We Are at War – Encore

HM:  Hope you are all having a miserable morning.  It has been 17 years since the document “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” was issued by our enemies in the Mormon Church. As you know, this document has served as a great motivator for us as we look to destroy all that is “good” on the earth. In an attempt to keep this brief, I will ask for specific reports.

First, how is the battle against gender-definition going?

SAI-G:  Um.  That would be me.  Going good.

HM: That is your report? “Going good”? I will need more detail, or you will need more flogging.

SAI-G:  Well, it has been going OK for a while now. We have been working really hard to “normalize” the idea that gender is not really that big of a deal, and that you can change it if you don’t like what you originally got when you came to earth.

HM: And how are you doing this?

SAI-G:  First, we have some really good technology that helps people actually make the physical change. And from the social aspect, popular culture has made it a lot easier – there is a very vocal minority that is really, really loud. Loud and proud. We tap into that.

HM: I heard you have had some major successes lately – one in particular.

SAI-G: Yeah, it has been crazy. We were able to get a transgendered woman/man onto one of the most popular TV shows in America. Everyone is writing about it, people talk about it and use words like “bravery” and “courage” – and the applause is amazing. It has gone a long way in normalizing transgender issues. We figure it will make it a lot easier for other people to make the switch.

Adversary: Well done.

HM:  How is the whole marriage thing going?

SAI-M:  That would be me.  It is going pretty well. You know all about the whole California fiasco a couple of years ago. We are still trying to work that though in the court system. Lots of other states are coming around – it is just a matter of time. One of the most satisfying things is that even though the LDS leaders have come right out and declared that marriage is “between a man and a woman” a lot of supposedly strong church members have come out and said that they are pushing for gay marriage anyway. It is hysterical.

HM:  You mean to tell me that active church members are willfully disregarding the counsel of their leaders and supporting gay marriage?  That is a bit hard to believe…

SAI-M:  I know it sounds hard to believe – but, you’ve gotta admit, it works for us. You should have seen the way they took out after Boyd K. Packer last year.  Overall, I think we have just about “redefined” marriage to where it is getting meaningless.

Adversary: Packer?  I don’t like him. Not one bit.

HM:  Anything else?

Adversary: No. I just really hate Packer.

SAI-M:  One other piece of good news.  We managed to slide  the whole gay marriage issue into the most popular TV comedies in America. It makes it look even more normal – and the shows are hysterical – and everybody watches them. They are probably too busy laughing to realize what they are buying into.

Adversary:   I have seen them. They are really funny, one of them even won a bunch of Emmy Awards. I’m impressed.  Get it? Imp-pressed? Nevermind.

HM: Quick report on family structure? Anyone?

SAI-F:   A quick report is that we are doing a good job in convincing everyone that the “traditional family” is dead and gone.

HM:  That is quite a bold statement. And how can you back it up?

SAI-F:  Statistics!  Just Google “marriage” and look at the current news. Everyday there is some new study, report or editorial that shows that we just about have this knocked out.  Also, we have tweaked the economy, which has helped us get a lot of young men to hold off on getting married until late – if ever.  One of my favorite things is watching the church leaders get up every six months and tell the men to turn off the video games and get married.  I love it. Also, huge numbers of children are now being raised in homes where there is no father. Dads have become “optional”. And we all know how that messes things up.

Adversary:  This is great news!  We all know that if there is no dad in the home, we have a much better shot at taking those kids down. (applause)  What about sex?

HM: Sex?

Adversary: Yes. I would like a report about sex.

HM: OK. It is everywhere! We have done a great job of sexualizing everything. TV, movies, clothes, education. Everybody’s doing it, everyone talks about it. We have almost completely obliterated any kind of restraint from society. And porn is everywhere and really easy to get to. The porn guys should be commended for doing such a great job. (Big applause)

Head Porn Imp: Thanks, I appreciate it.

Adversary: Excellent. Sex is a great weapon. Interesting how God took something so important and gave it to every bozo on earth. It almost makes our job too easy.

HM:  Anyone want to weigh in with anything else?

SAI-W:  Sir, I don’t want to look like a kiss-up, but I would like to point out that your idea – way back – that we should encourage women to enter the workforce was genius. Because the economy is so screwed up, a lot more women need to work outside the home, and they aren’t doing us any favors. But there are lots of women that are working so they have enough money to buy bigger houses, better cars, or even plastic surgery. I know – but I promise It’s true!  In some families mom makes the money and dad stays home.

HM: That is completely backwards. Excellent.

Adversary:   Well, we need to wrap this up, we have plenty more evil to do. I want to thank you for your efforts in “normalizing” the behaviors and lifestyles that our enemies are fighting against. Be warned: We don’t have forever, so we need to take out as many people as we can before it all gets wrapped up.  We still hate that “Proclamation” – do whatever it takes to knock it down.  Watch out for those Mormons – they will do everything they can to prop it back up. The most dangerous ones are the ones that actually believe it, and are trying to live it.

And thank you all for your hard work. You will eventually be rewarded for your service with an eternity of fire, brimstone and suffering. Remember, I hate all of you. Well done.