I’m Sorry to Have to Be the One to Tell you…

I recently attended our ward Halloween Party. (Oops – sorry to offend with a pagan word) Our “Trunk-or-Treat”, or our “Fall Festival” (you know – Halloween party) While I was there I saw the sweet little children who just recently stood with shining halos and sang like little angels in our sacrament meeting Primary program. They had undergone a jarring transformation. Gone were the halos and glowing countenances, replaced with something more like costumed versions of this:

Milling around the party were mortified mothers, many uttering similar versions of the same thing:

“We are never going to bed tonight.”

“I wonder how long it will take for my kid to come down.”

“This is why I hate Halloween.”

“C’mere and give me that dark chocolate”

All of these moms were lovely intelligent, caring mothers – all concerned about the same thing. The nefarious SUGAR HIGH. Yes, that common condition where refined sugar courses through our children’s veins and turns the most delightful of cherubs into maniacs. Maniacal princesses. Maniacal hobos. Maniacal clowns.

Soon these poor mothers would have to wrestle these rocket-fuel-powered children into their cars, take them home, wash off the face paint and attempt to get them to bed. In the meantime, the child will attempt to continue his candy bender like a Survivor contestant after a reward challenge.

Brace yourselves. Many of you may not want to hear this next part. In fact, some of you will cover your ears and shake your heads and say “No, no no! Lies all lies. MMM we trusted you!”. I am sorry but here goes anyway:

There is no such thing as a “Sugar High”.

There it is. That child in your kitchen that is spinning like a top because he ate some sugar? It ain’t the sugar. Yeah, bummer.

Scientist have been trying to establish a link between hyperactive behavior and sugar consumption for years – and they just can’t do it. There isn’t one. The “Sugar High” is merely a myth. An urban legend. A suburban legend too.  So you know that I am not making this up to hurt you, I have listed a whole bunch of links to articles about this. I tried to find some of the more respected sources, rather than “Stan & LaVerne’s Herbal Solutions for Medicinal Purposes Only” website.

I know, some of you are struggling with this new information, but ask yourself “Has MMM ever led me astray?” Wait – don’t ask yourself that. Ask yourself “How can scientists be so stupid?“. If it makes you feel better.

So, I guess now I have to explain the ramifications. Why then are these crazed children crazed after eating sugar? There are a few reasons which I will summarize:

1) Your kid is really like that all the time, and you only notice at large, embarrassing, public gatherings.

2) They call it a “Parental Placebo Effect”. Parents expect their kids to get hyper, so they ascribe any behavioral change to the sugar.

3) Sugar often comes with caffeine. Caffeine is the demon.

4) Sugar and kids hang around at exiting things – holidays, birthday parties, etc. The fun event kicks up the adrenaline.

5) Parents unintentionally teach their kids that sugar consumption is an excuse to go nuts. (Stop eating that candy – I don’t want you getting all hyper!)

6) My child is a scientific anomaly. Yes, all the scientists are wrong, because they never studied my child – and by golly, I know my own child a whole lot better than they do.

If you really want to dig in, there is lots of info on this. But this myth is definitely “busted”. Does it change the fact that there are a zillion hyper kids running around this time of year? No. They are still going to be wound up and torturing each other, whatever the underlying cause. But now at least we know it ain’t the sugar.

So, armed with this new information, let’s say goodbye to that old scapegoat and have a Happy Halloween! Autumn Celebration, Fall Festival, Harvest Days, Oktoberfest? I guess we’ll stick with plain old October 31st.