The MMM family is going to have it’s first wedding! I mentioned it the other day in the “Diddy Kong” post here. The good news is that they are still engaged, and the even better news is that we are all still happy about it – giddy, in fact. (Giddy in a “manly” sort of way.)
A short time after the engagement was made official, Monkeyboy and the future Monkeygirl came over to the house, along with the future in-laws. It was a chance for us to all get to know each other a little better, and to talk about wedding plans, dates, and all the crap things that come with a wedding. We started with a prayer, and then I asked if I could make a few observations. (“Observations” was code for the speech that I had written in my head over the previous few days.) I had a captive audience, and it was my kitchen table…
I decided that I would write down my best version of what I preached, for three reasons:
1) Monkeyboy can read it again. (because all engaged people become kind of stupid absent-minded)
2) I have 4 more unmarried kids, and this way I can refer back to it, as needed.
3) Many of you might need it one day.
So, here’s the speech…
You know we are thrilled that you two are getting married. We could not be happier that you found each other, that you are so right for each other. We are happy that you both have prepared, and are worthy, to get married in the temple. We are incredibly proud of you, and we know that Monkeygirl’s parents are too. We are confident that your Heavenly Father is pleased as well.
However…not everyone is pleased. The adversary is not. He hates both of you. He hates the fact that you are on the verge of creating a new eternal family unit. He hates you – he hates eternal families – and he hates the temple. Effective now, you both have targets on your backs, and he will do everything in his power to stop this from happening. He does not want you to enter the temple to be sealed together – it goes against everything he stands for.
• His first line of attack will be to destroy.
If he can provoke you into doing something that will keep you out of the temple, he will. He would love for you to give in to temptation – to sacrifice your purity, so when the time comes to get that recommend to enter the temple, you would be judged as unworthy. He would love that, because he knows that many engagements cannot survive the damage of immorality. He would like to see you “Spiritually Stupid” so that the decisions you make during this time are bad ones.
So be smart. Don’t put yourselves in situations where you might slip. I know you are both smart, and strong – but the two of you aren’t bulletproof. We love and trust you, but that’s the reality of it.
• The second line of attack will be to diminish the experience for you. If the adversary is unsuccessful in getting you to blow this thing up, he will try and make it a less-than-wonderful experience. Remember, the actual SEALING ceremony will only be a few minutes long. There are no flowers, decorations, and only one color – white. Everything and anything beyond that you are planning and preparing for is not your wedding. It is bonus stuff. A really fancy party – but not a wedding.
If the adversary can get you to put a huge amount of time, energy, debt and focus on all of the extra stuff, he can diminish the singular importance of the actual wedding. If he can’t stop it, he will do what he can to make it seems insignificant – and society and culture – inside and outside the church – are more than happy to help him. Remember, what you will be taking away from the events surrounding your wedding will be photos, memories, and relationships. (Personally, I don’t remember what food or punch we served.)
The memories you create now and up through your wedding day will be immortalized in your personal history. Satan would like nothing better than to have those memories be bad. And the most effective way of doing that would be to stir up contention. What better way to diminish the glory of your wedding than to taint the memory with anger, disagreement, contention and tears.
Fifty years form now do you want to look back at your wedding and remember that you fought with each other about what you are going to wear, or what food to serve, or who to invite? Protect your relationships during this time. Engaged couples are famous for being INCREDIBLY self-centered. (I know, because I was there once.) Fight this instinct.
Contention with each other, or with your families, can bleed into the temple, and deny the Holy Spirit of Promise from sealing that sacred ordinance. If you are fighting with your mom or your dad, or each other, it will diminish, and cheapen what you experience the next few months, the adversary can count that a partial victory – and he’ll gladly take it. Don’t just pick your battles wisely. Avoid them at all costs. Remember, the colors, the flowers, the clothes, the food, the music, the invitations, etc., are NOT the wedding. The wedding can, and should be, a short, pure, spirit-filled, sacred event. All the additonal stuff can either enhance the experience, or diminish it. Your choice.
