MMM Note: Today is the last day of this year’s Family Proclamation Celebration. I would like to thank the wonderful writers who contributed the great guest posts, and the wise and incredibly attractive readers that read them. I would also like to welcome any new readers that may have stumbled into my blog. Brace yourselves. Finally, I would like to thank the founders and co-hosts of this event, Jocelyn, Montserrat, and Stephanie. I appreciate your courage in allowing me to break the glass ceiling of male participation and be a host this year. It has been an honor. Now, on to the last post…
The Part Member Marriage
It has been discussed that not everyone meets the “ideal” presented by the Proclamation. Some are single, some are childless, some are single parents, many families are blended, shattered, mended and tattered. But teachings and promises of the Proclamation are of value to all.
Today I would like to talk about a small group of saints that also does not fall within the full “ideal” of the Proclamation, yet deserves our acceptance, admiration and support. I am almost certain you know someone in this group. Usually they are our Sisters, but not always. The part-member marriage.
I am in awe of these people. These are the saints that are at their meetings on Sunday, fulfilling callings, and serving others. And they do it alone, because their spouse is not a member of the Church. They push and struggle for eternity, even without the covenant of eternal marriage to guide them and strengthen them, or a partner with common goals. They don’t see themselves as especially strong, which reenforces their goodness.
Some are alone in the Gospel because they married a non-member. Some because their spouse broke covenants and has yet to return to full standing. Some because their spouse fell away through weakness, or even more difficult, through apostasy. Some member-marriages are effectiely part-member through inactivity of one of the spouses. Yet half of the marriage continues on the path to sainthood, week after week – sometimes with their kids, but without their spouse by their side.
I don’t know if I could do that. Or for how long.
I have several really good friends who fit this description. One married in the temple, only to watch her husband descend into apostasy. Another, whose husband was excommunicated, and has yet to return. Another who joined the church alone, hoping that one day the rest of the family would follow. And last, a friend who married outside the faith.
Some friends and family I know that married outside the faith found it less contentious to withdraw from activity, while others manage the best they can. Every situation is different, and preserving a marriage is a serious priority. Preserving a part-member marriage is a serious priority, too. If you decide to attempt to pass judgment in this area, you will usually get it wrong. So don’t.
I recently asked one of my friends whose husband is not a member of the Church, “Hey! I’m writing a blog post about part-member marriages. Do you want to help?” (Tact is not as necessary among friends.) She agreed to answer some questions. And some of these are questions that you should never ask anybody. They are very personal, very difficult, and somewhat inappropriate.
But she did it any way. Why? Because she knows that I love her and respect her. She is incredibly intelligent, and very kind. And she is wise enough to understand that she might provide an insight that we don’t usually get when discussing the Proclamation. Please note that she has a great marriage, great kids, and a fabulous husband, whom she adores. They are very much in love. He is an awesome guy, and they are a really cute couple. There is only one thing missing.
Here is the conversation with my friend. Please be respectful of her feelings and courage – she told me that this is hard. These are pearls. If you act like swine in the comment section, I will hunt you down.
——
You were a member of the church when you got married. Why were you dating non-members then, and why did you decide to fall in love with someone who could not take you to the temple?
I joined the church when I was 20 and, like so many new converts, quickly became inactive. Even though I attended a singles ward for about six months, I have never been on a date with a member of the church. I was dating non-members because I was essentially one of them, and had always been. With no background in the church and no support system, I had no idea how important marriage in the temple was, or what my gospel path would be in the years to come.
When did you become “active,” and why? What changed?
Inactivity weighed on my conscience every single day. After we were married I attended church very rarely. Just enough to stay on the radar. Then I was blessed with a “visiting teaching stalker.” Now, unless the Holy Spirit instructs you do this, please don’t. But this woman, the most shy and meek person I’ve even known, was definitely moved. She called me at least once per week. She would catch me coming or going, make appointments (I would always stand her up), and leave happy notes or treats. She never seemed annoyed, although I gave her every reason to be. Finally, many months later, she wore me down and I let her in. At the end of our first real conversation she said genuinely, “See? I just knew we would be friends. I really like you.” With a friend by my side, I could do anything. Even come back to church. I began to attend every Sunday, and stayed through all three meetings, but even then I was still on the periphery.
