In a post last month, I posited the questions “What would you do if you knew you only had 24 hours to live?” I was being a bit facetious, (because I asked it merely as a set-up for a joke) but it quickly became engendered something more. People started considering the question seriously, Mama Rachel started to cry (She’s pregnant, so no biggie.)
(Note: I just read back and realized that I used the words “posited,” facetious,” and “engendered” in the opening paragraph. I need to be more careful, as I do not want to alienate any of my UofU readers.)
One of my loyal readers, Viki, and I were on Facebook and she mentioned that there should be an “Impending Death FHE Lesson.” I thought it was a good idea.
So I said, “Write it up, and I’ll post it on the blog.”
Viki said, “I’m pretty busy – you do it.”
And I said, “No, you do it.”
And she said, “No, you do it.”
And I said, “No, you do it.”
And she said, “No, you do it.”
And I said, “No, you do it.”
And she said “Fine. I’ll do it.”
(Please note that I won this fictitious battle)
Anyway, despite her phenomenally busy life, Viki wrote up an outline for an FHE lesson that addresses the subject of preparing for death. This is not a lesson for little kids, and I would appreciate any ideas on how – or if – one might address this with little ones. But if your kids are old enough, this would be great – and it is especially valuable for older families and even empty-nesters. (Yes, empty-nesters are still supposed to have FHE.)
A little bit about Viki. Her full name is Viki Groberg Bailey. (Yes, that Groberg – One of the coolest missionaries ever. And no, her mom is not the new Catwoman). Here is the bio that Viki provided:
Viki Bailey is the tenth of eleven children. She has moved 20 times in her life. Some of those times were on her mission in Brazil. She is currently living in Idaho Falls with her awesome EC and seven FOML’s, where she works part-time as a RN, part-time as Primary President and full-time as laundry manager. She enjoys beautiful sunsets and long walks (from the computer to the freezer for ice cream). She blogs semi-occasionally at sourspirited.blogspot.com.
Thank you Viki, that was lovely. And when she says she blogs occasionally, she means maybe once-a-month.
Here is the lesson – our thanks to Viki for pulling it together.
————
Opening Prayer:
Opening Song: Hymn #229 (All verses) “Today While the Sun Shines”
Scripture: Alma 11:42; Alma 12:16
From the Bible Dictionary: (Dig into the definition and the listed scriptures by having kids look some of them up.)
Two kinds of death are spoken of in the scriptures. One is the death of the body, which is caused by the separation of the body from the spirit; i.e., “The body without the spirit is dead” (James 2:26). The other is spiritual death, which is to die as pertaining to, or to be separated from, righteousness—to be alienated from the things of God (Alma 12:16, 32; 40:26). Both of these deaths were introduced into the world by the fall of Adam. But death is also the consequence of our own sins. We make our own spiritual death by our works, our thoughts, and our actions. As Paul said, “The wages of sin is death” (Rom. 6:23), and some are “dead” while they “liveth” (1 Tim. 5:6).
In explaining these things, Jacob called the physical death, the grave, and spiritual death he called hell. The atonement of Jesus Christ will bring all persons back into the presence of God to be judged, the body coming forth from the grave and uniting with the spirit released from paradise or from hell (as the case may be). This will restore all mankind to the presence of God. This is the same as Paul spoke: “For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive” (1 Cor. 15:21–23). Then those who have willfully rebelled against the light and truth of the gospel will suffer again a spiritual death, which is called the second death (Rev. 20:14; Alma 12:16–18; Hel. 14:16–19; D&C 76:36–37). Each person suffers only one physical death, since when once resurrected, the body can die no more (Alma 11:42–45). Latter-day revelation teaches that there was no death on this earth for any forms of life before the fall of Adam. Indeed, death entered the world as a direct result of the fall (2 Ne. 2:22; Moses 6:48).
All of us are going to die. It is the one inevitable thing we will all face (besides taxes, right??) Some of us will die quickly, some slowly. Some at a young age, some at an older age. Some from illness or disease, others from a random accident. None of us know for sure the hour in which we will die, and for that precise reason, it is important for each of us to prepare for our deaths, in whatever ways we can.
Perhaps you have heard this question before: “If you had only 24 hours to live, what would you do?” Our answers would be as varied as our personalities are, but one important facet of death, is remembering those we leave behind. For this reason, it is important to take a few moments to talk about our own wishes and to share the necessary legal and physical preparations with our loved ones that we may leave behind.
In time of grief, it would be so nice to have some difficult decisions already made ahead of time. Everyone who is responsible for other human beings (parents and spouse especially) should leave a living will (gives details of what medical measures you would desire if you are not able to speak yourself); a will (laying out how you would like your children and your possessions taken care of should you die prematurely); a detailed funeral plan; and lastly, letters to loved ones.
Living will:
http://www.totallegal.com/livingwill.asp?src=gfreelivingwill3&gclid=CMPU64zjkLECFQY0QgodSAdshA
(You may also ask at your local hospital to see if they have a form and they may even provide a notary public to notarize it for you).