Speech is over. Thank you for humoring an old man. We love you, and are your biggest fans. We will do our best to not diminish your experience. We want it to be a spiritual, and joyful day – the best day of your life – not just this life, but your eternities as well.
Love,
Dad
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I’m going to share this with my YW on Sunday. I can probably tweak it in such a way that it would be appropriate for the youth and not necessarily an engaged couple. The youth have targets on their back, too. 🙂 Thanks for this. Excellent!
Except for the fact that it doesn’t have anything to do with youth – youth aren’t even supposed to be “couples” at all. A better thing to share with them would probably be:
http://www.middleagedmormonman.com/2013/06/romance-and-mission-prep.html
you should have this published in the Ensign!
Just found your blog – great stuff!
As for this one in particular – TRUTH. We used to warn our investigators once they committed to baptism, that the adversary would be all over them & to be aware & watchful. I wonder why I didn’t realize the same for temple sealings..? Glad you did!
Love your “speech” – & here’s some more good stuff my kids are already getting an earful of, even before they can date. Elder Cree-L Kofford wrote 2 articles for the Ensign (June & July 1998) about how to make your Sealing Day separate from the Party Day. http://www.lds.org/ensign/1998/06/marriage-in-the-lords-way-part-one?lang=eng
The article came out the year after I married. If I’d thought about it, I would have done as he counsels – keep the most sacred day of our lives separate from the celebration with family & friends. Or even have the reception first! 🙂
I love the other commenters’ posts about advice to not be alone together (except at the temple) during the engagement! I only wish my husband and I had been given (and taken) that advice. We were alone together far too much for our own good. Having a civil wedding ceremony, where I could walk down the aisle, wasn’t what I wanted. Of course, we are an eternal family now. But it’s hard to enjoy a honeymoon when you have morning sickness! Good luck to your Monkeyboy and future Monkeygirl!!
I remember being angry with something someone said to me right after our sealing. I took offense (in the sealing room, mind you!) and I held a grudge for a few years. Once I got over it (finally!) I realized that it had been Satan trying to diminish the experience. I know that even though we were in the Temple and Satan doesn’t have much power there, because I had been dumb and already had negative feelings beforehand it was easier for me to take offense. This is something that no one warned me about. So, good speech!
Loved it. But please work on language. There is something incongruous about starting with prayer in the same breath as the work “crap.” That is simply another crude four-letter word unbecoming of all who use it.
Point taken. Sometimes that word slips out. I ain’t perfect you know. But I do like the word incongruous.
I was grateful for my Stake President when he advised us to never be alone in the months leading up to our wedding. We dated for 2 years before we got married, for several reasons, and the only times we fought were in the weeks before our wedding. Engagement is such a special, delicate time.
You are absolutely right, MMM . . . although I didn’t miss the point of your insightful, thought-provoking, touching post . . . I am merely old enough and well seasoned enough to know that the altar is NOT the end . . .
I apologize if my comment detracted from your point . . .
No apology necessary – I read back and realized that I sounded more harsh than I meant to. I hope I didn’t imply anywhere that getting to the altar was the end of anything – it is merely the beginning. You are right on your extended perspective- getting to the altar is merely the “pre-game warmups” before the real battle takes place.
I was trying to say that those of us who didn’t take this advice can still have a great marriage.
How I wish I had had this speech before I married. It was the little things – the mini-fights – and they are remembered years later and still very hard not to re-fight about. MILs and FILs involved and all that jazz still burn. You only get married once. (or should only have to get married once). The adversary doesn’t take you out in big swings (well not all the time)it is the little swings that leave bruises and scarring…that seem to never go away. Good speech!
Is this speech copyrighted or can we use it when our kids are at that point?
Feel free to use it at your leisure.
Good job, dad . . . but your commenters are right . . . as vitally important as getting to the temple is (and it IS) it is only the first part of a life long journey (and yeah, battle) . . . It is the effort/priority to continue to be worthy to return to the temple again and again and to STAY in love with your chosen companion, to KEEP making him or her a sacred priority in the years ahead . . .
