Yesterday I
posted about how Christ and the Apostles made an effort to sneak away for some rest and relaxation. Good for them! They ran into some problems/opportunities along the way, or we might not ever have known that they took breaks.
My EC and I like to get away. We love to travel, and have been able to pull off some ridiculously great trips during the course of our marriage. We also have five children that we love, care for and parent the best we can.
These two things are not mutually exclusive. You do not have to sacrifice one to have the other. Personally, I believe that quality time away from the kids, the job, and the stress of life actually enhances a marriage – and can help parents be better parents.
Elder Joe J. Christensen wrote that one way to strengthen our marriages is to, “Keep the courtship alive. Make time to do things together – just the two of you. As important as it is to be with the children as a family, you need regular weekly time together. Scheduling it will let your children know that your marriage is so important that you need to nurture it. That takes commitment, planning and scheduling.” (Marriage and the Great Plan of Happiness)
Elder Russell M. Nelson said, “Good communication includes taking time to plan together. Couples need private time to observe, to talk, and really listen to each other. They need to cooperate – helping each other as equal partners. They need to nurture spiritual as well as physical intimacy.” (Nurturing Marriage) (Yes, the Apostle did say physical intimacy.)
I recognize that I am making a leap from weekly dating to going on a vacation. If one is tough, the other might seem impossible. But here is why it works for me: Dates are great, even though a weekly date can be very difficult. And then, when we actually do get out on a date, we go to a movie, the temple, or out with friends or other family. None of activities are conducive to the kinds of interaction and conversation that dig deep and nurture a marriage.
I have found that I need to spend TIME with my EC. It takes a while to get past the day-to-day stuff that we are dealing with to be able to talk about other IMPORTANT stuff.
How tacky is it to quote myself? Here goes anyway…last summer in a post entitled “Joy in the Journey“, I wrote about how much I love roadtrips, and one of those reasons factors into this discussion. “Some of the best, and most impacting conversations I have ever had with my wife are when we are on the open road. We are both accustomed to this, and look forward to it when we travel. We talk about life, memories, kids, callings, gospel, politics, finances, pop culture, and anything else that hits us. Remarkable that after 25 years together we still always have things to talk about.
The decision to move forward and have another kid developed from this type of road trip conversation. Twice. (And you thought gas was the expensive part of driving.)”
Another important part of vacationing together, is that it is a reminder to ourselves, and each other, that our marriage is the most important earthly relationship that we have. It is more important than our relationship with our kids, or siblings, or parents, etc. Some of you will jump in and say “Our relationship with our kids is not less important than our marriage – it is just different.” You could say that, but you would be wrong.
President Kimball, quoting D&C 42:22 “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thine heart and cleave unto her and none else” said that “The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of husband or wife and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor PERSON shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.” (Miracle of Forgiveness, p. 250)
Our kids are persons. So, if you are trying to find a Friday/Saturday to escape together, but you can’t because of soccer games…
My experience regarding these matters is not based solely on the experiences from my own marriage. I have spoken with people who have told me that they have never gotten away with their spouse since they started having children. Some say it proudly as if it is some wise sacrifice on their part. Part noble, part martyr. I think it neither.
I have had others proudly state that they have gone on many vacations, but have always taken the kids with them – and seem almost amazed that I would ditch the kids and leave town with my wife.
My FOMLs know by where I put my time and my actions that my marriage is a top priority in my life. And yes, sometimes it inconveniences them. Tough cookies.
Just this last General Conference, President Eyring listing things Priesthood holders must do to lift and lead their homes. He said,
“The second imperative is to love your wife. It will take faith and humility to put her interests above your own in the struggles of life.” (Families Under Covenant) (Translation of this quote: Brethren: If you are getting ready to go hunting, and your wife is about ready to lose it – you don’t go hunting.
IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT YOU WANT. IT MATTERS WHAT SHE WANTS. And I guarantee you, your wife could use a couple of days off. If you don’t believe me, just ask her. Sisters: Getaways with girlfriends aren’t part of the solution here.)
I have also seen situations where one spouse is adamant that they can’t possibly leave the kids, work, calling for a getaway, or even a date night, while the other spouse would love to get away, The one spouse is sadly resigned, and says nothing. The other spouse is oblivious to their partner’s needs. This is not a healthy marriage. This may be hard for you to believe, but the kids will survive without you for a day or two.
