I have a temper. Yes, I get angry. I am not always a model of decorum and patience. Now, don’t leap to the notion that I am some kind of crazy-angry person. My anger is somewhat contained. I have never thrown anything at anyone in anger. I have never punched a wall, or a door, or a person in anger. (I admit, I have slapped a couple bottoms in anger.)
I guess I have never been so angry that the anger overpowers my innate laziness. The idea of patching drywall, or picking up pieces of broken plates that resulted from my tantrum just doesn’t seem worth the effort, and is totally beyond my comprehension.
The words that would more effectively describe my manifestations of anger are words like “contempt”, “disgust”, “irritated”, “ridicule” or “scorn.” Yeah, those aren’t happy words. Rather than express my anger physically, I tend to do it verbally – which can be just as painful for the person on the receiving end.
Again, please don’t assume that I walk around ranting and raving all the time – because I don’t – and I am much better than I was when I was younger. But I will acknowledge that I do get angry every now and again – which is more often than I should. And how do I know that? Because there exists a complex mathematical formula that defines exactly how often it is acceptable to be angry. Here is the formula:
Anger Acceptability Formula
0 = Acceptable
>0 = Unacceptable
That’s it.
It is unacceptable to get angry. Ever. Period. (This formula does not only apply to the word “anger”. It also apples to mad, rage, fury, contempt, fury hate, etc.)
I know, everyone is different. And if you are one of those different people, then your formula can be adjusted to read like this:
Anger Acceptability Formula
0 = Acceptable
0+1 = Unacceptable
Sadly, I find myself on the >0 side of the formula, and it troubles me greatly. Apparently I am not alone. Just last April, in General Conference, the topic of avoiding anger was brought up by several big-league speakers:
Etc. Yes, all of these are from the last April Conference. Obviously, I share this problem with a few others out there.
Back in 2007, President Hinckley gave an entire talk in General Priesthood Conference about anger. (Here) One thing that all these talks have in common is that anger can do great damage, and should be avoided.
In the Joseph Smith translation of Ephesians 4:26, Paul asks the question, “Can ye be angry, and not sin?”
Nope.
Anger is a sin. It isn’t a “personality trait,” or a “coping mechanism.” It’s a sin. God has asked us not to succumb to it, and the Holy Ghost leaves us when we do. That, my friends, is a sin. It is something we have to overcome. We have to beat it.
Perhaps if we looked at anger more like a “sin”, and less like a common response, we might catch ourselves more often. Maybe we need to change some of our wording, and remove angry and mad from our vocabularies, and replace them with something more accurate. For example:
“You get in here and pick up your towel. I am so sinful at you!”
“I am so unrighteous at your Mother right now.”
“Those stupid politicians make me so sinful!”
“My son’s schoolteacher makes me feel so unrighteous!”
“You had better get your chores done, or you are gonna have one sinful Father to deal with.”
“I’ve got to vent to somebody. I have so much sin inside I’m going to explode.”
You get the idea. I know I do.
I know this is way after the fact (the fact of you writing this) but I wanted to say how much I agree. And that I find a lot of resistance to believing this–both within the church and in society as a whole. No one wants to put this much responsibility on themselves, it seems…
Just had to stop by and let you know you were quoted in RS on Sunday. Our lesson was on forgiveness and the discussion went to anger for a few minutes. One of the RS counselors {GreatBasin Cowgirl above} said something like “On a blog I read this gentleman wrote about replacing the words angry with sinful, unrighteous etc. ….” it was funny listening to her trying to figure out how to say she reads the blog without saying “Middle-aged Mormon Man says.” It sure made the women laugh though as they realized its true! And it changes the situation back around to us and our choice on how to react.
I find that anger is not an emotion unto itself. It usually comes from fear and/or sadness. i.e. Some guy cuts you off in traffic while you have your mini van full of cub scouts. You get “angry” because you are “fearful” for the safety of the little boys in your car. Or, your son tells you he’s *not going to serve a mission *drop out of college *hitchhike to Timbuktu (fill in the blank), in spite of being raised in a good home where the gospel is taught and you know he knows better. You might express your feelings in “anger” although your emotion really is “sadness”, because it breaks your heart to see your child make unwise choices. Well, that may not be how Sigmund Freud would theorize it, but that’s my “OPINION”. 🙂
Thanks for this. I think that I now have my topic for 1st Sunday EQ lesson. 🙂
Anger is a common response in today’s world, where we are genetically programmed with a fight or flight response to stress, and where we’ve learned to expect everything NOW. The two instincts are simply incompatible, and we need to overcome each. (Well, I did, anyway.)
