My kids hate to see my EC and me hug and kiss. They cringe and avert their eyes. They say “C’mon you guys!”. But, I know it’s just for show. They don’t really mind – and even if they did, it wouldn’t stop me. I’m going to hug and kiss my wife. If they don’t want to witness it, they can leave the room.
(Just to avoid the obvious confusion, the picture above is not me and my wife – it is Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman – but I completely understand if you thought it was us.)
In October conference, Elaine Dalton, (Young Women General President) gave a wonderful talk to the fathers about how to raise happy and well-adjusted daughters. She referenced up a quote that President David O. McKay liked to use:
“The most important thing a father can do for his [daughter] is to love [her] mother.”1 By the way you love her mother, you will teach your daughter about tenderness, loyalty, respect, compassion, and devotion.”
(link to the full talk here)
I’m sure we are all familiar with that quote, but I wanted to see where it originated. It turns out that the original quote was “The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” The man who first said it was Theodore Hesburgh. He was a Catholic Reverend, and was the President of the University of Notre Dame for 35 years. Terrific thought and quote. I’m glad our church had embraced it.
Sister Dalton went on to define ways we can show our daughters, including tenderness, loyalty, respect, compassion and devotion. All of these are hugely important, and we would all do well to follow her counsel.
But I want to add another: Passion. What? My kids don’t need to witness passion! Get your minds out of the gutter! Our kids need to witness that we really do love each other, and that we aren’t just roommates sharing parental responsibilities. They need to see that there is an element of romance and passion in our marriages, because our behavior is what they will base their marriages on.
Here are MMM’s 5 suggestions to SHOW your kids that you really love each other passionately. I have also learned from my experience that these five things also make for much stronger marriages, which will bless your children’s lives – and yours.
1) Pucker Up. Don’t be shy about kissing, hugging and holding hands with your kids present. They act like they hate it -and maybe they do – but it reinforces that your desire to hug your spouse is more important than their discomfort. (Note: Don’t be ridiculous about this – they don’t need to think their parents are pervs with no self-control)
2) Be Inseparable. Sit next to each other in church/movies/etc. I know, there is a natural tendency to sit as far away from each other as possible, with the kids corralled in-between. Resist this impulse. Sit by each other. Hold hands. In years of sitting on the stand, I have seen a strong correlation that the couples with the strongest marriages usually sit next to each other in church.
3) Date Night! Go on dates – weekly if you can. I am constantly amazed when I hear someone say “We haven’t been on a date in three months” but the couple manages to attend every soccer/baseball game all season long. The marriage is more important that the kids hobbies. Is it a money issue? Trade babysitting. Exploit the grandparents. Guilt a Beehive into doing it for service. Do cheap things. which leads us to..
4) Temple Time. Go to the temple together. Let your kids know. Sometimes spouses will trade-off -one will attend, the other will stay home, then they swap. Go together. After all, temple is really all about that very relationship, isn’t it? And it is a cheap date.
5) Bedtime. Go to bed at the same time. I know I’m talking to the blogging world, and some of you might not understand what I am saying, so I will type it again, more slowly: Go to bed at the same time. Why? As your kids get older, they start to notice stuff like that, and if dad goes to bed, and mom stays up to clean the kitchen, questions will rightfully arise in their minds. Likewise, if mom goes to bed, and dad stays up to surf the internet, you are just asking for trouble. Kids are aware of these things…
Do these things, and your kids will have a greater sense that your spouse is your top priority. Ask any one of the FOMLs the following question, and you will get the same answer:
If a car was coming towards you, your mom and your dad, and your dad could save either you or your mom, who would he save?
All of my kids would answer “Mom”. And they would be right.
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Another great post!
Regarding — If a car was coming towards you, your mom and your dad, and your dad could save either you or your mom, who would he save?
Each of the FOML would say, “He would save us both, because mom would ask him to.” And they know if mom asks, dad is going to move heaven and earth to accomplish it. 🙂
Beautifully stated. Shall I admit that it made me cry? Okay, I won’t.
jw: Thanks for your comment. I understand your disagreement, even though you are disagreeing with something I never said. I did say that we should attend the temple together, and I stand by that. I did not say that we should use the inability to attend together as an excuse to stop attending. It is a good-better-best situation.
Of course everyone has their own personal application – one size does not fit all – a six-hour round trip would be prohibitive for many people, while others would find it a great blessing to be that close and not have to stay overnight.
Respectfully disagree on #4. Going to the temple together is great, sure, but I’ve known too many couple who let the difficulty of coordinating schedules keep them away from the temple altogether.
Going together to the temple is great, and should be a priority if (a) you live within, say, 60 minutes of the temple, and (b) you don’t have nursing babies at home.