My childhood gives me a slightly different perspective on this than for many of you. My eldest brother was severely handicapped. Caring for him was labor intensive, and it was extremely difficult and expensive for my parents to find the necessary caregivers to allow them to go away together. But they did it. I’m sure it was hard, and it wasn’t frequent, but they did it anyway. If they could do it, I have no excuse. It can be tough, and you might have to plan a long ways out, but it is worth it.
As Elder Christensen said – it takes commitment, planning and scheduling.
So get out the calendar and start planning.
Oh, wait. What about babysitters and money? Dealbreaker – right? Wrong! Here are a few quick thoughts – first on how to get the kids taken care of, then how to afford travel:
1) Grandparents
2) College students between semesters.
3) Aunts and Uncles
4) Farm the kids out to friend’s houses.
5) Trade with another family
6) Plan for when some of the kids are already gone to camp of EFY, etc.
Can’t afford it?
1) Collect points on credit cards.
2) Watch for great deals on sites like Groupon.
3) Stay local. (Save on gas or airfare – we spent our last anniversary 15 miles from our house and kids)
4) Stay home. Farm the kids out, tell everyone you are leaving town. Go back home, and unplug the phone. (Redbox, pizza, and quiet)
5) Save your change in a giant, plastic Mountain Dew bank. (That’s what I do.)
(One of these days I will write a post of experiences that demonstrate why these trips with my EC are so valuable to me, so be thinking of your own.)
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You left out the most important deal breakers of all: time. The constant battle of balancing your time between your work, kids, husband, friends, family, church callings etc. There is such a great competition of your time these days and everyone is trying to make you feel guilty of how you spend your time. And saying “I didn’t have time for it” always receives those looks of “poor excuse”. I’m living the “rush-hour years” (that’s what we call it in our language) of my life and it is sometimes hectic and crazy time, indeed. Prioritizing isn’t always as easy as other people want you to believe it is.
I agree! One of my favorite “getaways” wasn’t really a getaway. When we were living in an apartment, a family asked us to house-sit for them. We had a BLAST. They stocked up the fridge for us, and we just hung out! (ok, we took care of dogs,cats and the yard too.) We had regular day-to-day stuff, but it was just nice to change the environment!
I think we often get into habits and ruts in our daily routine. Some are good and some aren’t so good. Just having a change of scenery really helps to reawaken our awareness of each other!
I think I am on solid ground when I say that it was clear that the Savior was trying to arrange a break for His Apostles and Himself – some quiet, private time where they could rest and eat together.
The case for taking a break for ourselves has nothing to do with electronics, regular conversations, or gospel conversations. Totally different subject. These two ideas are not mutually exclusive. You can do all those good things in daily life, and still benefit from time alone with your spouse. You could make the same case that temple attendance is WAY less important than daily prayers.
I would never presume to tell anyone that they HAVE to do something to have a happy marriage. But I can state, from my observations and experience, that couples who do spend quality alone time together, tend to have better communication, stronger marriages, and more stable families – but that is only what I have personally witnessed.
I appreciate your willingness to disagree.
I think one of the “subtle tricks of the devil” is to take a good thing and then carry it to an extreme. So, in the name of the Word of Wisdom and because our body is a temple- we drop the kids in daycare, or more commonly- in the care of a young sibling and spend hours at the gym, and tanning, and getting fake eyelashes, and “elective surgeries” and on and on and on. Because God wants us to take care of our body, right? It’s so insidious because it starts with a truth- Heavenly Father really does want us to take care of our bodies.
We take a good thing, like time alone with your spouse- and push it until it covers the sting of our conscience when we drop our kids off with anyone, yet again, so we can do what WE want to do. We live the lifestyle of the kidless, by neglecting the kids and dropping them off- and then we tell ourselves that we are doing it to “put first things first”.
I can see CLEARLY that you were not advocating this extreme at all, but rather a carefully planned time away to recharge and regroup. I guess it just makes me nervous because it is so easy to push to the extreme- especially when someone as wise as MMM advocates for it.
Thanks for the discussion. I really enjoy what you write.