You come to church faithfully, usually with your kids, and occasionally your husband comes with you. How does it feel to be a single-church-mom most of the time?
Honestly, it feels really hard.
When our children were smaller, I missed the extra pair of helping hands. Now that they are a little older (all three are still in primary) and behave themselves quite well, I “wish for” the companionship, shared vision, and eternal family that I know we are missing. The one phrase that I have heard more times from more well-meaning people than you can possibly imagine is, “It’s like you’re divorced on Sunday.” Usually this phrase comes on the heels of a big, “You’re such a strong person for coming all alone,” compliment. I’m not divorced or particularly strong. I just know the church is true.
How do you feel you are perceived by the other members of the ward? Do you ever feel “less than?”
I have learned that I am perceived in whatever way I perceive myself. I used to feel “less than” every single day, and as a result, interacted less, served less, and gave less of myself to the people around me. I could spend three hours at church and not have a single person speak to me.
A few years ago we had a new Bishop who forced me into action with my first big calling. His trust convinced me that the Lord must have that same trust in me. I threw myself into the fray and began serving with my all for the first time. I learned then that the way people treat you is nothing more than a reflection of the way you treat them. I adore my ward family and try to serve them as much as I can.
You have been in some labor intensive callings. How does your husband feel about the time you spend on church service beyond the block?
My husband has always been supportive. He knows that I am the happiest mom and wife when I have lots of serving to do. I believe he sees “labor intensive callings” as a benefit to himself.
Some of your children are old enough to get baptized, but that hasn’t happened yet. What is the family dynamic regarding ordinances?
Before we married, even though I was still inactive, we agreed that our children would be raised in the LDS church. Easy to do when the children are still hypothetical! My husband is a very active Lutheran, which I appreciate and respect, so his religious views are much deeper than “Sunday is for football.” As our children are growing and starting to want to be baptized, the dynamic is very stressful. They know that the church is true, but upsetting Daddy is really scary. Our ten year old is moving in the direction of baptism, but we have to be clear that he’ll still spend ½ of his Sundays at the Lutheran church.
Although I can’t see the path between where I am now and our ultimate eternal family, I do know that it exists. I believe that maintaining a healthy marriage and family is just as important as helping my children to make and keep covenants because my ultimate goal is to get get to the Celestial Kingdom together.
So your full immersion in the church came well after marriage and kids. Did your renewed activity come as a surprise to your husband, and how has he changed because of your change – if at all?
He hasn’t changed, but I have. Immersion in the gospel changed everything about me. Every thought, every action, every interaction has the opportunity to be colored by the influence of the Holy Ghost… when I’m paying attention.
I know that you have had to teach RS lessons about temple marriage. Was it difficult, and how did you go about it?
In addition to not being married in the temple, I also haven’t been there myself, so I could not have been more uncomfortable. First, I asked my Bishop if someone else could teach the lesson. He said no. Second, I asked God to make me sick so that someone else would have to teach the lesson. He also said no. Then I prepared the lesson with as much prayer, study, and humility as possible. What else was left to do?
What is the best thing that ward members can do to make your life easier, and develop relationships with your husband?
My life now is easy and wonderful. In harder times, I would have asked people to pay a little less attention to the fact that my husband was not present. I love it when someone who knows him asks after him. It’s uncomfortable to answer questions about him with someone he doesn’t know.
As far as my husband is concerned, I know that he has had so many random people bear their testimony to him, but he has never been asked what he believes. He thinks it’s quite rude, and if the tables were turned, I think I would too. President Hinckley said, “Bring all the good that you have and let us see if we can add to it.” There is a little gem in there that requires first knowing what good your audience has.
How often do full-time missionaries show up at your door with a part-member family list in their hands? What happens?
Too often. Everyone acts uncomfortable, including me. Then they leave with some cold bottled water.
Surely your husband knows your desires for him to be a member of the church and to be sealed in the temple. Does it come up in conversation? Is it an elephant in the room, or something that is just better left alone?
Any church topic only comes up when I bring it up. We used to have long discussions leading nowhere. Now he usually ends up cutting the conversation as short as possible. I leave it alone as much as possible.
What are your thoughts and feelings when you read the Family Proclamation? Does it bring you hope, or disappointment?
