MMM note: Today’s guest post is from Paul, who blogs at www.alatterdayvoice.blogspot.com. Now Paul is a smart guy, and has oodles of church life and leadership experience to draw on. He is also a guy who has absolutely no problem calling me out when he thinks I am wrong. But, I believe we respect each other, and I believe the manner that we disagree reflects that. That said, we agree far more often than not, and I’m still trying to bring him over to my side on a few issues…. He is a great guy, and I am happy to have him guest-posting today. Thanks Paul!
There’s occasionally discussion of a conundrum in gospel teaching. None of us is perfect, yet we’re all teaching one another the gospel so that we can do as the Savior commanded us, and become perfect. As a result, much of what we teach is, as a good friend of mine says, “aspirational.”
You know how this goes: you teach a lesson on missionary work knowing full well that you’re a bit of a slug in that department, or you teach about family relations and all you can remember is the disagreement you and your lovely spouse had over something insignificant that morning.
There’s an extended concern some people raise, namely that we teach a standard that is unachievable, and we therefore put ourselves in the impossible position of always trying, but never attaining it. In so doing we become discouraged (at least) or disaffected (at worst). None of those responses seem consistent with the Savior’s injunction that His yolk is easy and His burden is light.
How does The Family: A Proclamation to the World cope with that conundrum?
First, the standards are established in the Proclamation:
- Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God
- The family is central to the Creator’s plan for us and is ordained of God
- We are all created in the image of God, and each of us is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents
- We all worshiped God in the pre-mortal existence and accepted the present plan of salvation
- Temple covenants allow family relationships to extend beyond the grave
- The powers of procreation, consistent with God’s command to Adam & Eve, are to be used within a marriage between a husband and wife
- Husbands & wives should love each other and care for their children, rearing them in love and righteousness, providing for their physical & spiritual needs, teaching them to love & serve one another and to be obedient to the laws of God and man
- Children are entitled to be born to parents who are married and to be reared by parents who honor their marital vows and are completely faithful to one another
- Happiness is most likely when families live within the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ, organizing their families accordingly
- Those who violate covenants or fail to fulfill family responsibilities will stand accountable before God, and the disintegration of families will bring consequences to individuals, communities and nations
Is the bar too high? Who could feel left out or uncomfortable by these mileposts? Well, there are probably some:
- Unmarried adults. Although the proclamation never says it’s evil not to be married, it’s pretty clear that those who are not married are missing out on something that’s “central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.”
- Married couples without children. Whether by choice or for some other reason, childless couples may feel left out of the blessings of family life.
- Single parents and their children. Whether these parents had their children out of wedlock, or are single because of divorce or death of a spouse, they are single. Their children are (perhaps) not enjoying “birth within the bounds of matrimony” or being “reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” They do not have both a father who presides and a mother who nurtures.
- Covenant breakers. There’s pretty harsh language for those who break marital covenants, abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities.
What’s the remedy? Does the Proclamation provide any solace or help? Yes, of course it does.
- Like so many gospel truths, those presented in The Family: A Proclamation to the World appear as opportunities for us. If we find ourselves in families, here is how we can maximize the joy of that circumstance. The Proclamation itself is not a commandment to marry, nor is it a commandment to have children; it is a description of how we can have the best marriages and families we can. Further, it teaches that all of us, married or not, are children of loving heavenly parents, and that blessings accrue to us for that reason alone. The language of the Proclamation says to me, “If you are married, then…” and “If you are a parent, then…”
- The Proclamation itself recognizes that we are not perfect. In the list of qualities that contribute to the most successful families are these: “faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.” Number three and four on that list make clear that the Lord acknowledges (as if He needed to) that we are not perfect. (Of course His real acknowledgement of that fact is far more significant since he gave His own life that we might live and return home to our Father in Heaven.) The fact is that every marriage and every family is made up of imperfect people who (sometimes, at least) are trying to do the best they can.