Hmmm… It makes me uncomfortable that you use the experience of the Savior, and the words of the Apostles to come to a conclusion that they never came to. Even the Neal A Maxwell talk (thanks for linking) spoke more about being organized and aware- he didn’t conclude that he needed to vacation instead of visiting sick people- but that he needed to organize his time with a better awareness of how much time/energy went into visiting with the dying.
I don’t contend that spouses spending time together away from the kids is a good thing. But it is WAY less important and effective as daily time together away from electronics. Regular conversations, gospel conversations like Neal A Maxwell suggested in his talk, planning for the family, laughing and just being together. My husband likens it to the husband who makes grand and expensive gestures on Valentine’s day- and is a jerk the rest of the year.
I’m still getting up in the night with a baby, and adjusting to the kids being out of school for the summer… maybe I’m just bristling at the suggestion that there is something else that we HAVE to do to be happily married- when we already feel pretty happy. Did I miss the point?
We’ve only been married for (almost) 2 years and have the best talks we’ve ever had on long car rides/trips. Mostly because we can say whatever we’ve been wanting to say and the other person has nowhere to go aka. no choice but to listen, haha, but it always brings us closer!
We just got back from our most recent trip without kiddos. Nine days temple hopping. We went to Kansas City, St. Louis, Nauvoo, and Winter Quarters. It was fantastic! We don’t get away without the kids often enough and have vowed to do it yearly from now on (though not always for nine days.;))
#5 is my favorite!! I advocate that choice every chance I get!! We have a family that we have been trading babysitting with for seven years now and not only has it been a wonderful experience for my husband and I to have Date Nights every other week, but we have developed an amazing friendship with this family! On our date this last weekend we were Geocaching and I was looking at my husband thinking how blessed I was to have the most wonderful, handsome, caring man in my life. I know that feeling comes from the time we have together, alone, as a couple. Sure, I would probably feel that way even if we weren’t still dating, but I don’t want to find out if that is true. : )
What an excellent post! I know that this is important, and we’ve talked about it often, but we’ve just never done it. We need to do this!
Great post. That is all.
(we’ve done just about all of it).
You have inspired me! I refuse to vacation anywhere without my daughter. I know it is weird but I always want to share everything with her. My spouse and I do not have a great marriage and at times I dread being alone with my husband. However, after reading your post, maybe it is what our marriage needs. I am still a little hesitant and I hate leaving her behind but she is sixteen, capable of taking care of herself and one day will have the chance to see the things that she may have missed.
Thank you again!
I’ve mentioned this before on my blog (and maybe in your comments?) that we take vacations alone together quite often. Sometimes TOO often (in the course of one year we went to Nashville, China, a bowl game, San Francisco, Philadelphia, Hawaii, and Portland. All for different reasons –none of the children were with us!). We have often been criticized for doing it, too, that somehow our children are suffering because we vacation alone together. They don’t complain and actually look forward to it (gifts from us when we return –usually just a magnet, haha –and spending time with cool babysitters who let them have sleep-overs in the living room).
I have friends who have given the same excuses about childcare –or nursing infants. When we have a nursing infant, that infant simply comes with us. *shrug It’s not a big deal for the year that I’m nursing, and I’d rather have a date and/or a vacation with the infant than nothing at all.
We usually have a nice young college couple or a college student (former babysitters who grew up!) watch our kids for us. We are very careful not to take advantage of family and try to budget payment for the babysitters, too.
We also do weekly dates –usually it’s just a really long dinner, but we enjoy the conversation and awesome food. Luckily, the kids are getting old enough that our oldest can watch the kids for the dates.
Anyway, sorry for the long comment –guess I should have said “I agree!!”
P.S. Holly, it’s okay –my husband and I will be driving for 10 hours and only talk to each other for 2 of ’em sometimes. But it’s worth it just to be alone together. 🙂
So how do you know how much to pay? For either a date night or a vacation? We have young children (11.5 – 4) and I don’t even know what the going rate would be if we left town for a week or whatever. I too would rather not take advantage of family (plus the fact they’re a bit of a drive away).
We went on our first vacation w/o kids for our 15th anniversary in February! We worked it out with a young couple in our ward – college student, SAHM with a toddler and baby – we stocked the fridge and gave them the keys to the minivan with gas $$$, and paid them $300 to watch our 4 kids. (our 13 year old thought it was funny to be babysat by the same people she usually babysits for!) They were thrilled – no food or gas expenses for the week and made some extra money when other options were limited (he was student teaching ans working.) We both thought we got a great deal!