While I agree that caustic behavior is sinful, I also believe there are remedies to help us overcome it; just because we feel anger does not mean we are hopelessly sinful — just natural men (and women) — and the atonement can heal us.
I am already working up a FHE lesson in my head. Thank you for addressing this topic.
Wow! I couldn’t sleep because of my “sinful and unrighteous” thoughts towards a member of my family. I decided to get out of bed, and seek out something more uplifting than my stinkin’ thinking, and came here for a minute. Thanks for the call to repentance! It might actually allow me to sleep! Now, to humble and soften my heart…..
This post has such significant timing for me. My husband and I made a pact about 15 minutes before I read this to not yell at our little daughter anymore. We realized our “sinning” was getting out of hand. I look forward to all you have to say!
Love. It.
This topic hit me full force when Elder Ballard spoke at our Stake Conference a few months ago and said exactly that–do not get angry, especially at your children. That is my biggest struggle right now, so this is very timely for me. I noticed all those talks in Conference too, and I wondered if maybe it was just my selective hearing because I’m struggling with it.
In our house, we overuse the word “frustrated.” I think frustration is not a sin, but when I succumb to it it’s a very bad thing. Anyway, I use “frustrated” all too often as a synonym for “angry,” and my kids have picked up on that. Now they think it’s okay to get angry too, if they use the euphemism. (Not that they’re really polite when they’re angry.) I think what troubles me the most is the example I set for my kids when I lose control and plummet into angry mode. It will be much harder for them to break that habit than to develop it in the first place. (It certainly is hard for me.)
I’m looking forward to some good discussions about this.
I will be waiting ever so patiently for the next installment of this series. Anger is something that has become an enormous thorn in my side since my firstborns became toddlers. It is something I struggle with every single day. I hate it about myself and often wonder what is wrong with me that such little things set me off so easily. I realize that I need to pray about it more and my heart breaks when I think about the kind of childhood memories I am giving my children.
This is fantastic. I have anger issues, and have been praying about it for help recently, but never thought of it in such stark terms – anger is sin. Wow. Thanks!
I really like how you replaced the words “sinful”and “unrighteous” for the word “angry”. Saying it like that does have more of an effect. This will be added to an F.H.E. in the future.
Also, another thought about a different word you used, the word “made” (as in, “MMM made me so angry!”). Really it’s a silly way to say you’re angry at someone. Nobody can force another to be angry with them, and I bet not very many people can think of a time when someone came to them and demanded that they be angry with them. When one of my kids comes up to me and tells me I made them angry I ask them when it was I told them to be angry at me. It’s always our choice to be angry.
I love this! I get sinful and need to be better at it for sure. So excited about the up comings posts.
This was written for me. You must have been inspired. I need this.
I LOVE this one, MMM! This too is one of my most evident vices and you’ve given me much to think of. Thank you.
MMM, fit this comment wherever is appropriate. My father-in-law used to have a real problem with his anger. He grew up in an abusive home with an alcoholic father. Anger and violence was the norm. My FIL didn’t want to treat his children the same way. Although he still had anger issues, he’d take it out on the drywall and doors rather than the wife or children. Finally, he decided to get rid of his anger. He basically fasted a day every time he lost his temper. It took him a year of fasting at least weekly, but he got over it. To know him now, you would never guess he had anger issues. He’s one of the most laid-back and happy people I’ve met. He just tells everyone how lucky he is and how he has the best family in the world. Just like any sin, anger is repentable.
What a fantastic example of someone using this life to overcome difficulties. Thank you for sharing that.
Wow, this is a great post. I get unrighteous often with my little toddler. Thanks for a great insight into an unfortunately common emotion.
Wha?! That’s my other vice!
Cheryl: It will be addressed! Be patient.
I appreciate your willingness to accept and work on your anger. As someone whos husband suffers from the same malady may I ask, while you are exploring how to deal with fixing your problem, that you give suggestions on how I might help him, if you come across anything? Thank you.