to get a laugh and almost always regret it.
I don’t like the stigma that if you aren’t “good” at being sarcastic that you are slow or boring. While I might actually be both of those things, I think not being sarcastic means you are a nice person; not a stupid one.
I remember on my mission (when we rode dinosaurs to our tracting area…) I had a particular companion; our entire relationship was built on sarcastic humor. It was funny at first, and seemed kind of ice-breaker stuff. But the longer it went on, the more painful it was, for both of us. Just before he was transferred away (after about three months) we discussed it and agreed that it probably wasn’t the best way to develop a solid working relationship.
I’ve carried that conversation with me ever since and tried hard to check my snarkiness from time to time. My lovely wife is a bit like you EC — not quite so comfortable in the Land of the Snarks. (My boys, on the other hand…) I’ve tried to help my kids develop a sense of humor and a little bit of a thick skin, but my lovely wife helps me keep from stepping over the line.
When I was in YW (I was on the dinosaur in front of you) we had a fireside. The young sister who spoke talked about being very careful about teasing as that was what ended her marriage. She and her husband “teased” each other about their faults hoping it would wake them up and they would change. She said if you have a problem with something about your spouse (friend) state it carefully and lovingly and then let it go. I don’t remember any other talk from my youth but that one and I’ve tried to always practice it.
Smart of you to recognize that with your companion and correct and remember it.
I just know that elections did not used to be so terrifying. You were either Democrat or Republican and that was that. I don’t remember death threats if you were one or the other. It’s like the retoric people of today think they have invented parties and voting. And those who do not agree with them, or us, or whoever, is up for grabs in the hate department. It’s ridiculous. My mother was Democrat and my father was Republican. They just voted. They never fought tooth and nail about it. It’s just gone balistic. And I don’t mean rifles. Or maybe I do.
Let us oft speak kind words to each other I used to play that hymn whenever my mother wanted to speak to my husband on the phone before we were married… 🙂
totally agree. though I’m one of those who finds it incredibly fun to “throw stones at the frogs” but I hate being the frog. I’ve had a hard time learning to get out of the kitchen.
Poor frogs.
I really think someone needs to invent a special sarcasm font so that misunderstandings can be avoided.
But then again, some people probably still won’t get it, like that web designer friend of mine that was having trouble figuring out her iPhone and she de-friended me right after I might have implied that her smart phone might be smarter than her……
I speak sarcasm, and I’ve taught it to my children. Even the 7 year old gets it.
I didn’t lose any Facebook friends over this election, but I did lose respect for many, not for their views, but for the way they presented them.
Came here via Melissa, I will be back 🙂
sarcasm font…genius. because 🙂 just doesn’t cut it.
I do actually know Mike personally and if he has continued to be friends with my dad for 20 something years, I assure you he can take it and if there are any tears cried at night, it is because one of his boys ate the last Twix.
It always seems to circle back around to Twix.
I love to debate and also am like wise sarcastic but I too have killed frogs when I didn’t mean too. I’ve drastically cut back. But sometimes I get sucked in. I wrote an awesome witty post for your Twilight post yesterday but I did not hit send. I was very proud of myself!
Too bad. Twilight is fair game.
NO WAY! I was first?? It’s a post-election miracle!
That reminds me. Is there a good picture of you that I could put on this post to illustrate the principle?
Frogicide. Interesting take on it.
I really don’t know how to interact with other people without teasing, sarcasm and snark. Actually, it’s really my language of love. If I tease you, I like you. Plain and simple.
I should prolly repent and figure out a new language of love – but I suck at casserole’s so…..