- The Proclamation recognizes a family’s need to personalize the application of the Proclamation. As it discusses the best chance for happy families, it reminds us: “In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation.” It’s not inconceivable to me that one family might choose to have mom work and dad stay home with the kids because of their individual circumstances, for instance. In another family (in many families today), both parents may need to work, and then they’ll have to sort out how to nurture and provide. Families with only one parent in the home (for whatever the reason) will have to sort out how to carry the whole load of parenting. (Elder Baxter’s http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/faith-fortitude-fulfillment-a-message-to-single-parents?lang=eng words from this past conference still ring in my ears.) It would seem that in some geographic areas, exceptions are the rule, and the Proclamation makes clear that that’s ok.
- Even the covenant breakers will be accountable to God. Covenant breakers do exist, and God knows that. And He will deal with them. It is not up to me to judge someone else. I cannot judge a single dad, wondering what failed in his marriage to put him where he is. I cannot judge a teenage mom and wonder why she made the choices she did. All I can do is follow the admonition of the Proclamation and teach by my example respect, love and compassion. I’m not suggesting that covenant breakers get a pass. They will pay appropriately for their transgressions. But unless I’m in law enforcement, the aggrieved party or the bishop, it won’t be my decision or my concern how that happens.
The Proclamation itself allows for exceptions and teaches clearly that we will not all measure up all the time to the standards of the proclamation. Does that diminish the ideal? No, of course not. Does it change my aspiration to work to have one of those “successful marriages and families”? No, of course not. Does it give me license to teach the ideal and turn a blind eye or deaf ear to the concerns of those who are not living the ideal? No, of course not.
One might argue, if families are “central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children” that the stakes are so high that we should only teach the ideal with rigor, letting the chips fall where they may. But in my view that would be wrong (and inconsistent with the example of the brethren and the Proclamation itself). Indeed, if families are central to that plan (and I believe they are), we should do all we can to lift up the hands that hang down, to comfort those who stand in need of comfort, and to work so that all families of every stripe realize as many blessings taught in the Proclamation as possible. We are among the responsible citizens called upon by the Proclamation to “promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.”
Let us work to promote families in which parents can nurture their children, as well as provide for and protect them. Let us teach one another to practice faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love and compassion – within our families and from one family to the next. Let us accept the standards as aspirational blessings that we seek and take steps to realize those blessings as far as we can, relying that the Lord will recognize our efforts and can make us whole where we fall short.
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| Paul Beer www.alatterdayvoice.blogspot.com |
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Thanks for this post. It’s a good reminder that when my family falls short of the ideal (as all families are likely to in one way or another) the proclamation is not here to condemn us, is here to give us the direction that will ultimately make our family happier.
Wonderful post. It made me think of my sister who is 36 and not married. She has been a faithful member of the church her whole life. She has made a commitment to herself and God that she will not marry outside the temple, which has resulted in the breakup with people who were potential spouses. When I think of rearing a family in righteousness I think beyond just my own family. I know my sister is a wonderful example to my children, more so sometimes than myself. She lives with us and many times has been the one keeping us consistent with FHE and family prayer. I know the responsibility is ultimately that of me and my spouse but I do feel like there is a responsibility on all of us to look out for our extended family and even friends as well.
I also have a sister who is inactive and so her kids don’t go to church. I certainly feel a responsibility to them and to be a good example and use every available opportunity to teach. It’s difficult to see some of my family not in the church but it brings me joy to be an example to them and reach out to them when I can. I love my nieces and hope my influence on them will someday make a difference.
(Sorry, I know that wasn’t so much what the post was about but it’s what the post brought to mind for me so thank you!)
I think you’ve captured a lot of what the post is about. We need to do whatever we can to encourage good strong families — within our own and among others we know.
My own sister did not marry until her 30’s, yet she was The aunt to my oldest boys and played a huge role in their lives when they were little and we lived close by.