To me, the gospel of Jesus Christ is hope. And my part of hope is just to continue trying. My family situation isn’t perfect. It’s much better in some respects than many people I know, and worse in some ways too. “In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life.”
We have the opportunity to progress toward eternal goals, moving forward, inch by inch, from wherever we currently are. “The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.”
If you are like me, and not quite there yet, hear these inspired words with hope. Progress toward perfection. I know that those sacred ordinances and covenants are available, and will continue to be, until we get there.
Thank you , my friend.
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I grew up in a part-member family. Father rarely attended and Mother attended but both parents had some integrity issues. I was molested by a neighbor boy repeatedly when I was 5-6. I heard all those lessons and talks on temple marriage but was positive I wouldn’t qualify because of how trashy I felt about myself. Even tho I was a BYU freshman, I eloped with a non-member at age 18. Dumb? Yes. But I felt so “dirty” — just ask any victim of molestation. I’ve been married three times now — FINALLY to a good man — temple marriage — and we just finished an honorable mission. But I wasted many decades with bad choices — all because I was made to feel unworthy. You never know why a woman chooses to marry out of the faith . . . I wonder if there are others like me?
What a great post.
I have a friend faced with the Ultimate (IMO) part member marriage.
They were married in the temple, but at some point he fell away. I kinda know why, and no judging..It was a hard situation that he faced.
The HARDER thing is, he hasn’t just left the church, become inactive, or even attending another church.
He has decided he’s an Atheist. Wow HARD. And not a quiet Atheist, a very loud, voice full, make sure everyone knows how he feels. HARD.
His wife IMO is a saint. Because I think of that situation if it were in my marriage..and HARD. Raising children knowing their Dad is going to try and undo the religious teaching your going to give…wow hard.
And you know, “she’s” actually not my friend. I have never met her. HE’s my friend. I still think he is a great guy. Talented and loves his wife and kids. I pray that she is able to keep her children going to church.
I don’t know what is in store for my friend. But I’m sure he knows how much his wife loves him.
This post made me think of what she must face at church. How do you tell people…”please don’t bug my husband you’ll get an ear full you don’t wanna hear?” Or please quit assuming I’m single, or maybe even worse…he being the ward secret, everyone knows but doesn’t talk about.
Ugh what a difficult situation, I wouldn’t of even thought of. This post has given me a better perspective.
I am way behind in reading MMM posts this last few weeks, so my comment is late, but I wanted your friend to know that I appreciate her comments, and that she is not alone. My husband and I both come from a mix of part-member/active/inactive/lessactive/holier-than-thou/excommunicated/know-just-enough-to-think-they-know-everything/anti-mormon/totally-uninterested families. It is quite a mix! We love them all, and we basically try to avoid the issue, and everyone is happy. It is hard when something you cherish, something you consider sacred, is not valued by those you love the most, but I know that Heavenly Father blesses us for our efforts to endure to the end! Thank you again, to your friend, for opening her heart to us!
I am way behind in reading MMM posts this last few weeks, so my comment is late, but I wanted your friend to know that I appreciate her comments, and that she is not alone. My husband and I both come from a mix of part-member/active/inactive/lessactive/holier-than-thou/excommunicated/know-just-enough-to-think-they-know-everything/anti-mormon/totally-uninterested families. It is quite a mix! We love them all, and we basically try to avoid the issue, and everyone is happy. It is hard when something you cherish, something you consider sacred, is not valued by those you love the most, but I know that Heavenly Father blesses us for our efforts to endure to the end! Thank you again, to your friend, for opening her heart to us!
I can’t believe that I missed this post, I am so glad that I read it. Wow, what a strong lady! I can relate to this in so many ways and on so many levels. I remember wondering about a lot of these things when I was growing up, only my family are LDS everyone else, (Aunts Grandparents Cousins, etc) are other forms of Christianity, both Protestant and Catholic. I think its important to remember that the church is a beautiful tapestry of people, people coming from all sorts of different backgrounds and situations. The church is inclusive of everyone and all are welcome, the Lord loves all of us equally. The part about how no one ever just asks her husband what he believes that jumped out at me. I can relate in so many ways, assumptions can be rude and we all know that they are usually wrong. Wow MMM thanks for sharing this!