Congratulations to the happy couple!
With all due respect, Sue, I think I’m going to have to disagree. I think all those commenters got it wrong. This post/speech had nothing to do with life after the wedding – it wasn’t about the years ahead, or temple attendance, or raising children, or life’s journey. It was specifically about what to watch for while being engaged. Anything that has been mentioned about life after the wedding missed the point of the post.
Having been through the experience of a marriage that I thought would be eternal, and then left by my husband and then getting involved in LDS “mid-singles” activities with mostly other divorced members, I know how very many families Satan has destroyed even in the church. Well, people’s choices have destroyed the families. It is very, very sad.
Soooooo true! I remember how hard the adversary worked against us when my husband and I got married. Wow!! Our Bishop told us to pretty much stay away from each other until we got married! We were late to our sealing due to a torrential downpour, and the fact that we had to drive 3.5 hours to our nearest temple, but here we are 16 years later! : )
Here’s some advice for AFTER the marriage, for all parents:
KMS (Keep Mouth Shut) — put post-it notes everywhere, mumble it to yourself, etc. KMS for 99.9% of what your married kids do. The 0.01% should be handled by their Bishop, so KMS is still in order.
Trust me. I’ve married off 4 kids 5 times.
Great advice. I really like what you said about the temple ceremony. So many couples and families put too much emphasis and focus on the reception, cake, dresses, food, etc. instead of focusing on the ordinance.
Awesome! Submit it to the Ensign and/or The New Era. Distribute it to parents and/or Bishops.
Thanks! The editors at the Ensign would get migraines trying to make my writing work!
When my best friend was engaged their bishop gave them, what I think was some pretty awesome advice. They had both received their endowments already, so he said “Plan your dates to be at the temple. Meet at the temple, have dinner at the temple, and attend the temple. Other than that, make your dates group dates, or telephone dates.” She always credits this as one way that they were able to happily get to the temple worthy to be there. They had a horribly long engagement because she held the Miss ****** in our community and was contractually obligated to remain single during her reign.
Also, I love this post! I think I’ll print it out to share with my older children. I think that although my kiddlets are not quite old enough to be engaged, most of it applies still. Satan would love nothing more than to stop them from remaining worthy of finding that special person and making it to the temple.
If we both have “Dissociative identity disorder”, you might be on to something. What are we having for lunch?
I don’t know about me, but I had fruit loops for brunch & a breakfast burrito for brupper. We shoveled manure the rest of the time. Which one of us has the lesson tonight?
froot loops and manure? Nope. I’m not you.
I’m pretty sure he didn’t combine the two, MMM.
Don’t be so sure.
I think I just figured out who you are, Mormon Guy?!!!!!!
My clues? You say “Yup”, not “Yep”. You say “Good Sabbath” on Sundays. You wrote a blog about Rocky. You’re planning a wedding for your oldest boy. Other stuff.
It all adds up: You’re me. That’s weird.
That is kind of like shutting the barn door after the horse has run off. He shouldn’t have had a girlfriend before his mission. I wrote about it here:
http://middle-agedmormonman.blogspot.com/2011/01/i-didnt-want-to-know-that-1-phew.html
So, it is too late to do it right, but you can help him lessen the impact of wrong choices. There is an old talk by President KImball that addresses it a little:
http://missionaryhelper.com/talks/lockheart.html
Good luck!
Great speech can you edit it so I can give it to my son leaving for his mission but wants to keep his girlfriend?
Loved this!! Thanks, and yes, I will be ‘borrow’ it….share it widely, but give you credit….when the time comes. PS I received my endowment the day before the wedding, had the wedding next day, and the reception the day following….all in the middle of the week. Each day had its own focus and not one was long, drawn out or exhausting. Will definitely share that info with our FOMLs.
Oh where was this speech five years ago when I was getting married?? My wedding day is top of the list of worst, most emotionally draining and contention filled days of my life. Oh well, my husband and I are still very happily married with two little boys of our own, amazingly enough, so I guess I’ll hold on to this speech for them : ) Thanks for sharing!
