It is late at night. You are lying in bed, revisiting the events of your day. Overall, it was a pretty good day – with one small exception: That one guy/girl made that comment to you that was so wrong, so inappropriate, so insulting, that you stood there – frozen – speechless. Your mind went absolutely blank, and you offered no reply at all. You had nothing.
The next morning you wake up, and the first thing that pops into your brain is the perfect comeback. A riposte so brilliant, so witty, so devastating that you adversary would have been deservedly reduced to a puddle of tears. The response that you had desperately searched for the day before now decides to make an appearance.
Alas! It is too late. Grrrr!
Turns out there is an expression for that situation. It is French, from the nation that excels at snark. The phrase is “L’espirit de l’escalier.” Translated, it means “Staircase Wit.”
It is derived from the idea that you will come up with the perfect response as you are walking down the stairs, as you are leaving a party. Unfortunately, the perfect comeback rarely comes out at the perfect moment, and we get stuck saying something like this:
Yeah, not such a great comeback. (It was either Pee Wee or Joe Biden. I like Pee Wee, I like him.)
We enjoy being clever, and with social media, we can share our cleverness with the world. But with that comes the ability to share our lack of cleverness with the world. And many, many, or us can’t tell the difference.
I am guilty of trying to be too clever and snarky at times. Once in a while I will hit a solid double, and occasionally knock one out of the park, but mostly there are a lot of strikes and some really weak singles.
And then there are the comments from others that are an attempt at wit, that I just don’t understand. I’ll sit there and read it again, and try and figure out if I just don’t get the joke, or is it really just a bad joke.
Sadly, I am afraid that insult, snark and sarcasm are too highly overrated. I know they are to me. You could accurately say that for me, sarcasm is a weapon of choice.
Check out this quote from President Hinckley from 2001:
Rats. He specifically called for us to be less sarcastic. I hate it when someone calls me out on one of my defining features.
Maybe one of the reasons we have that immediate stupor that results in “Staircase Wit” is for self-preservation. I am convinced that if I were just a little bit quicker, I would get punched now and again. (Hmmm. Maybe we should request a “punch” button on Facebook.)
I will admit that the inability to always fire back is a good thing that allows us a moment to either turn the other cheek, or check our feelings, and filter our words. There is not always a delete button.
The worst combination is a quick, sharp tongue, coupled with an inadequate filter. We all know some of those. And if my EC tries to argue that I am talking about myself, I will think of some witty retort. Tomorrow.
mormon humorist lds satire humor
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Can we make a case for a little gentle sarcasm? Can’t that be like Diet Coke, a personal choice? Moderation in all things. There has to be a loophole. I have found that a little gentle sarcasm, like mild chili peppers, can enhance the flavor of relationships. For example, once my youngest stepson told me he was going to work hard on his mission because he had heard that God would bless you with a beautiful wife. I said, “Your Dad must have worked very hard on his mission to have had TWO such beautiful wives.” Without skipping a beat, he said, “I hear he worked very hard the first half and then slacked off.” Was I hurt? Did I cry? No, it totally cracked me up and I gave him points for being so clever and it actually bonded us closer as son and stepmother because he knew he could kid around with me. Your “FOOL” comment above fits the bill. When my son met President Hinckley at the dedication of the Kona Temple, he was sporting his last pre-mission beard, the one I called the “Amish Wino.” Pres. Hinckley shook his hand and asked if he lived in Hawaii. When he said he did not, Pres. Hinckley quipped, “Oh, you look like you have been on an island for a very long time.” Way more memorable for my son than anything else President Hinckley might have said. So I am for sarcasm-lite. Not hurtful, without the bite but capable of enhancing the bond.
I second the “punch” button for Facebook. Any opposed?
I had a class (this day was something about conversation and marriage) once where the teachers said that the Spirit of the Lord can not be in a conversation with any sarcasm.
I heard someone once say sarcasm is humor dressed up in barbed wire and another say sarcasm is a cowardly act of criticism veiled in humor. It can be good for an easy laugh but is caustic to many. What I’ve found is while the victim of the sarcasm can appreciate the humor and is not hurt sometimes others within earshot are not as hearty and feel heartbreak in their stead. Dangerous stuff and I’m prone to using it- trying to give it up altogether.
do you not have an email address for your blog? i keep wanting to email you but can’t find it around here.
middleagedmormonman@gmail.com. I’m so excited to get an email!
There is a comedian who somewhat addresses this issue. I wish I could think of his name right now. He talks about how his girlfriend has extreme road rage. One day after a particularly bad bout, he tells her that she acts like that because she’s never been punched in the face. He then explains imagine if the object of your rage followed you until you got out of your car and then punched you in the face, you’d think twice about having rage again.
This same principle applies to a lot of things in life.
France is the nation that excels at snark?!?! Well no wonder! Since my last name is French and my fathers people are Basque sheepherders (on the border of Spain and France), I believe I can now employ the genetics excuse.