Will:
http://www.totallegal.com/wills.asp?m=legalplan&gclid=CNPtmdfjkLECFWYbQgoddjY8gQ
There are many websites out there, just find one that works for you and then always have it reviewed by a trusted attorney to make sure it is accurate and aligns with your personal wishes. (Personal side note here…*Life insurance should be carried by everyone. It is common sense and should never be a matter of discussion, but just something you DO!! Whom that money will go to would likely be one of the things specified in the last will and testament.)
Funeral Outline:
Think about things that mean a lot to you and that you would like to have shared at your funeral. (For example, my husband is completely against an open-casket, where I am not, etc.) You can use the following outline, or come up with your own, to list some of the things that you would like done for your own funeral/viewing.
MY OWN FUNERAL
Do I want an open casket?
Is there anything I would like to be buried with me?
Do I want a viewing?
What music/songs do I love?
Is there a specific instrument/person who I would like to have perform?
Where would I like to be buried?
Is there something specific I would like on my tombstone?
Who would I like to dedicate my grave?
Letters:
Writing a letter to a loved one expressing your feeling and love for them is something that will be a treasure to that person for the rest of their mortal sojourn on Earth. Here is an example of a letter that Marie Antoinette wrote only moments before she was killed.
http://www.lettersofnote.com/2012/07/think-always-of-me.html
Some good things to express in a letter to a loved one may be: Favorite memories you have of or with that person; things that you love and admire about that person; what you will miss most about that person; advice you would like to see that person abide by; your testimony of the gospel.
Start a file or envelope with everyone’s letters to each other and funeral plans written down. Store in a safe place.
(MMM note: This part is really important. I would recommend that you also include copies of insurance policies, necessary financial accounts, logins and passwords, etc. Update them regularly. At some scrapbook and office supply stores, you can find a big black envelope to put it all in.)
“As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so a life well used brings happy death.”
Leonardo da Vinci
But there is a resurrection, therefore the grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ.
Mosiah 16:8-
Closing Song: Children’s Songbook, 82 “When He Comes Again”
Closing Prayer:
Optional “Longer Version” FHE Activity: Spend an entire 24 hours (in real time) as if they were your last 24 hours in mortality. Take a day off of work if need be, or do it on a Saturday or Sunday. Spend it how you wish, but try to include in those 24 hours the actual paperwork needed (if not already done previously) to have the preparations talked about earlier all completed. Start a file or envelope with everyone’s letters to each other and funeral plans written down. Store in a safe place.
(p.s. Eat enough servings of cake, and the whole “24 hour activity” may be closer to reality than you know it! LOL)
(Another idea for food during the optional 24 hour long FHE activity: Serve Funeral potatoes and ham and lots of rolls and cakes and jello!)
Viki is probably the most talented person I know! For sure one of the funnest!
When I was 12 I attended my Great-Gma’s funeral… the next funeral I attended was when I was 35. I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle (let alone teach my children about) the death of my grandpa – to whom my children (ages 2-12) and I were very close to. We very open and honest and were there when he passed. It was a very special moment – as sweet and as spiritual as any I have ever had. And a beautiful time to try to understand and to help my children begin to understand the plan of salvation. Small children understand – my 2 year old – now 5 – still says she misses her grandpa and that she can’t wait to see him again – but that he is with Jesus.
Thanks for the lesson outline. Even if not handled in an FHE, the items covered are well worth the effort. Providing clear instructions for surviors is key. And doing what’s possible to prevent family squabbles over the family keepsakes is also really valuable. (My mother gifted most of those while she was still alive so that there was no need to squabble about them later.)
There might be (for some families) two lessons here — one about the doctrine and another about the practicalities.
Death by Chocolate Cake? Really?
I have two children, a 5 year old and a 3 year old. I’ve had to deal with death a lot, and when I was a kid I went to a lot of funerals. I’ve been really open with my children about it. They know that my mom died when I was young, and they know that one day we will meet her again when Jesus comes again. I have a step-mom, and my 5 year old understands that she’s not my mom, and my “special mom Vicki” (as he calls her) died, but I’ll see her again one day. I don’t think you have to talk about all the plans when they’re that young, but I don’t think we should shelter our kids from death, either. It’ll make things harder in the long run.
My brother wrote this about finding out he has an incurable disease: http://yourfriendlymormonneighbor.wordpress.com/2012/04/08/the-difference-between-life-death-and-polycystic-kidney-disease/
I wrote this about dealing with death: http://yourfriendlymormonneighbor.wordpress.com/2012/02/19/dealing-with-death/
great post! I love your blog
A friend of mine battled cancer for years and passed last July at the ripe old age of 30. He and his wife have two little children and did an excellent job preparing them for what would surely come. Part of how they did this was by taking a series of “family night field trips” where they talked about the plan of salvation. The first was to a hospital, the second to an art exhibit about Christ, the third to the temple and the final one to a cemetery… you can read about them here: http://areasonofhope.blogspot.com/search/label/Family%20Home%20Evening
For such an inveterate, vociferous advocate for the LDS church, you divulge an odious incomprehension regarding the distinction and ennobling vantage following the denouement of a U of U degree. Rather than providing your readers with an oracular persuasion, your doctrinaire approach sinks into an insolent, pompous, vitriolic, contentious, discordant, pugnacity which is most uncongenial.