I married Hubby Dearest six years ago. Because we’re in the UK we had two ceremonies that day. I walked down the aisle in our chapel with my (nonmember) father and followed by my bridesmaids, and we had the whole traditional ceremony with 200 mostly-nonmember guests watching. We then had a big party in the cultural hall. And then new Hubby Dearest and I slipped away to the London Temple with just a handful of church friends for the evening sealing.
To anyone reading who wishes they could have that big public wedding I should say that our Temple sealing was the most magical and special part of the whole day. Don’t ever think that it’s not like a “real” wedding. It’s better.
Great speech. Satan hates all of us. It’s nice to be reminded of that fact.
Mind if I borrow this? You know, I’m starting to think you are a pretty smart guy…
Sandy
Great advice. Some very wise parenting here.
=)
I will have my 5th child married, in the temple, this coming Thursday, May 10. This is my baby, and my only daughter. She met her future husband in the mission field, yes they were both missionaries in her first area. She will be home less than one year when they get married. With ALL four previous marriages I don’t remember Satan attacking so hard, and in so many ways. Even parents, trying to be wise and supporting can find themselves ‘wisely’ saying incorrect ‘wisdom’, – things that just don’t matter, like you said. When these two first decided to get married, I honestly said to them, something like ‘Here’s a thought, yes I want to be in the temple with you, but why don’t you both go get your recommends to be married, and get yourself to the temple, we’ll party later’. Of course now they see what a ‘wise’ statement that was. Yes, be watchful, prayerful, read the scriptures, attend the temple, listen to the Spirit, be careful, make certain you recognize that Satan tries to come in the back door, and every window, locked or unlocked, etc. Right now, 4 days away from the temple sealing, I feel peaceful, but it has been months living in not a happy fairyland! OH!!! Congratulations and good luck to the father of the groom!
Great advice. Even still, a perfect wedding day does not a perfect marriage make. You need to focus on avoiding contention the rest of your marriage. Marriage becomes really great when the husband finally learns to do what he’s told by the wife. Happy wife = happy life.
Perfect.
If I have any one piece of advice to help prevent contention during or after the wedding, it is this (and yes, I’m taking it upon myself to give advice): Have the bride and groom sit down about a week in advance and write out an itinerary. Made it detailed. Include who you want where, when, and what they should be wearing, what they will be doing, and how they are getting there. Make sure there are plenty of copies and everyone who is on that list, or is responsible for someone on that list, receives 2 copies.
The only part of our wedding day that I look back and frown on (and not really because it’s not a huge deal) is that we told people certain things, and within minutes they forgot. We could have avoided a lot of issues and saved a lot of time if we just wrote it down for them.
Congratulations to the happy couple and parents!
Excellent!
Awesome speech! I may use this! 🙂
Of course. You can even pretend that you wrote it – impress your kids.
Funny comment above! Just forwarded this to my daughter and her fiancée. They just got engaged and are getting married in 8 weeks. A lot of people area giving them flack about having a short engagement but they said “if we’re going to have a temple wedding it better be quick, and we ARE having a temple wedding”. Great kids! Still, it’s scary because as you said, they are not bulletproof. Seven weeks to go! Thanks for this great advice!
Thanks, Kim.
Even though I knew all of this to be true at the time (12 years ago) we still fell victim to a lot of it. How I wish I could take back my attitude and priorities from that day! How different it would be. (and it was a great day/time, but I think of how much better it could have been.)
“fell victim” are not the right words…
Love it! …I may have to steal this in a few years. 🙂
Wow, great speech; wish I had had a dad who had cared that much about me 🙂
Excellent! We just had this discussion with a missionary preparing to go home, honorably. Because Ronald darling and I have been married for nearly ever, he thought we might know something about happy, successful marriages.
Congratulations to monkeyboy and monkeygirl. Don’t blow it, dad!
♥ THIS!!!