Don’t let your family schedule get in the way of going to the temple. When our children were still babies, it would have taken many months before we could both attend the temple together. Our relationship was strengthened by attending the temple whenever we could, even if we couldn’t go together.
And once you get outside the Zion curtain, you might find yourself in a circumstance where the closest Beehive is 30 minutes away, the temple is an hour away, and a trip to the temple becomes a six-hour event. That’s going to be a major hurdle for many families (not to mention for many Beehives who probably shouldn’t be babysitting until midnight on a Wednesday).
Going to the temple together is nice, but not crucial. Going to the temple–together or alone–will strengthen your marriage.
Love this. My daughter is majoring in family life and human development. She’s shared some of her papers with us and we are amazed at what she has observed! Your kids notice more than you think and emulate more than you think.
Seeing as how we’re empty nesters, we may or may not have failed miserably at this when kids were young. But our children are getting their education now. They have a hard time figuring out why mom and dad are so happy to have them out of the house. They’re like the kids in that car commercial, worried about the ‘old folks’ all alone at home without them around to give them something to do. I hate to break it to them that them coming over to do their laundry every week is not the highlight for us.
If the situation arose I would save our children before my husband, and I would expect my husband to act the same way. We spent years of waiting and many $$$ to adopt our children so it’s not like I can just pop out a couple more the replace the ones lost. Besides, if what we believe it true, I’ll be with my spouse again in the celestial kingdom. Why not let the children have a chance at life?
Excellent post. I love your list of 5 and I agree wholeheartedly. We do these (along with a #6 I’d add, which is “dance in the kitchen”), and I have never heard ONE complaint from my kids. (Oldest is 14–I probably still have time to hear complaints.) But they just know we love each other and love to be together and I think it gives them a sense of security and well-being that’s worth the “Ew, my parents kiss” feelings. They DO love it. They need it.
JWW
We’ve worked hard at going to bed at the same time; if we don’t, we don’t have “couple” prayer, and I think that’s vital. One way we’ve made that happen on the rare occasion a child needs some late night help (think science project due tomorrow, although we did the same when toddlers needed attention) is I take a break from the child to “tuck Dad into bed.” That gives us as parents a few moments of quiet time together, and sends the message to our children that while I want to help and support them, Dad comes first. We’re not perfect at it, but we’re trying. Thanks for the wonderful suggestions and reminder.
Amen. Hallelujia. And THANK YOU!
I would be so upset if my husband saved me and not the kid. I wouldn’t wanna keep on going if I knew I was alive as the result was a dead child. The very thought makes me all crazy and panicked.
We love temple dates. The celestial room always makes all the icky stuff in life go away. in addition, the food at the cafeteria is hearty and delish!
I sit next to my man during sacrament meeting and rub his back. sometimes I plug in a massager. It’s distracting for the people around us but I think it strengthens our relationship…
(Anon/M) Love it…Love it…Love it!!! Couldn’t agree with you more. But, tell me, about the correlation you observed between couples sitting together in Church and the closeness of their relationship. How do you do that? During the period my kids were growing up (and after) there wasn’t a period when their father sat in the pews with us. He was always UP THERE (as you do, I’ll assume).
Wouldn’t that be awkward if that wasn’t your EC??
I can do it all but going to bed at the same time. We used to but my husband started giving into his desire to go to sleep between 8 and 9. I just can’t do it….sigh…fine..I’ll try..
Absolutely LOVE this post and the comments! What a wonderful reminder to cherish what we have.
We had a stake conference today from Salt Lake. Your post reminds me so much of what Elder Callister said. Thanks for keeping us on the straight and narrow.
Wow – fabulous comments!
One personal note: Anonymous – if you are my EC, then I love you too!
Beautifully written and I wholeheartedly agree. I am the luckiest EC in the world. I love you MMM. 🙂
I was one of those kids who would make puking noises everytime my parents kissed in the kitchen. But now I am so grateful they did. They’ve been married for 26 years and they do everything on your list, plus leave grossly romantic messages for each other where everyone else can find them too! So the list works! Me and my husbands hands don’t fit well. Mine are tiny and his are big. But we still hold hands even though it hurts. But thats marriage right?
You are so insightful, and brave for sharing it! : )
Good thoughts, good reminders.