I didn’t lose you there, did I MMM? 😉
Hey look everybody! Tiffany has a thesaurus!
Apply cold water to your burn.
Yeah…this lesson is not happening at my house. I already have 2 kids who, when I commented that I was getting old, broke down crying because when you get old you die.
They didn’t want to think about daddy dying.
Definitely not giving this lesson at my home. 🙂
I would agree. But it is never to early to start thinking about how you are going to help them through the death of a grandparent, hamster or goldfish. It is inevitable.
Every fish we have is named Bob…because before long they “bob” up to the surface dead.
Excellent article. Two comments.
“always have it [a will] reviewed by a trusted attorney to make sure it is accurate and aligns with your personal wishes.”
And also to make sure it is a valid will. In some states, there are special things you must do to make it valid. In one state, for example, you have to completely write it out by hand.
“Whom that [life insurance] money will go to would likely be one of the things specified in the last will and testament.”
Actually, the money will go to the person(s) named as beneficiary on the life insurance policy. This is not determined by the will at all. The life insurance policy specifies who will get the money.
Thanks for that wise clarification, your Honor.
“I do not want to alienate any of my UofU readers.”
Do you mean that pagan school to the north where the First Presidency and half of the Twelve graduated?
That’s the one! Proof positive that people can repent and still make something of themselves.
2 thoughts on this post: 1. As retired empty nesters we don’t have regular FHEs but do discuss the gospel constantly, at meals, after scripture reading, when driving somewhere, whenever we have a thought; mostly because we are together a lot more than those who have regular jobs. And, of course, death is a common subject as we get older. Since his first wife died of cancer, my EC says he is going before me because he has already had that experience! But we don’t have control over that, do we?
2. It is good to discuss final arrangements but since I believe that funerals are for the living, I don’t think it has to be “cast in stone” and all decided by the person who dies. Case in point– a loved step-mother decided that she didn’t want to have a service AT ALL! Well, that meant that since she had elected to be cremated (non-LDS) and was out of state I didn’t have anything to hang my “closure” on. She was just gone, period. Thus, it is fine to consider the wishes of each person when making those arrangements but we have to also consider the circumstances of the living. If the person being honored doesn’t like it they can yell at me when they see me on the other side! 🙂
Most of us would like to discuss death with those that are going soon, but never know what to say for fear of offending someone. But, truth be told, I think those whose passing is eminent also want to talk about it but don’t want to upset others, just in case they don’t want to, so it is a never ending circle and nothing gets said.
Dear MMM,
I am sooo going to do this FHE! (Thanks, Viki– you rock! I grew up in IF, and went to school with Grobergs, so maybe we know each other???)
Oh, and MMM, I will do my best not to cry during this awesome FHE. Too hard, anyway. 😉
Your hormonal friend,
Mama Rachel
🙂
The life span of my family (dying from natural causes) is 80-85 which means I think of this topic a lot…but it also means my EC and I better have this FHE lesson sooner than later. He told me just yesterday he didn’t want to be a widower (he can’t cook) so I told him I’d do my best to prevent him from that.
I remember when my sweet grandmother died when I was just barely 8 years old. It was a sad time but I was told where she was which helped me accept it completely. Never underestimate a childs understanding and explain things to them simply but completely, truth = strength.
And Jenibelle, I felt your strength and that of your family through your post. May the Lord continue to bless you and yours with peace and acceptance.
This is a quite relevant subject for my family as my husband is currently dealing with three kinds of cancer, congestive heart failure and crippling Rheumatoid Arthritis. He lives in unending pain daily. For our family, this is a constant subject. Before a difficult open heart surgery in April we sat down as a family and discussed all these issues; including (what we were sure of-) an impending funeral and after his death financial issues. These are difficult conversations to have. He made it through and was able to attend #4’s high school graduation. His next goal is to see #4 off on a mission and then, two years later #5 graduating and #4 coming home.
As a family this is our bottom line, we don’t get to choose anything, life and death happens. Three separate times this year we have gathered to say goodbye, but he was spared. My children understand very clearly and really have testimonies of the concept of life after this earth. Each of them will tell you that they have no fear because they KNOW this is a blip on the radar screen of eternity. This knowledge and appreciation of the plan of salvation comes from constant conversations, examples of others, personal prayer and openness in our family. What a great idea to have a planned out FHE, ours have been spur of the moment, conversations at dinner, around his bed, in the car etc…I have been impressed by the spirit so many times in the last three years to talk about this very subject. One other message from my children: “there is no such thing as complete death, our Dad is just going to move to heaven.” Not a bad place to go.
WOW, Jeni. May the Lord continue to bless you and your family!
HUGS,
Mama Rachel
Jeni: Thanks for your comment and personal perspective. My best to you and your family.
I wanted to read this post but had to stop and repent after becoming angered by your U of U comments. 🙂 A good reason not to give this lesson to little kids is because they can’t comprehend the concept of death until 8 years of age. Interesting huh? Great job Viki! I’m book marking this for future reference.