Sort of off-topic, sort of not: I talked to a Muslim woman who lives in SLC. She’s friendly with her LDS neighbors and has attended some RS functions. Her bishop dropped by one day during Ramadan with a loaf of bread. She graciously accepted it and mentioned that they would enjoy it after her fasting had ended. He asked why she was fasting. When he didn’t know what Ramadan was, she said, “Bishop, sit down. I know a lot about your church and your people. It’s time you learned a little bit about what I believe and why I do what I do.”
That comment changed (maybe not as much as it should) how I interact with others who believe differently, whether of other faiths or within our own.
I wish we could talk about topics like this with love and charity right in RS and other places–without fear of judgment. It might help us see that we are more alike than we are different. But it’s hard to do that and still maintain privacy and sensitivity to individuals. So posts like this are extra valuable.
I agree!
Just wanted to say thanks–to you for asking hard questions, and to your friend for asking them. I think these were things many need to hear…
loved this post. I love how much we can learn from one another, when we open our minds and close our mouths… the line I needed to hear was “I learned then that the way people treat you is nothing more than a reflection of the way you treat them.” I have a pretty “ideal” situation right now, and yet I find myself feeling alone and not a part of the group. guess I need to be more outgoing eh? Also loved the reminder that I need to ASK what others believe. I am careful not to push, to only answer questions that are asked, etc… but I have never asked my dear neighbor (not a member but married to the RS president) what exactly it is that HE believes. I think I will watch for an appropriate opportunity to do so. THANK YOU for being willing to share!
Thank you for sharing your story. A few years ago I had been feeling so sorry for myself because I had no support from my husband because he was inactive and actually very anti-mormon. I had no help getting all of them ready for church and sometimes I wondered why I even went to church because if one child needed to be taken out into the foyer, I had to take all of them so they weren’t left unattended. I remember one time overhearing a sister who’s husband was the bishop talking with her friend. She was telling her how hard it was to not have his help with their children before, during and after church. That comment startled me because I just assumed her life was perfect since she was married to the bishop. I realized we all have our challenges and it really boosted my desire to continue attending church.
Thank you for this part especially –
“If you decide to attempt to pass judgment in this area, you will usually get it wrong. So don’t.”
I was married (in the temple) to a man who eventually abandoned me with 6 children and ultimately left the church. Some years later I chose to marry a non-member. I’ve been amazed at how judgemental many folks are about both situations, especially in the quasi-anonymity of the internet.
Thank you for that Q&A. Though my husband is a member this post was very nice to read. It was a bit emotional to read being I feel as I am just recently in the throws of dealing with a husband who isn’t very active. It has put a strain on me and definitely on our relationship, especially on Sundays. It really is difficult to see how my marriage will survive if we aren’t working for the same eternal goals. I know there is hope. I keep the faith the best I can, though on my best days that faith still feels minimal. I have definitely questioned what I would do if he did one day decide he just didn’t want to be a part of the church anymore. Sometimes the answer has been that I would just do the same. It spares me of the immediate conflict and heartache.
Ultimately I know church is where I want to be. My 4 kids have kept me going though many Sundays in the past year it has left me solo. I have never felt I have had a significantly strong testimony but part of me has always known and held to the church being right and good. Even at a time of inactivity in my life it wasn’t because I didn’t believe anymore I simply just didn’t want to put forth the effort. I know the church must be true. It feels right. I feel good when I’m there. Never does any part of it feel bad or wrong. So, I keep hoping. I keep the faith, as much as I can muster, that things will turn around. My husband is a good man who has just made some wrong choices. I love my husband immensely and I want to fight to the end. We deserve it. Our family deserves it.
Thank you for this post. I face a similar situation as my husband lost faith 11 years ago after our temple marriage. The hardest part of moving to a new ward is having to explain my biggest heartache to people I don’t even know. So yes, please be sensitive and not just curious when a woman is at church with kids and no husband. The church is true and I have found my greatest joy serving there and in the temple. I’m blessed that my husband still supports that and has let our children be baptized. I have no doubt that there is time in eternity for hearts to soften and the Spirit to teach.