I gave a Mother’s Day talk in those days in our ward and spoke at length of the mothering influence of many in the lives of our children. (The highest praise I received for that talk was that one sister — a veteran mom of a bunch of kids — told me it was the first MD talk she’d heard in a long time that didn’t make her feel guilty!)
Barbara, I’m so glad that you commented and shared your perspective. I think you hit on something important: it does hurt when we don’t live the ideal — that’s true for all of us, whether we have the outward appearance of the ideal or not.
I also am grateful for the atonement’s power to help us right our ships, so to speak, to align ourselves with God’s will.
Thank you for your words about the families that do not fit the perfect mold. I am one of those. I believe in the truths taught in the Proclamation & it hurts not to be living the ideal even though I certainly do not take full blame for the failure of my marriage. Of course, there are many gospel principles that I do not manage the ideal! I am grateful for a gospel of forgiveness, growth and progress.
As I read this post, I was reminded of the talk Elder Scott gave in the April 2001 general conference. He said: “Living a pattern of life as close as possible to the ideal will provide much happiness, great satisfaction, and impressive growth while here on earth regardless of your current life circumstances.”
How will we know what we’re striving towards if no one ever teaches the doctrine of the ideal family? I’m grateful we have the Proclamation, and living prophets to continue to guide us, along with great friends who provide new thoughts to ponder. Thanks, Paul, for sharing!
Becky: That is a great quote from Elder Scott. Thanks!
Hey…thanx for this post. I had a discussion with my RS president just last night. I can’t wait to forward this to her.
Thanks for the post.
Thanks, all, for the supportive comments, and thanks, MMM for inviting me to join the celebration!
Missy, thanks for sharing Sister Oaks’ experience. I have a sister who married later than most, too. I have another sister who has divorced. Life certainly is complicated, and few of us live a whole life “as planned.” It’s good to be submissive to the Lord’s timetable, and to be supportive of one another along the way.
Thanks for sharing this MMM and Paul! I love what you said about families that do not necessarily fit into the mold prescribed by the proclamation. Like single parent families especially. It isn’t for us to judge how or why they are in that position and we are commanded to just be supportive and do the best that we can. I think its important to remember that everyone has a different time table, and the Lord has his time table, he knows what is best for us. I heard that Sister Oaks spoke about this at the Utah County Regional stake Conference last week. That she didn’t get married until she was in her 50’s and all of those years she wondered why the Lord was not blessing her with a husband and a family. The truth is the Lord blessed her in other ways and she did end up married, her marriage came with children and grand children. So now she has a beautiful marriage, step children and grand children that she gets to enjoy relationships with. I just felt like that fit in with what you said…thanks for sharing this!
L3: Thank you!
Paul is my favorite commenter; I loved this post, and I’m excited to start reading his blog!
I like that you give voice to the concerns people have about family situations that may violate the ideal presented in the Proclamation, and then hope for reconciliation through God’s understanding and mercy.
his yolk is light? darn you auto-correct…
When the Proclamation came out seven years ago I was a new bride of 8 months, with a new daughter who was four months old. The Proclamation was devastating to me, because it showed just how clearly I had robbed my new husband and baby of the blessings that should have been theirs. I cried when I heard it. I cried when I read it. I cried when they put a massive framed copy up in the foyer of the church. However, as I continued with the process of repentance the Proclamation changed from being a beating stick to a beautiful map to show me how to love and care for my family. I have developed a great love of everything that is said in the Proclamation. Several years later, when my husband and I hit a very rough spot, it was one of the reasons why I stayed in my marriage. I felt like I had to work harder and longer at having a successful marriage and family than anything I had ever worked at before. We are still a family, and are daily achieving and striving to follow the counsel of the Proclamation.
Traccie how kind of you to share that tender story of your change of heart. I admire your courage to continue through adversity, and your willingness to share your journey to strengthen others. Thanks.
Great post on how any family can take the doctrines of the proclamation and make their situation better, even when they are not the “ideal.”
I dug this post. And, I like Miracle Whip too.
I dug this post. And, I like Miracle Whip too.
