During the past week I have noticed a “theme” emerge. I have had discussions online and with myself about the idea of what we expect of ourselves and others. Do we expect too much? Do we expect too little? It seems that everyone has their own take on this.
There are two competing views – one is that it is better for me to make modest goals and attempts – and hit the target, than to aim high – and miss. I see some merit in both. If I aim low and hit the target, I gain a sense of accomplishment that can build my confidence. If I am high, I could miss, resulting in failure.
I tend to be more of an “Aim High & Crash & Burn” kind of person. I fail often, sometimes gloriously. I don’t have much use for the “Aim Low” theory. Here’s why:
If I set a goal that I am going to achieve 90% of whatever I am tasked with, and only achieve 75%, by definition I have failed.
Yet if I set a goal of 50% and achieve it, by definition I have succeeded. But what about that extra 25%? Doesn’t that count for something? Shouldn’t the fact that I went big and got the extra 25% build more confidence than attaining a smaller goal? My cynical side comes out and says to myself “So you set a wimpy goal and achieved it? Whoop-dee-doo!” I know when I am just phoning it in, and success as an artifice builds no real self-worth.
So, as I am thinking through this stuff this week, my Facebook friend Judi Bona pops up with this quote:
I liked it enough that I made a picture of it so all you Pinterest people can do whatever it is you do with things like this.
While I was looking to source the quote (here – great talk by Elder Derek Cuthbert) I found the poem that may have engendered the idea:
A sin? That is even stronger than a “failure”. But it is a nice poem, and gives some justification to my “aim high” strategy, but it is really tough to stay motivated and not get complacent. It is tiring, but necessary. Over the next couple of days, I will post a few more ideas along these lines.
My goal for today is to figure out how I would normally spend my Sabbath, and challenge myself to “do a little more, to be a little better.” Because that is more fun and fulfilling anyway, isn’t it?
Angela: Great quote and comment – thanks! I love this: “He will ensure that we receive all the help we need, whether it be comforting, strengthening, or chastening.”
Oh, your post reminded me of a fantastic talk given by Elder Christofferson in April 2011 General Conference (I LOVE it!):
“I would like to speak of one particular attitude and practice we need to adopt if we are to meet our Heavenly Father’s high expectations. … If we sincerely desire and strive to measure up to the high expectations of our Heavenly Father, He will ensure that we receive all the help we need, whether it be comforting, strengthening, or chastening. … All of us can meet God’s high expectations, however great or small our capacity and talent may be.”
I see it as our Heavenly Father has high expectations of us, and this is because He knows what we are capable of. Instead of finding ways to keep the bar low, perhaps we could be thinking of ways to continuously raise to “personal bests.” It is a good reminder that God doesn’t smile upon slackers and I need to do and be the best He wants and needs me to be.
Thanks for this post MMM!
I had to laugh when I saw your graphic and your topic today. You’ll understand more when you see my post later today…
I agree with you, by the way. I spoke in church last week about preparing to serve, and doing more than we think we can do. President Eyring talked about working past the point when others would have taken a rest — generally a good test for me.
I snorted a little when you said you fail gloriously sometimes. Ironic. Me too. 🙂
That poem is beautiful. Makes ya think about thing or two.
Another great post! I like what Denise said also. I have the big picture goal and many MANY little goals that lead up to that goal.
Tawnya: Reading that comment was the best thing that happened to me all night. Thank you so much for letting me know!
I love this post, and completely agree with you.
I took another look at how we are doing things in sacrament meeting with my 3 boys (and stepdaughter every other weekend). I know I didn’t learn it from my parents (since I literally never remember a time when we took toys with us to church), but I picked up the habit of hauling things to church just to keep them entertained and busy. For a long time, we’ve been in survival mode in sacrament meeting, and just getting through it without 1) publicly yelling at my kids or 2) spending the entire time in the foyer, is considered an accomplishment.
Well, today we quit the church bag cold turkey. I explained to my 3 and 4 year old boys (the 1 year old doesn’t understand) that we were taking NOTHING with us. They were sad for about 1 second, then over it. I explained that nice boys got to sit by daddy (my non-member husband went to sacrament meeting with us), and noisy boys got to go to time out in a dark room.
So, we took nothing, except for my scriptures and a diaper. Here’s what happened:
1 – Took me about 2 seconds to get out of the house. Normally, I’m scrambling to fill snack bags, get crayons and books, throw a couple cars in, try and remember a sippy cup for when they are thirsty, etc. Then I get to carry around a 20 lb. bag with goodies in it all day.
2 – My kids were GOOD. Unbelievably good. No fighting over who has the better coloring book, or needing to go potty 2 times, or needing to get a drink 5 times. They got wiggly and bored, but that’s to be expected I suppose. Not once did I have to follow through with the table-method.