I love this post and I love the comments. About 5 years ago my husband and I were on the brink of divorce. We have spent the last 5 years falling in love over and over again. One of the reasons we identified as a major issue in our marriage was that I always went to bed way earlier than my husband. I made it a point to always go to bed with him. I could easily go to bed every night at 8 PM. Hubby could easily go to be at 12 PM. We meet in the middle at go to bed at 10:30 and I take a nap during the day if I need to. We also try to read our scriptures together and pray with and for each other. We talk, or text, or email each other several times a day. For me, I want to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I worked harder at my marriage than any other thing I have done in my life. We want our kids to know that the covenants we made in the temple are vital to us. I think it is important. My oldest daughter is 16 and not to far away from choosing her own eternal companion. I want her to feel as committed to having a happy marriage as her parents are.
Excellent post and comments, My EC and I have both read it and like!
I have told my kids that have stepped over the mark when speaking to there Mum “That’s my best friend you are speaking to like that” It makes them stop an think.
I sometimes think as parents we have had to circle the wagons to protect each other even from our own kids. Only in minor ways but they soon realise when we are united we can’t be over run. All of the 5 points you make show that we are a companionship that is strong and sets a wonderful lasting example.
So true! Let the kids say “ewwww”!
and Sue, thank you for sharing your comment. It really touched my heart. Hugs.
Was it wrong of me to think that if I saved my child instead of my wife I might never have to deal with my MIL at Christmas, Thanksgiving or basically any holiday ever again?
It’s funny. My husband once told me that if we were in a life threatening situation with our children, he would save me first. I was bothered by his statement, even somewhat angry.
Now we are empty-nesters, and I get it. But when our children were small, I responded to his sweet assurance that his love for me was the greatest love in his life by telling him I would expect him to save the children, and that if he didn’t I would not be happy with him.
My heart kind of hurts when I think of that now, but I was so wrapped up in motherhood and protecting my children that I failed to recognize the gift he was giving me. No one loved his kids more than my husband. But he loved (loves) me more.
I agree with everything- it’s how to go about it that we struggle with at my house. I can’t figure out a way to go to the temple at all, much less with my husband and I can’t figure out how to convince him to go to bed early so I’m not dead tired from waiting up for him! Sigh. Good thoughts MMM. It’s something most of us need to work on still. ( :
I actually just had this conversation with my 8 year old this last week. She wanted to know if I loved her dad more than her. My answer:
“A love between a parent and child is pretty much instantaneous. It’s forever. Parents don’t have to work very hard to love their kids –and besides, it’s not a choice. You don’t get to choose who your parents, siblings, or children are –but marriage? Different ball game. Marriage is a choice. Marriage is the most important relationship because it creates the family, brings children into the world, and when all you crazy kids are grown up and gone, who do you think I’ll be hanging out with all the time? I’m going to also be up in that Celestial Kingdom having bazillions of spirit babies with your dad. Not you. So, that’s why I choose him over you. Not because I love him MORE –but because the love is different. And the most important.”
Only catch and exception: I’ve seen second marriages where the spouses have literally abandonded the children from their first marriages for their new spouses. They claim all of the above, but they forgot something: Those children came FIRST. They were there FIRST. To pretend that they no longer matter because a new spouse has appeared is just cruel. Just my opinion, though.
I felt the Spirit teach me as I read your post. I get home from work between 11 & 12 at night normally, and it is very hard for my EC to stay up (though she tries), and it is very hard for me to just go right to bed when I get home from work. I need to see the importance of working on this, in whatever ways I can. Date night has been a challenge too. I’ll do better, I promise. And thanks, Mormon guy.
sometimes I am tempted to think I just have to wait till my husband is out of Grad school for my marriage to be better or the kids just need to be a little older or a number of other things need to happen before my marriage can reach it’s full potential like Video Games being outlawed for anyone over the age of 12 any how when it comes to showing a husband affection and praying for your husband all the time no matter who is around I don’t have to wait for anything to happen to get the ball rolling on improving my marriage
About the sitting together thing —
I see hundreds of senior missionary couples around the Salt Lake church campus. These are people whose assignments generally compel them to be together constantly during the day, as well as in their apartments together in the evenings. It’s cool to see them walking down the street hand in hand, especially knowing that those minutes of walking are times when they don’t actually have to be quite that close — yet they choose to be. That, and the fact that they’re out together as missionaries, is evidence to even this casual observer that they have good marriages. In fact, on those very rare occasions when I see one part of a couple, usually the husband, charging down the sidewalk and leaving the spouse in the dust, it’s so jarring and noticeable that I can’t help but think that there is trouble in the marriage, and wonder why they’re out as missionaries.
I really do like to see those 60- and 70-year-old and older sweethearts!
Amen amen amen and amen. I fully agree with every point, and have been “preaching” dates to my friends for years. We get the “ewws” from our kids, and they just know that we’re going to sit together wherever we go, so they don’t even need to bother trying to sit between us. The only one we need to do better at is going to bed at the same time, and I vow to do better at that….thank you!