This was a great post. I was reminded of the principle President Monson taught in one of those Leadership broadcasts about patterns–how his mother made his shirts from a pattern and if she made a shirt from a shirt made from a shirt made from the pattern, it ended up not looking much like the pattern or original shirt. We have to have the true pattern to measure against, but we can keep repenting and improving and getting closer all the time. As a control freak, I sometimes wrongly feel that if my children could just give me the scissors, we would get there faster. oops. Satan’s plan. 🙁
Great example from President Monson, tonya! Thanks.
Aristotle taught that every artisan strives to create the ideal object (he uses a chair as his example). There is an ideal chair that is just an idea, and each artisan (or artist) tries to recreate and interpret it. No one does it in the same way, and no one matches the ideal perfectly, but in the striving is the value. (I haven’t thought about that concept from Aristotle for years! Thanks for bringing it to mind again.)
Actually it was Elder Holland who used that analogy, not President Monson. Bonnie based her guest post on it today!
Altered Shirts and Stable Patterns
Thanks for the tip, ComC. Good to get those attrbutions right. (I think I’m safe with Aristotle…)
(No, it was Plato! It is the Platonic ideal) – but I did enjoy the post!
Well, Anon, you’re right: Aristotle taught the concept Plato had previously taught.
Great post! To me, the last line is key: “…relying that the Lord will recognize our efforts and can make us whole where we fall short.” We need a high ideal to strive for, knowing that life will provide the opposition to challenge and test us. But there is hope for all of us because we have repentance and forgiveness.
PS I am on team Miracle Whip–but both Mayo and Miracle Whip are living side by side in perfect harmony in our fridge. Proof that opposites attract 🙂
mamagale, you are obviously very wise: you agree not only with my post, but my stand on MW, as well. 😉
I see the MW proclivity as less of a “stand” and more of an “enslavement.”
MMM will just have to keep hoping for that amendment to the Word of Wisdom to justify his error. In the meantime, we who are standing on higher ground will be reaching out to those misguided souls who don’t understand that Faith Precedes the Miracle (Whip).
I have been moderating comments to keep out the riff-raff. You have no idea how long my finger was poised above the delete button before I let this drivel slide through.
Is THAT what’s meant by moderation in all things?
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What a great post! I sure enjoyed reading it.
One of my favorite things about the proclamation is that it does acknowledge forgiveness ans repentance. Being a mother of two small boys, most days it feels like I failed somehow and I come face to face with my mistakes. Be it losing my temper, my patiences or getting caught up on other things, I forget to teach the spiritual things…I’m so grateful that I have such a high standard to aim for, but when I fall short like I always do, I can repent, my family can forgive me and I go forward.
What you raise is so important, I think. If we’re serious about accepting the blessings of the atonement in our lives, we simply have to acknowledge that without the Lord’s help we will fail. And by fail I mean make mistakes. I think the adversary lays a trap for parents, wrongly teaching them that their mistakes are unrecoverable and everlasting, and that everything that goes wrong with their kids is the parents’ fault.
I think you get the balance right: high standards that we sometimes don’t meet lead to repentance and forgiveness. I think that cycle leads to emotional strength and health in the family.
Great post. I enjoy both of your blogs but gotta side with MMM on the Miracle Whip issue. I think it could be used as a weapon of mass destruction
Re: Miracle Whip — until I was married, I thought Miracle Whip WAS mayonaise. I really can’t tell the difference. (Ok, shoot me now, MMM.)
Paul… I thought the same thing as a child, and refused to eat EITHER. Now I know better, and mayo is acceptable in recipes, while Miracle Whip is not allowed in my home.
I loved this. Thank you, Paul!
Thanks, MMM. I should point out that our biggest disagreements are around Miracle Whip, seafood and spicy sauces. After those huge issues are resolved, I feel like we’re pretty good… 😉
Very true. But your Miracle Whip preference screams so loud, sometimes I can’t hear anything else you’re saying. 😉