3 – Instead of being a stress on my husband (who does not handle loud obnoxious kids during the middle of a quiet church meeting well), we were actually able to listen to the speakers! Who knew you could do that?!
4 – My kids listened! A little (they’re small, ya know?). We sustained the leaders for Ward Conference, and my 4 year old followed right along, asking me questions. He asked me questions about a couple things in the talks, as well. Yippee!
I’m sure I’m in a different place than I was even 6 months ago (when the baby was still nursing and I was no where near ready to give up the goodies), but reading that post the other day was perfect timing. I never saw it before, but by bringing all that stuff to keep the kids quiet I was teaching them the completely wrong thing. I was teaching them to be ENTERTAINED, not REVERENT. So of course they yell and fight and want to go get drinks and want to run around, etc., because when whatever I’m ENTERTAINING them with stops ENTERTAINING them, they want to be ENTERTAINED with something else (did I overdue the emphasis there??? lol). Also, I’m teaching them that sacrament meeting isn’t for them. It’s too long and boring for them, so they get to be ENTERTAINED instead.
So seriously…. THANK YOU for pointing out my low expectations. Nothing like a friendly slap in the face from a stranger on the internet to bring a girl to her senses!
When our autistic son set the goal to earn all the Merit Badges offered by BSA, I don’t think any of us really believed he could do it…except him. I know I thought that even if he only made it part way, a big goal would keep him motivated. Smaller goals might have been realistic given his circumstances, but I would never encourage my kids to quit on a dream like that. Imagine our surprise when he actually achieved his goal!
Sandy
Sue: Thanks for taking the time to write your thoughts about this. However, I think there is an assumption that is sometimes made regarding goals that they are for the purpose of achieving “distinguished accomplishments” or other worldly pursuits, and are solely “big ticket” items. They don’t have to be.
I have a goal to work more efficiently during the day so that I can get home earlier in the evening to spend more time with my family… I can aim high, and try to get home by 4:30pm, or I can aim low and just be at the mercy of the day, and roll home at 6:30pm.
I admire your ability to set and achieve a goal of being available to respond to promptings, and spontaneity.
Basically, I think it boils down to is if we are aiming at the right things.
Um . . . sorry to blog on your blog . . . oopsie . . . =o/
HMMMMMM…I know that goals and dreams are important…I mean, the whole ‘a man’s grasp should exceed his reach or what is heaven for?’and I get that. I have spent my lifetime setting goals…some lofty (marrying in the temple…having children and being a nurturing, patient, encouraging mom…working towards degrees…developing God-given talents…etc), some small and immediate (reading in the scriptures EVERY day…cleaning the bathrooms…getting the laundry done and folded and put away…beginning to work on a church lesson early…being friendlier to my neighbors and learning their names, etc). I KNOW how important those are, AND that the most worthwhile things are accomplished through daring to dream, then setting goals to reach them in small (or large) measured steps. I know that without those, MANY things would NEVER happen. How many people would earn a degree if every morning they woke up and thought ‘am I REALLY feeling the learning vibe today?’ before deciding whether to show up and attend class or work on projects/homework. Yeah…none.
STILL, despite all that, the truth is that some of the most precious experiences I have had with the people I love have come from seizing spontaneous moments in the midst of being busy working on my important goals… The afternoon spent walking in the rain and splashing in puddles with my daughter when a deadine loomed and I NEEDED to work on it…Being willing to meet my husband for a spur-of-the-moment lunch when I should have been at a presidency meeting…Being on my way to an important meeting when the thought popped into my head that I needed to go visit my mom which lead to a precious heart-to-heart talk that is one of my most cherished memories of her now that she is beyond my grasp.
I mean, maybe those ‘stolen’ moments ARE so precious because I made the deliberate choice to spend time doing those things and pushing aside other very important things to make time for them. Sometimes I wish I had done more of those things, instead of sticking to my carefully thought out and written down list as to the most productive way to spend my days.
Goals ARE important, and those who do not dream and then work to make those dreams happen don’t generally accomplish very much, or at least not as much as they COULD but not EVERYTHING is of top importance, even among IMPORTANT, eternal things. Most of us DO juggle lots of very important things. I, for instance, NEVER find myself trying to choose between hanging out on the corner in a mini skirt trying to earn extra money and, say, planning a talk for church. My choices are almost NEVER between good and bad. Oh yeah, some are, but overwhelmingly MOST of my choices are between two ‘goods’, or good and better, or better and best, and the lines are NOT so clearly drawn. So I am constantly evaluating and second guessing myself, EVEN when I try very hard to be prayerful and follow the promptings of the spirit.
And, ultimately, maybe it is that constant evaluating and reevaluating and trying to be prayerful and trying to learn from the choices that didn’t work out so well that is even more valuable than the actual choices.