And I completely forgot about his quote from President Hinckley. One more vice for me to work on. *sigh* – sometimes I feel I am a lost cause…..
mais oui.
Very much reminds me of “the jerk store” episode of Seinfeld. Classic.
My Husband and I try very hard to keep comments we would like to say to others, generally biting, in reserve for marital ‘venting’ sessions. Often times he will call me in the middle of the day, after dealing with a particularly hostile, or just interesting person and say “this is what I wanted to say”. I usually do the same to him after spending about 20 minutes with his mother. So we get to share our wit and cleverness with one another, instead of letting it fly at our actual target.
This is the reason I have sworn of internet right-fighting. No one knows I have ASD, so it comes of as being rude, and telling people off- when I am just being honest. I do cross lines, however, poeple that know me- and see my real life fruits- not just what they get online, know my heart is good. My trial has been accepting myself, and not trying to change something I can’t. When I am under stress or tired, the filter gets harder to keep in place. My friends know this. More importantly, the Lord knows this. There is a price to pay when you have intellectual gifts, and dont think I haven’t bargained with God to trade them out for better social skills. If I was missing legs, no one would ask me to walk, yet people freely judge my intents,and get all riled up. So I will stick with my real life friends who see the entire picture…Its easier.
This post adds to my suspicion that you are an English teacher/professor
Let me get this straight: My use of an obscure French idiom reenforces your belief that I teach English? Works for me!
That and the fact that you deal with people saying ridiculous things all day, and you always feel the need to call out my literary vocabulary and grammar police your fans. Also, you still have lots of work to do when you get home like maybe grading papers I imagine yourself holding yourself back every time you have to read an ill conceived essay by those liberal punk students of yours.
You have put way too much thought into this. We need to find you a hobby. Suggestions, anyone?
He can’t be an English teacher. They seldom have a sense of humor.
And they don’t regularly travel internationally…(Africa was it in the oj story about forgiveness)? I’m too lazy to check.
To Pee Wee’s credit, he had some great comebacks later in the film like: “Butler: Frances is having his bath. Pee Wee: Oh yeah, where are they hosing him off?” Anyway, as the father of many small children, I hear a lot of stupid comments implying negligence or irresponsibility on my part. Someone told my EC the other day that she felt sorry for her for having so many kids. Ridiculous. I’ve crafted a few perfect comebacks, but at the end of the day, a good comeback won’t stop people from saying stupid things. Instead I try to focus on not let things like that bother me. Why should I care what stupid people think about me?
This is good advise. I’m thinking of making wall hangings of Pres.Hinckley’s quote for a couple of my descendents. Now could you do a blog on excessive use of movie quotes? A Pres. Hinckley quote abt that would be nice also. I miss Pres. Hinckley.
One of my favorite sayings goes like this: “It is better to remain silent and have others think you’re an idiot than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” I love the counsel from Pres. Hinckley. Except the “accentuate the positive” part. Not because it’s bad advice, but because I read that and then hear The Andrews Sisters and Bing Crosby singing “You’ve got to…ack-sseeennnttt U ate the positive, E lllliiiiimmm inate the negative…” all.day.long.
In my head it’s Jimmy Durante. And it will be stuck there for a while.
My EC and I decided early in our marriage that we wouldn’t use sarcasm. I’m glad we did, but it still creeps in every once in a while.
By the way, I had a thought yesterday. Instead of “My” in FOML, shouldn’t it be “Our,” and FOOL? Seems like FOOL1, FOOL2, etc., could be more appropriate sometimes.
FOOL might work better for YOUR kids…
Rats. Was that sarcastic?
I ran into this yesterday as I was dropping my younguns off at school. A woman stepped out between parked vehicles with about five small children and proceeded to cross in front of me. She had her hand up in the stop sign, like she had the right of way. I gave her a dirty look which brought on many f bombs directed my way. She was literally steps from the crosswalk. As she got to the other side, still throwing bombs at me, I drove away. As I fumed, I finally realized what I should have yelled back. “USE THE CROSSWALK, LAZY!!’ Of course, I would never use the vocab she did. And I really wish I had thought of it sooner.
This reminds me of a scene from “You’ve Got Mail.” Meg Ryan is talking about how she wishes she could have that perfect comeback and say exactly how she feels…but then when she does, she regrets it.
Great example. Great chick-flick.
I have only once in my life come up with the perfect retort. My ex-husband was getting remarried, and had asked our children to be bridesmaids but hadn’t invited me. I was going to sit in the car and wait during the wedding. He was evidently feeling a bit embarrassed about that because he asked me, “Are you upset that I didn’t invite you to me wedding?”
And just like that I replied, “No, that’s fine, I wish I hadn’t gone to your last one.”
Anna: Great comeback. So the first witty comment out of the gate completely negates the intent of my blog. (But you should be proud of that riposte.)
Awesome response!!
I am indeed proud of my one and only great riposte, which is why I mentioned it at every opportunity. But sorry to negate your post. I will endeavour never to use sarcasm again.