Father’s Day is this Sunday. Whoo-hoo!
As you know by now, I have 4 male FOMLs and one lovely daughter. The daughter is living in a strange and wonderful land called Provo. One son is there at the MTC. But I still have 3 boys still at home.
Before I crack open my wallet to give them money to buy things for me for Father’s Day, I figured they should know that there are many things theycould give me that I would really, really like that don’t cost anything! Why spend the time and money shopping when there so many things I would rather have that are free, and enduring?
What things? OK. To make it easier, I’ll write them down:
The following is a list of traits and concepts that I would like to have in my life in more abundance – things that you can give me:
Kindness • Peace • Beauty • Knock • Harmony • True • Rescue • Knowledge • Cleanliness • Ponder • Honor • Respect • Preparation • Purity • Seek • Genealogy • Hidden Mysteries • Wisdom • Strength • CTR
• Kindness: When you bring the car home on Saturday night, and it is out of gas – go get some gas. I usually find out as we are actually driving to church.
• Peace: When I am in the bathroom, do not talk to me through the door. Do not ask questions. Do not shout “Dad! Telephone!”
• Beauty: I’m fine with you putting stuff in your hair. Just stop referring to that stuff as “product“. It is disconcerting.
• Knock: And it probably won’t be opened to you. Especially if it’s late.
• Harmony: Stop playing Mumford and Sons in any vehicle or building that I own.
• True: Aim better. Yes, that.
• Rescue: Do not buy me new church socks. Just return the 23 pair you have taken over the years.
• Knowledge: Stop using the word “p’owned”, because it’s not a word.
• Cleanliness: A brief, unobstructed view of your bedroom and closet floors is all I ask.
• Ponder: Think about what I might do to you if you have overages on your cellphone again.
• Honor: Stop telling me that Kobe is better than MJ. It was funny at first, now it’s getting irritating.
• Respect: Don’t refer to me as the dog’s “Daddy”.
• Preparation: Those cans of Mountain Dew hidden in the pantry are for emergency medicinal purposes. Stop drinking them.
• Purity: But no more of these 20 minute showers.
• Seek: Those needles to inflate the basketball. We must own 30.
• Genealogy: Refrain from pointing out how stupid the fashions were back in the ’80’s. It was an important era for your mom and me.
• Hidden Mysteries: I would like to never see an empty Otter-Pop wrapper in the couch again.
• Wisdom: Point out when you are actually quoting Napoleon Dynamite. Sometimes I think you just talk that way.
• Strength: Be a man – kill the spider yourself.
• CTR: Don’t resort to using our bathroom because yours is out of toilet paper. Change The Roll.
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Thanks! That was great. My Dad once had 6 dress shirts at church. (I’m sure he’d much rather have lost socks!) Did not see the CTR coming. It was perfect!
MMM, I owe you a debt. The bishop called me on the fly to talk in Sacrament meeting today. I didn’t ask your permission, (so now I’m going for forgiveness), but I read most of this post from the pulpit! LOTS of laughs and good reviews after. So thanks for being clever (in advance of my need) and helping to save the day! If you get a large influx of new followers, do I get a finders fee?
You are forgiven. Brownies or cookies wold be appropriate in this instance.
No finders fee, but I’m glad you got some laughs!
MMM
I’ll admit, I’ve been out of the “teenage loop” for quite a while. My oldest is 30 and my youngest is 23. What does p’owned mean? I’ve never heard that word used by anyone, anywhere.
You might be my twin brother lost at birth, except you’re older than me, and a little more church-y-er. Those comments about otter pop wrappers and caffeinated-drinks-for-medicinal purposes could be quotes directly from my own mouth.
Jenny in NC
Pwned is internet geek-speak for “owned.” Since the p is right next to the o on a keyboard, when people are gaming online and would say, “I totally owned you!” they would type “I totally pwned you!” and it caught on. Don’t ask me why, though. I think it’s stupid too.
I’m so glad to hear that I’m not the only one who finds empty Otter-Pop wrappers around the house.
I read this out loud to my 21-year-old daughter. She laughed over most of them, but she likes Mumford and Sons… personally, I’ve never heard of them, at least not that I know of. And my 25-year-old 300+ lbs, 6’6″ son is still scared of spiders!
Sandy
I may or may not have OtterPop wrappers in my couch… from me. I may or may not have an addiction to them.
Also, what is pwned? I consider myself relatively young and I worked a lot with the youth the past couple of years. I have no idea what that means.
LOL I have four boys and one girl myself . . . This was hilarious and WAY too familiar . . . ;o)
My two sons always borrowed their dad’s ties. He wears ties for work and has a good selection. They liked to choose from his ties for church. The ties didn’t always make it back to our closet.
I love all of these! However, I do love the song ‘Awake my Soul’ by Mumford and Sons.I promise to never listen to it any if the cars or buildings that you own.
Can I adopt you?
I have been stocking your blog for about 9 months. I love all your post and think they are so enlightening and funny. Today’s post was no exception. You got it right! I have 5 boys of my own. Thanks for making me smile.
If you have five boys, you probably could have written this post!
This is one of the reasons that I love your blog. You are so spiritual and yet you live in the REAL world just like the rest of us.
I must admit though that I am “older generation”, a couple of those things were over my head.
Thank you for another lift of the spirits.
Very sweet of you. Thanks!
I just sent this to my whole family. I think if any of us were to say that Kobe is better than Jordan we would be promptly disowned!
Yeah – you have to be careful about saying stuff like that…even in jest.
Great list.
You are kidding about paying for your own Father’s Day gifts, right?
They use their own money – which they got from doing work for me. So…?
It’s pwned. Honestly.
(But I didn’t know people actually said it. That’s just silly.)
I spelled it out so people could read it. The fact that it is even considered a word gives me pause.
What does it even mean? I’ve never heard it, at least not that I am aware of.
haha! I’m 55 and started to use it in a facebook post today!
This could So be my husbands list. Btw, your quip the other day, about hunting, got to him. He just booked us tickets to ‘Out-of-Town’ next weekend.
Way to go hubby! I expect cookies or brownies or something.
You’ve got me scared for when my boys grow up!
I would add one:
Vision.
Stop giving me the look, you know, *that* look which says, Are you serious?
Good one! I am about done with the word “Really?”
Also, the eye-roll. Or shaking your head as if to say,
“you just said the most stupid thing ever”.
But seriously, as a mom, I want to purchase something for the father of my children that he will like, use and it’s unexpected. Any ideas?
Can we add the word “whatever” to the banned word
list as well?
Amen to Preparation and CTR!!! I do need to comment on the photo. My Dad was a Aqua Vela man ’til the day he died. Thanks for you inspiration today.