Yeah, goals ARE important. Nobody gets to the Olympics without them BUT sometimes the Olympics isn’t what is MOST important right now. Sometimes a child just NEEDS to be cuddled…or a friend NEEDS someone to listen right now…or an extended family member’s needs NEED to shove everything else to a back burner.
I have dreams and things I have wanted (and STILL want) to accomplish… but I just am no longer so certain that those things are the very most important. Maybe I just am tired…and maybe I have begun to wonder what opportunities and experiences my tendency to make lists and overschedule every moment to be MOST productive has made me miss out on…
I just am no longer so certain that a long list of distinguished accomplishments is really what this life is all about…
I am of the “aim high” and “have high expectations” school of thought because that is what I believe Heavenly Father has of me. He expects me to be perfect! We know that I will not make it in this life nor without the Savior, but in aiming high I will be on the right path and headed in the right direction.
I was thinking about your reverence post today as I watched my kids haul in markers, papers and even homework and wondered if I needed to expect more. I don’t mind them coloring and stuff during sacrament but today’s stash was a bit much. I felt good about other parts of the day-everyone was ready 30 minutes before start time which means we were 10 minutes early which gave the children time to use the bathroom and get a drink (because for some reason our toilet and water at home aren’t good enough) and no one left the room for the whole 70 minutes. Anyway, we did mostly good but as I watched my 10 year old do her homework during the actual sacrament I realized, we need to aim a little higher. This post confirmed it 🙂
One of my husbands favorite quotes is ” it’s better to aim for the sky and miss than aim for a pile of “doo doo” and hit. ( use your choice of “doo doo” substitutes!). :).
I think Denise got it just right. The thing about Maslow is that you have to remember that different areas of our life can be at different stages of the hierarchy simultaneously. For example – I could be very focused on spiritual self-actualization, but at the same time be unemployed and wondering where the next house payment is coming from.
Our personal worship can be a focus despite what is happening in the other areas of our lives. In fact, sometimes when the physiological and safety needs are threatened, or in crisis, our spirituality can make tremendous gains.
I think Vatermann needs to give himself more credit for fighting the fight at all levels, and not just packing it in until the kids get older.
The truth is that you really need both. You need to have a big dream or goal, but then you set the small ones along the way that take you to that goal. From a homemaking sense that might look like: Clean the house so it’s beautiful and organized. (Big goal and a dream if you are at my house) ;o) Little goal: Clean one cupboard a day, do the laundry, wash the dishes. Next day: clean another cupboard, do the laundry, wash the dishes.
From a business standpoint: Build a multi-million dollar business Little goal: Get a loan, write a business plan, etc etc
From a spiritual standpoint: Big Goal– Eternal Life and Exaltation/Perfection Little Goal: Go to church, Repent, Read Scriptures, Pray, Get Baptized, Receive Endowment, etc etc.
Give yourself some credit! Little means bring about the big things. We should have high goals because we are Children of God who have potential past what we can imagine. We sell ourselves short or get upset when we “think” we’ve failed. It’s a process. Line upon line.
And most are doing just fine! =)
MMM,
As I read this, I thought about how you must be on a higher level of Maslow’s hierarchy than I am. You write a lot about self-actualization. I’m still struggling down in the safety level. Those types of differences are easily discernible between a lot of High Priest and Elders quorum members. I think it has a lot to do with life stages. I’m definitely in the parent-of-young-children/establishing-the-career stage. This stage feels a lot more reactive than proactive.
I know that will change, but I know I still need to stretch and grow right now. That’s why I put up with this blog 🙂 Another thing that helps me aim higher in my goals is the love and empathy of those who remember going through the stage of life I’m in. Thanks to all those commenters for their wisdom and support.
Oh, Vatermann. Here’s how someone who really knows you sees it: This blog post isn’t about you. You are already like this. You are so introspective and soul-searching but too humble to ever recognize it. You are constantly doing amazing things and yet the first to raise your hand and apologetically confess you need to do better. You constantly seek wisdom and humbly respond to promptings to change, even when those promptings come as angry accusations from your nagging wife (yea, that’s me). Don’t beat yourself up. You are a straight arrow. You are one of Christ’s loyal friends. Regardless of where you are en route, you’re trajectory is dead on. And you’ll get there when you get there, leaving as awesome example in your wake. <3
For me- I have found that my definition of sucess is not the Lord’s. He is more concerned about the direction I am heading, not if I am there. He is more concerned about my ability to hear him, rather than it looking like I am obeying him. Sometimes things do not have to “look” right, to be right. It is totally personal, and individual. This HAS to be true- otherwise my life does not make sense- I am a paradox. I am not anything special, I just think- Holy Cow, if they let me in the building, there is something bigger going on here.