This made me cry. She may say that she isn’t strong… just that the church is true, but it takes strength for anyone to continue to press forward, especially when things aren’t ideal. I especially appreciated the part advising members to find out what others believe before they start spouting their testimony. My sister has left the church, and although we generally avoid any religious discussion at all costs (she’s still very religious) I need to know every tool for discussion that may help us both feel comfortable and loving toward each other. Thank you!
Thank you for this insight and sharing something so personal. I have many friends who have part member families. I know it is difficult for them, and I have so much admiration for them.
Thank you for this. My husband is a non-member as well. At times it is very difficult to be alone with the kids at church. But I’m there because the gospel is true. Its the right way to live and it strengthens me and pushes me to be a better person by coming to know my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ. I don’t know what the future holds for my family but I know God is merciful, wise and loving and knows the desires of my heart regarding my family. It was nice to hear from another sister in my situation and relate to her thoughts and feelings. Thank you!
Great post. My mom married my Dad, a Lutheran. He often worked on Sundays and she did not know how to drive. So she would walk to church several miles with my older brothers, for years. I know it was difficult and lonely at times. I am so thankful for her strength and faithfulness. He eventually was baptized and has been a faithful member.
Friend of MMM- I think you’re wonderful!
Awesome post! Very helpful for when trying to understand what it’s like to be in a part member marriage. I liked the part about President Hinkley saying we should “Bring all the good that you have and let us see if we can add to it.” That sounds really similar to something President Smith said and was in one of the lessons this past year that I taught. I loved that quote. I like the idea of assuming there’s good in people and finding out what that is first by getting to know them. THEN adding to it.
I often wish I could delve deeper with certain people, and really have the opportunity to understand their perspective, instead of just the “gloss over” we generally get from comments during lessons. Wonderful questions, wonderful answers, and obviously wonderful friends that can have a conversation like this. Thank you so much for sharing.
A great perspective that can give readers lots to consider in their own circumstances. Thanks.
THIS was beautiful. Thank you to your amazing friend.
What your friend had to say is very similar to what one of best friends has told me, in fact one part was identical: That few people ever ask her husband what he believes. Thankfully he is very supportive, but I know she wishes with all her heart that he would accept the gospel. She attends the temple regularly and is in the RS presidency, and I know that she has been and will be blessed for being so faithful. Our Father in Heaven will bless all of His children for their faithfulness, whether here in mortality or in the time to come.
Wow. I was not expecting this post at all! This was wonderful!
I’m in a part-member marriage (married my husband with the sure knowledge that he would convert… :o) ), and this hits home for me. There are struggles, but there are also many blessings, not the least of these blessings is the need to KNOW what you believe. It has been a great reason to do much more research and investigating and praying and scripture study.
I went to a fireside where Susan Madsen talked about her book, Mothers Of The Prophets. I was amazed to learn that only a very select few of our prophets have come from an “ideal” home (select few = 2 or 3). Many (I can’t recall the number or percentage) were raised by their mothers with non-member fathers. In my mind, I can picture just how that situation would create the right amount of questioning, and, with the right mother, lead to a great reason to build a strong foundation and sure testimony.
Whenever I’m feeling discouraged, I go back to that talk, and imagine that I’m raising prophets / bishops / missionaries / men of God, and that this is my chance to shape who they will become. If my family wasn’t destined for greatness, there would be no opposition.
(Let’s also clarify, I’m in no way saying part-member marriages will produce better children. That’s just my situation, and it’s easier for me to get through tough times when I think in those terms!)
Wow… this post really got me emotional. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here. I love your perspective. I love the part you quoted here: “and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection.” I love that you bolded the words “progress towards.” These words apply to ALL OF US. Even those who currently have MORE ingredients of an “ideal” family than some others ARE NOT PERFECT. Some may be far LESS perfect than others who live in less “ideal” circumstances. None of us will fully experience the “ideal” in this life. This says much for those who press forward with faith, continually striving for perfection and the ideal with an attitude of LOVING life NOW. This is how it should be for us all. Perfection is a journey to enjoy. There is no joy in instant accomplishments. We find joy in focusing on enjoying the beauty in life and focusing on striving for and enjoying progress.
Corine 😀
That was such a great post! A couple of things really hit me. I admire your friend for sharing her story.
*This* was an awesome post. Thanks for sharing, and thanks to your friend for being so candid. Way to end on a high note.