I Would Like to Thank the Academy

Earlier in the week, award ceremonies were held for some of the lesser-known Academy categories. The winner of the “Virtually Unknown Mormon Blog Written by a MIddle-aged Man featuring a Handcart on the Header” was won by yours truly! How exciting! First time I have won anything in my life. Luckily, I was prepared with my acceptance speech. Transcript is printed below:

Thank you, thank you. This is such a surprise. I had no idea that the Academy recognized blogs – and with such great specificity!

When I was a young boy, growing up in the 60’s and 70’s, never once did I imagine that one day I would be accepting an award for blogging. It never even crossed my mind. Back then I did dream that one day I would win some type of award, and give an acceptance speech wearing a tuxedo. A baby blue tuxedo with wide lapels, ruffled shirt, bow-tie and bell-bottom slacks.

First I would like to thank Google. Because without Google, I would need print out my blog, or write in out by hand, and mail it to each and everyone of you. It would have already cost me more than $100,000. And I’m humble enough to accept that what I write is worth no more than $92,000.

After Google, I would be amiss if I failed to thank God. Over the years I have learned that there is nothing more important to God than making sure a select few of us receive the praise, glory and honors of men. Preferably ones that are accompanied by with a golden image.

I would also like to thank my parents who have already passed on. I hope they can see me now. I also hope that they can’t see me most of the time.

My family is vital to this blog, and I owe them a debt of gratitude. Especially my sons for providing me with so much material to grouse about. I know that one day they will move on, but then, hopefully, the grandkids will do enough stupid things to keep me supplied with fresh material.  Hey boys: Hang up your towels!

Thank you to the second most important woman in my life:  My stylist.  Because “this” doesn’t just “happen“.

I would also like to thank those that know the real me for keeping my secret. We all know that the real me is not nearly as interesting as the blog version.

—I need to point out that at this time I got a little flustered because they started playing music and turning off the microphone.  But I soldiered on…

Martin Scorsese… what can I say?  Thank you for your inspiration, and for wearing those awesome Groucho glasses with the nose and eyebrows. Cracks me up every single time.

Next, I would like to thank my co-writers, if I had any. (It obviously only takes one man to crank out this drivel.)

Of course, I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for my loyal readers. Thanks to you, I am able to help support your internet addictions and provide you with yet another thing to read – as you ignore your children’s cries that the tub water is getting “cold”, or your spouse’s request that you “turn the $%#@ computer OFF and come to bed.”  –  I’m just happy to be a part of your lives.

A special shout out to my international readers, especially my crazy group of Kiwis, and my awesome Brits. You know who you are.

Thank you all so much! Good night!

Oh, almost forgot! I would like to thank my dear EC, for without her, I wouldn’t be what I am today: *Married.

* Happily.

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