AND – My 13 year old daughter babysits she tells familes that her rate is $4 the first hour, $2 each after that(add $1/child more than 2 kids) and then the families usually round up from there.
Amen and amen (except for that Mountain Dew bank…).
But the bank is awesome – it stand about 2.5 feet tall, and can probably hold thousands of dollars.
I am jealous of your Mountain Dew bank. Use it proudly!!! And thank you for this post. So very very true!!! Growing up, my siblings and I always knew that Friday night was mom and dads date night. It is definitely worth making it work.
We go once a year. I know it is not origional to go on your anniversary, but it is tradition and after 15 years our kids know it will happen no matter what! 🙂
We do weekly date nights and if we so happen to miss it our kids remind us that we need to go. (I am beginning to think they don’t want us around… :D)
It is so crazy important.
great post. I can’t wait till the next vacation – i live for these… and we are planning our first vacation without the kids (since we’ve had kids) and we are going to Paris for New Years Eve… I know that’s a long way out – still more than 6 months away… but if you book your hotel now – you won’t have any problem getting a room for the night… i seriously can’t wait to see the Eiffel tower surrounded by fireworks!
You sure don’t mess around!
That sounds so awesome!!!
(Anonymous M) Amen Amen Amen Amen Amen!
I wish I could follow your example, but argh! It’s tough. We have zero family nearby, and are new to the area so we don’t know people very well yet. I think it might be something to pray about.
You have built in church family wherever you go – it is a huge head start.
Excellent post. I agree, though my husband and I are terrible at this. We struggle to have anything to talk about and there’s just not much we want to do together. It’s like I need a little get-away plan telling me what we should discuss and some suggestions for what we could actually do that we’d enjoy! We just got back from a family trip and there was silence in the car for hours. Then, the day after we got home I finally came up with something we could have talked about! Duh. (The Civil War, because I’m reading Across Five Aprils.) I need to save up those ideas and THEN plan a trip. ( :
There are some great printable lists on things you could ask your hubby. Gives you a great place to start until you think of your own. 🙂
Holly – I’m not a lot of help on this one – my EC and I rarely struggle to find things to talk about, and when we do, the silence can be enjoyable too. You will figure it out!
I was surprised that so many people were surprised, some were angry, that I didn’t take the kids when I visited my husband in South Korea. Yes the kids would have loved to see their daddy but we needed that time together and we both knew it. And we are better for it!
Mormon couple date night babysitting gigs was my only source of income from 13-16. Do the YW a favor and let them work for some money.
We had some new neighbors move in that have a couple of young kids. They aren’t members of the church, and were at wit’s end finding a babysitter. They asked us if we knew of any girls that we would trust… a few minutes later we handed them a list of about 20 names. They were baffled.
It’s one of the huge perks of being in YW’s too! You really get to know which YW are the best and If you get them to like you then they will usually never say no 🙂
AMEN! Awesome post, MMM. I know far too many people I love whose marriages have ended– and most of the reasons they get divorced is because they have spent far too little time alone together.
The getaways are awesome, and so are the weekly dates– for all the reasons you mentioned. Thank you for your post today! 🙂
We are very firm believers in this. In fact, this summer while our kids are at Cousin Camp we are running away to the West. We try very hard to have a weekly date night much to our children’s chagrin. We just tell them that it is in the rules when you get married.
“The West” What does that mean for you guys?
It means we want to go to the 4th of July musical extravaganza and we won’t have to fly our kids out also. You really shouldn’t read so much into it….:)
I was just curious – you being from WV – West could be Indiana. Figured if you happened into my town, I’d take you guys out to lunch.
So, you’re saying you live in the Midwest……
…I don’t recall saying that at all! I just made the point that most everything is West of you, and that I would be happy to take you guys to lunch.
And we would gladly accept that invitation! Do you by chance frequent the Hill Cumorah pageant?
I agree with this so much! We ran away, for the first time in several years, a few months ago. It was so wonderful that we decided to run away annually from now on. 🙂
We don’t have any grandparents or siblings nearby, but we were still able to farm the kids out to friends, and we used Groupon deals, to make it affordable for us. It was absolutely wonderful!